'That looks just like a fox being sick'
I stare at the torn-off chunk of bread,
at the hunk of gluten that floured your imagination.
Your delighted smile dangles as you dance off again,
dragging your future behind you.
Cos i've already seen that imagination of yours begin its adult transition.
Imagined slights and planned flights. Life-or-death disco nights.
Life planned and felt and feared and adored as it only can be
by the mind of a twelve year old.
You have so many futures left in that brain of yours.
Careers and fears and loves of your life.
When you reach my age you'll have lived our years multiplied
in fantasy and what-ifs.
We talk of becoming 'more together',
but what if its really just about
being the persons we are?

-maybe your over-thinking, maybe your depressed.
maybe its anxiety, maybe its stress.
maybe its sadness or maybe its a death.-
hes withdrawn, acting like hes dead.
his eyes see nothing but he numbly nods his head.
im tired of worry i want love instead.
this boy is trouble, broken and distant.
this boy is confounding though my feelings are insistent.
i don't want to feel. i don't want to care.
his eyes have stopped seeing through their stare.
hes sick, mind and soul.
i want to fix him but at what toll?
he's addicted. challenged by his mind.
and i'm still ignorantly by his side.
how much of this can i abide?

Please, make it stop.
Stop this pain,
stop this hopeless hope,
stop the love.
Fast forward to a time when I won't think of him
(or when he'll feel ready to be with me)
Make me understand that I cannot have everything I wish for
(or him that I can make his deepest wishes true)
I don't want to keep living out of flashes and moments,
I don't want to keep worrying about the definite end.
I don't want to kiss him and leave wondering when it will happen again.
Give me a sign of what to pray for,
because I really don't know what to ask for when I get on my knees.
Do I keep praying for him to realize I am the one or for me to realize that he may not be?
How can I convince myself of that?
(how can I convince him?)
I bet no one would believe that I felt he was special since day one,
that I saw in you whan no one would see.
And then you smiled, and then you talked,
and you named all the reasons to be who you are.
And just when I couldn't stop picturing my life without him,
he comes and says he is happy alone.
That he is not ready right now,
that he does not want me, nor anyone.
How do I compete against that?
There's no other woman,
there's nothing to fight against but himself.
He says he doesn't know how to think in plural anymore cause he's been alone for so long,
well, so have I,
c'mon my love, react.
We can learn together, from the basics if you want,
from writting each other notes and drawing hearts on the windows of our cars.
So, what will it be?
Do I give up or do you give in?

You ever feel that?
Stomach turning for what you have done, felt like doing or following through?
The next day you ask yourself why?
What made me this way?
A person I do not recognize anymore.
Someone who reacts and just flows with the go.
Or is is it goes with the flow?
Just a shell of a person I once knew.
Will I find her again?
Wish she would come back to me.
Perfect mother, perfect friend, perfect wife.
Maybe that is it.
No one can be perfect.
I tried too hard.
Someday this person I was will will appear to me.
Come back and make me feel whole again.
One day I will not make decisions based on anyone else and their desires or what I think will make them happy.
Now I can think clear, what about me, the shell is hard, it is empty can not be reborn.
Just a empty shell.

I stand on the edge of a cliff up high in
The Heavens, surrounded by thick, gray
Clouds, and I’m blinded by the dense fog.

I feel myself being levitated higher into the
Heavens and thrown by an Evil Force, and I
Tumble through the endless darkness and

I land on a boat braving the tides of indecisions
And fear of the past, present, and future, and
I am tossed violently by the hopes, dreams,

And expectations. I paddle deeper into the
Endless ocean with neither an oar nor a sail
And the tides pulls me under and I gasp for

Breathe as I struggle to keep my head above
The water. I become more overwhelmed with
Every crashing wave and my boat fades away

Into the horizon and the fog grows thicker
Until I’m entirely blinded by all the “what ifs”
And the “maybes”, and suffocated by all that

“Could’ve”, “should’ve”, and “would’ve”.
I wait for a light to break through the dense
Fog, calm the tides, and to carry me back to

Where it all began. I pray to whoever will
Listen so I can be saved from this endless
Storm. With every tick and tock of the clock,

I grow more anxious and I begin to sweat.
I wonder if this is reality or if I am dreaming so
I open my eyes and I’m free falling through

The endless funnel of ominous, gray clouds
And my eyes grow bigger as I realize that this
Is not a dream but rather a nightmare that

I cannot escape not matter how hard I try.
It’s a monstrous, endless nightmare that
Has taken control of my mind and my life

And the worst part is: it’s all in my mind.

I've shouldered heartache, shouldered pain
And I have taken all the blame
For through my weakness of volition,
I've relinquished all ambition
To be more than just a vacant gazer,
Like one who claims their soul is braver,
Yet capitulates before the saber.

And man excels in lies and treason,
Extinguishes the age of reason
For if all men are free to think,
Then surely the Leviathan must sink
And with it take down all degrees of
malfeasance is stormy seas,
And from the ashes birth and rise,
a phoenix silhouettes the skies
Who pirouettes and sparks with glee,
Arching towards the bourgeoise

And whenceforth now but down below
This sinking pit you surely know
Cannot be held, cannot be kept
Our Natures toil their final breath
And with the fall of all from grace,
The wolves oh long ago they raced
For all there is a time to rise
Our ignorance lay in our eyes
Through history I again recite,
That dawn doth fade before the night