I'm stunningly confused
But utterly intrigued

Sometimes I wanna call
Then I remember
How repulsive you would be
And I  just let it hurt instead.

I'm afraid if I stay,
I may never leave.

I'm never going to forget
That I loved you
And you rejected me
Not once.
Not twice.

She does run a bit hot
In the crazy department
So I had to step out
To take some me time
While she gets her fire danger level
From catastrophic
To low moderate
But ****,
Her blaze
Is a glorious thing to behold

I know I broke up with you
But I miss you

Not the you I broke up with
The you I fell in love with
The you who made my days smiley

Not the you that made my heart ache
The you who lit up my face
The you who smiled when I called

Not the arrogant you who got comfortable
The you who strived to make us happy
The you who cared about me

Not him who was okay away from me
The you who thought of us all the time
The you who called just to hear my voice

I miss him
The one who is long gone
The one who loved me.

You said never to say never
But I'm saying it's time
To say never to the option
To the impossible option
And explore the favourable options
And have a happily ever after  

Go for it.
But first say never to this.

She's alot like you
She loves you
But she forgets to say it
Just like you forget to say it

I'm your weakness.
You're my kryptonite.

Will you remember
Or will you forget
The first time you saw me?
The first time you held me?
The first time you were attracted to me?
The first time you cared for me?
The exact moment you fell in love?
The first time you kissed me?
The first time you spent time with me?
Our first time out together?
The fisrt time you didn't wanna let go?
The first time you couldn't resist
The urge to call?
The first time I was on your mind
For the whole day?
The first time you couldn't wait
To see my pretty face?

Will you remember
Or will you forget
The first time you didn't miss me?
The first time you hated my calls
The first time you didn't wanna talk to me?
The first time you stopped caring?
The first time you couldn't stand me?
The first time you lost interest?
The first time you let go?
The exact moment you lost the love?

Will you forget?
Or will you remember?

I thought I understood it
That I could grasp it but i didn't
Not really
Only the smudgeness of it
The pink slippered
All containered
Semi precious
Eagerness of it

I didn't realize it would sometimes be more than whole
That the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea
Because it's the haves the have you and have
Didn't know, don't know about the in betweens of it
The gory bits of you
The gory bits of me

As days pass
I keep asking myself
Why I'm fighting
For something that's almost dead

My efforts are futile
But I don't want to let go
My will to fight isn't there either
But I don't want to stop fighting

The push away
Stronger that the pull in
But still I wanna push in
I wanna get back in
But what if there's no in anymore?

What if I wasn't meant to stay in?
Maybe I'm not wanted in there
I'm probably being laughed at
For not giving up
Maybe I should.

You hear sadness in my voice
And you ask if I'm okay
You know I'm not okay
Since you pride yourself
With knowing me so well
You ask again if I'm really okay
Waiting. Expecting. Wanting.
To hear the lie come out my mouth
With the specific words 'I'm okay '
You know I'm not
But you still ask

Tell me dear, Do you really care?
Do you really wanna know?
Does it even matter?
About how exactly I feel?
Would you rather I lie?
It doesn't, does it?

Truth is, you don't want to
To know what lies in my heart
To take your time and concern
To deal with my inner issues
To really be my friend
To do the work that is
You say you care
But you really don't

I miss those Fridays
I miss the journeys
The looking forward to seeing you
The continued anticipation as I approach the city
The elation from knowing you would be waiting for me
The look in your eyes when you saw me
The happiness in your voice when you said hi
The warmth of your tight embrace

I miss those Friday night surprises
I miss the suspense of your surprise for the night
The quiet walks in the city
The cool conversations at restaurants high up
Bingeing on shakes and chips
Reminiscing on how we came to be
Looking into our future
Freely talking about our ugly sides
Talking about how we are lucky to love
How incredible it is that we found each other

I miss those cool nights
I miss walking along empty city streets
Talking as we relished the coolness of the night
I miss holding your hand as we walked the streets
The calmness of walking beside you
How safe I felt walking with you

I miss the late nights
Walking to catch the bus past ten
Getting home fast without traffic
Walking home just before midnight
Getting home with tired legs and a full stomach
Tired from walking, stuffed with junk food
Getting lost in the bliss of being together

I looked at her as she spoke
With so much confidence
Laughing and making sarcastic jokes
Unaffected by my presence
Not caring that I was new to her
Not caring that she didn't know my name
****, why was I even caring?
Wasn't I just a stranger among her friends?

