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4d · 29
Lost and Found
I'd never thought that I'd live freely with your absence.
Yet you leaving was the piece of the puzzle that was missing.
I'd been staring at a screen
my mind was mangled by the continuous circle that flowed before it was ****** into the abyss of a black hole.
And I'd been tricked into thinking that with you I was living.
But now without you, I'm breathing.

If you asked me a year ago who I depended on most I'd say your name.
I didn't have to register the question because as soon as "dependent" left your lips I knew the answer.
My name wouldn't have been considered.

With you,
Fear constantly crept on my body and tickled my spine as it breathed down my neck because making you upset was the ultimate sin in my book.
All I'd known was loving the image of you from the first day we met.
All the ****** up things you said to me after were erased because you reminded me what it was like to be called beautiful by someone other than my mother.  

The ache you caused me didn't hurt as much as I'd been expecting it to.
I haven't missed you in weeks and only think of you in my prayers.
I pray that you've changed so the new girl doesn't have to learn as many lessons as I did from my experience with you.

I'm no longer afraid of your ******* facade.
I can identify an ignorant coward from 342 miles away.

Yet some tears were worth shedding when the droplets were swept away by a gracious hand.
My fingertips caressed my cheek.
And I remembered what it was like to be called beautiful and strong by someone other than my mother.
5d · 79
Soggy Apple
When did you turn into a soggy apple?
You'd been sweet and plump and round and shiny.
And apple juice would drip down my chin.
Then you wrinkled and tickled my tongue when I'd take a bite.
And you were sour and brown and mushy.
Soggy apple.
I can't even say I know what to write anymore.
Life has been depleted from my fingertips.
It's 8 in the morning.
Yes, we see you teaching us, please give us a break.
Nov 10 · 25
16 is far too young
I wish I could’ve said thank you again.
I wish that I could’ve held your body for a little longer
Held your hand a little stronger
So that I could remember the curves and crevices on your palm
I wish my words could’ve extinguished the fire that surrounded you
I wish I could’ve ****** the harmful air out of the room that engulfed your lungs
I wish I could’ve changed the thermometer for our world and made it warmer
So you wouldn’t have been in the house in the first place
I wish I would’ve made a PowerPoint of all the ways you made me cherish life more
I wish I could’ve said goodbye
I wish I would’ve made more conversation and made fewer abbreviations because now I feel I was shortening our time together
I wish I would’ve danced to your mumbled words that you sang in the pews at church
I wish I could’ve seen you more
I wish I could’ve made you happy,
And had fought through the excuses when I said I couldn’t
You were the one that cared
And you stuck by everyone’s side until they were better
I wish I had done the same for you

It’s hard to realize the sacrifices done for us
But we should accept it,
Before it’s too late.
On January 30th I lost someone I didn’t expect to lose
I wish I hadn’t lost him
He was too young
And the life ahead of him was full
It is said that before you pass there are 7 minutes of brain activity left
And you go through the moments in your life
I hope I was in one of those clips
I shouldn't have lost you,
But I did
And I miss you so much
And I would pray that it was all fake news and you would come back
But I know you can’t
So thank you for the visit as an angel
I couldn’t say goodbye to you
But sometime in the future, I will say hello once again.
TW: Death
Nov 10 · 34
America and singing
Red, white, and blue crumpled napkins contain crumbs of sugar cookies frosted with stars and stripes.
Dazzling glitter pollutes the air for the beauty of a few seconds,
And the sound.
Oh, the sound.
Shakes veterans to their core,
And I always thought it was hypocritical to preach for them
While firing gunpowder over their heads as means to glorify their accomplishments on veterans day.
But that’s ‘ok’,
Because today’s the first of the seventh month,
So I suppose it’s mandatory we celebrate?

I will always be patriotic for Simone Biles.
Her strong arms and legs pick me up and hold my hands as she convinces me that America is a euphoric eutopia for 90 seconds in a ballad on the gymnastics floor.
She sings for Americans in her beautiful blue leotard.
Even when Americans don’t sing for her in their overly orange skin.

