whatever you overindulged in
over the past 4 days
we forgive you
please don’t **** us

he’s a cutie
with his sweet smile and boyish looks
who holds his hand at night?
who kisses him goodbye in the morning?
I’m very concerned about this
everyone needs these things

we’re all surrounded constantly by things we don’t know or understand
there’s nothing at all you can do
except keep going
pretending you do

I almost forgot
because I can’t remember anything
but I do remember the boys under the porch at church
I must have been 4 or 5
I couldn’t tell how old they were
you know how it is when you’re young
maybe 9? 10? 12?
they wanted to see girl parts
so I showed them
it meant nothing to me
they didn’t touch me
only looked
stared
intently
as I stood there with my pants down
I got the sense something wasn’t right by the way they acted with each other
arguing
the meaning was opaque to me
I don’t know why I remember this
or why I’m thinking of it now
I feel shame I guess
I don’t know

it seems the crazy train has left the station
hopefully chugging some other kool aid
cause this kool aid is mine

when I woke this morning
the sun was gentle
the breeze was cool
I found new blooms on a flower I thought was dead
the cherry tomatoes in my garden turned red
the pit in my stomach dissolved
and turned into a fire in my mind
the fear is not vanquished
but at least I have a sword to fight it
it’s the most wonderful kind of day there is
thank you angels
for putting me back together

there was a woman who lived
in a glass box
there were no doors or windows,
chains, or locks
she smiled and cried
she watched flowers bloom
and die
she read poetry
and dreamed of romance
on occasion
she danced

but always
she touched glass
hoping for isolation to pass
she longed for warm fingers
and peaceful embrace
for the box to be lifted
to kiss a man’s face
she’s still there now
with gentle grace
wondering if love will ever come
to this place

a little rest
to deal with the stress
and too much pain
don’t go insane

when I was 9, I was in an abusive relationship with a gymnastic center
they didn’t care if you were hurt, tired, sick
they didn’t care if you were scared
or unable to safely perform high degree of difficulty moves
these were the days of Kerri Strugg vaulting to gold on a broken ankle
I spent hours a day in that gym, four to six days a week during the summer
I competed, I won ribbons, trophies, medals
I had boxes of these things
too many to set on a shelf or hang on a wall

when I wanted to switch gyms
my mom made me go in by myself to tell them
I was 9
the mean old lady in the office who smelled like smoke and death told me no
I don’t remember her logic
only that she emphatically told me I couldn’t quit
I don’t remember how I responded
with meek fear, I imagine
I did leave that day though, never to return
it would be 3 more years before I left the sport altogether
with destroyed knees and emotional trauma
I was supposed to go to college on gymnastics scholarships
my parents had invested
they almost moved the whole family to another state for a gym that boasted Olympic athletes
quitting was the hardest thing I had ever done
walking away from abuse is never easy
even less so for a child whose life was defined by bullying, manipulation, and emotional neglect
I remember my coach asking me once if I’d eaten a whole pizza and gallon of milk the night before
I was too young to understand why he was asking but the disdain came across clearly

my dad never spoke to me about quitting
I could only imagine the disappointment

I’m used to a lack of support
judgement, criticism, bullying
I have more memories of those coaches and kids than my parents and sister,
they started me at 3, I joined the competitive team at 7, and the other girls were years older than me
I’m used to feeling alone and facing things alone
I’m used to emptiness
I’m used to one sided relationships and keeping things to myself
I’ve rarely felt anything else
there were brief interludes
a relationship in high school, a good boss for a few years
but I don’t feel strong today
I don’t feel independent in a healthy way
lately I just feel tired
my heart hurts
and life seems too long

I don’t know where he is
or what he’s doing
or who he’s with
I don’t know anything
I’m just
alone

I thought Barbie would make me feel better
but it did not
maybe because I wore blue

I like your pretty new car
I wish it didn’t take you so far
away
everyday I wish on a star
that you would stay close in my har
t

please keep my heart safe
while I stitch a thicker skin

I would like you to take my hand
and lead me down a peaceful street
I would like you to hug me in the shade
tell me I’m great
it will all be ok
pull my head to your shoulder
pet my hair
I would like to rest
there
in the comfort of you

I’ve got to respond
to protect myself
for the record
a woman can never relax
she has to try harder
the bar is higher
she’s constantly under scrutiny
and judgement
they can raise their voices
but she can’t
they can be disrespectful
but she can’t get frustrated
it used to be my happy place
now I can barely walk in the door
anxiety and panic daily
it’s time to go
I can’t stomach it any longer
literally
I’m throwing up
I have hope though
there’s a better place
a safer place
and I have excellent references

it’s Thursday
what did you expect
as you stumble down the stairs
with your six figure salary
that you never dreamed would multiply
like this
and the tears spilling over your lids
oh, darling, do you now have something
to lose?
are you missing something?
what
exactly
was your point?
when you started all of this?
your life, I mean
do you even remember?