I'd seen her as she walked by
On a morning I didn't wanna be up
On a day I didn't have motivation
I barely gave her a glance as she said hi
Then I'd had an urge to look again
But she was gone
I couldn't understand my feeling then
I had never wanted more than a hi before

But I'd wanted more from her
I'd wanted to hear her speak again
I'd wanted to look at her messy hair
Which she'd hidden with her beanie hat
I wanted to really see her
More than behind the camera lens

When I conversed with her
She gave me something I needed
Something I didn't know I needed
She gave me the reason for dragging myself
From my bed and from my misery
To come meet her that day
Without knowing I would leave happy
She gave me a dose of short and sweet
A weekend I wished could last longer

I liked her before I knew her name
I loved her when she challenged me
Harder when she pushed me to love
I knew I was in too deep as she said
"Isn't it the best feeling ever? "
I fell in love as I said goodbye
I gave her my heart silently as she left
Not knowing whether I'd see her again

I saw it when you said nothing
I saw it when you said something
I saw it when you shrugged it off
When you didn't wanna talk about it
When you said you didn't know
You didn't know how you felt
When you said that all that mattered
Was. Us. Now.

I saw it when you couldn't define us
I saw it when you refused to define us
I saw it when you wouldn't define us
When you dodged all questions
Questions to establish my place
My place in your messy life
A life you shrugged off upon

I saw it when you didn't want to accept
I saw it when you refused responsibility
I saw it when you assumed I knew
Assumed I knew what you wanted
Yet you didn't know it yet
You couldn't pin point it exactly
Because you didn't want to

I saw it when you didn't choose me
I saw it when you gave excuses
I saw it when you said you cared
Yet you wouldn't choose me
When you chose to look away
When you were taking steps back
When in actions you were away
Yet in words you said you were here

I had always known
That you would choose me not
But I hang on
Hoping for more
Wanting more
But wasting so much more

Don't you love the feeling
The one that music brings?
The nostalgia of the moments
That the song brings out?
The memory of the feelings
That the rhythm lets you relive?
The recollection of the experiences
That the beats makes you go through?

The pleasure that seeps through you
When you remember the first time you heard it?
When you relive the moments
As you listen to the song?
The vividness of the experience
That the song reminds you of?
When you replay them again
Like a movie in your head?

I told you to stay away
I told you to block me
I told you not to pick my calls
I told you not to call
I told you not to text
Because I knew you wouldn't if I didn't
At least not for a long while

Our friendship then was toxic
It always becomes
When one friend crushes on the other
And the other doesn't feel a thing
Am glad you didn't feel
Am glad you didn't reciprocate
Am glad I had to get over it
Because I couldn't have gotten this tough
And be able to love this truly

It was difficult
But I'm glad it happened
It was a dark tunnel
One that I had to go through
To get an amazing new light
An incredible fresh start
To love right
To be loved as I should be
To be appreciated for loving
Exactly how it should be

As I lie in bed I stare
At the picture on the wall
It's not a picture of you
But it's a You picture

Every time I look at it
I see you
I see your efforts
To make it look like that
I see your thoughts of me
To make it for me
I see your attention to detail
To make it perfect for me
I see the sacrifices
You made to make me happy
I see the love
Pictured all over

I see me in the picture
The way you made it to resonate
With my feelings and emotions
The way you made it to exhibit
What was going in my mind
The way you made it to reveal
My fears and hesitations
The way you made it to unearth
Ideas I didn't know I had
The way you made it to convey
My dreams and fantasies
The way you made me be in view
Of myself
From a perspective I didn't know existed

It's not a picture of me
But it's My picture

Do you know
How much you are loved?
I would say to the moon and back
But that's a little too cliche
Truth is
It's hard to define how much
Because love for you increases daily
With the little things you do
And the more love you show

Have you ever
Felt unwanted
Felt like you were a burden
Like it was a struggle to accommodate you?
Like they didn't want you
But they didn't want to really tell you?
Like they wanted you out
And passive aggression was how they said it?

Have you ever
Been rejected
Without being told so?
Been made to feel unwelcome
By those you thought wanted you?
Been told that you were unwanted
Inaudibly yet loudly?

