i always imagined my first love, how i'll meet them, what i'd be doing. most of this i've just interpreted from reading books and what i see in movies. what can i say, i love all that cheesy romantic, "love at first sight", crap. i've never imagined what they'd look like because it can literally be anyone, i think that's both beautiful and nerve wrecking.

let me paint you the vision i've been visioning for a while, or at least one of the visions.

it's autumn or winter. i'm in a coffee shop. all you can hear and smell are normal coffee shop things. orders being made, names being called out for those orders, chatter, keys from laptop keyboards, and of course the smell of coffee dancing in the air. the smell under our noses and eventually, it sticks to the clothing i'm wearing.

i look up and there they are.

beautiful and completely ordinary. but not ordinary to me,
they're light and everything in between and out of this world.

absolute perfection.

a journey through the home i lived in and the family inside it.
dinner on the table,
me eating a whole bowl of strawberries and falling asleep to whatever cartoon that was on tv,
elementary school homework,
and helping my mother putting up halloween decorations outside and inside of our home.
i would fall asleep with a full stomach and a smile on my face as my heavy eyelids slowly closed with every leaving thought.
years went by and things that were done before were no longer.
this house turned into slammed doors and nights of me sitting on the stairs hearing  yells and the screaming.
waking up with puffy eyes and a puffy face only to feel absent and not entirely There as i wrote down notes at school.
there was still hope.
i would fall asleep with worry.
years came and went and by the time i knew it all i knew where pencil sharpener blades and how to make myself drown out the shaking house.
i lost myself in my sleep as i was tangled in my sheets,
trying to make myself forget with pills.
i could feel the world on my shoulders and i wanted to cut the string that was keeping me alive.

And thats when i realized
I was losing myself
That part of me
that edulged in sunlight rays
Late night reads and
lazy days
I kissed out of passion
never boredom
and prefer heartbreak
over loneliness
Life had a meaning
written in leather binded
journals and sparkly red ink
It was soft to the touch
and smelled of lemony
citrus
It did not make a sound
Yet it had a voice so beautiful
it made your mind
crash like tidal waves
against your skull
My mind now is nothing
but decay
what it once was seemed
to never exist
not a sign left behind
no emptiness
as if it had never been filled
The nothingness now something
and it was numbing to feel
That want to feel
literally anything
was now a desire to feel nothing
like an empty tv screen
buzzing alone 4:35 at night

sixteen,
one six,
that's how old you were when you left us.
you didn't get to walk the stage with us,
or propose to your high school sweetheart.
you were sixteen.

i'm sorry i can't be strong like you want me to be.
my limbs feel heavier than my heart lately and it's hard to look at my friends without wanting to cry.
i still try to stand tall but it's hard today.
the massive lump in my throat got larger when my teachers asked me if i was okay.
because in all honestly,
no, i'm not.  
please hug me and tell me it's okay to cry.
tell me these tears running down my face will eventually stop.
tell me i'm strong enough to make it for two more years.
just less than 730 days and i'll be free.
i'm sorry i broke down today.
you have no idea how badly i wanted to fall when i stood up.
or how badly i wanted to run away from all of this.
i needed someone there,
i needed someone to hold my hand and tell me it's okay.

sitting in my math, aching hand writing what ever the teacher was,
trying to catch and keep up.
"ok, now you guys do the next problem.",
i sat back and i blanked out.
i don't remember writing any of this,
i don't know what this means,
these numbers,
this page.
i forget where i am and who i am.
i try to ground myself but realize that i'm looking out the window for ten minutes.
i look down at my now shaking hands as the teacher goes over the question and moves on.
i look around,
my head turns and everything is in slow motion.
this can't be happening.
this is first period.
not even noon yet
and i realize i'm crying in my class.
my breathing gets heavier and i can't do anything.
i feel paralyzed and trapped inside my own mind.
i can't get out,
i can't help myself.
so i cry,
in class.
i cry silently then i leave.