I am alone this night
I know it
like so many others
you are not here
may never be
I know it

but I am
and this is enough

will always be

I’m not sure you can put me all together
in your mind

I know I can’t put you

but I love all the pieces

even if I can’t understand yet

the whole

I’ve revisited some of my past offerings
I’ve given you
a breathtaking display
of devotion
and lust
there is no denying this

I expect you have appreciated it
I’m just saying
I see it too

if I drink enough
I can’t stop crying
which is such a relief
from the rage

another sister dead
I can barely hear her message
over the keening of my own heart

morning has come again
but my bed won’t let me go
don’t worry bed
you will have my dreams again this night

desire tightens it’s grip
around my body in the dark
pain whispers a vulnerable plea
please
don’t stop

guilt is following me around today
like a bad hangover
but I haven’t drank a thing
dear god of sin,
stay in your lane

I want to feel good
to be free of insecurity and despair
but some days
it’s very easy to be knocked off my post
and I need a bit of a boost
to get back up

a weakness takes over me
and I am crushed
unable to breathe or speak or move
the heart breaks
alone
the spirit races in darkness
unable to find a finish line
eyes close
world disappears
I disappear

two squirrels tumbled titanically down a fence
they caused quite a ruckus
completely graceless and profane
they looked at each other
with a brief, flashing daze
and scampered off
as only lovers
witnessing follies
can do

I am attacked this morning
by the emptiness of arms
the mind is unkind
I shield myself with a pushy dog

it’s a perfect day to behold the face of your love
the warmth of the ground will coax your feet
the rays of the sun will guide your arms
the light in the air will carry your words
the joy in her heart will melt your fears
even a few minutes of love
will bring peace to your mind
it’s a perfect day for that

the path to your heart
I know
is through a dark wood
the path is guided, though
by gentle fairies
masquerading as song birds
and the serendipitous wisdom of flowers
there is magic all around us
and in our hearts
though we walk blindly
with reckless trust and nameless hope
we are rewarded
finally

I would like to take your hand
lead you down a path of never ending blooms
the way it is in my heart
when I think of you

what is this wall made of
and how do we overcome it?
if I climb it will you catch me on the other side?
if you take a step towards me will it disintegrate?
I will come to you and you will come to me
I will follow you and you will follow me
one thing I know
whatever keeps us apart
will melt like ice beneath the fire of our touch

I am paralyzed by my lack of subtlety
I don’t want to break the china

yesterday was tough
anxiety gripped me painfully
thoughts of you are all that got me through
rough thoughts
to make you blush
this morning I feel peace again
the night scrubbed me clean
my body is light and sweet
and ready for gentle love
with different thoughts
of the same you

every moment is now
on my lips

I long to have too much of you
I don’t think it’s possible

there’s a spring in my step that’s been missing
I open my mouth and a bunch of excited chatter pours out
procrastination hasn’t been a problem
things are getting done
I feel randomly happy and bright…

I think
it’s hope

I don’t want to think about my mistakes, confusions, or pains
I just want to be with you in this moment,
and as many moments as I can,
for the rest of our days

he’s got the nicest smile of anyone I’ve ever seen
…
the end

every morning my nakedness invites your full length embrace
in your absence
cats and dogs stretch together in the sleepy bed

I pull up the covers
turn down the light
and hold the poems gently
through the lonely dream filled night

humans are social creatures
like dogs
we’re not meant to be alone

my heart reflects the world
it is pouring

he asked one time
when are we going to learn to live together?
well, we haven’t tried yet
but in a few important ways
I think we have

I remember when I was younger I had this crush on an older man.
He was an Ayurvedic practitioner that I took a cooking class from. His name was Sonam and he played the digiridoo.
It must have been very obvious that I had a crush on him, because once when I had to drop something off at his apartment, standing in the hallway of his building before I left, he said, almost as an afterthought, with a humble smile and nod of embarrassed appreciation, “and thank you, for your…affections…” as he gently closed the door.
It was the sweetest and most painless acknowledgement of a futile attraction anyone could ever experience. I walked away surprised, with humor for myself, and appreciation for him.

We should all learn to say no with such grace. I wish I had retained the ability to accept no with such grace.

I try to move on
I think that’s what you want
but for every step I take away
my heart pulls me two steps back
tightening the knots binding me to you
and it is not unpleasant

I’m submerged in a secret heart
it’s dark
but I don’t need to see
it’s warm
with invisible fire
it’s soft and dreamy and safe
I would like to stay

the summer shower is already past
and the sun is trying to come out
I know there is a rainbow out there somewhere
in the sky
or your window
or my heart

be careful poets
sometimes a love poem can turn into a ******
or a burlap bag of puppies at the bottom of a lake
sometimes a love poem can wrap its fingers around your throat and squeeze until you can’t speak
be careful I say

it can happen
especially if you’re out of practice

forget, whispered the wind
and then died