Rowan

Rowan Feb 2018

Dear Deadname,
Someday I will be able to look at old pictures of you without disgust
I will look at your long dark hair and remember how much you loved it
Loved running you hands through it as you untangled it from its curls
I will remember how it felt between my own fingers
Silky and smooth and how much I loved it myself
Your eyes that were so dark they looked black
And how at the mention of books, or cake they would light up like the Fourth of July
How your smile was so full, and real
With no underlying intent
Especially how your skin would become so dark in summer
Yet so pale in winter, and still look beautiful on you
Even your petite shape was something I fell in love with
How you fit so perfectly in anyone's arms
And maybe even one day I will be able to utter your name
I am not ready yet, though your name is a beautiful one
I want you to understand that some day I'll love you but until then
Sincerely, Rowan

This is just something I needed to do for myself.

#lgbt #trans #love

Rowan Feb 2018

Just Stop

It seems as though it will be a decent day
That is until I bumped into someone
It's not a big deal
He didn't get mad or shout
But my heart begins to race like a runner that is trying to win
And a little voice whispers in my head
"faster, faster faster..."
I speed up my pace a bit
I just need to get to math, then I can sit
But it feels as though people are staring at me
Am I not passing?
Can they see who I'm not?
"Faster, Faster, Faster..."
The voice grows
I put my head down and try to avoid making eye contact
But I snap it back up to make sure I don't run into anyone
Up, down, up, down, up, down
Just stay down
"FASTER, FASTER, FASTER..."
The voice screams in my head
My heart feels like it's trying to jump out of my chest
My chest is tightening
I can't breathe
I CAN'T BREATHE
I can't focus
What is happening to me?
Why can't I stop?
I need to stop
To stop
Just stop
Please
Stop

#anxiety

Rowan Dec 2017

Tired

I am so tired and I can't think straight
Maybe it's because I'm gay
Who knows, and anyway that's not the point
My head is a jumble of thoughts
Mix matching and combining into something else entirely
Like a zombie, dead and just flat out strange and terrifying
My thoughts range from how I will die, to if life is really real
Or is it like the Matrix where everyone is just energy for the robots
By god I am tired
I can't stop shaking either
And I can't tell if it's from anxiety, not sleeping, or the soda I drank
Maybe it's all three, I honestly don't know
The lights seem so bright and noise seems louder than life
I wonder why the lights dance around to the noise
Circling my head doing twists, turns, and tumbles they make me dizzy
I am so freaking tired
My stomach won't stop yelling at me
Like thunder it roars
Growing louder and louder and louder until it finally dies
I am so **** tired
And I don't know where this poem was going

I honestly can't even remember writing this.

#tired #random #thoughts

Rowan Oct 2017

Strong

I remember when I thought I was weak
Sometimes I still do
But then I remember what a friend once said to me
She was trying to calm me down from a panic and asthma attack
I sobbed and apologized for being so weak
She told me to look at her as she rubbed soothing circles on my back
"Max, you are one of the strongest people I know
Everyday you get up and you live
You struggle to get your binder on
You struggle to be recognized as the boy you are
You deal with idiots who call you names and taunt you
So no, Max you are the strongest and manliest of men I know."
That night I learn that I wasn't weak, but that I am strong

This is for my friend who has helped me in being who I am and accepting it.

#strength #strong

— The End —