I apologize for everything
Even when it's not my fault.

I guess it's because
No one ever apologizes to me.
And I don't want anyone feel that way.

I sort of feel like I have this artificial happiness.
Smiles on the outside;
Worries and sadness on the in.
Is that how I'm supposed to be?
I guess I don't care.
Because I think I'm kind of happy.

99% of the time I feel like a ****** person

And the other 1% I should feel like a ****** person

I don't know much of anything
I don't know where my life is going
Or who I'm gonna be with
How I'll end up making do
Or anything really else

I do know just a few things
I know I'm a handful
And I know I feel bad for whoever I stay with
I know I'm sadder than I should be
And I know that I should be a better person
Bc I know I have all these great people around me

But I don't know what I have to give them

I know that I'm not deserving of this beautiful life
And I know I always want to cry

I don't know why my friends say they're here for me
Bc I really don't know what I need

I know I want someone to help
And I know I want someone to be there along the way
But I also know I'm not stable enough to stay around

So I guess I do know a little
But they don't help with the things I don't know

So what does it matter if I'm more unaware than I have knowledge of?

So what does it matter?



I don't know.

What I'm doing is stupid
I wish I could stop

So what do you do when someone you once loved
Or whom you thought you loved
Comes back to you
Dangling right in front of you
So close your lips can touch it
Maybe they do
Maybe even a little more than just that

But you realized it's nothing you ever wanted
A lot less than you expected
And an overall disappointment

This guy is a jack ***
But everyone else loves him

So what do you call this
Me pleasing my middle school self
And not satisfying the current me

But also not having the ***** to stop it
Or the nerve to tell him off

How do you end something you only could have ever dreamed for but now that it's here, it's not enough


When the past calls,
Never pick up.

Is this what the time of my life is supposed to be?
High school the best years of my life, right?

So all of
The laying in bed
Restlessly
Until 2 am
Thinking of all the poor decisions
From just that day

And then a little later
You look at your phone
Just to check the time
And it burns your eyes
Because they're so used to being closed
From crying by yourself

And then some time passes
And you realize it's almost 4
But you won't go to sleep
Because you don't think you deserve
To be put out of your misery
From your very own thoughts

It's 5 o'clock and the last tear
Has rolled down your cheek for the night
Because all of the bawling
Caused you to tire yourself to sleep


And then you wake up the next day
And greet your family with good morning's
And you go see your friends
And laugh your *** off
Because they think you're happy

Why shouldn't you be?
What's there to be sad about?
Don't others have it much worse?
Right??

So that's just normal.
These are the secrets of a teen.
It's really amazing.
You should try this sometime.
Because it's over before you know it.

And who wouldn't want this to end?


Cheers to the teenage years.

Thank you,
For judging me
You were only trying to help I'm sure
You sat me down with our tea

And discussed my problems
"I'm afraid what your doing is horribly wrong.
You should be ashamed of being with boys
Only wearing a thong."

I listen to you.
I apologize to you.
I acknowledge you.
I try to explain to you.

You don't understand however.
Which is not fair.
I have a reason for my doings.
All you do is stare.

"Sweety don't you know?
You will be so regretful.
If you stop now,
I promise not to say 'I told you so'."

I hold my tongue but once she's done,
I try once more to be polite.
I am extremely thoughtful with my words.
I even give her some advice.

She talks to me about boy problems.
"I want to get back with him.
Maybe we'll just fool around.
That'll get him to fall for me."

I explain to her that doesn't work.
If anything use me as an example.
Expressing love does not result in love.
"Don't do this to yourself. It doesn't work."

She stands up and speaks,
"How dare you think you know who I am!
I am smart and I do what I want!
I'd never expect you to understand!"

While I do know more than she,
I am posed as a threat to her plot.
I was just trying to be helpful.
Avoid her sorrows I thought.

"I can't believe you of all people say that to me!
You're the one hooking up with someone you no longer love!"
She walked out and left.
Her words were true.

It upset me
She didn't comprehend why
She wouldn't let me describe my problem
It was hurtful

I stopped speaking to her
Just for a little while
I guess you could say
It was to get my point across

The next time we spoke
She told me a story
Of her and a boy she never met
And what happened when she got tipsy one night

I was mad
She told me what I was doing was atrocious
Yet she did worse
And I at least know my companion

The way she spoke to me saddened me
The way she didn't notice me saddened me
The way she played off her act of trash saddened me
The way she first judged me saddened me

The way she thought things were the same upset me
The way she expected acceptance upset me
The way she thinks we are besties upset me
The way she acts, higher than everyone, upset me

But this is how friendships are, right?
Friends treat you like ****, right?
But they expect more than the world back from you, right?
This is just a ****** life, right?

Late at night
You look up
A clear sky so to speak
Crystal clear -
You can see to other galaxies
Billions of stars
Millions of planets
All waiting for some recognition
Or to be found
I guess I, too, come out at night
For these same things.

So maybe we aren't all so different.
Alike in our emptiness
Along with our vastness
And also our sadness.
Yes we have our own variations.
Maybe in looks
Possibly in styles.
But we are more the same than anything else.

By my size or the way I dress you may judge.
But you must see a little bit of me in you.
How similar we are
Sitting out late at night
Looking for just something.

The rain hits windows.
As I hear it; I think more.
I am not happy.

Who are you to say
What is right and what is wrong
We are all equals
But your words seem to have power over me

Who are you to say
What is acceptable and what is unjust
Us both are the same
But your speeches are sharper than any knives

Who are you to say
What is allowed and what is incorrect
Neither you nor I are greater than another
But you seem to say how below I am of others

My mother keeps dropping hints
About the increase in size of my waist
About the decrease in space between my legs
"Are you really going to eat that?"
"You shouldn't be snacking that much."
"If you're hungry, you should probably just drink water."
"That won't digest well if you eat it now."
"You know that's going straight to your gut."
Sometimes in the silence of our house late at night I can hear her whispering, "You're not good enough."

I love you too, mom.

It's funny how someone else's life can be taken away
But it takes away some of your own life
It's comical how people throw words around
Like they're the pitcher in a baseball game
It's hysterical how happy I look while laughing
And how hard I sob at night
It's hilarious how my friends don't think I know
All of the things they say when I'm not around
It's down right awful how I can never tell anyone any of this
Because I'm known to be strong