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Alexa Aug 2020
Will arrest scared women for having a pocket knife
Goes home at the end of the day and beat up his wife
Torture and murders innocent black men
“They were scared for their life” is the reason of the torment
Shooting a kid dead for possessing ****
Freed from the ****** charges because ”he’s always so sweet”
The only life that doesn’t matter is the blue
And until the day I die, I will scream 1312
~ A.S 09.05.20 ~
9 May 2020
Alexa Aug 2020
Cops act like they always save people’s lives
Then they go home and beat up their wives
Torture and ****** innocent black men
“scared for their life” was their reason for the torment
Shooting a kid dead for possessing ****
Freed from the ****** charges because ”he’s always so sweet”
The only life that doesn’t matter is the blue
And until the day I die, I will scream 1312
~ A.S 31.05.20 ~
Ask
Alexa Aug 2020
Ask
Ask her what her favorite color is
Not at what age she had her first kiss
Ask her questions respectfully
And for god sake don’t ask when she lost her virginity
Don’t send her pictures of your **** without consent
Cause she’ll save it and laugh at it with her friends
Or she will do what I always do
Make sure your mama sees it too
~ A.S 20.06.20 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
If I had to describe attachment in one sentence. I’d call it “a car crash in slow motion”. You can’t control it, you can’t stop it, it creeps up on you until it’s too late to pump the brakes, you know it’s coming and it’s going to ******* hurt. And if it doesn’t **** you, you are gonna wish it did.
Now. You need to prepare yourself for the most horrible heartache you have ever felt. You are gonna miss them like ******* crazy. Getting over it might take up to 1 year. 6 months if you’re lucky.
Now, Are you ready for the next “hi” and “goodbye”?.
~ A.S 15.05.20 ~
15 May 2020
Alexa Aug 2020
“I just, why does my mom hate me?” You asked
My heart has never shattered so fast
“All I do is upset everyone”
My sweet baby, you’ve never been so wrong
“I'm just ******* fat and lazy”
Honey don’t say that they are just ******* crazy
“She doesn't care about me... she never has”
I promise baby we’ll be together, at last,
The **** they say to you is wrong and endless
And being so far away makes me feel so helpless
~ A.S 02.05.20 ~
Alexa Feb 2023
I ask too much of you and you can’t take it anymore
I just know I’ve never loved anyone like this before.
It always ends badly with a mutual obsession
I hope we do it and make it out of this depression
~ A.S. 15.04.22 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
You broke my self-esteem so grievously
It's crazy how skin can bruise so easily
You put deep wounds deep inside of me
And left scars no one but I can see
You left me battered, black and blue
But I find myself calling out for you
You battered, bruised, and got me to my knees
I believed you when you said you loved me
~ A.S 09.08.20 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
I wish my father could’ve realized what a mess he’d began
Been running for some time to keep away from his demands
But all It takes is one caring male gaze and I relapse
They call it “daddy issues” or “father complex”
I’ve avoided forming yet another strong attachment
But breaking my own heart seems to be a strong attraction.
Will you be my safe haven and keep me safe?
Will you support me when I can’t be brave?
Only god knows how hard I’ve tried not to let it shine through
I have tried not to care and love as much as I do
But when I get attached it’s too late to divert
God, I know this will hurt
~ A.S 08.05.20 ~
Alexa Mar 2021
Where did her husband go?
No one but Don Lewis know
Did he really run away?
Or is this a case of foul play
The people speculate he got eaten by his wife's tigers
Or did she use the meat grinders?
I don't want to tell you too much and spoil
But they said something about sardine Oil.
Who killed Don?
That ***** Carole ******' Baskin
But since he's dead we can't ask him
~ A.S 16.04.20 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
I’m a complicated human, I’m far away from being sane
There’s no way I could show you or even explain
It’s been so long since I’ve even trusted someone new
I hurt myself sometimes, is that too much for you?
Everything was so much easier when I didn’t know your name
Because now you’re stuck on my mind and I’m not the same
~ A.S 03.06.20 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
Am I looking for something I will never find?
Have the screaming in my head made me lose my mind?
I still ask myself how I could be so blind?
Why did I turn so bitter and quit being kind?
~ A.S 10.03.20 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
I'm not fine, not even okay
My anxiety holds me down forcing me to obey
Having the world on your shoulders is harder than I'm prepared to go through
Being looked down at and pushed to the limit for what I'm capable to do  
How on earth will I ever be okay again
Will I ever go back to who I was, will I ever be able to break these chains
It's holding me down to pieces and breaking me apart
