the pain in my chest comes and goes in waves now
I am not sure if it has anything to do with the cycle of the Moon or not
(but it probably does, She controls everything)
-
I got really sick at the same time you decided to walk away from me
my lungs were infected and starting to fail, but you weren't there
maybe that's why it was so hard for my body to fight back
it was too busy trying to heal my heart
well, it's been almost three months now
and my lungs are working again
I guess now I am just waiting for my heart to get to the same page
-

summer was my favorite yellow sweater
a poly blend of cotton, mental stability, and personal triumphs from the previous months
my summer sweater was the best I ever had
smelling of campfires and kisses and travels and euphoria
but, it had one fatal flaw
the loose thread
the loose thread that I chose to ignore until it got snagged on his car door handle the night he kissed me
the loose thread that then began to unravel the sweater
for a little while, it was still wearable
I could keep it together with the assistance of safety pins and wishful thinking
but now I sit here, naked on the hard wood floor
clinging to the big bright yellow mess that was once my favorite summer sweater
wishing I could go back to the beginning and just tie that ******* loose thread a little tighter
so that I would never have to let go of my favorite summer sweater
-

I'm a lot gayer than originally planned.
*******. Gay.
But I'm worried about the concept;
not sure if it's right to use the word
“gay”
when (I'm sorry I said it)
I'm really bisexual,
just particularly into women right now.
Like,
is that bad representation
of my sexuality?
Only encouraging
bi-erasure?
It just doesn't have the same
“umph”
to say
I'm feeling particularly
bisexual today.
But I've been telling myself
over and over
that it's okay,
no matter what
I'm feeling today.
I don't
need
your
box

anymore.

If I kiss a woman, I am a lesbian
If I kiss a man, I am straight
I have this illogical need to scream at the heavens from atop a cliff
To scream I’m here in this world; I exist!
To say I am just bisexual is wrong
To say that certain aspect of me is the most oppressed is wrong
I am a woman, I am bisexual, I have tourettes, I have depression
I could go on for hours saying I ams
Saying statements that describe me
I am oppressed and stereotyped by the society I live in
So why is being bisexual the one I defend the most?
I asked myself this daily
Until I found the answer
Every other fact about me is undeniable;
I have a ******
I have diagnoses
That is tangible evidence
I have no sheet of paper with a signature of some fancy M.D.
Nor do I have some body part that labels me as bisexual
There is no definite way to tell if I am bisexual
Which makes it easier for people to say You’re just confused or It’s just a phase
And no matter how often I say it’s not; they won’t believe me
They don’t believe me because I don’t have the evidence they want
I don’t have an M.D.’s signature
I don’t have that ‘bisexual bodypart’
All I have is my own knowledge
And I don’t give a **** if that’s not good enough for you
Because I do exist
And I am here to stay

Growing up kids get told
"There's nothing wrong with
Being who you are"
"You can be anybody
You want to be"
"You are special"

Unless of course
You are different
Not a stereotyped that
Can be boxed and put away

You are only wanted if you
Act and look a certain way
Skinny but still look like you eat
Smart but not so smart it's intimidating
Talk and be kind
Don't say too much or be too nice
Then you'll come off as creepy

Tired of spending days
Being quiet when
There's so many things to say
Staying up late
Contemplating ways to
Be who I was told people would like

It's hard trying to fit in
When you always stand out
Scratch that
Get left out

I've tried everything
To be who you want
Why can't I just be me?
I don't know how to be
Some puppet controlled by society

You think I'm so
Scared of you
Your insults
Haunting my
Every waking moment

You think I'm afraid
To hear the same thing
Every single day
Be reminded
I'm dumb I'm ugly
I'll never be good enough
Not for you not for me
Not for anybody

Just remember
I know what you think
I know I can't do anything right
The insults just keep coming
Until I can't handle it

One day I disappeared
Went away
Because your words may
Have scared me
But your words
NEVER did more damage
Than the knife

When I was younger
You could either be
Straight, gay or lesbian

Bisexual existed
But that usually
Translated to
"You're confused"
"It's just a phase"
"Experimentation is okay"

Anything other than
Straight or lesbian
Seemed like a taboo

I am not straight
I am not a lesbian
I am stuck
Here in the
Land of the inbetween

My skin color
Doesn't make me free
You can't assume because
Someone looks white
They are treated equally

Being white doesn't
Make me privileged
I worked hard to get
To where I am

I am not as "white" as I look
I am Hispanic
Which means that
Behind the scenes my
Family is not as
Well put together
As we may look

My parents are divorced
We're not poor but
They're struggling to
Get their kids a college education

I am a female
I didn't always have the
Rights I do now
For many years
My kind couldn't vote

For many years
Women were forced
Into a gender role
Being a female
Doesn't mean I'm weak

I am not straight
But also not a lesbian
Until this year
I didn't have the luxury of
Getting married to
Who I wanted where I wanted

People still don't understand
They think I'm confused
I can pray it away
You know what
Not even your
Backhanded religion
Can save me

I am not even
Safe in my own mind
There is a
Constant war
My depression and anxiety
Is eating away at me

You look at me
You see white
My people
We have
Always had to fight