What are you doing
back in front of me
With shards of glass in your chest -
You wait for me to pull them out,
And tell you that you’ll be okay,
But I don’t know that I can still help you
If all you’ll do is push me away.

I miss kisses.
I miss the gentle meld of our body heat,
Soft sighs in the dark.
I miss late whispers
and hugs that make me forget.
I miss the laughs,
And casual word trade.
I miss your presence,
never an empty space.
I miss kissing you,
and forgetting everything else.

The tide has come,
Stained with blood,
Filling my lungs
With fear.
I’ve stopped swimming,
And now I float -
I can taste rust
In the water’s murky flavor.
My arm stings,
Yet I still want more,
The blade gleams at me
From the sea floor.
I wish I could cry,
But the ocean takes
My tears away
So that I only drown faster.

Everything hurts, but
I have no bruises,
no leaking wounds.
The torment
lies
inside,
a persistent infection.
It grew bored
of letting me hide,
and the tide has dragged me
so
far
down.
I almost feel like
this time,
I might really drown.

I’m ok for now
But I can’t stop fearing the worst
Can’t stop watching the horizon
For the crushing wave -
This is too good,
And I know that it’ll end eventually.

If I could relive a moment of my life, I would pick a Tuesday
in my senior year of high school.
I would hug all my friends,
and walk through the halls with confidence,
and give my boyfriend a good long kiss.
After school, during fencing,
I would treasure a moment
with a friend now gone,
and when I got home,
I would help cook dinner
and give my parents a hug.

I would call all my grandparents,
and actually do my homework,
and cuddle with my cat,
and just enjoy being
17 again,
before everything changed forever.

So this is what finally tips
the saltwater bucket,
sends the rivers down my cheeks-
Home cannot be home without you here,
and I wish you didn’t have to go.