I remember now why I believed the lie...
Because in reality you forgot to care
And I became just another cloud in the sky.

If my depression, my inner demons were physical, then I could fight them                                                             ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­            If they were something standing right in front of me, instead of living in the darkest corners of my mind, slinking in the overpopulation of shadows                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                                    Then I could make them feel the pain they've put me through all these years.                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                  If only... it doesn't matter, we are together forevermore. Stuck with The Grey, stuck with myself

I hate this day for the pitiful meaning it stands for.
I'd rather be burned as a witch than have someone look at me with love in their eyes this day.
It is a day of bleak desolation
Nothing more.
All the anger and hate inside swells to twice its size leaving no trace of happiness and joy whatever that is.
Leave me alone, or face the demon.

Despair within me grows like a tree by the water.
Be okay on the outside
Because I am. I'm "okay" to the people
Nothing physical yet.
In fact nothing left.
I am alone in this cruel world.
I talk but no one listens.
And when they do, I get laughed at.
Depression? they say, your just sad right now, it will go away.
But it doesn't, lurking around every corner, creeping after me in my own body and mind.
So I don't speak. Not anymore
Expect nothing and feel no pain when the pain comes again.
Silence within me like a cancer grows.
Silence to meet silence

It's back again.
That feeling of hopelessness
Loneliness
Fear
Anxiety
To sum it up depression.
It comes, and it goes
But it's mostly here to stay
Finding a way in through the defenses I've built to keep everyone and everything out

Doritos in the trash
Unopened, untouched
Jealousy clutching her mind in it's icy grip
The door slams shut,
Words spoken of anger and pain yelled at him.
The rest of us hiding under the blankets,
Hiding from the jealousy and the Doritos in the trash.

When the rest of the cruel world has left me for dead
Down into the deep abyss will I go
They have made my bed to lie upon
But I will not dare to stoop so low
As to accept what They The People decide is correct
I will not accept your falsities
My life is already wrecked
Ruined by your "niceties"
But it is too late.
I will return from the trench
I do not accept my fate
To be beaten down by the world

Soft gray clouds wrap around me,
Embracing me like I've always dreamed
Brushing against my skin like a hundred butterfly kissed.

Whispers emanate from them,
Come with us, you won't have to hurt anyone anymore
Come, fly away and be free from the guilt holding you down

Looking back on all of the people whom I would leave,
A soft reminder comes in the form of a breeze,
     Remember your promises
Then fades away.

I can't leave. And not for them, for me.
Come again when my true time has come
Until then I'll learn to fly on my own.

The clouds drift away, turning darker as they go
The guilt of a thousand years falls away
Like manacles on an innocent prisoner

I may not fly with the clouds,
I might never fly,
But when I do
It will be an unburdened flight

Jeans.
The the pants worn by the hardworkers in life
The trademark of the strong-willed and country strife

Yet people look down upon those of us wearing jeans.
They're not for everyone, like me.
I'm not for everyone, but someone.

You are the gravity to my black hole
Without you, I'd spin out of control
You're the moon to my wolf
Without you, there would be no light in the dark
I need you in my life before I drown in my strife
The perfect Yin to my Yang
The perfect balance to keep me grounded

It's here.
All around you
Look and you'll see
It's infinite, our human brains can't understand it because of it's complexity.
The instruments we use vary widely
From burning our hair on soldering irons
To ripping it out when code doesn't work.
We are constantly trying to understand everything around us
Never lose that curiosity

I'm tired of pretending day after day,
     So lost in my lies I can't find my way...
It drains your energy, thinking you're okay
     When you can't get out of bed to face the day...
What happens when I believe the lie?
      That's the goal right?
To feel until you can feel no more.
     Born to die.
Life until death, chaos until calm.
     Restlessness until you can pace no more.
You want the real me? Here I am in all my disappointing failure.
     Welcome to life, pretend until it becomes your reality.

You pretend to be okay,
You put on a facquade
I know. I understand.
I do too.
We try so hard to pretend to be okay that occasionally we even feel okay.

You tell me to be strong
You tell me to hold on
Yet I lay here with nothing but my dog
I'd pour my heart out for you,
If only to tell you that you are loved
You are the perfect peace to my chaos
Thank you for never letting me be lost

They say I'm the Lost Child.
Hiding,
avoiding conflict
Perhaps that's true...
Maybe I am lost,
But what if I'm hiding from myself?

