Nicky was my friend,
and yes, Nicky.
Because they were never a she
they were just lead into believing they were
because people here, at this ******* funeral,
would never open their ******* mind
and certainly not their ******* eyes.
Nicky was MY friend.
Nicky was my best friend.
and I remember never knowing if I would see them again.
They've been fighting this battle for years,
and no one stepped in to help
because you ******* people were so obsessed
with the thought
of them
being perfect.
More perfect than they already were.
Their name was Nick,
Nicky,
not anything else
Nickelodeon, maybe, if you wanted to be formal
but it was hard to be formal around Nicky,
because they weren't someone that took things harshly
they saw beauty in skulls and death
and they saw the horror in the world around them
I'm reading this now because they once told me
that they were feeling suicidal in an AEP room
and they wrote this letter to me
about writing them a poem
at first, I didn't want to do it
because they only said it because
they wanted it read aloud at their funeral
I wanted to say no
because the thought of their death was unbearable
but not impossible.
I should have done more
but instead, I told them that I would
and I started typing.
There was nothing wrong with Nicky.
Not to me. Not to their friends
Nicky was perfect.
Maybe not your version of perfect:
a girl who will sit and do her nails
cross her legs
do everything so easily
but Nicky was never a she
Nicky was and is always a them.
Nicky had no childhood, despite what most of you think
They grew up the moment they were born
into a much too cruel world
with a much too cruel man.
They saw the world as what it really was
and despite what you think, they're not going to heaven
there was never heaven, and they knew this
but no one knew this, did they?
Because did anyone listen?
No. Never. Why would they?
Because what?
Nick was just a person?
Nick was just another person?
NO!
No.
Nick was never just a person.
Nick was an experience that all of you were too
naive to notice or think about, much less see.
Nicky suffered all of their life, and they saw something in this pain
they saw the beauty that most were too busy crying to realize
Nick saw the realism in hurting
Nick was a real person
who never was really alive
just someone who was surviving.
because there's a difference, in case you didn't know.
With Nicky, they took the color from the world
they became a black void, ******* all the happiness possible
maybe now people will see how realistic this is.
Like a willow tree, they fell silent as they crashed against
the ocean of green on the floor
they gave in to the rotting the world puts us through
you would call it growth
but Nicky knew it wasn't growth
it was a chainsaw.
and now, they're gone.
I miss the way they laughed at all of my jokes
I miss the way their hand felt in mine
I miss being with them, even if we were just sitting
in silence
with music, deafening.
Nicky was my friend, and yes, Nick
because they were never a she,
but you wouldn't know that would you?
Are you listening now?