I will always be patriotic for those who receive their long-awaited citizenship.
Months, years, decades, of nail-biting, hair pulling, feet tapping.
I will hug and cry with overwhelming joy as they finally grasp onto a post-it square that says,
“You are no longer ‘illegal’ in a country that was stolen by white men in ruffled linen shirts and is now run by white men in suits.”

I will always be patriotic for women in America,
Who taught me I didn’t need to be white or wealthy to be just enough in society.
In this country, I am not seen for how big my belly can swell with babies,
Or how great my cooking and cleaning skills are,
Because these powerful women gave themselves a voice even when the lens pointed to them being powerless.
They dug the road and I am responsible for cementing our place
As usual, we women fix the mistakes that men created.

But America isn’t loving to everyone, and I refuse to paint my face in a patriotic mask every day. I hear America singing.
But the voices are raspy, monotonous, and white
As they sing the same story of coming from nothing and creating something.
To them, America is the land of opportunity.
To others, America is the land of opportunity for their kids, but not themselves.

I hear America singing and their melody clashes with mine.
I sing the story of descending from a different motherland.
America’s tongue was brutalizing to understand and every word stung like a slur against the Mexican flag printed on my skin.
American schools love using me for their brochures.
American restaurants love calling hard-shell tacos authentic Mexican cuisine.
American people love telling me to say something in Spanish.
America loves parts of me.

But America can be so painful
Yet I don’t think I can blame them for everything.
Because all America has learned is how to build a wall so that their gooey insides won’t leak out.
And America hides underneath violence and the guns from Walmart.
America is petrified.
America knows that it will become a different America soon.
We don’t all sing for America.
Whitman and Hughes inspired poem
I Hear America Singing/I, too, sing America.
I am America.
To become president you have to be a natural-born citizen, at least 35 years old, and a resident for 14 years,
fruits are accepted too.
As well as uneducated people with no prior experience in politics that have their reality tv shows.
Masks are political statements like bumper stickers on a car,
A person’s IQ hangs on the invisible threads of a maskless face.
That does an oh-so-well job of covering an ugly mouth that spits gum onto the ground and insults at one's face.
School shootings are justified by the mental illnesses of white people,
but a forged president Jackson will press against the neck of George Floyd by a man with a badge that once meant honor.
Terrorists that attack a branch of our government are called patriots,
but a movement supporting a black person’s right to live freely without fear is ‘’racist and communist.’’

I am America.
People neglect climate change as an issue,
yet believe a shadow from a groundhog to tell the prolonging of winter.
Here we’re proud to be “American,”
forgetting that our border neighbors are American too.
Kids are bullied for having melanin by the same people that get skin cancer at 23 from their excessive tanning obsession.
Our shelves incarcerate black hair products with padlocks and laser beams,
Conditioner and gel are guarded better than our Congress.
Guns can be found next to the gum as you checkout.

I am America?
Where a flag supporting slavery,
representing centuries of degrading, oppressive, demonizing, racism,
justifying hate against people whose beliefs don’t match Christian values,
hangs on the porch of a couple who are first cousins.
They believe same-*** marriage is a sin,
but he cheats on his wife with the clerk down the street twice a week
and condemns a 13-year-old’s body that couldn’t bear a child without losing her life.
Pointing to her in ridicule,
with a finger connecting to the flaunting ******* clinging to the forearm.
And on Sundays they hold each other’s palms,
reciting a prayer to a God,
for their home on land that was snatched from Native arms.

I am America.
The ongoing battle of old white men defending older white men to be on our money is never a closed discussion,
because they can’t bear to have a freedom fighter named Harriet Tubman have the recognition she deserves.
‘’GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY’’ is yelled to indigenous people that dance for the 8 million natives that couldn’t.
“GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY” is yelled at to people whose ancestors were stolen and flung onto grimy boats that couldn’t sustain pure human lives.
“GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY” is yelled at people who “steal our jobs”
but the jobs they “steal” are managed by people that speak a different tongue and you feel too privileged to do.
Our history plays on repeat,
As our fears are held by the hands of men that couldn’t keep their wrinkly white hands to themselves.