I wish I could go back, I wish I could just push the restart
All my friends say that I could take something to fix it just a little bit
**** it, I wish it, I wish it was as simple as they picture it
It's slowly eating me, killing me inside until there's nothing here to fight for
Giving my all just to lose it again, lying crying on the bathroom floor
And no matter how much I try to keep a clear sight
The demons hold me back and it's getting harder to fight
To not know who you are, fighting my best not to fall apart
To have a soul full of scars and looking for the remedy for the broken heart
To not know who you will become when all ends, will I still be the same as when it all began?
Will I still be the old me that never bends?
To not know how you will manage everything
To have to go through hell and not be able to do anything
To not know if you have the power to say what you feel
And to be called a child and to have no own will
To be called too young to know what’s best for myself
That “You're too young to take care of yourself”
But if y'all knew what's inside of my head
You’ll regret everything you ever said
~ A.S 30.05.20 ~
Alexa Apr 2020
To be completely honest, you terrify me
You say you promise but that’s never a guarantee
I’ve been through this in the past many times before
And the red flags is something I no longer can ignore
When you look at me you see a stranger
But when I look back at you I see danger
~ A.S 05.04.20 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
I have these thoughts in my head that keeps me awake
I got this feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake
They make me really question my own sanity
Is this really me who’s talking or is it just anxiety?
Is this just me or is there something more?
Because I can’t recognize myself anymore
I have thoughts so black that they stain my heart
So I no longer can tell me or the whispering voices apart
~ A.S 20.04.20 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
I’ll give my condolences to your family
I’ll speak at your funeral about our memories
I’ll be at the wake with a black dress
I will shed a tear with the rest of the guests
I’ll walk away laughing from your ceremony
Cause baby, you’re ******* dead to me
~ A.S 14.06.20 ~
Alexa Mar 2021
Dear dad, I love you but I have to say this.
I go to trauma therapy to deal with the damage you gave me.
I really try to be good so you’ll be proud of me.
But that’s still not enough.
You don’t understand that everything I do is to make you proud of me. You don’t see or want to see that the pressure you put on me to get further holds me back from being the person I wanna be. All the fights, all the yelling, and the fear. All I’ve ever done is cope and hide the wounds you keep on ripping open.
To protect my brother, to protect my mom. To protect me.
From you
Dear dad, I love you but I stopped being your baby girl years ago
~ A.S 21.09.20 ~
Alexa Mar 2021
Because you didn’t just break my heart
You completely destroyed it
And every night I fall asleep with my pillows soaked
But I still count the hours until we can talk
Because a part of me still holds you dearly
~ A.S 06.10.20 ~
Alexa Feb 2023
I live in a world made of lies and delusion.
Where death is fake and pain an illusion.
Where cigarettes and liquor are good for me.
And I’m the happiest person I could ever be.
The drugs that I take are the cure for my heartache.
And I can’t die or get hurt, no matter what I take.
Nothing can hurt me in this fantasy bubble.
The fun never ends and I'm never in trouble
~A.S. 23.11.21~
Alexa Aug 2021
Coursing through my veins turning every thought deranged.
Increasing my paranoia and leaving myself changed.
He’s telling me a story but I’m busy watching life pass by.
It’s been about a month ago since the last I let myself get high.
Darkness is slipping through the cracks and I can feel it spread.
Creating figures in the shadows, and loud voices in my head.
3 am, it's a nice night and the wind is completely still.
When we come down from our high we'll have some hours to ****.
We have nowhere to go and it’s about half a lifetime until the next bus.
We just vibing while we watch the world waking up around us.
~ A.S. 24.08.21 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
I'm drowning but acting like nothing's wrong
I'm sick of being alive, I've been alone for so so long
I'm sorry for saying sorry every single second of the day
I swear, always mean well but keep ******* up what I say
I know for a fact that I'm easily replaceable
I'm aware that to my friends, I'm erasable
I’m always the one walking behind my friends alone
I’m sure they wouldn’t even notice if I went home
~ A.S 08.05.20 ~
Alexa Aug 2021
Saying “drugs will **** you one day” doesn't do anything but keep me popping.
I love to push my luck and see how close I can get to dying and I don’t see a point in stopping.
I believe I deserve to be foggy, on the brink of death, completely crazy, and always getting lit.
I believe this must be punishment for being me and I don’t want any help. So quit trying to fix it.
I love the way my soul is aching when the rest of me gives in.