It is hurtful
To find yourself having the reality check
From thinking you had a support system
From thinking you were loved
To knowing that you were being tolerated
To knowing that it was a facade
That they put on for someone's benefit
From thinking someone had your back
From thinking you could let go and let them
To knowing that you are on your own
To knowing you have been on your own
For a very long time
Without the realization that you were

I love how you smile
To my 'I love you '
As if to say you know
That you are the reason for my smiles
And frowns as well
As if to say you know
That I love you without effort

I love the way you repeat
After my calling you baby
As if to say you know
That it means you are my world
That you are the reason I work
Hard to get you the dream
The joy of being happy
The joy of being loved
Exactly how you should be

I'll stay happy
Though sometimes sad
When you aren't happy
Though sometimes angry
When you are being difficult
Though sometimes sorrowful
When you don't get what you need
But never will my love waver
Because you are indeed
Something to live for

I wanna be the woman who calls
Not because I'm expected to
But because I want to
The one who remembers the details
Of the things you say
Of the events and activities
The one who remembers the dates
Not because I'm expected to
But because I was listening
The one who looks closely
At you and yours
At your feelings and emotions
The one who catches your discomfort
Way before you speak of it
The one who catches your joy
Just before it launches
The one who listens to what you don't say
The one who knows when you don't wanna speak
The one who knows when to listen and not talk
The one who knows when to support
When to critique and when to criticize
The one who does it all with love

I met him
The guy who replaced you
Where we used to meet
He did something
Something I thought only you
Only you would understand
Only you would relate to

It was hard to resist
The urge to call you
And rant about it
Make sarcastic jokes about it
And laugh about how
He was making do
In the terrible job you had

But then I checked myself
I realized I just found
Someone who gets my sarcasm
Someone who gets me
Someone I wanna share stuff with
And that's how it went
The urge to be reckless
To reach out to you

Amazing, isn't it?

If someone took
A picture of us right now
They would see you
Without knowing it's you

They wouldn't know
That this glow in my face
Comes from my love for you
They wouldn't know
That this lovely fitting T-shirt
Comes from your closet

They would not know
That this candy he ***** on
Was bought with your money
They would not know
That the comfy diaper he has on
Was bought with your love

They wouldn't know
That the love we are sharing
Expands with the thought of you
They wouldn't know
That the prospect of a future
Expands with knowing you are in it

They would never know
That I'm happier because of you
That he's happier because of you

They would be taking a picture
A complete reflection of you
And they wouldn't have a clue
Of how incredible a mirror you are

In the midst of company
We will be sitting
Half listening half talking
Not concentrating
Not giving it our all

We want to give the most
Utmost attention to devices
Devices that give us joy
While stealing our humanity
Stealing our reality
Replacing it with fake
A fake we immediately embrace
Making it our reality

We are busy creating
Versions of ourselves
Personas created in devices
Behind camera lenses
Infront of photo softwares
Through internet connections

Without our devices
We barely survive
We are addicted
Without knowledge
Of our deep rooted addiction

We are dependent
Not just on power
But power in our hands
Giving us ability
To be anything
To be everything
Everything we are not
Slowly losing ourselves
To a life of want and need

Needing that fix
Infront of a bright screen
Like morning coffee
We open our eyes to screens
Like a nightly novena
We close our eyes to screens

It is surprising
How I'm currently helping you
When I'm constantly hating you
Giving you a scarce resource
That I want to use myself
Yet I'm sharing this with you

You bring out my irritant self
Not sure what it is you did
But everytime I see you
On my door
Or even in my line of vision
I'm always willing for you
To go away
And never come back

Sadly
You are always coming back
Maybe because you work next door
Always hovering around me
Needing my help
One way or another
Yet never appreciating the help

Always wanting
Something I always give
Especially when I don't want to
Maybe I'm a nice person
Or I'm just a coward

People talk about you alot
I rarely pay attention
But when someone I respect
Talks trash about you
I gotta pay attention
And heed to every warning

You are a major gossip
Talking about everyone
Talking about everything
Never once saying anything nice
Never even paying
For my services rendered
I wonder why I entertain you
Maybe I'm a nice person
Or I'm just a coward

If you didn't know what it feels like
To be unloved
By those supposed to love you
You wouldn't know what it feels like
To be dearly loved
By someone who didn't need to love you
But chose to love you

If you didn't know what it feels like
To lack support
From the people you call family
You wouldn't know what it feels like
To have unconditional support
From someone who doesn't need to support you
But wants to support you

If you didn't know how it feels like
To be treated with contempt
From the people you look up to
You wouldn't know how it feels like
To be cared for
To be respected
To be encouraged
To be told to race for your dreams
By someone who just cared for you
Without expectations