I am America.
Where the irony settles,
Of four white men carved into sacred land.
As they dug their mucky nails and lanky fingers in the shoulders of thriving indigenous people.
I am America. as
Our land is as free as the slaves in 1863.
Our states are united,
As we are the home of the cowards.
Two colors flood an election map,
three colors on a star-spangled banner.
Drawn are 13 stripes of colonizers,
and 50 stars of stolen Native land.
I am America.
I’m not proud,
nor patriotic,
just disappointed.
As a flag waves in disgrace,
being American is just being born in the United States,
I am America.
It's lengthy, but I promise It's worth the read.
Without realizing it
I lay down
And take a deep breath
I feel the coldness of the grass on my arms and legs
They ***** a little on the sides of my thighs
My fingertips touch the dirt that produced the grass which my very body lays on
My eyes are closed so that I won’t be overwhelmed by the suns rays

And I feel invincible
In a way that I can walk around with the biggest smile on my face
And it is because I am simply in a state of happiness
I smile a little as my body sets into the ground
Feeling the soft touch of the dandelions on my ankles
And with that, I am placed back into an image of when I would blow off the seeds of the dandelions and make a wish
Hoping that it would soon become true
But now,
Now I don’t even remember my wishes
Not from the dandelions,
Or the birthday candles,

And you know,
It’s quite curious,
how when we make wishes
We close our eyes and hope they come true
But later on
I kid you not
You will forget about them too.
when i was younger i’d ask the tooth fairy y el raton for a book rather than money
id place my perfect pearly yellow tooth on my nightstand with the flowers engraved on the sides
and i’d keep the letter containing shaky writing close by so they don’t miss my request and leave a quarter by accident
they’d work together to get me a book,
diary of a wimpy kid, if you give a mouse a cookie, the boxcar children.
a book costs a lot more than the teeth-takers make from taking a single smelly tooth,
so they weren’t making quite a profit off of me
but oh my brown eyes would wake and lids would spread wide
as I see the new book that i’d get to read
to my second grade classroom of troublemakers
that would only calm down if i read them a book before they left to go home at three
i’d tap the heel of my flat shoe the same way my teacher did
and stumble over words i wasn’t taught to read yet
i know every kid asked for money
but i asked for words that contained more value than Abraham Lincoln did on a piece of wrinkled paper
if you give a child a book,
they will plant their seed and rise.
and even knowledge can disguise itself as a fun little book
given in exchange for a single smelly tooth
Nov 10 · 21
We're known strangers
Sometimes I still wonder
If you continue to use the 24 dollar mascara
That made my eyelashes look stumpy
Like plump tree stumps
With rings inside to show the life that wasn’t worth living
When you’re born to be chopped into a stump.

I wonder if your eyes still close when you smile
And if your dimples still show when you’re surprised,
Or when you’d hear gossip when it wasn’t meant for your ears to drink.
I wonder if your nails still grow fast
And train for a competition against the flash
They would always win.

I wonder if you kept the handwritten letters
The alphabet was scrambled into configurations and passwords of inside jokes meant just for you
And me
And I would tell you every year how grateful I was to have a best friend that didn’t mind staring at my high bun every day.  

I wonder if you think of all the memories we made
And all the secrets I spilled
Or all the times our mouths couldn’t contain the addictive drug of laughter as our eyes spoke in parseltongue.

I wonder if you wish we’d stayed friends
And worked through the silent bystander issues
But we never ******* fought.
So we didn’t know what to do except let go
Because it felt too hard to hold onto a friendship that statistics said would grow apart

At age 16 or even 86
I will never regret the times we had
When we were kids
And didn’t know who we were so we chose to follow each other
Now I laugh at all the ******* we got away with as ‘’honors’’ students
And I’ll laugh at that too when I'm old in a wooden rocking chair staring brainlessly at the pretty view
Or I might not
In case I don’t make it to 86
Or my head is filled with everything but the memory of you.
Nov 10 · 17
Bobby Jack
I have memories of laying in my bed,
Beneath the Bobby Jack monkey covers.
My head rested on the backboard with roses,
The pace of my mom's breathing was a comforting sound to me
As her nimble fingers would pinch and scratch my back
I would drift to sleep.