I push a little further until I have one leg in the coffin.
Abandon the ship, everyone evacuate, there’s no wind in my sail.
Promise you’ll remember who I used to be when I’m dead, locked away, or stuck in jail.
~ A.S. 24-08-21 ~
Alexa Feb 2023
I’m not sorry for what I’m gonna say, dad, but honestly, there’s no surprise to anyone that I turned out this way.
Sure, you were always there and gave me money when I needed it but you always tore me down with what you’d say.
I know you regret it but that won’t undo the years of pain and my new behavior.
You wanted a good successful daughter but, boom *****, the plan backfired, and you got a failure.
The games, the screams, the broken stuff,  whispering **** under our breath.
Never say sorry, you buy me new ****, I forgive but never forget.
What was the reason for you to make me upset?
You had already decided and you had your mind set.
Every time I ask for help, you always have to try.
You only wanna see if you can once again make me cry
~ A.S. 23.08.21 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
I should've known from the start that you'd let me down
I should've known we'd become the talk of the town
I didn't give a **** if we came off as shady
As long as you'd answer my calls with "How's my lady?"
In the car singing "Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep"
Didn’t care if the world called you a creep
I was blinded by how you calmed my rage
So I didn’t care I was half your age
~ A.S 10.04.20 ~
~ A.S 10.04.20 ~
Alexa Sep 2020
It all starts with a feeling of pure fear and discomfort. Every day I swallow pills prescribed to make me happy but all they do is leave me more empty. The Serotonin and Dopamine deficiency is rooted deeper than the pills can reach.
Nobody knows what's going on inside of my head, and I've always wanted it to stay that way. But I’ve grown to realize that keeping my voice quiet will be the death of me.
I've got the kind of sadness you can't laugh away. I got the kind of exhaustion you can't sleep away. I got the kind of pain you can't medicate away. I got the kind of stress you can't drink away. Taking walks and yoga can't heal this. I sit in my bed all day counting down the hours until I can go to sleep. I lay awake staring at the roof until the room bathed in sunlight and I pressed replay. I lose myself for hours staring into the wall wishing I had the energy to pull the trigger I go for long walks lasting for hours in the end while chain-smoking to ease my thoughts I scream but at the bottom of the sea while drowning your words lose their meaning Nicotine and tar make me numb for long enough to catch my breath
Let me be
I’m a mess
I'm fragile, but not fragile like a flower
I’m fragile like a bomb
One wrong move and I blow up and destroy everything and everyone around me.
But I’m too far gone to care
~A.S 14.09.20~
Alexa Sep 2018
Goodbye
We took this way to far.
Like the night skies and the rides in the car.
We did what we swore we wouldn’t.
And we probably knew we shouldn’t.
Croseds so many lines and broke so many rules.
And kept on going like some kind of fools.
You broke the law and I was your accomplice.
We kept it a secret so no one would notice.
Like Bonnie and Clyde it was do or die.
I still don’t know why you are so shy.
We hurt each other, we make each other mad.
And all you ever did was make me sad.
You were the only one I adored.
But I can’t stand it anymore.
Alexa Feb 2023
I remember the day you left because you took a piece of me with you.
I hope the new girl you have replaced me with takes care of you like I do.
I gave you all my love, but you didn’t know how to answer it.
Saying lately you’re just dealing with a lot of feelings and *******.
I fading away and crumbling under all your big expectations.
I know there’s an easy way out but I don’t want to give in to the temptations.
You used to be my hero and would always come and save the day.
Now no matter what I do you act like a villain and turn every day all gray.
~A.S. 24.08.21 ~
Alexa Aug 2021
I’m stuck in this headspace and it’s killing me inside.
I can’t stand being sober, I need to be either drunk, faded, or high.
I’m becoming the worst version of myself, and a part of me embraces it.
The other part can't stand this life, but I don't know how to really quit.
The pain, panic, exhaustion, constant highs, lows, and numbness are wearing my body down.
But I keep falling back to the same thing and I always meet a dealer downtown.
~ A.S. 24-08-21 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
I am drawn towards the sick
I love the lunatic
I feel at home with the wicked
I’d die for the sickened
We all have our own demons
I am a part of the heathens
~ A.S 12.07.20 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
I can’t undo the glances they threw
I can’t take away the pain they put you through  
But I can be a safe space for you to put your mind
To hide your thoughts when you get colorblind
You don’t have to feel like you’re alone
Cause now, my dear, you are home
~ A.S 23.06.20 ~
Alexa Nov 2018
I want to say “goodbye”
But I can’t watch you leave

