Love causes confusion, written by Kristie Townsend (09.04.07)
6 July 2012 at 00:15

LOVE CAUSES CONFUSION..........
I CAN'T SLEEP TONIGHT, BECAUSE YOUR NOT HERE YOU HAVE A HOME,
A LIFE OF YOUR OWN WITHOUT STRONG ARMS TO PULL ME NEAR
I FEEL ABANDONED & AFRAID, CONSUMED BY FEAR
"I'LL RETURN SOON, HONEST"
THATS WHAT YOU SAID YOU'D DO
"TRUST AND BELIEVE IN ME, BABE"
AND I HALF-HEARTEDLY TRIED, HONEST, ITS TRUE!
MY SENSES STIR AND MY SOUL AWAKENS
EVERYTIME YOU WALK IN THE ROOM
MY DEFENCES ARE DOWN, MY FOUNDATIONS SHAKEN
AS I BEG YOU "PLEASE, COME TO ME SOON"
A PHYSICAL PAIN, THAT IS WHAT I FEEL
WHEN YOU ARE NO LONGER HERE
MY ADDICTION AND DEPENDANCY ARE REAL
"OUR LOVE" BEING JEPODISED BY "MY FEAR"
"OLD DESTRUCTIVE HABITS DIE HARD" SAY THE CONSTANT VOICES IN MY HEAD
THEY LEAVE MY EMOTIONS, MY HEART SCARRED & LONELINESS IS ALLEVIATED BY ANALYSING ALL THAT YOU SAID.
I TRUELY HAVE NEVER GIVEN MYSELF TO ANOTHER, AS I DO TO YOU SOUL MATES, BEST FRIENDS, LOVERS
I REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS THROUGH
I BELIEVE THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER,
I CAN NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR YOU
I WOULD WRITE YOU A "DEAR JOHN" LETTER
BUT I CANNOT, FOR IT SIMPLY WOULD NOT BE TRUE
I AM A FOUNTAIN OF SOPPY SENTIMENT
WHEN I THINK OF OR SEE YOU
PREVIOUSLY FULL OF RESENTMENT
NOW I'M FILLED WITH SELF DOUBT & WHO YOU MAY *****!
I HOPE THAT YOU ARE A BIG BRAVE LION
COS I'M SCARED ENOUGH FOR TWO
I PRAY YOU'RE MADE OF STRONGER STUFF THAN I AM
FOR I FEEL WEAK, HELPLESS & ALL ASKEW
THE CONFLICTING SWIRL OF EMOTIONS
I HAVE DEEP WITHIN MY CORE
ARE MOST LIKELY TO CAUSE A COMMOTION
IF I SHOULD DARE TO DREAM OF MORE
I PRAY DAILY THAT WE STAY TOGETHER
IF NOT FOR A YEAR OR MORE
HOWEVER MY CYNICISM KNOWS BETTER
MY PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES PREDICT THE FINAL SCORE
I MEAN IT WHEN I TELL YOU THIS,
FOR WORDS ARE ALL THAT I HAVE,
YOU GET THE JIST?
I THINK THAT I'M FALLING IN LUST WITH YOU
AND NO I'M NOT *******!
I THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE GIVEN ME
WHICH IS A LOT, MORE THAN I KNOW
I LOVE, HONOUR, RESPECT & CHERISH YOU
WELL AT LEAST UNTIL THE DAY YOU GO!

For Frances-Lily Mills who was born on 27th September 1995
6 July 2012 at 01:16

Eyes so blue
Ginger hair too
Chubby cheeks
***** that leaks

Short fat fingers
Small button nose
Smell that lingers
Stubby little toes

A daughter to love
A child to hold
Sent to me
To teach and mould


Written by Mum

GRANDFATHERS WISDOM
6 July 2012 at 01:24
Two grumpy old men
One named Rolly, one named Den
Two authentic diamonds in the rough
Both made of real tough stuff
Yet neither would harm a single hair on my head
Never was there a truer word said

Both very proud to be a mans man
Both intent on drinking as much alcohol as they can
Both my yard sticks, by which, all males I measure
Both my darling grandads, whose love and advice I shall always treasure

"Keep your powder dry" Oh and Grandad I really DID try!
"Never mix the grape and the grain" these words I recall, as I recover from a killer hangover once again!
"No one likes a liar, nor trusts a thief" -" Its never too late to turn over a new leaf" Phew, now that is a relief!

"Hide your tears and smile, not matter tough this trial"- "always respect your elders, for they are who made us"-" Live and let live", and "always give the best that you have to give"
"Never, to yourself be untrue, no matter what **** you are going through"
"Keep your head held high" - "Be sure to look everyone in the eye"
"Never let those that hurt you, see you cry!"
"Time really will fly!"

"Play no part in idle chit chat or gossip, have enough about yourself to rise above it"
"Work hard, play hard, keep you private business confined to your own back yard"
"Home-made chips always taste better when fried in lard"

"Neither a lender nor a borrower be, unless prompt repayment you can guarantee"
"Love is to be given and returned for free,unconditionally"

These precious, priceless pearls of wisdom were imparted to me
By my two wonderful Grandads,
By two grumpy old men,
One named Rolly, and one named Den.