And as I grew older
My bedtime ritual no longer required three people
I stopped begging my dad to sit at the foot of my bed
The thick books translated to Spanish  
With magical endings and happy characters got dusty
There were only the prints of my dad's big hands turning the pages
And the remembrance of my eyelids flickering
Attempting to stay awake so that I could hear again how Cinderella got her Prince Charming

The bedtime stories stopped and I didn’t remember when they’d begun
A dip formed at the corner of my bed where my dad had sat but I didn’t want the extra space
I started sleeping with my back to the wall and the coolness was my new comfort
I didn’t really have to hear what would happen if you gave a mouse a cookie, right?
The stories stay the same anyway.
The breathing of three became one
Meditation music flew through the air
So I learned a new way to swim into the oceans of deep sleep.

One night my mom slept with me again
I wanted to remember what bedtime was like before I forced myself to grow up.
She reached to pinch my back
The single apple that had been my daily breakfast didn’t give much to pinch
And the skin on my back didn’t seem so much of a protectant more so needed to be protected

What no one tells you about growing up
Is that it happens at its own pace
Yet I still felt the need to paint my toenails the hottest pink
And switch my Bobby Jack covers for the blue one with the pink butterflies.
Colored lipgloss the scent of strawberries
Replaced the cinnamon Lip smackers
I forced myself to grow up

Counting on my fingers for math homework
Became counting calories on a tracker that made unhealthy eating habits seem appetizing
Growing up made my mouth water more than sweets
And being cool with an iPod made me think of myself as a twelve-year old-icon

Growing takes time but you’ll get there
No need for the rush to be someone bigger or stronger
And when stuck in traffic take the time to think and ponder the beauty in the world  
As expected I grew up without anticipating it to happen so quickly
Now the real question is would you willingly choose to waltz into growing up blind-sighted?
Or had you been waiting for so long that if you were to rub a magic lamp and get three wishes all three would be to grow up?

I remember the Bobby Jack monkey covers
If only I had created a cocoon with the soft polyester and waited until it was my turn to burst into a beautiful butterfly.
TW: ED talk
Nov 10 · 13
i bask in the heat of self-love
self ache
self soothe
on curves where curves are feared
i feel the empty curves where curves are expected
words fumble as my ventriloquist stutters the strings
and i’m quenched and craving the universe i deserve
that i will build myself
dust by dust piecing together
this is the hardest puzzle i’ve ever built
but i’m capable and i do
because women are Gods indestructible creation and i am she
who stares at herself
admiring the perfect beauty
that sits beautifully in a chair
or on a swing
as small legs oscillate
and glossy gleaming hair flails mercilessly
and i’m mesmerized
as she grabs my hand and delicately traces my index finger over the scars on my face and alchemized them into stars
her imperfections are perfect yet serendipitous constellations that deserve to be observed
but no scientist deserves nor can endure her powerful presence capable of shattering the earth with a wink
i gaze at her in awe
she’s the train wreck who makes it hard for my eyes to wander away
porque ella es la definición de belleza
and i’m thirsty for her self appreciation
my mouth waters for her self trust
as i watch her arms wrap herself in gratitude
and her fingers immerse themselves in her skin as they whisper unbroken promises of better days
a smile grows on her faultless asymmetrical face
as she tightens her grasp on the body that never fails to move,
or breathe,
or think,
or love,
or be
she is her
i am her
and i love her
it took a pandemic to realize that i had to love myself before i could live and breathe at the same time.
Jan 2020 · 168
MyCrumbledCookie Jan 2020
I was sure.
That I knew who you were.

