I wish I could explain to you how my heart changes
Daily\ by the minute
When I see you across the way,
my view obscured by a wall; which seems fitting
A wall seems to keep us apart [endlessly]
Your end or mine
Its easier, we agree
What is it that keeps me so far you ask?
ME
There is something surrounding my heart
Malleable and breathing
Alive and keeping me together somehow
I've let it open a few times
To let someone in, to let you in.
But every time, without fail, something changes
You got to my heart and it burned in the most beautiful light
Coming in, you made it good, and happiness was real
It was when you left that things got bad
I left myself open for too long and lost myself over time
Bits and pieces fell out slowly, scattering itself
Now my heart is incomplete, more so than usual
I'm not blaming you
I souly point the finger at myself
I shouldn't have opened up to begin with
You want me to be honest and transparent,
but since closing back up, my heart has turned dark and mucky
Unable to be seen through clearly
I try to be honest, but  the current truths get blindsided by the past lies
I don't mean to do all the damage I caused
To you or me
I wish this was a real apology, for I know it changes nothing
Me continuing to be closed off
I’m sorry.

Here, sitting outside
The breeze makes a chill
Balancing the heated shining sun
The fountains down below this porch keep spraying high
My hair, that's short and dark now,is new to the light and wind
The strands move in a new wave
My earbuds play songs only heard in unknown movies
I don't need other eyes to be on me to feel seen
Pigeons fly around the bell tower
Sure, the bee sitting across the table from me isn't much company
But he listens to my typed words and buzzes to the beat
That's all I need
In my mind I don't desire to be rushed away
I'm fine here
Nowhere special
Gazing at he Chapel beyond the hill
Thanks be given to the flowers that make the bushes seem bigger than they are
And the third story window of the building next door that remains open though no one's home
Right where I need to be is here
Alone on an empty campus typing poems no one reads

Rain doesn't feel the same as it once did
It now burns my skin
Making it impossble to walk outside
My head stays drifted down to the cracks I walk over
If I keep pretending that the rolling pills don't  hurt
My mind won't wonder to giving in
Letting the drop lull off my eyelashes
Falling into my colorless pupils
Accepting the blind world of acid