As I gaze upon the water
There I see a boy
I do not know
There I see man
Who will not grow
To be a father
As I wished
As I wash
I know not of either
I know not what to believe
So I ask a woman
To be my teacher
To receive my questions
As advancement
Only to understand
& never to deceive her

I wanted to tell you
That my mom was sick
She was strong & I was at my weakest since my brother slipped forever
But whatever, we don’t need to talk about that
Alas through my paranoia and tobacco riddled anxiety
She would be ok

I wanted to tell you
that I cry more than most people
Especially during the part of the movie where
I can't remember
But you know the one where the crescendo truncates
And he promises her whatever is
She wishes to be promised

I wanted to show you
My favorite painting
Those lofty strokes and sharp lines creating the right light around a blue tunic and sure footing on the morning star
When color was black & white
Yes, those moments when religion meant everything

I wanted you
to hear my favorite song
But then you kissed me
Before that wall of sound could swallow that third verse
Before the violins could be whip stroked
Before I was just going to *******
And stream something else

I wanted to tell you
That there is a bigger **** out there
Filling all of your existential regret
and satisfying your unwanted needs  
Attached to someone far more important
with longer hair
and a mom and dad who love each other

I wanted to tell you all of this in the mere moment we had Standing before an open minded stranger
Elbows propped eagerly along the marble
Stretching a hand out across an ashtray
I wanted to tell you
It's not you
It's me
But we both know after 3 glasses of Malbec
And one deeply destroyed waiter
This isn't true

I wish I would have told you
That I am not afraid of getting old
I am afraid of feeling old
Out of touch with whatever happens to grow around me
Having no room to absorb or breathe anything but time’s ailments
Nervous nails & the black & white hair you called distinguished
Which only serves to remind me, that someone has died
& I have lost so much
& still, will have nothing to leave behind

I wanted tell you
It's not because you aren't pretty
It's cause you act ugly
It’s cause you think I am stupid when I act smart
It’s cause you lie professionally, to survive

I wanted to tell you all of this
All you wanted, was for me to buy your drink

If you've had a drink
If ya had a few
Or if you had to think of what ya knew
It's on the brink
Tounges of youth
Indistinct
Tons of truth

Oh where the wayward go

If I had to guess
What would it be
If I had it dressed
in nothing to see
It's on the desk
Naked physically
Caressed tears form
Each one a nominee

Oh where the wayward go

If I found my ships lost
Where do i invest my lumber
The goods have been tossed
Livings the new plunder
I belong to this boss
Calling out my new number
Tithe to the cross
Counting sheep for an exponential slumber

Oh where the wayward go

If I heard your song
If it made me cry
Would the captain be strong
Would you know why
The best & worst wrongs
May deserve to die
But the rest of this route's long
We deserve better inside

Oh where the wayward go

If every page turned
Another plot thickens
False casting endures
Another old man fishin'
Into the depth of the pure
A well of wealth made for wishin
New babies insure
An old one is sickened

Oh where the wayward go
Where one dreams it will
But desires to never know
Happenstance will
Have it's dance
You will have your horse
You will have your show
You will have a friend
You will have an end
Please understand
The wayward just want to know home

I have tried to embraced death once
It had left me numb
Turned out
Oliver twisted & entranced
No tingle
No storybook hope
For a reunion with love
Tuppenance or parlance
Of a mum tongue

Left alone
Responsible
For my actions
Of course
& the actions of those before me
Re-course undoubtedly
Them that dost the shaping
The future representatives
Left Inconsequentially

I imagine what kindling kinship must think
Of my timely deliverance
& movement
How sorry they felt
Discarding my relevance
Like an apple fallen
Far from the tree & left in sight of bruising

Not enough baggage
I am afraid
For the life
Alone
Absent to the words
Without her
Pre-setting & upsetting my dial tone
& how I came to find me
Losing bout to bout
When facing failure & the unknown
Buried in that water
Like the stomach & lungs of the forgotten
Gasping for air in the murk
Choking on chipped teeth & promises
Inaudible moan

Stillness
Have yet to touch death
Only been manipulated
By It's fiery folds
In that water
Beneath the moss
Lies that certainty
I will never know
For who does this child belong too
& I am still just a nervous kid
In lackadaisical search of atonement
Afraid of his own place in the universe
The state
The town
This conversation
& that moment

That which brought you
To your
How can I say resting place
You do not nap
You take loans out on heart strings
You were taken from the factory line
Post haste
Unfit for full scaled production
Shoveled
& packaged antiquity
Into that burden laced case
Left beneath a woman
Or above the boy
You never could face

No it doesnt help to think
Every map I disregarded
Every opportunity to love
I avoided
Cause of me & myself & the departed