And then I took a cloth,
Cleaned my glasses and squinted,
I didn’t recognize you at all.
Dec 2019 · 269
MyCrumbledCookie Dec 2019
I know you

Here I have stood with you
And I will never leave your side
Valued is what you are, you're an inspiration
Even when you feel like you struggle

Little do you know that people still look up to you
Oh don't you know
Vows create a connection
Everyday's remembrance of dedication to something or someone
Don't you want to give vows too?

You must have at least an inch of temptation to love someone else
Otherwise loneliness will be a cold side on your bed
Understand the need for love?
acrostic poetry
Oct 2019 · 77
MyCrumbledCookie Oct 2019
I close my eyes slowly,
Every breath taking in the smell of honey.
My body drifts to the never-ending moon.
I can see the stars that twinkle above,
And the starfish in the ocean.
I learn how to fly.
So I incapsulate the galaxy in a mason jar.
I see how little we really are,
As I drift to the never-ending moon.
I am honestly not completely sure as to what I was trying to achieve with this poem. I think it is just short and simple and sweet. How lovely.
Oct 2019 · 967
someone in love
MyCrumbledCookie Oct 2019
is it crazy?
to think
that if you fall in love with me
it would totally be too early
but we could totally still last forever
MyCrumbledCookie Sep 2019
If I ever leave this world,
If I ever fall off the planet,
Tell me honestly,
Would you miss me?
Would you really wallow around the streets?
Think about me in the classrooms as you daze off?
Tell me honestly,
Would you really remember my smile?
Or how my eyes close a little when I laugh?
Would you really remember how I was self conscious about my nose?
Would you actually regret not telling me that I am beautiful?

Please tell me,
If I ever slip off of the face of the earth,
Would you actually miss me?
Would getting out of bed be too difficult?
Would you feel the need to get rewarded because you were able to brush your teeth successfully?
Would seeing the color yellow be too painful?
Because it was my favorite color.

Tell me,
If I ever trip off of the planet,
Would it be so difficult?
Seeing my empty chair,
Not hearing my annoying laugh,
Or the constant questions because I never really knew what I was doing.
Would you say good riddance or be too remorseful to speak a word?
Would eating be too tiring of an activity?

Tell me,
If I ever roll off of the planet,
Would you actually miss me?
You don't show much care now while I am alive.
You brush me off like I am just a piece of lint on your sweater.
Right now I am anything but useful to you.

So tell me,
If I ever fall off of the face of the planet,
Would you actually miss me?
The days where you feel saddened and you start to question if anyone would actually miss you. I have your answer and it is yes. Someone will miss you when you are gone. The will stare at the places that you used to sit and the things that you touched. You will always be missed. If you ever fall off of the face of the planet, nothing else would ever be the same.
Sep 2019 · 162
Society Welcomes You
MyCrumbledCookie Sep 2019
Thanks for choosing to join society

On a side note it’s a permanent stay

Where everything is fake
From the flowers
To her lips

So get comfy this is our routine everyday

But not too comfortable
If you do we will tear you apart
Layer after layer
And don’t expect anyone to hear your prayer

Along with that we provide our services
With deconstructive criticism
Upgrade to our premium
Where there are many helpful tips
To learn to love your body
But thats only once you've met our standards
And we see you paper thin

It can be slightly difficult
Living in this new world
With our expertise and precision
It isn’t meant for everyone
But since you've gotten here already
There is no exit out
So this is your new life
Until your very last day
When we finally realize what living is really about

Thanks for choosing to join society
Where its an artificial place to stay
Put on the fake smile you’ve mastered
And have a great day
Sep 2019 · 265
MyCrumbledCookie Sep 2019
You are the reason why the chemical formula of love rushes through my body
That presents itself through my cheeks as I blush until I’m extra pink
That causes my muscles to tighten as I smile creating dimples near my mouth

You are the 8 carbon 11 hydrogen 2 nobelium used to create a simple molecule of dopamine
The dopamine that rushes through my brain
Through my veins
As it enters my blood stream
But when I hear that somebody else gives you that feeling
It breaks my heart
You underestimate how important you are to me
And it tears me apart
How a simple wave can make my day
Although you weren’t waving to me it was really the person behind
But that's okay

