whenever I try to write poetry, I have a tendency to make things more minuscule than they really are.

I don't let my true colors show in fear that someone may notice how I really am feeling.

Because I like to convince myself that I'm fine. I convince myself that I'm better than I was two years ago.

And maybe I am. Maybe this is as happy as I'm going to get. That is, if happiness means having anxiety attacks at parties or crying over the small flaws of my day.


Happiness might also be letting people use me and reject me. If that's what happiness is, then I'm over the moon.

Face the facts. I'm talking to you. And me. And everyone in between.

Broken.

Notice I didn't say "I'm broken." Or "you're broken." Or "we're broken."

That's because it's for you to decide. You have to be true to yourself.

Broken.

When I was little, I had a big fear of stages. I was afraid of falling off of them.

When I was little, I also had my first dance recital. That's the day I realized that the stage is my friend.

I got a little bit older, but I was still young enough to watch Disney channel. This was the era of movies filled with song and dance. My role model was Miley Cyrus, and she was the one who made me think, "I want to become an actress."

Fast forward a few years. Middle school. I had the lead role in all the school plays I was a part of. I had never done a musical. I admired them, but I didn't have the guts.

But, I had to keep in mind, "the stage is my friend."

And I realized that right away as I did my first ever musical when I was in 7th grade.

I've never smiled as big as I do when I see hundreds of faces all smiling and cheering for us performers. Never have I heard someone say, "musicals make me miserable."

The opening night of my first official musical in high school, I had a little girl come up to me, big smile on her face, asking me to sign her program.

I didn't get the chance to tell her it, but kid, if you happen to see this one day, just remember.

The stage is your friend.

I've never felt like I belong.

Whenever a sense of hope comes along that makes me feel accepted or befriended, it burns up, leaving behind the ashes for me to clean up. It leaves me wondering, "where did I go wrong?"

I'll sit on the couch at parties, hoping for that one person to notice the underdog and maybe try to make conversation. I expect people to bandage up my feelings, but these people I interact with, they aren't my nurses.

When people ask who my best friend is, I wonder if it'd be an acceptable answer if I said myself.

But I find myself at midnight, staring at the ceiling, mind full of regret, wondering, "what did I do to make these people shut me out?"

"Where did I go wrong?"

When I was nine years old, I didn't think that I'd be making a life changing desicion.

When I was nine years old, I didn't think I'd meet life changing people because of this life changing desicion.

When I was nine years old, I didn't think that three people could give me the strength to pull me out of rock bottom in years to come.

When I was nine years old, I didn't think that three people could make me who I am today.

I haven't even been there yet, but I know that my favorite location is in your arms.

Just thinking about being there, in your tight, warm imbrace, makes me smile.

Think about it, you're the sunshine peaking through my clouds. And I haven't even met you.

You are so full of positive vibes, and that's what I truly need right now.

Are you ever going to know how I feel when I think of you? No, because I can't put it into words.

So if I do one day get to tell you hello, I'll try my best to sum up for you how happy you make me.

Amazing, one person can impact millions of lives, including mine.

My birthday is in 33 days and I already know that when I blow out my candles I'm wishing for you.

It's 5 minutes past 11:11 but I'm still wishing for you.

I have no spare change right now, but the next time I pass a fountain you bet your bottom dollar I'll find whatever change I have, throw it in, and I'll be wishing for you.

I don't know whether or not those are shooting stars that I've been wishing on, but either way I'm still wishing for you.

There aren't any dandelions in bloom, but if there were, I'd blow all the seeds off and I'd be wishing for you.

Because that's all I can ask for. You.

I couldn't imagine life ending up like this.

Me sitting in bed, wishing that I had someone else breathing the same air as me in attempt to feel a little less lonely.

I couldn't imagine life ending up like this.

You giving me the cold shoulder. Well that shoulder is so cold that I'm shivering and ******* it you're about to start another ice age.

I couldn't imagine life ending up like this.

A teenager with my most prized possesion being the months that I've been clean, and my biggest flaw being the amount of friends I have lost in those months.
At least five, and at least five.

I couldn't imagine life ending up like this.

Me ending every conversation with "I'm sorry," in attempt to try and clean up the messes I've made.

I couldn't imagine life ending up like this.

The ghost of a little girl who was raised with the mindset of "everyone is kind in some way." But is that true?

I couldn't imagine life ending up like this.

But now, since this has become my life, I don't know any other.  And I'm scared.