His voice
His touch
His stare

Today was similar to the dream that left me restless the night before
Hazily, I contested to relive the memory of today
****
But in a blink of a eye, the joker oscillated into a magician
Gone he now is

Realization struck me today
We were two bodies so close, and ironically so unbelievably far away
Alone is how we were  
Together was how stood

The dream that laid on my pillow was simple and unusual
It led me begging for answers, while sinking in questions
My dream resembled today

Throughout the day my thoughts were filled with clutter,
I also noticed that today felt colder than the usual
I caught myself in constant shivers
It was cold enough for more than a few cups of coffee—black

I discovered that my restless nights unusually did not provoke overwhelming tiredness
which usually would occur

Today was odd and translucent almost
deja vu
The sky found itself in a neutral balance between black and white
Yet, the moment I saw him
The moment he walked towards me
I found instant warmth
His smile reminded me of everything I cherished to forget
Together was how we stood
Alone is how we were

We found ourselves in the pit of our silent and speechless misery
Sometimes I think we let the music speak before we actually did
Through the chorus of profound lyrics
Or through marvelous transitions in melody
We felt,
We understood it
As always we found ourselves spending the day together in reality,
While desperately alone in spirit

Billiards and juke music— That was our favorite way to spend the day
I would be stripes and he would be solids— It was always the same

Vividly, I can recall it all

I could hear his voice as he mumbled along to my favorite song
—clear, soft and a bit raspy, just like guitar strings being strung

I could feel his touch hesitate as he helped guide my hands onto the cue stick

I could feel his stare
— deep, compassionate, and puzzled
He was always left puzzle while around me— I knew it all too well
His eyes spoke, while his voice stayed silent
—As did mine
peaceful
It was my turn now
The music still played
And our voices still silence

Confidently I grasped on to my cue stick just as the way he showed me
And I aimed toward the number 5 ball for a shot in the left pocket
Clear as day
I called it
The shot was lined along perfectly, it was simple
More momentum then ever my cue stick released an astonished speed onto my cue ball
But in a blink of an eye and through livid calculation, I scratched
Baffled, confused and astonished just like the speed that was released onto my ball
We stared at one another in mindless contact— like always
The music still played
But voices weren’t silent— they filled the room with laughter

In that moment realization struck me
Through irony my restless nights had become restless because I was too busy dreaming
Awake, aware and alone

Today had a mist of nostalgia floating in the air
It left me tired and restless
But in the blink of an eye, it all so quickly disappeared

For hours, I tried to sleep.
The rain drums down on the tin roof;
the demons are knocking.
I see their tears stream down the window;
a cleverly designed artifice to distract
from their true intent.
I ignore their subtle attacks, but they always
find a way back in.
I watch their shadows drift in through
the windows;
morphing from one shape into another,
hovering around me,
their whispered breaths cloud the air –
there is barely a space unfilled by their presence.
I can’t seem to chase them away, and I’m
wrapped up into their world.
Empty, cold and alone,
my reality remains stranger than any dream.

© Sia Jane

The clouds covered the east side of the sky in irony.....


---- sorry.

Too quiet or too loud.
    Too aware of my surroundings or too far into        
    my own head.
Too social or too isolated.
    Too distracted or too focused.
Too anxious or too emotionless.
    Too awake or too tired.
Too giving or too selfish.
    Too many thoughts to speak or too little to
    form a sentence.
Too easygoing or too manipulative.


             Too much. Too much. Too much.