Your laugh and smile are the serotonin and oxytocin
that joins with the dopamine
collaborating too make a toxic mix we call love
When you take too much of the chemical things change
Words turn into blurs
Sounds turn into waves
Everything is now a haze

To me you seem perfect like a perfectly painted picture next to the perfect summer sun
A perfect combination
To me your the reason why I fall asleep
Eager for the next day to rise
If only you knew that that you are my toxic concoction we call love
Sep 2019 · 1.1k
it feels weird
MyCrumbledCookie Sep 2019
it feels weird
knowing i am not with you
knowing that we won’t be together for the rest of our lives like we once planned
nursing homes and having our rooms next to each other is scratched out
how from this point on we depart in a way
you are too busy for me to make plans with
too busy to call me
too busy to text me
and my mind is too busy sometimes too
spiraling thoughts spiral more
and i remember how we won’t be together
that feels weird
losing you in a way
except the only one getting lost is me
because you are perfect
and you can’t get lost
it still feels weird
knowing i won’t be the one you ask for the homework anymore
it feels weird that i don’t want it to be me
it feels weird that i have been wanting to escape these friendships for a while now
i am trying to take my opportunity
but at the same time i don’t want to be rude
i know what this situation feels like
my skin is dry now
from our most recent dry conversation
i could not even force myself to laugh
nothing was funny enough
i am sorry that i dragged you down for so long
that i dulled your shine
that i wasn’t able to provide the same support that everyone else was able to
it feels weird
knowing that we are related now
knowing that our friendship is complicated but still simple
a little too simple
simply complicated
it feels weird now
knowing that i won’t be there for you when it is your big first moments
first boyfriend
or even homecoming
it feels weird
that i don’t want to mix you up with the new life that i am going to have
that despite me having so much to talk to you about
i didn’t want to tell you anything
my mind no longer felt obligated to force my mouth to spill every little secret and detail
that it was more comforting to say that it was too much and i did not want to talk about it
it felt like torture
but not your presence through a screen
my own presence and my own breathing
it felt weird
i didn’t have the urge to want to have a sleepover with you anymore
suddenly eating breakfast and brushing my teeth next to you wasn’t as appealing
i would have rather stayed alone then done that
you were too nice
you couldn’t understand my feelings that is for sure
have fun at your concert though
i hope you find a cute boyfriend that treats you really well
i hope you forget me i truly do
i’m sorry i dragged you down so much
sorry i was the negative in a magnet and a pregnancy test
sorry i couldn’t be someone like you
i hope you forget me
and it feels weird
knowing that i hope i forget you too
Have you ever lost someone mentally, yet you realize that it is better with them not there?
Sep 2019 · 328
She Sits There
MyCrumbledCookie Sep 2019
She sits there
With flaws on her body
She sits there
Hair on her legs making a little garden of roses
She sits there
Volcanoes on her face
Looking like they are about to erupt
Yet she manages to maintain balance and equality inside
Well sometimes
She sits there
Yet still with care for the world and everyone, everything, in it
She sits there
With a tornado spinning the thoughts in her head
Making her deal with it because clicking ruby red heals doesn't make the problems go away
She sits there
Clutching the cross around her neck
Mumbling prayers
A cloud releasing small raindrops
She sits there
Being an ally,
A friend,
The person that listens when no one else does,
She waits for you to tie your shoe while everyone else walks away.
But she is also the one left behind on the sidewalk
She still sits there
Knowing how others treat her
But not letting that reflect negatively on how she treats others
She sits there
And look at that,
With a smile on her face,
She continues to grow,
Nothing prohibits her from moving forward,
She is unstoppable,
She is beautiful,
She is grace,
She is laughter,
She is sunshine,
She is light,
The light that awakens the dark,
The light that makes the moon shine,
She is everything and more.
She sits there
Being radiant
Being herself
She sits there
Knowing who she wants to be and what it takes to get there
She sits there
She sits there
Being me
I am
Sitting there

— The End —