I remember this
time I was walking
down a hallway during
my schooldays
and fumbling with
what was currency
among students
--chewing gum
and I had paid
a dollar fifty
for this pack of cinnamon
gum
so when a person
with whom I’d spoken
twice
came up to me and said
“yo, zach, gimme some
of that gum”
I said
“Hell no.”
and he asked why.
“Because I don’t like you!”
and the collective shouts
of ooh’s and ****’s
made me feel as though
I had done something
both great and bad
and the reality was I didn’t mind
the guy at all I just didn’t want
to continue having the discussion
but I wondered if I hurt his feelings
and if the cinnamon gum was worth
the endless re-tellings of me being rude
to a perfect stranger
and a little part of my
soul crumbled that day
all cinnamon and fresh

Sometimes I sit
hunched
over a pile of
broken glass
trying to glue the pieces
together to make something
that makes sense
but the pieces are all
different every time I
look at them
sizes, shapes and colors
all in flux
like beach sand
under a microscope
and some are circles
worn by this ceaseless sand
and some are jagged
and freshly broken
and look
you can see
a little blood
on this one here
and it’s not my blood
--this time.
Not that it matters
anyway because
I pick through this glass
and get cut
again
and again
and again
until my fingers are
shreds
and can’t grip
anything
and my blood makes
the glass all the same color
and when it dries
the coagulation
of my failure
holds together this ball of
endless translucent
torment
and I put it back into my chest
and zip up my ribs and
try to forget about the whole thing.

Until
it starts
to hurt
again.

Everything has
its purpose
including nothing
the space between
our fingers
allow us to grip
and to hold
more efficiently
and the spaces between
us
allow me to love you
more beautifully
and wholly
because I had to learn
how to make my love
caress you
hold you
and warm you
when I’m not there
and the stars
just like our moments
together
wouldn’t look so
beautiful
if it were not for the
spaces between them

Love burns you
--even when we
describe it as something
positive
a burning love
so to speak
we are still
describing destruction
although not all
destruction is bad
such as the destruction
of your flawed coping mechanisms
and the walls you build around
your vulnerability
after the last brush with love
melted your wings
and sent you plummeting
into the icy sea below
where the cold helped your
heart come together once
more and all that’s left
now is to destroy
the shell of your former self
with fire.

It’s the first day of
summer
and from here on out
the days get shorter so
we are racing against
the clock and the setting sun
to ensure that only the
very best of our memories
survive and the pain
gets lost in the impending
shadows of winter

I'm always looking for a thrill
That will fulfill
The echo humming silently within
I search for a bridge
That will bring together the chasm between my heart and my mind
It pains me to be so distant,
To feel nothing inside

And yet I started to feel something today,
Like a a sprout growing forth from barren soil
My fears birthed from years of endless toil
Were overcome by the power of Love
It cut my fears down to size
It opened up my eyes
It gutted me and had me on the floor crying
Thinking of absurdities, like dying
I felt so many things I haven't felt in so long
My heart was bursting forth with so much bittersweet love
My ego caved and my insecurites could not be saved
As the wave of Love ravaged my every notion
And suffocated my ego in the depths of the Ocean
Where I experienced profoundly God's undying devotion
His love is unconditional, limitless
In endless supply
How could I fathom this,
Being a little human, am I
But I took "I" away
And saw
We are all
Eternal brothers and sisters
Stuck in our internal wars
But God just wants to love us
And heal our our scars.

My eyes itch,
My throat burns
The coffee in the pots burnt
And my mugs cold

The TV's on in the backroom,
Someone's been skinned-
Stripped of all fleash-
Screaming,
Screaming,
Silence.

My computer screen stares back at me
And my eyes water at the light.
They try to close

My heart beats
Ba boom
Ba Boom
BA BOOM
Each thump hurts more and more

Typing, typing, typing

I love you

My mouth turns upright
And I feel my heart settle a bit

I love you too

Night

Night

Nicotine and coffee

I wiggle and scream
Much like the TV did
Only to wake to lonely silence

Shower and reheat the dark muddy drink
One quick cigarette
And

**Good morning my love,
       I've missed you.