Fickle me, sick of these nickels and dimes
I do less to change me, I'm just here to die
Hoping she finds me, impossibly fine
Told her I am okay, please, leave me inside
I just need some rest, I woke up real tired -
Really, dont worry - I'll see you tonight.
Smile for the camera, make sure it's wide
Pain in my chest, says 'I hate you- you liar'
Context, I can't stress it's leftover pride
Dinner, I missed it - still dishes seem higher
Can't seem to fix this so I set that aside
Retire, required to drop her a line
- no less than two texts 'I love you' I find
Is best to send first, as to fetch no reply -
Give her a bit, or maybe, a while
Next I send 'raincheck, I promise' this time
I've run out of reasons, believe me - I'm trying
Though everything hurts, it was worthwhile for mine
Blinds are low so I'm alone -
So sorry while I hide
Unattached, i forgot her laugh
Imagine my surprise -
She texts me last 'I love you back.
Sweet dreams and good night'
Too late for me to tell the truth
Much less make things right
Tomorrow, maybe, compose some peace of mind
Messy blessings, unattended still alive
& a loss I couldn't stand to lose, please, let me down to die
None can change the face  I see when looking her eyes
& I fear her near me - alone, just her and I
Would only bring her close to me - my pain, my claims, insane we'd try
Better left unsaid I guess, even if only for tonight

Lost for words -
Still I try
years have passed
& gone away
Rest in peace
A forgotten face
Etched in stone
Embered pain
Her ash long stained
My soul
Alone, alive disgraced
First love
First loss
My cross to bare
yet, no one knows
Just me and my ghosts

Word to the wise, were here to survive
Quick to surrender,  December will die
Remember me fondly
Recovering mine
Gone from this day
Wronged for my time
Livid were living
Hateful for why
Love is a sentence
No word can define
Learning to give when nobody cares
Earning to live and so why even try
Words too unwise, most would or will derive
Wits known to cover, another lost - once mine

Who knew the truth was just a noose wrapped up
Post mortem bruises, I'm ruined
I hope; in vain
I cope with me
Set free
Now I'm alone and clueless
Rhyming why with no one cares

Wooden matches
Gas in plastic
Watch the flame
No one came
Willful chaos
Quick silent seance
Mr Burn his fear
And so,
In turn, he knows -
No man hurts alone
Still,
Ties elastic
Melt while
Dire ashes
Carry away
Everything
Until
Everything's gone
Except the burns
We share

I attempt a smile though my heart has it's doubts
It's true I'm a liar, still please hear me out
I'm in love with a dream
Forgetful me forgot to sleep
No peace of mind to share or show
I hurt all those who get too close
I told her I loved her for whatever it's worth
Omitted I don't know how to love without hurt

I see it's raining outside, here inside it's storming -
my heart has took a beating while the pain is mostly dormant
I feel it after happy dreams cuz i know i can't record them
Nothing like Folgers in your cup -another mourning morning

A beautiful creep
Deny me my sleep
A wonderful dream
Life of a sheep
Wednesday broken-needy
Friday you feed me
Finely, we're eating.
Seasons change grieving
Saturday's screaming
Wake up fool you're bleeding!

I love to see her smile, though I rarely smile back
I doubled up my *** and then I tripled up my Jack
Grabbed a pack of cigarettes
Like cancers what I lack
Told her I'd return when the devil's off my back
She said she'd leave the porch light on, and I love this girl for that

Resentments I bought with the last of my wage
Paid for in full still I owe her some change
Reluctantly propose another misguided truce
Stuck in a loop of mutual abuse
When i leave she finds pain only i can relieve (or so she pleads and claims)
I return to find more hurt in exchange for her relief
I wave a white flag
Save a bit of face (or at least just mask some shame)  
Tomorrow might i find a way to hate her same as she has shown today?
So, maybe, when she begs again for me to return to her or stay - i can draw some strength before it’s gone on and on so long that fate finds it’s too late —
To find respect in my reflection as i mirror old mistakes - impossible, and it seems I need not only leave her as I’ve escaped a thousand times and time and time again results have proven plain as day that I’m hopeless and insane- i need to forgive myself for how i feel and felt (find faith in me again)
Admit that this was never love and above all stay away

