its like I think of you
and your here with me,
right beside me
again,
you passed when I was so young ,
yet looking back
I think you were the only one
who truly gave me love ,
for that I am so grateful ,
you made the darkest childhood and life
a bit brighter ,
you showed me that you can be spiritual without religion
you showed me art
you showed me crystals
you showed me hugs
you paid for my sewing class
I cry for you so often
these days ,
I miss you so much
I look at your picture everyday ,
I hope your in a better place in heaven
for I know you suffered so much in this life,
I hope you are proud of me,
I wish I could tattoo you in my heart
you were more of a mother to me
than my mother ever was
you were so beautiful
I miss you so much my Babi.

I think its a longing
to be safe
like I am swimming in the ocean,
and I feel safe and calm
the way I feel with animals
I think that's the way I want to feel with myself
for we always chase what we long to feel within
and its never ending
maybe its the longing to feel at home with my face with my body
the other day I actually looked in the mirror and felt content with myself
and my percieved flaws ,
I felt so happy with who I am
and who I am becoming
maybe its learning to be our own cheerleader
that when our inner child is crying out in pain
and is gasping for life
we can tell her
baby we love you
it will all be okay .
and we learn how to stand up for ourselves
once and for all
I always wanted to be saved by others
now I am learning how to save myself
and how to be my own savior.

last night in my dreams
Last night
I saw you
the memories that I tried to push away
of 2 years  ago
when I was so happy and excited to wear my first ever bikini
for I had spent so much of my life religious
where I thought I had met the cutest israeli guy
who I thought was so handsome and sweet
but how sweet
torture can taste
when we think torture is love
we went to the beach
you watched me and tried to **** me while the beach was filled with people
and I didn't realize it
I guess I didn't realize it
because it had happened so often beforehand
of me being abused by men
that it just doesn't hit you
or hurt you the same anymore
I guess some people can ask
why do you write such dark poetry
because this was my life
its not just poetry
i have lived this life for so so long
and I could never scream
I was always so silent
stuck in a never ending muffled scream
from the time I was a child and my father would hurt me
and my mother would laugh at me
and I learnt that my voice doesn't matter anymore
so why would it matter if i scream
noone would hear me anyways
now I am working on
making myself heard
even if it means being alone
so in the past couple of months
I have stopped dating men
stopped having toxic friends
and cut off everyone in my family
for they all bullied me
I want to give hope to maybe even just one person
that no matter if you come from a family and a life
like mien
where the abuse is so intense
it breaths like cuts that run so deep
like shards through your chest
that you think are life giving
so you run back wanting more
where you think ****** assaults
and **** is love
where you think objectifation
and patriarchy is love
no it is not!

To all the men and women who tortured me
and laughed at my screams
one day you will see me
and I will make my comeback
this is the only thing that keeps me going
most of the time is learning to hear my own cries
its learning to  hug myself alone in my room
because right now no one else will
its writing all the time
for it gives me life
its grieveing
a past so painful
that I just feel like
I can't breathe most of the time
its carrying the deepest and saddest pain inside of me
that I can create so much art from it.
for art is created from pain.

