he pushes my hair behind my ear
and asks
"is this romantic?"
he would not have to ask
i am driving in my brothers car
half a tank of gas
a strangers hand on my thigh
he says
"this is a tumblr thing isn't it"
i wish it wasn't a "thing" and just was
i make sharp turns
i make wrong escapes
our conversation ends in
the heat of the afternoons burn
he touches my face
compliments it as smooth
but our drive is bumpy
his voice is unsettling
i smile and he squeezes my face to his
"can i kiss you?"
so i give in
i let it all go
i have wandered between empty fingers
too long to know it's not the destination
it's the drive

he wont be there in the morning
i will turn to my right
& his sweetness won't infect me
inside and out he is warm
his plump lips pursed
he snores but denies it
he has infected me
my mom studied microbiology
she doesn't know how to fix me

he wont be there in the afternoons
crisp leaves crunching under toes
hands in another's pocket
i always forget my mittens
head on a different shoulder
eyes on a different lake
i bet that lake is prettier than ours
my dad studied geography
but he never told me
this lake is melting

he wont be there in the evenings
bundled in sweaters and blankets
a pizza between us both
another shoulder to drool on
your eyes looked different
in the light of each dark night
my brother he's been labeled an artist
but he couldn't draw up
dark eyes like yours

Here,
i am slowly learning
that i am slightly more deserving
than what i’ve been given in my past
I am always on the right track
onto the next practical coordinates
and i no longer believe in crossing paths
i am a believer in destinations
that is the confidence and pride speaking
when i plan the journey ahead
i am good with direction
not hindered by crossed roads
not the path less travelled or the path created
i am not on your maps
distance is what i have asked for
time and time again i have fallen from a cross road
i am where you cannot find me
you can’t find something you can’t recognize
here at a dead end and still continuing
i am not on any path, but I am
Here

i held onto your lips through tears
as if they could cure the moment
held salvation and cancers demise
solved the wars in syria and my mind

i held onto your neck through tears
and i couldn't quite let you go
like easing off a high from heroine
withdrawing from everything i knew

i held onto your hair through tears
in a park id been broken up in before
words ringing through my brain
a deja vu i didn't want to romanticize

i held onto your arms through tears
dizzy, afraid, petrified, confused
how do i run to a friend for help
when you've been my only one for so long

i held onto your lungs through tears
as you bit back the air escaping your sob
this is where the road ends, our nightmares
we both seem to plan for the worst

i held onto your eyes through tears
i didn't want you to stop looking at me
forget who i was to you, who i am to you
don't you see that i'm yours, i am yours

i held onto your words through tears
in bed repeating your quivers, the goodbye
when the last thing i said was i love you
it wasn't because you were scared

it's because i was

do not get too close
to the one you love
for they have out grown
what you may become
they have their own thoughts
opinions may vary
love is grand
but it can be scary

icarus loved the sun
he gallantly flew
to hold what he loved
to find further truths
he just got too close
what can one do
love is something dangerous too

when you love someone
don't get too close
their thoughts are their own
their space is uncut
be cautious with your questions
your proximity can lose
but don't get too close
you might get burned too

it is like i'm being pushed away from myself
my brain hoping to be tethered down
but i always seem to forget to buy the string
and i will lie endlessly in bed
wondering when i last had seen myself
time moves so slowly here
i can't even find the time lines
or a rhythm
or a reason i don't deserve this
i deserve this

i no longer know if this is a personal torture
or a lesson i forgot to have learned
but it's awfully lonely here and i forget that
girls are suppose to be "social creatures"
i guess i'm not the only one here after all

accompanied by suppressed thoughts
whispering secrets and love me not's
that i never even knew were happening
somewhere in the background, week after week
collecting all my mistakes and inner comments
to shot when the times are the worst
making it two weeks unscathed
with half my wits left

that's a good week

you are fast asleep
in your own personal storm
as i sit in my own
the realities have swept me

you are so sweet
i have developed a sweet tooth
your love solid
i need it's guidance too

you are always there
constant, forgiving, patient
i am somewhere else
distant, rising, uncontrolled

you are centred
managing the moments that pass
i am running for them
finding out they had already gone

you are cautious
mostly of me and how i see
i am working
on being more vocal

you are mine
i will never understand that wonder
you are something else
i wish to be the better version of myself