All I've wanted to do these past days is just lie in my bed

My mother always envisioned me as the cheerleader
The pretty pink skirts and teased hair with a bow
She made me do little husky cheer every year until fourth grade
When I finally told her I couldn’t stand it
Instead, I grew into a poet
Writing about her but putting it in a way she wouldn’t know it
I wonder if she is mad at me for not exceeding her expectations
I wonder if she is mad at me for telling my story

Sometimes I hate myself for the way I stared back at him in fear
I hate myself for how scared I was
Now I’m stronger than ever
But then again
He was really angry
And I was really young
He scared me, he truly did
But now I’m older
And I know now
He is just a coward

**** her!
I was scared
She was an adult
I was 10
I was 11,12,13,14
15!
I grew up being molested
I grew up in fear
She’s the one who put me there
Who kept me there
Why?
If she was so scared why didn’t she try to leave
She didn’t even try once
Because she loved him more than me
She didn’t care what was happening to me

i turned eighteen today
the voice in my head had, something to say
“you’ve done so well, 132”
she told me “no one will recognize you”
that was before i lost all self control
looking around i see the ice cream bowl
now all i can do is eat
and eat

Bible thumping
Whipping black leather belts across tender, young skin
Snakebite flesh
One-touch you can’t forget
That’s gentle
Almost cautious
Testing your limits
How long you can go without flinching
Two men, two hells
Trust yourself enough to scream
Fall back and notice that everyone was watching
That you weren't stuck in an unchanging time capsule of pain
Where minutes seemed to last hours
Your hands and legs shook from fright
Shocked, blasted into an everlasting hell
Scream
Louder than him
Run, faster than the truck he uses to take you away
Because you are more worthy than every second he kept you from being happy

My body is decaying with the knowledge that I can’t make it in the world
I wake up after a good twelve hours, aching and weak my only thought, you
I hear your voice in my head drilling me to walk up the stairs again
You tell me every day that you complete me that without you I’d be nothing more but the girl who was miserable with her body
The fat sausage finger girl who couldn’t fit in size twelve jeans
But with you, my dear Ana you’ve helped me drop 30 pounds in four months
I’m in love with you ana, you and your best friend Mia
I am a gray sky, and you are my storm
Lighting and thunder, my stomach roars but I can only hear your voice urging me forward
I eat at home, I take long walks alone
I have a notebook full of excuses that sleep under my bed
My room is a disaster, plates, and cups galore
I am disgusting, I’m hoping that when I reach my goal all of my flaws will fall away
I will be exactly like the pretty, skinny girls I see all around me
I’m cold all the time, it reminds me of when I got locked out in the middle of winter
I walked miles going forward seemingly nowhere
My coat taut fastened across my thin chest
But I was shivering, the unknown frightened me
But now I know where I’m going
You lead me with your deathly bone-thin hand
Outstretched arms you pull me in
My monstrous overgrowth devouring you
You squeeze me until all of the fat melts away
Until I am skinny
Until I am bone
Until I am nothing