Without them what little is left of me would crumble
I brush my finger against the cold jagged stone, savoring the protection they provide.
I notice not for the first time the brick and mortar I have set,
Yet I'm not sure if I put them up to keep others out,
Or to keep me in.

Words float like lilypads on the pond
Sounds, like the unheard cries of the world
The images I draw portray the joy that I wish to feel
The final happiness like a tease.
Just out of my reach
Soon I will be free.
Soon.

Crimson colors fall to the ground
Shattered they lay turning to a melancholy faded grey
Reliving the deaths of all once again
Fallen, drifting across the bare floor
Forgotten.
A hand comes from nowhere to pick up the pieces of something once beautiful
Slowly the hand fits the shards together
But it is too late
So, yet again they lay on the ground.
Fallen

I'm sorry.
After all the time we had together, I suppose
You must have got bored.
It's ironic
You telling me people got bored of you.
Then turning around and dishing the same injustice out to undeserving people.
To me.
Ignoring my texts and calls
Giving pathetic excuses no one believes.
Not even you.
Right?
Yes, I know I'm right
So the cycle ends here.
I'm giving up.
No more tears
No more years
I'm not going to wait up for you anymore.
Every three months another part of me falls for you
Then you rip my heart out and leave, taking it with you.
I hate who I am without you, but I can't stand you anymore
Or rather your absence.
No,
     I'm not sorry
Tomorrow will be a new day
A dark day, but I will welcome the peace with open arms.

Pen to paper my heart pours out,
All of the lonely,
All of the hurt.
All of the things I've never said
And all of the things I'll do till I'm dead

Pen to paper a soul cries out,
Save me from myself for I cannot,
Save those of us with no choice but to feel what defines us.

Pen to paper a mind realizes,
We are such insignificant beasts as to darken the world around us yet nature would move on without us,
Such foul creatures as to destroy the truth and poison the pure hearted.

Pens to paper,
Collectively they groan
Weeping for the lost and the found
Weeping for reasons long forgotten.

Pens no longer to paper,
Pens fallen to the ground.

I won't make I through the year.
You should leave and forget about me
When I'm gone maybe it won't hurt as bad...
How can you love me? Why do you?
Why, when The Grey dictates every aspect of my life.
I'm sorry, don't worry about me, this is the last time I'll say it.

Why can't you see you are perfect?
It doesn't matter who you say you are, it doesn't matter what they call you.
You are.

How can you not understand that you are loved?
Those lies they whisper in your ear,
You are loved.

We would cry rivers of remorse if you left us,
The world would be less

Why can't you see that you are perfect, and that beauty isn't based on titles?

It must be wrong.
What I'm feeling
     Loneliness is just another ploy for attention
It's wrong to want to have you around
Or anyone.
It's selfish if I just want to die and forget about
     Everything.
You ask, I'll give.
I ask
     I will be beaten down.
I understand now
That it is selfish to think of anyone but
     Everyone else.

This is why I trust no one. Because everyone leaves, and they never look back.
Or they're around when it's convenient for them.
I'm taking charge, you treat me how you want to be treated, I'm done being pushed down and stuck in the middle of everyone's ****.
And I'm.done.

I remember when you said you loved me the first time
    The words carressing my cheek like you do
    My soul, held ever so gently in your hands.
    That first kiss, held like a final note on a piano, sweet to no end.
    When I fell asleep on your lap, nightmares later, the faint memory of you chasing the demons away, floating on the edge of my thoughts
    Will you love me?
    Today
    Tomorrow
    Forever?
Unconditionally, my love.

