it feels weird
knowing i am not with you
knowing that we won’t be together for the rest of our lives like we once planned
nursing homes and having our rooms next to each other is scratched out
how from this point on we depart in a way
you are too busy for me to make plans with
too busy to call me
too busy to text me
and my mind is too busy sometimes too
spiraling thoughts spiral more
and i remember how we won’t be together
that feels weird
losing you in a way
except the only one getting lost is me
because you are perfect
and you can’t get lost
it still feels weird
knowing i won’t be the one you ask for the homework anymore
it feels weird that i don’t want it to be me
it feels weird that i have been wanting to escape these friendships for a while now
i am trying to take my opportunity
but at the same time i don’t want to be rude
i know what this situation feels like
my skin is dry now
from our most recent dry conversation
i could not even force myself to laugh
nothing was funny enough
i am sorry that i dragged you down for so long
that i dulled your shine
that i wasn’t able to provide the same support that everyone else was able to
it feels weird
knowing that we are related now
knowing that our friendship is complicated but still simple
a little too simple
simply complicated
it feels weird now
knowing that i won’t be there for you when it is your big first moments
promposal
first boyfriend
or even homecoming
it feels weird
that i don’t want to mix you up with the new life that i am going to have
that despite me having so much to talk to you about
i didn’t want to tell you anything
my mind no longer felt obligated to force my mouth to spill every little secret and detail
that it was more comforting to say that it was too much and i did not want to talk about it
it felt like torture
but not your presence through a screen
my own presence and my own breathing
it felt weird
i didn’t have the urge to want to have a sleepover with you anymore
suddenly eating breakfast and brushing my teeth next to you wasn’t as appealing
i would have rather stayed alone then done that
you were too nice
you couldn’t understand my feelings that is for sure
have fun at your concert though
i hope you find a cute boyfriend that treats you really well
i hope you forget me i truly do
i’m sorry i dragged you down so much
sorry i was the negative in a magnet and a pregnancy test
sorry i couldn’t be someone like you
i hope you forget me
and it feels weird
knowing that i hope i forget you too

She sits there
With flaws on her body
She sits there
Hair on her legs making a little garden of roses
She sits there
Volcanoes on her face
Looking like they are about to erupt
Yet she manages to maintain balance and equality inside
Well sometimes
She sits there
Carelessly
Yet still with care for the world and everyone, everything, in it
She sits there
Still
With a tornado spinning the thoughts in her head
Making her deal with it because clicking ruby red heals doesn't make the problems go away
She sits there
Clutching the cross around her neck
Mumbling prayers
A cloud releasing small raindrops
She sits there
Being an ally,
A friend,
The person that listens when no one else does,
She waits for you to tie your shoe while everyone else walks away.
But she is also the one left behind on the sidewalk
She still sits there
Knowing how others treat her
But not letting that reflect negatively on how she treats others
She sits there
And look at that,
With a smile on her face,
She continues to grow,
Nothing prohibits her from moving forward,
She is unstoppable,
She is beautiful,
She is grace,
She is laughter,
She is sunshine,
She is light,
The light that awakens the dark,
The light that makes the moon shine,
She is everything and more.
She sits there
Being radiant
Being herself
She sits there
Knowing who she wants to be and what it takes to get there
She sits there
Patiently
She sits there
Being me
I am
Sitting there