But maybe I know
Something you don't
I am alive
& still full of the shocks
& pangs
Shocks of what I will
The pangs of what I won't

i see a figure in the dark 
talons clasped
dripping in blood 
rust
& vermillion
staggering at tearing
exaggerating an overarched tell
a blatant question 
how are you
i see a blind mandala
prayer hands clasped
dripping in tears
of pure salinity
& surging tides
bow hunting in the dark
flowing outward unto a convex well
a patient response
i don’t care
I see a tanned ***** bone
lower limbs clasped
dripping in lubrication
of creme 
& fresh pressed juice
mindful of one moment
misandry in this
a hesitant sconce 
i need you
i see crows feet 
sickly skin 
of snow & sleet
i see a son becoming his father
love of the climb
addicted to the fall
from a widows peak
i see all of this 
& yet 
i am blinded by every her 
after all
half the battle is in the dark

I wish I could warn you about the Salton sea
Of its panicked shores
Of bottomfeeders
Topside once more
It's stenched coasts
Lush green migraines and migration
Boasting of the lives & liberty cost
Drowning in the murk of men’s habitual need
To improve upon ruination

I wish I could caution you to an endorheic basin
Of its perennial purpose
Of many fertile farms
Impregnated by men & their desire to quench desire
It is a natural ****
It is buried deep in the salinity of quest & reason
Give them structure from which to exalt
Give yourself a *******
Working the cracks and the cross of concrete which is potholed & pitted

I wish I could show you a river valley ahead of it’s time
Of its eventual need to exist
Of dependent mockingbirds
& cattled egrets
An uneven ***** on which mother colorado rests your beleaguered complaints
Drink up while it lasts
A memorandum to a family
That dried up the poisoned well

I wish we could fall to our knees
We don’t
We raise our hands to the sky
Take me dear lord
But first
Let me take a selfie
Let me edit my life
Let me apply a filter over this endless malcontent
& then when it isn’t enough
Let me blame you

Suicidal beyond reprieve
Don’t worry honey
It’s not you
It’s me
I was betrothed with this disease
Battered housewife to my brain
The only *****
That will never leave
Me
Is
Me

A woman standing
Blissfully selling deceit
Sun kissed fully
From slender shoulders
To well handled feet
What she is peddling
Is a quick death for you
Which
Of course
Is a crime scene of hope
For me

A woman laying
Down a road of cobbled debt
Jobless & unfettered
Pain
Gracefully understood as necessary
Helps to part the clouds
& lips
Of course the Jameson doesn't hurt
In that moment to forget
What is said
Is set
& time
That *******
Will tell you
I'm the best friend
You wish you never met

A woman bracing
Silhouetted in darkly rash
But honest words
Naked underneath that kimono
Making me speak my promo
Branding a man like me
Unkempt
But well deserved
Ad hoc
You can take from the candy jar
Desire is a form of greed
Only make what you can serve

A woman thinking
Too hard about a man
Who in all regard
Is selfish
A man so allergic to control
& escape
Particularly shellfish
Thinking is the first mistake
Dealing with a copy of an original
A print out of print
Try before you buy
You don't want to sell for less

A woman beautiful
Like the trees in the fall
Littering your mind with challenges
Blowing down a house made of straw
Standing before a man
Outlining perfection
No need of masculine protection
Leaving the scoundrel
***** soaked in awe
This is where you belong
My dear
In the fantasy of it all
Because you mean woman
Which means too much to me
This game we play
Is still too close to call

There is a whole of an old world out there
It is a lemon
Growing on a lime tree
The color of a done deal
Swimming in low spirits
Each peaty drop
A moment
To forget
That which brings tidings
Tidily
Zipper undone
Shoes unwound
Stumbling for infinite
De-frocked of
Protection
Masculinity
Fumbling for Braille
A shuffling of Ativan'd feet
On a rent controlled corner
Cosigned to a binding lease

There is a half of a clasp
One side
Of a broken heart neckless
Cue misinterpretation
Of what is said
Supposedly
Saying something
Reminiscent of the time
She left us
Or left with us
Without saying anything
Words became twisted
Knotted the academic scarves
Infinitely
Interrupting
Breathless
Evicting another tenant
From the tenement's
Of her breast

A wide birth
A wisp of humidity
A will
To want
A want
To won't
A starry night
Presented
In a down pour
A downfall
A magpie consuming the fruit
Of a forever feeling
She hopes you understand

best wishes

we are begrudgingly looking
when we finally see the longing
cooking a better meal
for better weather
a better man
when that old star song came on
in another room
another rain soaked awning
showed you how to add one step to two
bout dancing to the drum of acceptance
feigning your record players existence
instead of fawning