I want to say “I need you”
But you wouldn’t believe me

I want to say “I love you”
But you won’t understand

I want to say “let me go”
But you hold on to my hand
Alexa Dec 2018
Hush my pretty baby don't you cry
I see how hard you try
Baby, don't let those tears roll down
I know you are hurting, but you are not alone
Darling, imma stick it through
There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you
We're crazy baby, nobody knows our monsters
So we keep them a secret, we're the true mobsters
Hush my pretty darling don't feel no pain
I'm right here, i know you're insane
~ A.S 07.10.18 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
I know I should really take them, I have had trouble sleeping lately
And another trip to the mental ward can affect my grades greatly.
They prescribed Imovane and said “don’t take them in vain.
But they forget to say if I do not take them I may go insane
~ A.S 03.05.20 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
Growing up, a “sorry” was the paper-thin line between “they didn’t scream too much today” or  “crying myself to sleep because it’s 3 am and we’ve been fighting for hours and I literally got nothing more to give”
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

Yelling triggers my anxiety so badly, it doesn’t matter if you yell at me saying you just won a million dollars, I’ll still cry. My parents screamed at me until I was scared they’d hurt me
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

I can’t stand people trying to touch my face, I flinch and try to get away. That’s what happens when someone’s touch once left marks
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

If I were to tell my parents about how ******* tired I was of living they’d just tell me to stop overreacting. That’s why I ignore my mental health until I’m literally dead inside
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

When someone asks me something it’s super hard for me to say “yes” or “no” because whatever I would answer I would either get called “spoiled” or “ungrateful”. And due to my parents forcing and shaming me to say “thank you” it’s now super hard for me to say it
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

My parents used to leave me on read because they got “tired of dealing with me and my overdramatized feelings”, that’s why I freak out when I’m left on read
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