I wish I could tell you
when you looked at me with eyes of pity
to not pity me,
because I've been through so much ,
and I don't want pity
I wish I could share with the people in the room,
my stories,
the stories that I leave out
the stories
of mourning
the stories of grieveing
the stories
of how I lift myself up each day
some days its harder
and some days its a bit easier
how I cry almost every day
how much I mourn a family that I never truly had
how much I wish I could go back to all the toxic people
that I left
for I am so lonely and longing for love and connection
but I don't because I value myself
more
how much I dissacociate each day
how much the hunger inside of me
aches and consumes,
trying to be dulled by addictions,
aches to be seen loved touched valued
seen
to be complimented on something  other than just how I look,
to be cuddled,
without being sexualized
how deep my feelings are
how much I want friends
even just one
how much I wish I had the money
to travel
to sit at beautiful restruants,
and to pertend I live a different life
but instead I sit and I do my best
to not overshare or trauma dump
and to laugh off the things that hurt me
the things that have made me so bitter and cynical
instead I am always wishing hoping
and working towards a better life for myself
for I don't know any other way .
How much I yearn to sit with a mother
that I truly love
that is truly kind to me
that I know would do anything for me
how much I yearn for a father
that i know that could support me
that If I would call on the phone and cry to him
that he would do anything to help me
that would hold my hand and keep me safe
how much I long for to have a sister a brother
that  would be my best friend in the world
that would  respect me and care about me
and my pain
but instead I have no one
I am not looking for pity
I am looking for understanding
for a longing
of peace
that I don't have to spend another night crying,
in my bed all alone,
in a foreign country
all alone,
each time I sleep
I remember more trauma
that I forgot
of the men who hurt me in public,
and no one cared
or even asked me If I was okay .
so when people ask me
why do you have such a negetive view on life,
because I have met such horrible people
but still I am trying ,
constantly trying,
today I went out,
spoke with some people,
smiled instead of cried,
and tried to cloak my words with laughter and hopefulness
so they wouldn't see the tears that hide behind my eyes
that cry all the time.

Growth is not pretty it's fking hard.
It's picking yourself up over and over again ,sometimes only getting up and living because of your strength and resilance,many times it's being incredibly lonely, for choosing yourself can be ,it's cutting off everyone and everything that is toxic and abusive to you , it can be extremely hard esp coming from a home like mine ,were everything was extremely dysfunctional !
Growth is choosing kindness to yourself, learning how to treasure simple small moments, learning to  turn pain  it into meaning and gratitudr . Growth is sometimes breathing and holding on one moment by moment . It's exploring your dreams, the depth of your concious ,its facing your demons ,the things that terrify you, it's learning that once we see more of ourselves for who we truly are , we can learn more of who we are and live with less shame.
Growth is not looking like a perfect Instagram model buying crystals and pretending to be perfect ,it's knowing that yes I have flaws and that's okay I am a human being we are not meant to be dolls or just consumers !
Growth is looking at the shackles of society and choosing different .Its seeing the suffering of your family bec of their chains and learning to choose differently for you . So whoever wants to romanticize this ,is really bllshtting you . Spirituality aint about rainbows and flowers it's mostly about awareness and choice.

To the girl I met a few years back
you changed my mindset so much
Growing up a religious zionist
I was brainwashed
to believe that people
like you
palestinainas
were bad
***** criminals and terrorists
you showed me
that you are a normal human being
who has been oppressed
in different and similar ways to me
it also showed me that loving women
exists in people of all different cultures
you were my first kiss in a gay bar in jerusalem
two people from two different homophic backgrounds
found a beautiful moment to cherish .
I loved to watch you on stage and sing your heart away
and talk about real life
I loved your red hair and your beautiful eyes
and the way you spoke hebrew and arabic.

To the other  arabic women who saved my life
the day after I was beaten by a jewish man ,
I never knew that kindness can come from the people
that I was taught to hate the most
so when people ask me
why am I so anti religion
its because religion preaches hatred
against people for no reason.

And I say the best way to know your views on life
is to experience them for yourself
I have lived among all different kinds of religous people
jewish people palestinians arabs asians etc...
it showed me what to truly think
that  harm is done on both ends
real truth is usually  found in the greys of life
and that love romance
and beautiful moments
can truly exist with people
that seem very different than you
but really we are all the same at heart
I have dated black people white people
Arabic people etc...
I think that the world needs to stop classifying people
so much
based on meaningless things
and start to judge people
by the kindness in their hearts
life here in Israel has taught me so much
more than so many other things in life
and the truth is truth is complex and not black or white
and most of the time when you call people out  on it
they don't want to take responsibility
so they try to gaslight you
but really people show you by their actions
how they truly feel about themselves.