You know what's weird about having suicidal thoughts as a kid, is that I don't really remember a "before". Since I was eight I've thought I was a waste of space and everyone's life would be better  without me in it.

That's ten years and I can't think how life would be if I actually enjoyed being here. If the slightest stress or inconvenience didn't get me thinking of different ways to off myself.

Sometimes I think i won't feel this way if I could just get out of this house this state maybe if I left this all my suicidal thoughts would stay behind. And that's when I begin to feel trapped. In this room, in this house and I need air.

The walls are surrounding me, closing in and I need to escape. So I escape into music and self medication, but eventually the ***** and **** wears off and the music dies down and I am back between these four walls gasping for air.

Struggling to take a breath I reach out my hand hoping for someone to be there to grab my hand and pull me back from the brink but all I feel is empty space I need no reminders that I am alone.

On the edge I stand between the end and tomorrow occasionally a gust of wind comes causing my to teeter closer to the end, but sometimes I find a string unintentionally left behind that I use to pull myself up but always in-between.

I am never here nor there nor this nor that. But forever in-between

Shh, did you hear that?
That taunting voice,
it plagues me constantly
singing its cruel song.
Shh, listen I can hear it now....

Second place,
Runner up,
you'll never be good enough.
<stop>
Loser,
Whatever,
Just disappear forever.
<no>
You aren't liked,
You aren't loved,
Why don't you. Just. Give. Up.
<shut up>
You're nothing,
a no one,
and you're never going to be one
<leave me alone>
Poor little baby,
are you going to cry?
Why don't you go and die
<please just go>
Aww poor little baby
can you not take it anymore?
Ugh, that's why being with you is such a chore.
<please >
They don't really like you
can't you see?
They're all going to leave you eventually
<no you're wrong>
They're only being nice
that's what it is,
and you know soon it will end.
<just shut up>
You will never be first,
or second or third,
because you are a waste of space that calls itself a person.
<...>
A waste of space
no one can truly stand,
just an unwanted backup plan.
Unwanted, unloved
stupid waste of space.
It would be better for everyone if you disappeared without a trace.
<...>
You know it as well as I,
it would be better for everyone if you'd just die.
<no, no, no. shut up. shut UP. SHUT UP.>
<why do you torture me every night and every day?
why won't you leave me alone, no matter what i say?
i wish you'd leave me alone and let me be.
for all i wish for is to be free,
from you and your taunting,
you're torturing me.
all I want is for you to leave.>
I can't leave, and that is the truth,
because who I am is, well, I'm you.

You walk by
I wave hi
you blink and turn
and I'm left burned.

It's been a few weeks
yet we still do not speak
please don't keep me alone
you make me feel so cold.