But I’m still a work in progress
And I might never be ready
~ A.S 14.05.20 ~
Alexa Mar 2021
The only one who really stays is the demons in my head, they are the only company I have. (I'm back, missed me?)
They are the only one who understands me. (I see your pain)
I don't even try to shut them out anymore, they can scream all they want, I still don't care. (Just wait)
I've tried so hard, **** I’ve given it my all, all these years going round and round a carousel, I want to go off but there is no exit. I am always doing my very best but it's still not enough, I'm never enough, I can always do better. I can push it a little bit closer to the edge, just a little bit closer. I'm almost there,I can see it, I need success, not a failure, I fall. (You are a mistake, no one loves you, why don't you go and **** yourself huh?)
I wish I could stop and be normal but I can't and believe me I’ve tried, I’ve tried to not be Me. (I am a part of you and you can never escape me, fear me)
I've tried not to be too passionate about what I love doing (Three hours straight isn't a too long time, come one, you like doing this)
I try not to get lost in my own head (Oops, I accidentally have woken a memory you've fought so long to forget, enjoy)
I try to not let my feelings overflow (are you sad? let's make it a double)
I try to not hate you (I love you)
Because I really do love you (I hate you)
You are the worst human I've ever met and I never wanna see you again (Don't leave me)
I love you more than I love anything else (Don't touch me)
It's always like that, black or white, never grey (I see you)
There must be a serious problem with me but I don't know how to fix it (I know, death)
I’ve tried it all (Failure)
Pills (take them all)
Talking to someone (They think you're a burden)
Take a walk (Someone is behind you, better have a panic attack)
Clear your head (I will never leave)
Breathe in and count to ten (I am all you got)
But oh dear god, I'm drowning again (I will save you)
My demons stay but you don't. (I love you)
11 October 2019
Alexa Aug 2020
I wish I knew how to say what I;
WANT without being too scared;
TO be honest and say that I want to;
**** the sadness I feel inside of;
MYSELF that never leave;
BUT would you still look at me as if;
I never changed and say that you
DON'T want to lose me, that you
WANT me to stay in your life because
MY sadness doesn't change me from being a part of your
FAMILY
AND change that to being just
FRIENDS again, would you still say you want me
TO never leave you and always
BE by my side no matter how
SAD I am
I Want To **** Myself But I Don't Want My Family And Friends To Be Sad
~ A.S 14.04.20 ~
Alexa Feb 2023
I can be a bit jealous from time to time, but never to this degree.
But somehow you manage to bring out the very worst in me.
You leave me second-guessing and doubting myself.
Who are you talking to? I see you’re online, is it someone else?
****, I can’t stand it, what have I become?
Everyone’s a threat and I can’t trust anyone.
~ A.S 01.04.21 ~
Alexa Mar 2021
My kisses always taste bittersweet
Bubblegum laced with amphetamines
My hands, are cold to the core and pale like snow
They leave a trail of broken hearts and suffering wherever I go
~ A.S 23.11.20 ~
Alexa Aug 2021
Messages left on read.
Got me spiraling, are you dead?
You’ve been so distant lately.
Did you make it home safely?
Lately, it feels like you are leaving.
Are you up or are you sleeping?
My heart is breaking slowly.
I’ll be here when you feel lonely.
~ A.S 13.08.21 ~
Alexa Mar 2021
You say that you are always there for me.
Then why do I still feel like I’m lost at sea?
I’m so tired of always feeling alone.
Having to fend for me, myself, and on my own.
I see you on our calls but your concentration never stays.
and I miss the times your mind wouldn’t slip away.
What are you thinking about? leaving me all by myself.
These days I’m scared it’s about someone else.
~ A.S 04.02.21 ~
Alexa Feb 2021
You deleted your Spotify playlist with songs about me
And I can’t understand just how you moved on so quickly
Because I was going to fall asleep in your sweatshirt
Now I’m the one who ended up with my heart hurt
I hate to admit the damage you caused
Because I know this is all my fault
And I know I will love you for centuries
But now we’re just strangers with memories
~ A.S 04.02.21 ~
Alexa Sep 2021
Every year about 800 000 people lose the constant war they have with themself. A stranger to you, someone who meant nothing, but that someone once was somebody else's everything.