Yes, it is okay
To be in disbelief
To not be sure if this is really happening
To wake up every morning
Wanting it to last forever

I love having firsts with you
It's not an achievement
It's a fulfilment

I love new adventures with you
They don't just fill me with joy
They fill me with life

I love making you happy
It doesn't just make me happier
It reminds me of how I should be loved

I love making you feel loved
Not because it's the best you've ever had
But it's a measure of how much
You should have been loved

I don't need you
To say you love me
I can hear it before you speak
I don't need you
To say you miss me
I can feel it in your words
I don't need you to say
You can't wait to see me
It's laced in the words you speak
I don't need you to say you care
It's evident in what you do for me
You don't need to say I'm special
It's evident in how you treat me

Yes, you don't have to say it
But I want you to keep saying it
Even more
Because it turns out
I'm in too deep

It's Friday
It's 8pm
She just got into town
The village girl just got into town
She watches the sea of people
As they walk by her
They mesmerize her

Some walk fast to get somewhere
Maybe home
Maybe some hot club
Some walk alone
Some walk in groups
Some walk in pairs

She especially sees the pairs
She doesn't understand
How they walk confidently
Interlacing fingers
Showing affection
Being proud
To be in love
In public.

She's never seen it before
In her village it's an unofficial taboo
No one talks about such love
But people marry
It surprises her

And with each passing couple
A giggly couple radiating love
She asks herself
Whether she'll be that girl Someday

I'm going to call you LG
Not because you're a Lyrics Guru
But with you my Lyrics Grow

You give me a Line to Ground
You'll catch me as I fall
You give me Landing Ground
I can drop myself on you

With you I won't settle on Lower Ground
You'll push me to climb higher
With you I'm Laser Guided
I see myself. I focus on me.

With you I don't need Luxury Goods
Simple is bliss
With you there's no Liar Game
Truth is the way

You light me up like Liquid Gas
With you I don't need Lip Gloss
I'm always shining
With you I don't wanna Let Go

I'm going to call you LG
Not because you're a Lyrics Guru
But because you're my Lyrics Guru

If I had lots of money
I would buy you a house
Right by the airport
So you would watch planes
Like you said you wanted to

If I had lots of confidence
I would open my heart to you
I would let it go to you
So you can love me as deeply
As you wanted to

If I had lots of faith
In my life and future
I'd open up the doors
To my house for you
So you would clean up the vices
That you wanted to

If I had you
I would envision every day
With you and next to
Me and my delicate heart
Then I wouldn't hurt anymore
Because you said I shouldn't

Take me back
To the lovely days

Days you didn't fuss
Over my reaction
To your reaction
Days you didn't over analyze
My words and my actions
Days you didn't expect anything
Days you gave without expecting
Days you called only when needed
Days you didn't agonize over missed calls
Days you didn't jump
On my name in your call screen
Days you didn't stress
over how you looked to me
Days you were confident in your dress
Days you didn't value my opinion
Over your own self worth
Days you didn't let me
Define your mood that day
Days you didn't let my reply
Dig a hole in your heart
Days you weren't obsessed
With the idea of me

Because if you really knew me well
You wouldn't want me.

I care about it, he doesn't
I think about it, he doesn't
I listen to words, he doesn't
I analyse moments, he doesn't
I relive the moments, he doesn't
I give meaning to words, he doesn't
I remember things he said, he doesn't

Turns out he doesn't
Feel the feelings
Not an ounce of love
Nor an inch of hate
Nothing.
He acts
He says
He doesn't
Mean any of it
Inside is a shell
That doesn't feel a thing.

I love
I care
Deep today
Deeper tomorrow
You
Making my body thrill
Making my heart race


I'm not for you
You're not for me
I never know
Your feelings or self
An amazing mystery
Hiding from all
In plain sight

I wouldn't dream at all
Let alone wanting you
There's always more
To the surface
To the face
To the act
To you

So
I'll stay
I'll stay away.

Why do you always assume
That complimenting you
Means I like you?
That greeting you
Means I want a conversation?
That conversing with you
Means I want advice?
That my taking time to look good
Means I wanna be hit on?

