If I could relive a moment of my life, I would pick a Tuesday
in my senior year of high school.
I would hug all my friends,
and walk through the halls with confidence,
and give my boyfriend a good long kiss.
After school, during fencing,
I would treasure a moment
with a friend now gone,
and when I got home,
I would help cook dinner
and give my parents a hug.

I would call all my grandparents,
and actually do my homework,
and cuddle with my cat,
and just enjoy being
17 again,
before everything changed forever.

So this is what finally tips
the saltwater bucket,
sends the rivers down my cheeks-
Home cannot be home without you here,
and I wish you didn’t have to go.

My existence flickers,
but only in my own mind-
I seem to be forgetting reality,
and the memories I've captured
are finding ways to escape the jar.
I chase them through the dew-speckled fields,
but they deceive me every time.

And sometimes I stop,
and fling myself to the ground -
roll to face the stars,
and nearly drown in my own tears,
and ask

"Why?"

The excited shout of a “Happy birthday!”
is my reminder that someone still thinks about me.

I’m watching that first big wave looming closer and closer.

A single tear slips down my face.

It’s coming.

I feel the cold waves lapping at my feet,
whispering dark words in the night -
The waves are slowly rising to drown my soul again.
The cold will leave me numb,
and the drowning will leave my lungs on fire.
It won’t be long before I’m sinking again.