Life is so weird
ain't it
I moved to israel
to leave my family and religion behind
but yet here i am faced with it all
probably to heal it all.
I live in an area with tonz of super religious jews
who remind me of the way that I was brought up and raised
remind me of how my dad still looks
and how my mother carries herself
but now I am on the other side
I am the one who the men look at it
and think wow she is not modest
she doesnt look jewish etc...
Now I look at the women wearing stockings and long skirts
and I feel their suffering
because I know how it felt for many many years of my life
to feel opressed while not knowing that I was
and was forced to dress "lady like"
to cover my legs and scorch in the heat
while I would judge wish and wander
what it would be like to dress like a women
like me now in the current day
ain't it weird how life teaches us
and shows us
ain't it weird how sometimes it may take many years
but we can accomplish the goals and wishes we had.
So each summer now that I get to wear shorts jeans
a bikini a short sleeve shirt a tank top
and to wear my curves with grace instead of shame
that is a win for me and my inner child
each time I get to eat what I want
and not have to keep the laws of the opressive religion that I was born into
is freedom to me
it is still taking time to heal those wounds
but many times I look back and I see how grateful I am
to not be religious and to live the life that I want
so I am
so very grateful.

my whole life
i spent searching for you
for a love that would save my life
for someone to save me
from myself
from my pain
from my sorrorw
now I realize the love has been there for me all along
the love within myself
I realized I was always waiting for someone else
to give me permission to allow me
to live the life that
I want to live
the only permission that I need is my own
and what I realized was
that my greatest fear came true
but not in a bad way
I was always so afraid of being all alone
without friends or family
and I am
and eventhough it is hard sometimes
it is not as scary as I thought
its actually a blessing
to learn who I am
to learn how to heal myself
how to start accepting myself
loving myself and listening to myself
and my wants and my needs first
before anyone else's
to learn to proritize myself
many people when they are dying say
I wish I would've listened to myself more
and lived the life of my own choosing
I think this should be the goal before anything else
for in this body
we only live once
so the more I listen
the more I see
that life can be so beautiful
in its simplicity
in the present moments
of  a slower life.

I saw you today,
the man I hooked up with at this time
last year
the one who I really liked
but who was too embrassed to show me off,
the one who only cared about me for my body
but not for my soul
not for who I was,
the one who didn't respect me or my boundaries
I saw you today ,
and I felt stronger
than you
I saw you the real you ,
the one who is insecure
the one who doesn't know how to love or care about me,
If I could tell myself last year
I would say
judge people by how they treat you
and he doesn't deserve you at all.
So today you saw me
dressed up **** and beautifully
just so you could see
that now I am more powerful
I am stronger and I don't let men like you
take me down anymore or use me or shame me
today you stared at me
and I stared right back defiantely
knowing you can't take me down a peg anymore .
Promising to myself
I would rather be single
than settle for a shtty person like you .
That is strength
strength in choice.

I loved playing with dresses
wearing heels
and maybe that was the last time
that i felt that i could do so
that I could wear what I want and feel free
in that moment
because after that all I remember
is wanting to be everything  but myself
because nothing ever felt safe
to always be met with laughter and torture
whenever I would be my lovely feminine self
so I carried the wound of what some would say is gender dysphoria
but also just wanting to be anything that wasn't me
pertending I was my friend inside  ,  or an animal or a chair
just so I couldn't feel
the depth of painful rejection,
just so I could be free
now lately these feelings are here,
because I haven't felt safe
instead of pushing the feelings away
and listening to everyone else
I Am starting to listen
to the little voice
who says she wants to be free to be herself
to be powerful
to be strong
to be a girl
who loves dresses and is strong
for being that way
not weak
to love who I am
and to learn to embrace that
and to realize
there was never anything wrong with me
I was just brought into the world into a place with people
who could never love me
or appreciate my light
now I am choosing different
for my inner child and for myself.
Now is the time to choose power
to choose strength.
But most of all to choose love
to choose to love all of me
and that I never needed to long to be someone that I am not.
I alone have the power to change my life
and to save myself in the end.

went out today
worked on really not oversharing
it feels really hard to mask
but what can I do
I live in a world with certein social rules
although I may not understand them
I am really trying hard to
and that's all that I can do.
I saw the girls that I know sitting on the side
so I ask them how they are and try to make conversation
and they just don't really care.
I wish I didn't care
and sometimes I wish I couldn't feel energies
its intense.

my own brother sexualized me,
its hard to feel love for myself
or to even look in the mirror
when i feel like i carry my scars all over
of all the horror everywhere.

I struggle so much
with the memories
and so much repressed anger
Its like im always screaming inside
and shaking from  insane terror

naseu confusion
drinking wine to numb the lonlieness
crying myself to sleep
with my lonlieness
the memories haunt my mind
feel triggered from it all
feel trapped in my mind in my body
but I just wanna be free.