I made assumptions
Assumptions about you
They weren't true
You weren't capable
Being that person
That you portrayed

You wanted us
Thinking that you
Were this person
That you project
That you paint
To be seen

You have created
A public persona
To hide you
Behind those walls
That you raised
To extreme heights
To prevent anyone
From jumping over

Like predicted values
Of resulting attempts
Hurt and anguish
Befalls attempted climbers
Disappointment and brokenness
For making effort
Few steps up

Like movie roles
You have created
Extremely convincing characters
For all situations

Like double agents
You have managed
To be anyone
Anyone but you
Throwing us away
Away from yours
Your real scent
Away from you
Your real life.

You may not have a partner
To talk and share stories with
But you don't have an extra adult
To take care of their every need

You may not have financial help
To fend for your child
But you don't have extra bills
To take from your little income

You may not have an extra set of hands
To help with the housework
But you don't have an extra human
To clean up after and cook for

You may not have an extra set of ears
To listen to your stories and whinings
But you don't have an extra mouth
Whose complains you have to listen to

You may not have someone
To make you feel good
But you don't have an extra someone
To make look good

You may be lonely
But it is less effort
When it's only you

How amazing
The trust you have for me
Even after I dissapoint

How incredible
The love you have for me
Especially in my angriest moments

How lovely
The way you hold on to me
When my attention is miles away from you

The way you get under my skin
The way your actions graze my nerves
With every little thing you do

The way you touch my heart
The way I beam with pride
With every small progress you make

The way I struggle
The way I gather patience
With each button you push

How fulfilling it is
To achieve that progress
In the smallest measure
In the largest proportion

It's not just love
But unconditional love
It's not just commitment
But undying commitment

Today I was mad
Today I was alone
Today I felt ignored

Then I reached out
Out of myself and looked at others
That's when I got the check

The reality that I was selfish
The reality that you needed me
More than I needed you

I asked God for you
That you may see outside your darkness
That you may experience
That you who you think you lost

Days fade into nights
Weeks into months
Months into a year
My heart breaks
Tears run down
There's no evidence
There's no hope

You wiggle and wiggle
Kicking and waving
Rolling and turning
You struggle to keep them closed
It is simple, but hard to you
My heart breaks
Tears run down
Cause I struggle with it too

I sit watching you
Thinking
Imagining
Dreaming
Hoping
For a change in this life
A future to be proud of
With evidence and exhibits
Of our struggles and efforts
And memories of the pain
To put smiles on our faces

You ask how I am
I want to tell you Not fine
Then you'll ask What's up
Not because you wanna know
But because it's routine
And if you wanna know
It's because you are curious
Yes, you don't care at all

I want to tell you what's happening
But then you'll judge first
Or probably not pay attention
To you it's the flow of conversation
Not one you want to have
You'd rather it stopped at a fake 'I'm fine'
And when you do pay attention
It's because you want a story
To use at your next gossip session

You want to know
For the mere purpose of knowing
It wouldn't make a difference
If I was fine or not
Neither would it matter
If I lied about how I'm feeling
Why do you want to be my friend
If you don't want to be my friend?

She looks at her
As she feeds him
As she beams at him
With a mother's pride
Then she wonders quietly
How her baby would've been

She watches her
As she struggles with her crying baby
As she tries to soothe him
As everyone judges her motherhood
As she tries to mother him
And she wonders quietly
About her own
That she never got to hold

She quietly questions
Whether it was a relieving loss
Like a dodged bullet
She quietly wonders
How her single motherhood
Would've been in a judgy community
Of hateful christians

You are suffering
Because you love her
Even if you won't admit it

Why did you end the other one?
You said she didn't respect you, anymore
That says she did, respect you
At some point, you were happy
You did start well, together

So how will you start it with this one?
This one who doesn't respect you?
This one who doesn't care about you?
This one who's not your friend?
This one walking all over you?

Don't you think
Getting into an unhappy marriage
Is signing into your own suffering?

It's amazing
The ability to turn a setback
Into something funny
Into something beautiful
Into something to smile about
To turn it upside down
And let it bring happiness
Instead of sadness
Apparently, it's true
Life's what you make out of it

Lately these conversations
Have become more in my head
Rather than out of my mouth

Maybe it's me learning self control
Not to talk back at you
For your hurtful words and actions

Maybe it's me tackling compulsion
Not to reach out to you
Everytime I see you in my contacts

Maybe it's me learning not to act
On my impulsive impulses
Not to say just anything in my mind

Maybe it's me learning to deal
With my issues and my problems
Instead of letting them out there
Or going out to seek validation

They say to think before acting
Or is it talking before acting?
Probably both