Does anyone know what it really is to be alone
Surrounded by people yet
Totally.
Completely.
Alone.
Those of us who are alone wait in the Dark for someone to pay attention and care
Even when we don't, we want someone to care if we fade away like clouds in the open sky
No one wants to be alone
Even when they ask you to leave them be
They don't want to be alone, least of all me

My silent scream for help, gone unnoticed yet again.
Joy is the many knives of Julius Ceasar
Stabbing me in the back
I wait for someone to notice, that I'm not okay, I don't know how to be
Does anyone know that sometimes, I don't want to always be the one to start the one way conversation?
Asking, "How was your day?" When the underlying pain says "Help me. I don't want to be alone so talk to me every once in a while"
Every time I get no reply wondering if they are still alive, or if they simply don't like me.
Silent Tears running down my face at the end of every night, reminding me of the losses of the day.
Silent Tears to mark the end of the day, and the start of a new pain

Why can't you hear my silent cries for help?
Don't you remember who I used to be?
Someone not afraid of everyone,
Someone who wouldn't question when someone was nice, one who wasn't afraid to have a voice.
Someone who isn't Grey.
Why can't you hear my ragged voice, straining to be heard from my prison of self creation?

I don't know what to do.
I've lost the only reason to live.
Please don't miss me, I won't.
I can't continue the struggle to breathe anymore.
I want to destroy something.
I guess I'll have to do.
I want the pain, no, I need the pain.
It's the only thing I deserve anymore.
I hate myself so much.
So long cruel world.

What is it to live?
To love.
To feel.
To be.

It is pain my little one.

Why am I alone?

Because you cannot care for others enough little one.

How much must I give?

Everything and more.

Never have I asked before
    How to feel no more.
I thought you wanted me to be happy
    But that's just another lie
Happiness is a lie.
    Like the stories we spin to make ourselves comfortable
Your love is a lie.
    Everything is a lie, nothing is real.
Everything is pain and greed.
    We paint pictures of unicorns and rainbows
Of true love and joy.
    But it's all a lie.

If you look into her eyes, down into her soul
You would see a heart struggling to beat.
Scars of a billion different sizes, as numerous as the stars in the night sky.
Don't you see that one wrong move and those old heart scars will burst?
Don't leave her, the remains of something once cherished behind like all the others.
Be careful when you tell her you care, those who've said that have all went away.
They all go away
People never change, she trusts no one, yet somehow opened her heart up one more time, for one last person in her empty soul.
She is tired of these scars, these reminders of those she's lost.
Don't become another one, or there may be nothing left to repair
Don't say you care, for the word has become a dark reminder of the lies it brings.
Shh now. she lays crumpled on the floor, wracked with pain she cannot describe.

Tell me you love me.
I need to hear the truth,
Am I paranoid, or correct?
I don't have time for guilt about this question,
But I need to know before it's too late.
It feels like no one really cares.
Maybe if they did I wouldn't be feeling this way.
Don't tell me I'm just lonely, or depressed, and not to feel this way.
I can't help it, and I'm losing control.
Tell me you love me,
Or let me pretend.
No time, yet plenty of it.
Leave me alone, but I'm scared of being alone.
Don't tell me you love me, unless it's true.
Don't let me think I'm alone when you're around
Don't tell me you want to talk to me and then don't
I get my hopes up to get them crushed.
Maybe I need to go to bed, you say,
Maybe I need to not be alone...
When I tell you goodnight, do you realize how when you tell me to go to bed, I feel like you're trying to brush me off, or don't want me around.
I understand, I don't want to be around either.
Goodnight.

Your promises are made to be broken.
Your words, are spoken to be taken back.
How can I trust one with no inner emotion?

Until the frailty of the world fades,
Until the fragile state of the world comes to an end,
Our minds will degrade, and our bodies will fade
Unless we come together
To solve a global problem, and make peace with ourselves and neighbors
If we have to sign our names on papers,
Until our children have a future to look forward to,
I will not stop trying to fix the population.
Whatever that means...

She was told to turn her pain into power.
She was the most powerful human in the world. And it was her own fault.
She used her lion in her heart to protect the weak and the beast in her belly to save others.
Yet she couldn't save herself in the end.

The heart scars reopens
Especially when you give your all to someone and you're too blind to see what it is.
Because at fifteen, when someone says they love you and bother to talk to the one hiding behind a curtain of hair,
You feel wanted.
You feel loved.
You feel like you matter.
But you don't, so watch your back.
Careful who you let in before it's too late to run

Strength comes from the soul
     It is not given
Strength can only be found
     During the darkest of nights
At a time when colors blend together
     It is gained when a person realizes
The simple truth
     Keep moving.
     The pain won't last till the morning
     light
     You can and will rise above
Find your strength to get up off the ground
Push forward because
Somewhere.
Sometime.
Somehow.
     You are loved.
     You are worthy.
     You are strong.