I must admit, my ego gets the best of me
More often than I care to tell
I dwell on things I can't control
Fall along with crowds I can’t escape
I hate this
Paperless prose I’ve found
Isolation made me strange perhaps
If I leave now will these walls fall down?
I beat myself up , she belittles me while
I gave her my heart I have nothing now

I might just disappear
Hollow Man
Abracadabra Deborah
We're gone
Sad songs drown me
Memories I allow
This is lost & found
Not show and tell
Lessons learnt me
Texts still hurt left unsent
I fell asleep and failed to call
In the morning I learned she left
And never ever coming back

Listen, I'm trying to see things positive and even though my Optometrist seems optimistic, I'm just not convinced -

Legitimately illegitimate me
Immediate wants perceived as needs
Filling voids to avoid my thoughts
Healthy hurts alone I'll rot
Buy me love I cant afford
Sold my soul a while ago
My employer's name is pain
Redacted last night today's the same

I wanted to die this time last year
Humbug, my love’s gone - the same as my cheer
I keep meeting women quick to wish me away
Then they cry & claim abandonment like ‘why didn’t you stay?’
Reducing my friends list with her inbox to blame
Scrolling through pictures though faces are strange
Connect me to something worthwhile to feel
Show me a status that makes magic real

I’m not my profile picture
I’m here for you but never there
A lot has changed, afraid it's true
I’m not the person that you once knew
I look in the mirror, a stranger stares back
Unkempt and stressed from blessings I missed
Lackluster eyes unfocused, broken
Hope when I sleep to never awake
Carry me off to where I was made
I am not my ugliest photo
Nor am I anyone's best guess
I have made my prison given words to impress
You take them please let me leave from these cages
Instagram gone away I’ll never come back
Last chance to chat snaps mask on for laughs back
Fall asleep like a creep with my face in your book
It took me too long to admit it, I’m missing everything
Trying to see everything on a cracked screen
Time killing to avoid how I feel
Vanities streaming, screaming believe me!
I see nothing new
I feel nothing real

Socially ackward me
They say I talk weird (agreed)
Common ground i found on my dead neighbors stoop
This dormant torment i allowed in my bed chamber too
Sweet dreams, Thursday's the funeral
Suit and tie, don't cry - gone now see you soon though
Wonder why, but not too long
I love you all, play this song
To remember not to forget to see
Whatever helps, helps more without me
.
Backwards maybe but i won't say sorry
Last word will be yours don't worry
Hardly any reason to speak
Every time I see you I feel weak
In my knees these bees can't carry me
Unreasonable me still believes
They should

Last night broke me
I’m coping though I hope you know
I came to be this loner so
I could breathe you see it’s not enough
Equal grief I preached
The liars listened
Seasons greet me with warm intentions
Guess we side on old affections
Leave the light on
Porch lit mentions
Sent my last text
Mixed up guessing
Can't connect with no exceptions
Ex Mr Worthwhile my lone exemption
That place in your heart its callous this section
Remember before life blindsided me
I could see the whole world in your eyes
Now all I see is contempt

Best try & impress her with a lesser intention
Karma's seen me digress to a non worthwhile mention
Trade me your burdens (I'll take the whole lot)
I will not complain, the pain made me strong
Ruined your day just to make an excuse
[&] Leave you unchained from thoughts that I've got
**** me with those words that cure me for now
Love me never (I'm better off gone)

It's getting hard to breathe
- anxious thoughts I wish they'd stop
Put this pen to bed
Admit I've got to talk
With someone in a position
To finally make a diagnosis
Instead I write about it
Ashamed to really show it
Lousy me, I claim to grow
I dissect my life, my mess
In to pieces I can chew
Today I can't digest
So, i just write the same old tune
No poetic message here
No blessings seen or sent
No tears, no smiles
Just hopes in time, time finally helps

Rinse off in the rain
Same story insane
Told again and again
A close romance with death I blame
Life; and though it’s priceless - I’m broke with no change
I wish I had the guts to take the leap and end this silly circus
Still I’m trying not to notice that i must have missed my purpose
If i die from laziness, my hernia from work will
Serve as a reminder some important things are worthless
Dedication when misplaced is a test not worthwhile grading
Looking back to waste more time on memories I’m facing
Somehow, will slow down the clock, my cowardly replacements
Kept yesterday’s like bite sized snacks unwrapped left just littered basements
Depression gives a lesson that is better left unlearned
I have no gifts peers wish I’d give, just random seeds that need no dirt