What do you even mean
That's not right
You shouldn't be with him.

I don't give half of a ****
About what you have to say
So you won't affect my actions.

Don't worry
When you flip on me
I'm not going to care then either
So don't even waste your breath

When drowning in your own thoughts
You have to be your own life saver.

Because no on wants best for you
More than you.

And I promise
No matter what it comes down to
You'll always be placed second
By everyone around you.

You're responsible for putting yourself on top.

So hold your breath
And swim on up.

Keep in mind
You're just like your friends.

So choose wisely
Because no matter how different you think you are
No one else can tell the difference.

I've learned to live this way
Because of people like you.
Yes you.
No matter how bad of a person I think I am
You are worse.

You take insecurities and
Give me less of a reason to feel safe
Especially behind my back.  

I'm sorry your stupidity probably doesn't understand
What half of these mean.

Ever understood an analogy?

Here it is plain and simple.

Go **** yourself.

What's the perfect guy
If he's not perfect for you

I'm getting used to being alone.
Comfortable with being by myself.

Not in the good way.
Opposite of growing confidence.

Like me building myself up
To having no expectations.

No invitations out.
No boys talking to me.

Unless it's for homework.
Or being *****.


I guess we can't all have everything.
So don't check me off for friends or happiness.

I've never been good at commitment.
My parents tell me I never slept with the same toy twice.

I guess times haven't changed.
I can't bring myself to be with you.

You're too good for me.
And I can't allow myself to be with you.
Because the last thing I deserve
Is you.
Because you could be the best thing that's ever happened to me.
And I can't give myself that.

I don't respect myself enough.
I can't give you some **** to take your gold.

So what I'm trying to say is
We'd never work out.

As cliché as it is
It's me not you.

I can't live up to you.
Don't try to tell me I'm wrong.
Because as soon as you
Take me home to your mom.

She'll say the same ******* thing.
I think it's time to move on.

I don't know why I cry.
It doesn't fix anything.
And there's no one there
To wipe them away
Or at least comfort me.

When I come home
From hooking up
With some boy
I don't have feelings for
And I look in the mirror.

I just know

There isn't a single thing I like about the image I am seeing.

There are so many words in our language.
So many ways to express myself.
A large sum to describe myself.
Joyous just isn't one of them.

Am I truly happy
If I have to
Convince myself that I am?

I guess
I could say
It's not that bad.

Earth.

Because when
I make a mistake
I know that
Tomorrow
When I come home
There will still be
Flowers
On my trees.

So I guess
Some greater power
Shows me
That I still
Deserve beauty.

I have to admit
I like to see an underdog win.

I know that everyone loves a love story
And they're rooting for the soul mates.

But I must be bitterly truthful
Because love is never what it seems.

So I hope it ends now
So your forever broken heart can heal sooner.

No matter how hard I try
To ignore these thoughts within
They are there.
And I can't change how I feel
But I hope to change
How I show you.

I was lonely
And he was charming

He showed me comfort
And you didn't bother to text me

I can't say I regret it
Because you've shown me no reason to.

Just know
that our comprehension
of each other
through communication
is furthest understood
through words.

And words have a limit.

So maybe we
are just beyond that.

Tonight I decided
I really deserve all of this.

It's my own fault
It's my own decisions
It's my own guilt.

Tonight I did something
In which I deserve no forgiveness.

I do not expect it
Because I meant what I did
And when I apologize
Know it has no meaning.

So I guess I don't know what to do anymore

Because my actions of tonight
Will hurt a lot of people.

People that I care a lot about
Or that's what I tell myself.

Maybe that's why.

Maybe my bark is bigger than my bite.
Because when I hug you goodbye
And say love you
It means just as much as my apology.



I'm sorry.









But no sincerity.

But what if this time
When you say goodbye
It really is forever

I think up
This great fantasy
Of moving away

I think that
I need a new setting

But it hasn't taken me long
To realize

It's not this place

It is my mindset.

You are my drug,
And I'm about to overdose.

Everyday I wear a cross
But usually I forget why

I mean it's silly
A big man in the sky
Putting me through some hell
That people call life

I go to church most Sunday's
And ask for forgiveness
For things I intentionally did

I say a prayer each night
Just in case someone is listening
And during the day I'll randomly say
*******

But I guess when the bucket is kicked
I'll find out how stupid I am
Because right now it's late
And very dark outside

I love you, God
I'll talk to you tomorrow before bed.

I am very quickly beginning to hate the person I have become

And everyone around me is assuring me that I have every reason not to be loved

Even from myself

I am not
Scared of
                      dying

And I believe
That's the most
Terrifying thing
I have ever written

And yet it
Is the most
Powerful thing
About me.

I am not happy.
And I don't know why.
But I can feel the sadness inside me.
Like growing dead flowers in my lungs.
I have no one left to blame for my misery.
So I'm feeling very lost.

I've been in the same town for 16 years.
But all of the sudden,
I don't know where I am.
Nor who I'm with.

*Hello. Yes. I think I could use your help. I'm not sure of my location.