& if wake to find myself
facsimile
stumbling between dark painted roots
hustled against the ground
a green
beleaguered fall
dancing amongst the webs of everlasting done
would my mother be proud
& if I wake taciturn
humbling
at mass & ark
unmovable
a glossy footless boot
rustled away from the boy seen
eager to be washed in it all
slipping amongst the rapids
truncated from the run
would my mother be allowed

I am the hunter gatherer
So I hunt her
To gather her
Collecting love
Fertilizing walls
Endless fiber optic chatter
Every foraged almond
& online date a disaster
What
Resides only in freshly stocked streams
Is the former life
Lived
Not the latter
A modem is the only thing
That makes a heart
Pitter patter

Perhaps there is more than a rose color lightly dusting our water
Perhaps what nourishes is sub conscious dilemma
More than ******* determination
And perhaps it was meant to be a blinding acrobatic light
Dancing through incendiary reclaimed wood
Like old souls
For whatever that means
Repurposed for sympathy, stabilization, and nothing more

The last thing we see
before we go
is the infinite amounts of love, we felt
as the sun shown
& we were blanketed by snow

Perhaps I fear death as an answer to a problem
I'd rather debate
Perhaps it's a question I never asked
Or perhaps that coddled smoldering I feel is your true perch
Wet jeans
And brittled browned elbows, flapping as feathers
Perhaps you will go free
That is to say lightly, with a delirium’s touch
Perhaps I wish to wash you again
In all the epithets that is friends, family
That made me a man
And made us our mothers worst enemy

The last thing we believe
before we go
is the finite amounts of hate, we felt
as the moon rose
& we were blanketed by hubris
& home

The ocean is now far
It's calm
It's lore
Far resigned
Frothing
& overcast
Poor Mighty Joe
Who believed
In the wayward farce
Of sky
& hearth
Waffling tongue first
Upon the spigot
An applejack gait
Childlike & trepidatious
In regards to you
But I am content

The rumbling is heard
Submerged in a greasy
Damp head of hair
Not like his
Not like hers
Gray
& unkempt
Like calk on the basin
Keeping the tide
From pouring over
Another glass
& it'll dry out
Here in the murky
2 feet of water
Red skin & brave
Wrinkles in time spilled
With every clink of the tumbler
Wrinkles in a mind revealed
But I am content

The bath runs hot
Bubbles & lavender multiply
Ice breaking in the steam
Tobacco crushed emotions
All tastes sweet
All desires salt
These are your things
The things
Which I am not supposed to believe
The passion that soaks up the dusk
The poison that sweats out the dawn
But I am content

To remind oneself
There is no thing
Stare at a mirror in the dark
Lack reflection
Breathe in the cracks
Til you can't tell them apart
Drip dry
& tremble
Buttressed by numb tiles
Take comfort
In the absence of
Fine linens
& the abundance of sweat
Be content

A free mind is
A boat out on the sea
In the calm of the storm
Open water & whitewash
The cost
Rowing out
Into a tub
Filled with dirt & soap
The faith of a filthy life
Watching the spiral
Following it
To that
Which waits beyond the walls & pipes
That blathering led you back into the cocoon
Slapping on the walls as you plunged into another drink
The penance
Is a man
Who is not what he thinks
But I am content

You cannot escape the kitchen
without
breaking a plate,
messing about with the cabinets,
or spilling left overs on the granite counter
The hope is
for a broom
& a dust pan
Coated in the soot & crumbs
of the last time you attempted
to make things better
When you danced around
the *****
Listening to Sam Cooke
Salvaging the life
you wish
to proudly call yours
But you notice the pieces on the floor
The ***** pieces you have strangely organized,
as if that organization of filth
would somehow make things better
Make them more controlled
Every piece
a part of your construct
A part of your menagerie
Some pieces you wish you could take back
But they are broken
& some pieces are worth recycling
Unto a better home
A new existence
Some pieces
You just can't be bothered with.

I know choice, like the girded saddle of a mare in heat
Necessity, as the wisdom of generalized minorities
making your American ends meet
Freedom, was the paranoia of my ex loving my best friend and ******* me
Love, is my mother
Cut, paranoid, helpless, determined, political,
a passion for belief
squint in her eyes
Still able to see

And that could be you
Or me
Bare and isolated
Not dead
Nor dreaming
But desiring
Any sense of normality
Stamping our feet deep into a soil
Of those encircling us
Demanding to stay
“That’s ok.
but if you fall, we won’t catch you”

As I spin
I reach for the hammer
A nail
A notion
Slamming around
As I spin
Reaching for the top shelf
An aperitif
An award
A noble sense of self
As I spin
Structured
Braced
By the ballast binding
The bleached white
Shackles of health
As I spin
A lung
Has languished
Lured to the left
Altered angina
As I spin
A hope catches
Me
Off guard
As I spin
I catch myself
On a line
No one is tugging

