It’s been another year without you mom.
This will make 5 years since you left us.
Since the cancer spread throughout your body and you became too weak to fight it off.
You fought so hard.
For two years, you went through chemo after chemo,
And radiation therapy.
But none of it seemed to help.
Cancer slowly spread throughout your body.
Soon it was in your brain.
Behind your eyes.
Then there was nothing they could do.
You went 3 months.
They said a year.
3 months before you died.
Three months of hugging you every chance I got
And three months of praying that I would wake up and it all be a dream.
Three months of living in denial.
Three months of hardly eating because I wanted to spend every waking moment with you.
Then the time came,
When you were so far gone that you basically lived off of pain medication.
And you didn’t remember who any of us were anymore.
We had our chance, to tell you one last thing before you left us.
And all I could say was that I love you.
And I regret not telling you more.
I regret not telling you everything I had hidden from you.
But all I said was that I love you.
And you weakly looked up at me and gave me a tired smile and it flashed in your eyes that you remembered me.
‘I love you too’
Was the last thing you said to me.
Later that evening,
At 3 in the afternoon,
I watched you take your last breath.
You weakly squeezed my hand.
And I knew it was over.
And for a fleeting moment, I was relieved.
But soon the pain came and I sobbed.
I clung onto you and wouldn’t let go. They had to drag me off of you.
And I screamed when they took you away.
Begged them to let me hug you one more time.
But all I got to do was kiss your cold cheek.
Now I wear a necklace with some of your ashes in it.
It is a small comfort that helps me through the day.
Today is another year without you.
I swear it gets harder every year.
3-16-18