Our mental illnesses and disorders have been so overly glorified and romanticized in today’s media, music, and social media. It has become desirable and trendy, and it’s making me sick.
Our problems weren’t discovered, closely studied, monitored, and used to give us an answer to the questions why, when, and how, just for some teens to use it as a way to evoke shame and make fun of someone.
There are over 171, 476 words used in the English language, 10,000 adjectives, 2,123 adverbs, 46 conjunctions, 77 interjections, 17,450 nouns, 26 particles, 39 prepositions, 17 pronouns, and 5,986 verbs. I bet there are a bunch of other adjectives to call your friend when they “go crazy”.
So please stop using our chemical imbalances and the result of years of traumas because you need to feel unique.

No, we aren’t okay with you using our pain and struggles as a way for you to feel edgy and special.
“I Am NoT lIkE oThEr GiRlS” No, you are lying to yourself and
others by faking and exaggerating your anxiety and your depression because it’s “SO ROMANTIC WHEN A BOY SAVES YOU”.

But truth be told;
Kissing your partner's scars isn’t adorable.
Saving someone from a suicide attempt doesn’t make you a brave hero.
Anxiety disorders don’t transform you into a poor struggling soul needing someone to save you.
Depression never turned me into a misunderstood beautiful flower, someone who’s fragile and needs protection.
Bipolar disorder is so extremely much more than “just mood swings”;
When I have a manic episode it doesn’t mean I am suddenly super productive.
Dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is not “so cool or so crazy” it’s best explained as living in an unpredictable nightmare, but you can not wake up.
Being paranoid is not cool, you are in a constant fight or flight mode, and you are thinking something bad will happen any second.
Having Anorexia is not the same thing as just skipping breakfast one morning.
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is not a “gift or superpower” you suddenly wanted to give to yourself with no right to do so.
Having social anxiety is not quirky, it’s debilitating.
Succeeding or failing a Suicide attempt won’t make all of your bullies suddenly stop being bullies and make them feel guilty.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is not the same as liking it when things are organized.
Bulimia is not a diagnosis you should aspire to get, you won’t turn into a beautiful thin person, you will turn into a dying mentally unstable wreck.
Being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) doesn’t equal not knowing how to make friends and enjoying being alone.
No, You don’t have Tourette Syndrome (TS), I have never heard of a TS type where you only have trouble with “vocal tics” when someone is not doing what you ask them to. You simply just lack manners and have no idea how to read a room, your parents failed to turn you into a decent human being and you just don’t feel like working on it.
Insomnia is a lot more than staying up 1 out of 7 days a week because you “did not feel tired and was too bored to stay in bed”.
Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD) is not ******* easy to live with and doesn’t mean you are weak.
My daddy issues are not **** or make me a freak in bed.                          
Schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders are not “Only hearing and seeing things”.
Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) doesn’t mean someone is coldhearted and evil.
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is not the same as having different personalities with different friend groups.
Addicts are not weak, dumb, or “only have themself to blame.”
Being burned out doesn’t equal you thinking school or work is boring.

To even get evaluated we often have to fight for years until we find a psychiatrist who takes us seriously. Some of us find ourselves dumbfounded by the answers to the questions we have had to deal with for years and stuff we thought everyone dealt with.
Others are not that lucky and have to do most of the work themself, they find out what is wrong after thoroughly reading every article on PubMed, MedScape, and WebMD they can find. Because, honestly, psychiatrists do **** sometimes.

Society has been fetishizing our mental illnesses and disorders for way too long.
You see my crazy as **** and desired until my crazy pops up out of thin air and ends with wounds, blood, traumas, antipsychotics, and paramedics.
We get belittled, invalidated, and have our symptoms dulled down because people get off to them.
I am not your manic pixie dream girl or your Harley Quinn.
If the “type” of people you get attracted to is mentally unstable girls with daddy issues, a chemical imbalance, and a lack of impulse control, you are a part of the problem.

Also, Meghan Markle won’t see the embarrassing Facebook posts you write about how you don't believe she was “really suicidal and only wanted attention”, but your suicidal friends will.

