I'm dissociating again
I can't connect with my body
My head's just floating in thin air, tired and at the verge of being psychotic
I can't remember what I did yesterday or the day before
I'm anxious, feel like everyone is watching me
I feel the need to hurt myself or worse for that matter
I made plans to end it again
At night nightmares haunt me
At day I feel like the body I'm in isn't mine
I'm scared to get a psychosis
I'm scared I'll suddenly start to lose my grip on reality

There's so much pain
I hate myself so much
And everyone I allow to be in my life will be poisoned by me
I try to protect them
But how can I do that while I'm the one they should be running from
All I cause is pain
There's so much pain
I hate myself so ******* much
I wish people knew how bad it really is
Because I put on a smile and they all think I'm fine
It's like screaming and no one can hear
I'm drowning
I'm what's wrong and there's nothing I can do about it
If I'm not hurting myself I'm hurting everyone around me
How can I solve this without ending my life?
I can't take this any longer
My lungs are filled to the brim
I can't breathe
I just need the pain to be gone
I am the pain
What do I have to change inside to survive, who do I have to become?
I've had enough
There's so much pain
I can't take the loneliness any longer
The isolation I gave myself
I hate myself so much
I need to be gone
I need to be gone
Help me please
I can't take it any more
I can't breathe
I can't ******* breathe

I can feel myself fading away
I've never been something special
But it's like I'm turning grey while the whole world is full of color
It's like I'm being pushed off
It's weird to explain
But I just feel like I am nothing
Like I can dissappear in a second and no one will notice
I want to end it myself before life does it for me
I'm so scared of living
The few years I had on this earth were **** to say the least
I'm nothing special
I'm nothing

Ik heb een onrust in me die moeilijk te plaatsen is
Nog in mijn hoofd, nog in een hokje
Het is niet de goede soort onrust waar je bezig van raakt
Het is de onrust van drie dagen niet snijden, vijf dagen normaal eten en vijf dagen niets in de buurt hebben om mezelf mee te beschadigen
Ik kan niet stil zitten, heb continu de drang om iets de doen
Mijn armen tintelen en schreeuwen bijna om bloed
Ik loop vaak te ijsberen, loop het mooie voorbij
En ja ik geniet, maar het is zo'n chaos in mijn kop
Ik ben op en ik kan niet verder meer, maar met deze drang blijf ik lopen
Je zou kunnen zeggen dat ik de scherpe pijn van een mes tegen mijn huid mis
Je zou kunnen zeggen dat de aansteker, lucifer en sigaret vriendelijk en verzachtend van aard zijn
Daar komt mijn zieke kant naar boven
In deze paar dagen is mijn zieke kant vaker aan de oppervlakte verschenen dan de echte Anne
Ik weet niet *** ik dit stop zonder bloed en zonder pijn
Ik weet niet *** ik leven moet
En nu?

'You're not good enough!' he said while he placed his hands around my neck
'you'll never be!'
I cried, he lied, I almost died that day
Full of bruises I walked home
Smiled to my parents and told them I fell off my bike the day before that
They believed it, they still think that's the truth
'You *****, never talk to another boy again or I'll **** you! ' he said while he slapped his hand against my cheek
I reacted mild, he got wild, I still was a child that day
Full of red marks I walked home
Smiled to my parents and told them I got in a playful fight with a friend
They believed it, they still think it's the truth
And this went on for a few months
I finally found the strength to get out
But it haunts me every day

Her parents are drowning in heroine
While she is taking the Ritalin
To calm her mind from all the stress
Because her parents made a mess
So she takes the pills one by one
Until the bottle is completely gone
And closes her eyes one last time
And looks at it as her parents crime
Now she is in a different place
Somewhere between time and space
Her parents are drowning in sadness and hate
While she is walking to heaven's gate

The urge is getting in my head again
I want to take away the pain
I am the pain
My life is pain
I want to take my life
The voices are getting bad again, the depression is taking over
The urge is bigger and stronger than ever
I'm so ******* scared
I want to let people close to me
I want to tell them
I want it, but the memories and flashbacks are holding me pinned against the floor
I can't tell them
I have to do this alone
I'm not brave enough to keep this fight going
I'm done