I don't think anybody knows how stressed i am, how ******* tired i am, is it because i'm to good at hiding it or is that i'm so obviously stressed and tired that nobody wants to hear about it

I used to have a friend a best friend that understood and listened and helped me through my day, i guess i just got too annoying, i constantly burned all of my energy to stop them from ending their life with a dull razor blade i never really realized how much damage i was doing to myself until this year when a lot of things went wrong

Now i have a significant someone and I've been constantly thinking about how badly i want to press my lips to her, but this beast in my head just won't let me, everytime i put it to sleep it wakes up within a week ready to ruin everything again

I don't think people understand why i am who i am, im that one kid who always acts like an idiot the one kid who looks so perfect but is scarred on the inside from trying to escape himself, the kid who wears “edgy clothing” and nobody wants to talk to, the kid who apparently looks good but is to much of an outcast for anyone to like him, the kid who tries his hardest to better himself but no longer has the motivation, i'm the kid that relies on his girlfriend to get him up in the morning, to tell him to live for her, to never give up

I don't deserve to have someone like her im my life if anything she needs it more than me
She always tries to motivate me but i never listen cause my ego is to big to listen to someone else's thoughts, i wish i listened to her i wish i wasn't so ******* difficult

She doesn't deserve to deal with how needy and how ignorant i am i just want to be with her forever and never worry about if she's losing interest in me again, but this all comes around to what happened in my childhood that made me this way

Ever since i was 6 years old...6!  i was the really annoying kid who couldn't focus who couldn't learn unless it was in a certain way, the kid who was so annoying that almost every lunch he would sit alone and eat waiting for someone to come sit with him, the kid that only wanted to have a lot of friends but couldn't even talk to the other kids without being told to go away cause I was too annoying

Every day I'm smiling a fake smile because i'm actually trying to stop thinking about what she's doing at this moment, thinking about if she's okay,  if she made it home okay, thinking about if I'm good enough for her, if i said something i shouldn't have and made her angry

Sometimes I wish i could live a life without all of my problems and just enjoy being in the present and not the past i know a lot of people are just going to say that all of this is worth pushing through but if it's worth it then why does it stop me from getting anything done