Epitaph (by KT)
19 September 2012 at 12:11

Write me a poem.
Use the words you were born with,
The words you grew up with,
The words you speak everyday of your life.


Don't bring me a rose from a garden you did not grow.
Better the thick green stalk of a ****
Grown wild and unbidden
Behind the steps of your back porch.
Better a handful of parched grass
Plucked fitfully from your own lawn.

Write me a poem
And let me hear your voice.
Unsmooth, raucous,
Irritating as the sound of a rusty tricycle trundling by.

Let me see your face.
Scarred and uncared for,
Unwashed and unshaven,
Tender and sad.

Write me a poem
And deliver it to my mossy grave
With a ragged bunch of flowers
Planted and picked by your hand
And read me your words.

I WILL LISTEN.

And beneath the earth
And upon the winds
And across the seas
I will sound my applause
In the song of the tiny sparrow
As she flies forever home.

Missing You
30 May 2013 at 18:52
I want to cry every night,
Because I miss the way we fight.

I pray for you every night,
Because I miss you not being in my sight.

I miss the sound of your voice,
That I am sick and tired of all this noise.

I miss the way you smell,
Oh that smell.

I love you so much I can’t deny,
For when I see you I will break down and cry.

For when I cry these happy tears,
I won’t have anymore fears.

You’ll be home safe with me,
That I’ll be able to sleep.

Oh how I miss you so much.

I’ll just have to wait and hope you will, keep in
touch♥

CUTTING THE TIES THAT BIND
So I cut myself with a knife
just to see if I can still feel anything in this pathetic life
But I feel nothing at all
as I watch my crimson blood fall
I score my skin, deeper and deeper, push the knife in
nothing..... not even a sting...absolutely nothing
I frantically seek a virginal place I can carve, cut away my hate
self loathing, disgust, as I look at myself, what a ******* state
Waiting to faint, as my blood seeps and escapes
but as if mocking me, I have to wait
relief comes at a price, a deadly cost
and reminds me of all that i've lost
tired and sleepy, waiting for death to collect me
I've planned for no one to save me, finally be free
one last slice, just to ensure
deep across artery, my blood pumps no more

My Journey Through Madness
#illness   #self-harm   #selfharm   #mentalhealth

Where is my Mummy?
Where is my Mummy?
The terrified child asked, each and every night
Where is my Mummy?
without her I am afraid, please don't turn out the light
Where is my Mummy?
I'm scared...is she alright?
Where is my Mummy??
I am frightened, I need her to hold me tight
Where is my Mummy??
I really do miss her so
Where is my Mummy?
Where did she have to go?
Where is my Mummy?
Why did she not kiss me goodbye?
Where is my Mummy?
tell me please, and this time don't lie
Where has my Mummy gone?
did she leave cos I was naughty? did I do something wrong?
Where is my Mummy?
Tell me, will my Mummy be gone for long?
Doesn't my mummy love me? can she hear me cry?
Why did God choose my Mummy to live with the angels in the sky?
So many kisses & cuddles, yet to give to my Mummy, but now, how can I?
I see no stairway to heaven, and no wings have to fly
Is it because I wasn't a good little girl, Oh how, really hard, I did try
Where is my Mummy??
When will my Mummy be coming back?
Without her love, I am exposed, I am easy to attack
My Mummy did protect me, she made up for that we lack
My Mummy always took so much s**t and she never gave it back
Where are you Mummy??
I search for you everywhere
can you hear me Mummy??
can you hear my heartbroken prayer??
Mummy, Mummy where are you???
Nana said you'd gone to see baby Paul in heaven, is that true??
Grandad said that you were tired and needed a bit of a rest

I asked why didn't mummy have a lie down?? she could have used my bed
Robin sighed, looked straight into my eyes and said "Kristie, our mummy is dead"
The room is spinning Mummy and I feel really, really sick
Come and kiss me better Mummy, I really need you
Mummy please come now, I beg you, come quick
but in my heart, I know, my Mummy isn't coming back
My Mummy really has gone
I don't have a Mummy - She couldn't keep fighting on
I have nothing, I have no one - Maternal Love went wrong
I tell everyone and anyone - I don't have a Mummy anymore
I cry and cry for my Mummy - until my eyes and throat are sore, red raw
but it doesn't do me any good, Mummy doesn't live with us anymore
and gone are Mummy's hugs, kisses & smiles galore
Goodnight Mummy, I hope that you have a really nice sleep
I will always love you Mummy, and your memory alive, I shall keep
I promise you Mummy, I shall try not to cry
For your star I shall seek, wishing & wondering why
I blow to you and Baby Paul many kisses, Mummy
I blow them hard and way up high
I shall see you again, one day mummy
To you I will not ever, say goodbye
So many years have passed now Mummy,
Since you had to go away
and your only daughter still misses you
and needs you, each and every single day
I have to ask you though Mummy -
cos still on mind it does play
Why Mummy?? Why??
Why did you go away?
Why, Mummy, why?? -
Did you not love me enough to stay??

In Memory of My Mummy, SYLVIA LUCY LEDWITH (RIP 17.06.81)
#suicide   #dying   #death