Lie she here
At the foot of the tearstained bed.
Ever watchful,
Ever alert.
Above her lay her only friend,
The one with the inner demons.
She looks up to assure the life she holds in her possession is still being lived.
The soul still beating,
She lays her head back on her paws and watches for the inner demons of her master

Two bright souls wander in a thick bracken
One a comforting green, one a devoid of life grey color
Both each have their own ideas on where their destiny lay.
Two souls stumble into each other in a meadow
A canvas of green and bright white light encompass the forest floor.
Flowers of every color surround them, weaving throughout the branches of the canopy.
The grey one feels itself drawing closer, but is scared to react in any way that might disturb the other.
It fears spreading the grey to the lively green one, so it drifts away.
The farther it goes, the darker it's light turns
The light one follows at a distance, yet still keeping the grey one in sight.
They meet up again, this time their bond growing stronger.
Three years later the one that once was grey is an almost translucent sheen, the other the most beautiful, full of life light green.
They spend time together as often as possible, but the grey one disappears just as often, each time it returns, the more invisible it became
One day, the grey one came back, but the green couldn't see it anymore. It's became a sickly green color and moved on with it's life.
The grey one always followed, never seen, never heard. Eventually, it went on its own way, yet whenever it saw the other, it would follow the green one until it turned a brighter color. Even when it followed after a royal purpleish colored one and got brighter, the grey one still followed, even though a deep sorrow lingered in it's heart.

I want to be alone, even when I'm scared to be lonely,
But I can be lonely with you
I can be safe next to you,
Loved next to you,
Free with you
We can do whatever, even take over the world and rule the seven seas and more
I don't have to be lonely
We have each other

I never meant to hurt you.
I never wanted for this chain of pain.
I only wanted to be upset at myself for all of my flaws, and I was angry for the troubled state I was in.
I could never ever hurt you
But I hurt the one I promised never to hurt.
And now, I cannot fix it.
I feel lost already, wandering alone as usual
No place in sight, no destination.
If I could fix me, if only to help you I would a billion times over.
I wish I could take it back
Because I hurt the one person who has always been there for me, a strong tower above my head,
a warm embrace when I wish I was dead.
I never meant to hurt you

I'm scared to lose you,
But I don't want to abuse you...
I'm worried however, whether you have no time,
Or don't want to spend time
I'm attached, I'll admit, I want to spend every chance with you,
If only to feel whole for a moment.
It's wrong I know, and selfish as well, I probably shouldn't dwell.
Considering my past I don't even have the right.
I guess I'll fade with the night.
Prove to me you love me, I'm not asking for time, or objects.
I'm not trying to be controlling, dear Lord, not that...
I'm lost and can't breathe, this is silly I know, but sometimes I wonder...
Lost in the vortex,
Lost to the harsh Texan heat, of so many summers ago,
Lost to the guilt and fear weighing me down,
I guess I'll go, before I say more I'll regret
Say more than just hurt.

The irony,
If only we could see,
How easy it is to care for someone else.
To give your all until there is nothing left.
The disappointment life brings can never measure up to the hatred in my bones as red as blood, that we harness for "I"

I hate the world for letting me down when I can barely stand
The demoralizing things they say behind other people's back, thinking only of themselves.
But most of all, I hate hope.
Because it never holds out.
There's nothing I won't do, but nothing they will do.
Don't tell me something if it's going to be a cruel lie in the morning.
I see now. It's not the night that represents the bad, but rather the day.
They wake during the day.
Leave me and my broken heart alone if you aren't going to keep your word, for without it, what is the point of trust?

I want to love you
Yet I'm scared to
So I will write this poem
And hope my heart won't roam.
It's been battered and beaten
And frankly shouldn't be beating
Yet I keep on being.
Today I cried,
But I didn't lie
No, not when I said I love you.

All I can dream of is death
I have no goals
I'm failing in life, because I care no more.
Please, when I'm gone, don't cry. Don't miss me.
All I ask is for a few nice words when I'm in the wooden box. And to not try to stop me.
The fight was over before it even started.
Goodbye, I'll see you never

Tomorrow's another day.

Pretend.
Put on a mask every day and never let it fail