You know who’s not laughing at your jokes about how people who died or were lucky enough to survive their suicide attempt are weak and how they “took the easy way out”? Your best friend who’s barely holding on, or maybe it’s your little sister tempted by the bottle of pills in her hand, or maybe, just maybe, it’s your lover who locked themself in the bathroom and is currently gasping for air on the cold tile floor because they would rather go through their panic attack completely alone than having to ask for your help. Is your joke still funny?

We are asked: “have you ever considered how your mental illness makes ME feel? How much you are hurting me?
And yes we have. We worry about that every single day of our life. And every single hour we spend awake we are overwhelmed with the feeling that our loved ones would be so much better off if we just died, but thank you, from the bottom of our hearts for your contribution. There is nothing we love more than being reminded of how much of a burden we are.

I swear we aren’t monsters. The friends I have who are dealing with mental illnesses are some of the kindest, most selfless, and caring people I have ever had the fortune to meet. We have nothing in common except for our serotonin deficiency and we bond through our traumas.
We try our hardest to heal other broken people because we know what rock bottom feels like.
We calm them down and distract them from the breathtaking panic attacks and overpowering suicidal thoughts visiting them at 3 am, because we all know way too well how easy it is to slip in and out of your head, and how it feels to lose touch with reality.
We stay up throughout the night to keep each other safe and breathing because deep down we are all just a bunch of suicidal kids telling other suicidal kids that suicide isn’t the answer.
We check-in and remind each other to eat, take our meds and stay hydrated.
We repeatedly prove the voices in our friends' heads wrong, while we listen blindly to our own demons believing every cruel and damaging lie they feed us.
We are lost kids looking for someone to call our own and somewhere to call home.
We were all raised being told by either our mom or dad or some other adult to not talk to strangers online, because they are dangerous, and they would ruin our lives.
But my mom and dad couldn’t have been more wrong, because when I met strangers online, I didn’t find danger, I found a family.
I have felt love stronger than anything you will ever experience in your life.
We love like we have nothing to lose because we truly have nothing to lose.
We have each other’s backs and we proved that family doesn’t have to be blood.
I am forever grateful towards the ones who stuck around, and to the new ones that life brought to me. The ones who have seen me relapse probably a thousand times but never lost hope, and the ones who were never meant to stay forever. I will always have you back.