Oh. I'm sorry there must be some mistake.
I'm not home.
I would recognize this place.

More recently
I have become a better person.

I have been nicer
And more accepting.

And now I notice
More people walking out of my life.

People that I care deeply about.

So what am I left to do?

Guess I just have to say *******.

I can't tell
If the water flowing
Down my face

Is from my eyes
Being peeled open too long

Or my eyes
Crying for they haven't seen you in too long

I am uncomfortable.
This type of lifestyle doesn't fit me.

I just had a really nice night.
With my friends.
I call them my friends.
Since we have nice times together.
But we all talk **** on each other.
So I guess it's not the nicest friendship.
But we're friends to say the most.
And that's me saying a lot.
This is a normalcy I am sick of dealing with.
So I need to leave.
Because I would much rather.
Be at peace with myself.
Than have a fake happiness.
So hopefully this is goodbye.
Because I am tired of you.

Oh ******* it

I just want to live atop a mountain
And paint what I see
And write a book
And pick my own flowers
And be no where near people
And make things from wood
And warm myself with a fire

And oh how I can't wait to take things into my own hands but nothing scares me more than believing I'm going to ***** it all up.

I always tell myself how I need a change of scenery.
I'm slowly beginning to see it's not the setting I want to be different;
It's the characters.

I want to do something big with my life
And I don't know what that is.
I wish I knew what I'm going to do
So I could get on the right path.

Because right now
The biggest thing I have done in my life
Is **** everything up.

i miss you because we're going on five months of me not seeing your face. it should be four but i couldn't bring myself to visit you in the hospital. i thought oh i'll see him tomorrow. he'll be back then but after that it had been a long time since i heard about you. i assumed all was going well but i have never thought so wrongly. i will never forget the day i found out you were no longer with us. i remember every detail about that day.

it was 11:32 am and he just told me what happened to you. i went to go help a friend but my voice was too shaky to understand. they all stared waiting for me to cry but it was more so of me needing to throw up and give a tantrum. i can recall what a parent friend told me i can't even look at you. the thought of you makes me want to cry. what are we going to do without him? i ran away from her questions just like how i wanted to run from the truth. i've never felt so guilty about smiling trying to hide my pain. i went home and cried for three hours and then my friend took me out and i started to cry because i felt bad for laughing. you could no longer laugh and that wasn't fair. i should have visited. i should have written a card. i wish i would have sacrificed myself for you and if i could have i would in a second. but now we're four months past your funeral service and i still pity myself for something i have no worth to. that's the worst of it all. that i am so sad because you aren't here to make me laugh anymore or give me hugs or cry the saddest cry or tell me made up stories. i miss you, buddy.

i sure as hell i hope i go to heaven just so i can be with you again.

how selfish am i.

When you're feeling really horrible
All you have to say when someone asks what's wrong is I'm tired.
It's always believable and no one cares enough to check further
When really all I think is how badly
I just need someone
To be there for me

I guess it's comforting to know that one day I won't be here anymore.

I like
When I think
About you
Late
At night

Because
You deceive
My mind
To thinking
I'm okay

When clearly
I'm not

You put
My heart
To rest
Thinking
You
Love me
Too

But
You don't
Or else
You would have
Called
Or something

But I
Really hate
Thinking
About you
In daylight

Because
My mind
Is more conscious

And
My heart
Is less
Open

And
When the sun
Is up
Shining
On me

I
Just know
This
Is where
We
Are meant
To be


Distant.

I know my doings are wrong, but I can't seem to stop.

When the world ends,
I'm leaving.

Just because
I don't love you
The way I love someone else
Doesn't mean
I don't love you

I do love you
Just in your own special way
The way
You deserve

Guess what?
I am too.
I'm not ******* happy.
My friend died.
I'll never see him again.
Of ******* course I'm sorry about that!

And you.
You try to tell me
"He's in a better place now."
******* it shut up already!
That's not fair.
I want to be in that better place.
I want to be with him again.
Take me there.
Now.
Please.
I will take my life for this.

Why does he get to be in the better place?
I will gladly go.
Is God just leaving me here to die?
Clearly.
And that is straight ****.
I don't want to be here anymore.
And you take away his opportunities.
When others are not thankful.
And he is the most grateful.

I really am sorry too.

Everyone tells me how I'm the happiest person they know
I laugh the most
And I'm extremely positive

Little do they know
How right they are
When I'm lying in bed
With a big smile on my face
And a tear rolling down my cheek

love is the best horrible thing you'll experience.

I'm not good at anything new.
I hold onto the past.
No matter how badly I want to let go.
I want something fresh.
But my mind won't let me have it.

It's not fair.
I never get what I want.
Especially who I want.
I love this boy.
And he really truly likes me.
Why can't we be together.


******* it.

These nights of staying in
Aren't so bad after all
A little bonding with the fam
Shows you how you can be happy

With family
You always look past your differences
And sometimes
They help you have a good *** time











It's a shame how I can never tell them who I really am.

A genius
Manipulates others
By the others
Thinking they know
What they're doing
And they believe
They're outsmarting their hierarchy