Its like the pain is muffled inside of me
urging to escape
to be fully me
a lover of human beings
masculine edgy
feminine but strong
a savior for the voiceless
a fairy child
a animal whisperer
I feel trapped by my own pain
by the voices in my head of those who bullied me
still keeping me small
of the internalized homophobia
and self hatred
of the yearning to believe still
that the good men exist
and I have just yet to meet more of them
that what I dream of is truly possible for me
and for that reason I keep on living
so many have told me I am so brave
I think I wanna stop being so brave
and start being happier.

I feel like so passively sucicidal so often
that feeling hard emotions
just makes me wanna feel like
I wanna off myself all the time
its so hard to deal with
because the other side of me
wants to live so beautifully
but feels so paralyzed too
and just so afraid that
the change just won't occur
I just feel so scared and afraid all the time
I don't understand the way the universe works
on one hand
I wanna hold on tight so much
to my life
and on the other hand I hate it so much
I think I hate life so much
because it feels dull
from joy
no friendships
toxic people around me still
no sense of adventure
and nothing fun going on
its like the last time I was happy for a full day
I don't think happened in the longest time
so I don't know what to say
I just wish I didn't feel this way
so often.

I just
I feel so angry
like I might just explode
my dreams have been so vivid lately
I just wish that I could have a nice real conversation
with a man
without him being disrespectful or being manipulative
is that so much to ask ??
Its like for so long I denied the reality of the world
because I only wanted to see the good in people
but now the more that i heal
the more that i see alot of the real ugliness of the world
and I wish I didn't have to see it
but because of my life experiences
I can't unsee it
I feel it is my duty
to speak out
publicly
against the violence done to young women especially
and the pain we face
yes it is so hard
and being a smart confident women
people try to tear you down sometimes
but I don't want to hide away anymore
I want to shine brightly
make a difference in the world
no matter how small
heal have a relationship that is worthy of me
and my presence
and have meaningful friendships
Is that so much to ask?
I know patience is a virtue
but it feels hard lately.

I stand alone in the crowd
Surrounded by couples and friends
Barely anyone speaks or notices me
It's like I don't really exist
Like I'm just not there
It has happened so much
You would wonder that I'm not used to it by now
One girl talks to me
And just laughs at everything I say
I'm trying to see it as maybe she was just awkward like me
But it's hard not to feel that she wasn't just laughing at me
I'm trying so hard to get over the shame
And rejection that I feel for myself
And I push myself to go outside
But it feels so so hard
And I kinda figure what's the point
But ik that I spend enough time alone
And in my house by myself
So I am trying
Another one makes a joke about me getting
Lost alone
I just don't understand
Why people are the way they are
I know I maybe don't know it all
But I just don't quite understand.

Feeling joy is in the small things
the way the wind brushes on my hair and skin
the way the beautiful sun beats down on my face
sparkling and sprinkling me with little freckles
all along my face and body
Feeling joy
is sitting in my garden
typing out poetry
vibin' to music
its coffee in the morning
its toast with cheese
its iced coffee
watching the waves on the beach
its walking to the beach every weekend
and seeing the blue sky
and the ocean melt into one
its the smell of summer on my lips
its feeling the water
and waves crash my body
its feeling free from religion
knowing I never have to experience that oppression again
its sipping ice cream spontaneously
its petting the cats and speaking to them
its hugging trees
its sitting in meditation
and feeling the peace come and calm my body and soul
its looking at my clean house
its learning to love my body for the first time in my life
loving my curves
starting to actually accept who i am
behind the silence of my walls
learning what it means to finally be me!

my whole life
I always dressed up
was obsessed with how i looked
and now today
I walked down the street
looking at myself
and I thought wow I'm pretty,
but why does it matter so much??

why does it matter if others are more or less
beautiful than I am?
I think
I was taught that my whole worth
was in how i looked
now I am starting to see
that there is so much more to me
than how I look
there is a  soul
a creative mind
a  flawed human being,
learning to dress in many ways
much simpler
with less of a rush and a fuss
is so healing.

I believe that spending so much time alone
while  it is very hard is very important ,
to learn that so much ,
of what we are taught is so important ,
is really very much not,
and the good thing is that people really don't care.

I am working on learning
that who I am is not dependent ,
on if he likes me
or if she wants me
but in the internal worth and love
and acceptence ,
that I carry within myself
and that it is so much easier,
to blame the world for our issues
and it doesn't mean that
others aren't at fault ,
but there are always two people at play here ,
I've realized the mistakes I have made in my life,
I am learning from them,
learning how to trust myself
I think this is the greatest gift of all.

I think
Love is the deepest core of who we are
The more I go on this deep deep journey
Of healing
Of sitting with just myself and my pain
And instead of hating it or wanting to wish it away
I try even for a few minutes a day
To ask it to talk to me
To tell me why it hurts
To feel into it ,
I see the deep dissociation
I have of longing
To be anything else but me
Is an escape mode
I see the depression
As trapped pain ,
I think I am learning to understand
To shift the way I view things
And the world
That when we come into our bodies
Our selves more
We learn we carry truth
We learn we are always connected
We learn that most things can be healed
And helped
If we give it time and love
I've realized that for so long
I was so Uncomftarble
In who I was
That I always wanted to change myself
Now makeup isn't wrong
But I think everything is persepctive
We give it
If we wear it because it's fun that's amazing
If we wear it to hide out true selves
And because of self hatred
Than for me it's something to look at
With love,
I feel so often
We like to throw labels at things
Without understanding
That a whole person is a whole world,
And that to be human is to be it all
And to be messy.
I wish women were granted more of this chance ,
Maybe I can show others
That you can be a woman
And be human
And that we don't need to be or look perfect
We can just be who we are
Human first.