What I am trying to tell you with all of this is that we are all fighting for dear life to survive, some of us are so close to falling off the deep end all they need is one small event to tip over, and then we have those who lost their battle, who are gone but never forgotten, taken from us along the road to the place we are today, those the sickness quickly and carelessly took from us, and at the same time robbed the world of the most beautiful people we have ever met.
The world wasn’t ready for you yet,
Alexa
Alexa Aug 2020
When I was young I was scared of being in bed
The monsters below me, they wanted me dead
But as time went on and I got old
I realized the lies in the stories they told
So I am no longer scared of those under my bed
Because the scariest ones are the ones in my head
~ A.S 10.05.20 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
I don't just Love music, It's the only reason I have survived
I eat, sleep and breathe music, It keeps me alive
If you ask me, there's like a 99% chance I'm listening to it
I'm even listening to music while writing this ****
If I have to choose between music and you
It was nice knowing you, my dude
~ A.S 08.05.20 ~
Alexa Feb 2023
There’s no way of knowing if we are meant to be but I just need you to know I’m yours forever.
I just know I’ve never loved anyone like this before, no one has ever understood me better.
You see me in a way no one has even tried to do in the 19 years I’ve been alive.
You keep me feeling sane and happy, and you just want to see me thrive.
I got out of a toxic relationship and I was expecting to get hurt and to be crying.
But you showed me a reason to keep fighting and a reason to keep trying.
I’m not the same as I was before and that is thanks to all the things you helped me do.
And I can barely wait to stick around and spend our happier ever after with you.
~ A.S. 25.08.21 ~
Alexa Nov 2018
Oh, love,
Look at that face
Looks like you are sent from above
I suddenly saw all those stars in space
Oh dear let me in
Where have you been
Never believed in angels until I saw your eyes
I only want you, not any of them other guys
To you, I'll be loyal
Baby I know we’ll never be royal
Diamonds and rubies are not our things
Baby let’s keep it simple, put on that ring
But together we’re worth more than gold
Close your eyes, the world outside is cold
People talk, try to destroy
But we got something that they don't have
My lover boy
Alexa Aug 2020
I’m sorry I’m so needy, you don’t have a clue
I’m sorry how I always seem to need you
I'm sorry for how tired I always look, I haven’t been sleeping well
I’ve been staying awake thinking about how I ended up in hell
I’m sorry that for my apologies and when your not mad I get confused
I’m so used to that me speaking my mind leads to being abused
I can’t explain the tear stains in my secret poetry book, but you can still read them if you’d like to
I’ve never before met a person quite like you
I can drink coffee with you and talk about how we don’t fit in here
I can even endure watching that movie about Shakespeare
My life isn’t the best right now, but I’m trying my best and I hope you can see that
We can talk about how I want a dog but you prefer a cat
I can tell you what I know about psychology
If you pinky swear you’ll tell me what you learned in criminology
You should see my reaction when I see a dog or a baby
And I’ll let you listen to my favorite songs by Slim Shady
I don’t know how to do anything right and have a hard time coping
So please don’t go, I know I’m broken
~A.S 07.05.20 ~
Alexa Mar 2021
Poetry and Nicotine
Dull eyes on Amphetamine
Cold hands and colder heart
Build me up, I’ll fall apart
~ A.S 14.02.21 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
There are a few things I have by my bed at night except for a nightlight
Benzodiazepines, amphetamines, antidepressants, and a crafting knife
It might sound a bit ****** up, but sweetheart, that’s the story of my life
To stay alive I sold my soul and paid a high price
~ A.S 02.05.20 ~
Alexa Aug 2020
I’ve probably seen stuff that’d make any grown person freak out, or at least have nightmares.
I have seen people die, I’ve seen over 1000 videos and I don’t remember half of them, they didn’t leave a mark. You name it, I’ve seen it. It’s been;
Decapitation, headshots, crushed under caterpillars, hanging, drowning, burning alive, getting skinned alive, hit by a train, brain matter splattered on the ground, the trembling hands of the man who’s unable to feel his legs not knowing they aren’t attached to him anymore and the panic in his eyes as they put him in the body bag alive.
I’ve heard screams of a fear, I’ve heard pleading for mercy, I’ve heard the silent gurgle of a man's last desperate breath of air after his throat was cut.
A scream of pure agony from a father who just witnessed his son’s ******, the oddly comforting sound the body makes when it hits the ground after falling from the roof. I like watching them, I guess I have some morbid fascination with death.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d never hurt someone, that’s not what I'm saying, or maybe I could.
They just don’t affect me like they probably should, I’ve grown numb to the one thing designed to scare us; death.
12 May 2020
Alexa Jul 2021
I’ve been told since day one “what you’re doing will leave permanent damage.”
But, I’m stuck neck deep into an addiction I’ve tried but can’t manage.
I know my will to live is tough, but my cravings are tougher.
They say; “the brain needs 8 hours of sleep every night to recover.”
But, I’m up binging for days in a row saying “**** it” while overdosing.
I lit another cigarette, nothing hit like being high and chain smoking.
I lose all of my self-control and I take more until I think I'm dying.
Until I’m sick and shivering and there is no point denying.
That I’m delusional and paranoid. It won’t take too long until I'm hallucinating.
Until I can't recognize myself or the world, and I get stuck dissociating.
I stand in front of the bathroom mirror, I meet her eyes and I freeze.
Her skin is gray, with tired eyes. She crumbles and her breathing cease.
Stuck inside a body she can't beat, wanting to get free.
My eyes tear up and my heart stops when I realize she is me.
~A.S 08.07.21 ~
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