Lee Jackman

Lee Jackman Oct 2020

I stare at the clock on my bedside table watching each minute pass by.

Clear your mind i keep telling myself, Clear your mind.

The red light from the alarm clock seems brighter tonight or maybe its just darker?

Seems like ever thought iv ever had is rushing at me all at once.

Im wondering if i will ever sleep again.

Another minute passes by.

I think of all the people i have ever upset, or times i wishing i had done or send something but didn't.

I think of the people i have lost, My Nan, My aunt and friend.

I have flash backs to the time i drove into a flood and the water flowing over the bonnet.

Another minute passes by.

I think about my aunts dog who was stolen from her garden 20 years ago. It must have been so scared. I hope it didnt get hurt.

I think about getting a drink but then decide it will wake me up more.

Another minute passes by.

I try to clear mind, count back from 100 i tell myself.

100, 99, 98, 97,

what color bin do i put out tomorrow?

96,95,94,

I must remember to check the tyres on my car.

93,92,91,

Another minute passes by.

Whats that noise, is there someone in the house?.

90,89,87

Maybe i should get up at check? Na it will be nothing.

78, 77 have i missed some numbers?

Another minute passes by.

Did i just dream that? Did i fall asleep?

When all i want to do is sleep the most ridiculous and random things come in to my head. This cant just happen to me?
Please excuse any spelling, Im dyslexic. I have not had the confidence to share any of my poems until very recently. So kind words please

#sleep #awake

Lee Jackman Oct 2020

Im not who you think i am

Some people call me lazy, They think im being daft.
They say i cant be bothered, that im sitting on my ***.
They say im being distant, Not picking up my phone and pretending not to hear them shout when walking out alone.

They say that i looked happy, like i didnt have a care, when i was dancing on the tables drinks spilling everywhere.
I find it all to easy to hide the way i feel, pretending im not lonely when there's people everywhere. I make myself the center hoping that they dont see, all of the anxiety thats been building up in me.

The problem i have is hard to see, its hidden in my personality, it pulls at my emotions, makes me want to flee i hope this poem helps you see.
It feeds on my fears makes me want to hide, they call it depression, now im trying not to cry.
Every days a struggle, everything i do is hard. Man i feel like such a ******.

So closing this poem the only way i know how is to thank all my loved ones all over the world. You've always been there even when im a prat or or needed to call just for a chat. I love you all dearly i hope you can see just how much you all mean to me.

This is the 1st poem i have ever shown anyone. Please excuse any spelling, Im dyslexic.

#depression #anxiety #lazy #struggling #cry #feelings

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