I awake most mornings
in the afternoon, right on time
drenched in the bean of a valley I’ve never been
plucked from a mountain
I’ll never climbed
my brain has scheduled
random acts of unkindness
partly in the parietal
languishing this limbo
in my limbic
every wrinkle pressed for time
Be more creative
Be less critical
Be more elated
Be less cynical
I’m trying my best
to be more than just fine
scanning my heart and the horizon
for a new infinite
of entombed emptiness
the mountain ahead and the road left behind

He has
Been usurped by barley before
Golden blades
Which willingly widen at the base
Specking and neighing before Euclid’s geometry
Teetering his terrible truth
Before the teeth of the combine

She is
Surrounded by myths of family
Sustained in that old fermentation
What she has is a rare cask
What she wants is a rare cut
What she is offered is not a rarity
What she accepts is the controlled spoilage
Over flowing her half empty glass

He appreciates
This auburn sharpness
Swaying before the wind
As it is bathed at the basin of the sink
Soaked in hydrogen peroxide
Looking at life’s vapid revelations
of her un-shucked past

She expects
To be a queen away from constant cultivation
Though eventually she will be taken from behind
Plucked from some store bought husk
One size too small
The only one left looking ahead
She will then proffer an ultimatum
Sitting atop the protruded spine
Where she will grind out the imperfections of man

He sleeps
As sleeps go
Nestled into that heathered silo
Flecked and bereft of material
Here is
A rest incomplete
Somnambulist upbringing
Allowed for somnambulist #adulting
A paralyzed gasped
Waking to the ghosts & ghouls
That grew deeply from her fertile soil

She dreams
As dreams go
Bestowed princes atop sterling steeds
Bellowed ball gowns
Broken into fables and bandaged brothers
Threshing out appendages
Screaming to be lengthened
Put up on the bar to build the perfectly sculpted ***
A reminder of an imperfect personality
A relationship is the constant reminder of compromise
He will not always make her ***
But more often than she cares to admit
She will always go

But remember
I drink to avoid
Stumbling upright
On the keys
Arguments of my demise ensue
Swirling in darkened puddles at my feet
My stomach rumbles
So it's back to my knees
Back to what I knew
Before there was we

But remember
I drink to be employed
Mumbling something
Anything soft & discreet
Whispering sweet nothings
Grunting & grumbling as I please
My thoughts crumble
Call me the breeze
Those nothings mean nothing
How dumb can you be

Eat that *****
In a climate conducive
To a lack of currency
She will eat you
Inevitably
Swallow that man
In an environment *****
To hopes that last an eternity
He will hollow you out
Eventually

But remember
I drink to an asteroid
Cheers to iridium
Iridescent
Exposing the barren
Craters of defeat
In the daylight
Harpooned by all you see
Dreaming of nooses & nudes
Hanging on the hopes of being free

I can’t remember
Why I drink to devoid
Seared relationships
Inconsolable as to
What I think
So mighty
Is a man
Built in the rewards of captivity
Baited by the lure
Bathing in your sink

Eat that *****
In a climate conducive
To a lack of currency
She will eat you
Inevitably
Swallow that man
In an environment *****
To hopes that last an eternity
He will hollow you out
Eventually

Now I remember why I drink
So heavily
Sub par thread count
Substantially indebt
To a heart that bleeds
Soaked in *****
& campari
The stench of *****
& depravity
Keeps me on my feet
Keeps me warm
Swallowing
Every last drop  
& still
I need
A measure for quality
A plow
An axe
An analysis of seed
Treasuring the fallen tree

These are places you will continue to go
Where the roads are paved with unforeseeable pain
Where  each twist and yellow line
Reminds you of that feeling
Of why
Am I forced to go along with traffic
Of who
You feel is yelling instruction from that passenger seat
A curve of collusion
Following a river of responsibility
Allowing you to race along that valley
To that never ending feeling of this
Isn’t how it should be

this seems different
this ******* terrace
this bottomless bi-way
those stark yellow lines that simply ask we obey
and that we stay in our own ******* lane
that limit our movement but promise safety
amidst the controlled chaos

this seems different
I am the poster child of panic
abstract to the point of alienating
aware most parishioners only fall victim to loving
& listening to long winded rants
asking simply for company and 20% less depression than “normal”
it’s not a lot
but most days I have so little

I ask myself
How many day and night, have I spent languishing on an empty road
documenting its vapid variations
selfish and soliciting online onlookers for attention
hoping to find some connection
some reminder that if you see me, I’ll hear you
and we won’t be alone
But this seems so so so very different

In closing
This could be us
But you’re isolated, on your island
And even though I don’t know you
and even though the hubris of our time,
these prescient moments are… indescribable
You are saving someones life
And I love you