I cut my face the other day to make a cool scar.
Ive done it on my chest a few times no problem but the blade was rusted and dull. This was a proper razor so i didnt account for the sharpness and made a ******* fissure on my cheek. I put some scotch tape on it and went to go grab my mail. The lady grimmaced, i said "yeet".
to my close acqauntences i said it was a cat.
"******* vicious cat" said jimmy john.
My life is that dull.

Green onions go in macaroni salad
not the white ones. It's too bitter otherwise.

We love you alex trebec.

why even write

                         I don't need to explain.

I watch the windowpain,
I  dip into a black sun.

what the **** is the problem,

yu drive me home ******* 6 times? and call me a ******* sweetheart and you're too busy? just to spend a little ******* time ? you dumb ****? I ******* hate you and hope you ******* burn in hell after I cut your ******* head off you ******* *****

                               took a shower,

laid in bed,
drinking some JD I don't care.

first time in about year,
I 'm boring and have no vices.         life is boring .
                     I should have
been

a killer,
I would have respect.

                                 I  don't need                                              

this           any                                                 more


heart
like                           solid ice

Feeding the geese in a storage pocket
Fasten up your hands
The wide open window doesn't screen
nor do I yell at them.
Bludgeon them with a sickle,
Take out my eyes and put in a new soul.
I want to dream like Moses in a ****** sea

Writing poetry when you have no audience is madness,
It's like the schizophrenic transient babbling about spacecrafts
But the second you put him on a TV show
It's genius

The sale extends until wednesday.
Many styles in women's sunglasses

the   hobo      scram  


with the eagle face tattoo.

bitter wine and 2cent   deodorant.

the suitcase with linen shirts     and a dreamstation  ---   ****** up?
****** up?

***** **** with the crucifix? and the hotdog seizure?

you cut my **** up
like a   ((()))

spending money on your ham.

baby
got me a    tan  --- -   1056   i aint garden fool.

packed up     in      lentil  bean   gravel.   on a road less traveled .    2 words add up
to a    diatribe.    get more
sunlight

Brain is full of ****
Feel like I'm looking at a ***** mirror
This screen
seems smudged even though it isn't
the words are spinning in faint coherence

Im so tired of it all
I'm not even 30 & I already feel condemned.
I keep losing friends and acquaintances and 'love' and continue to rot
    in still motion.
I'm flabby and muscles are beginning to atrophy;
My cat ****** on my leg.
I ****** a hamster
And some drifter for a ticket to moulin rouge.
I took a risk the other day though; I'm going to set out and travel. It's what I've always wanted.
See the world from the eyes of a stranger.
I've dreamed 10 lives and I have another 9 to waste.
And this one was given away

I feel bad because I'll never be what you want me to be.
The problem is that I genuinely don't care and I guess that's why you're attracted to me. I'm perpetually out of reach and indifferent and
I don't feel compelled to keep you around nor reach out, but when you leave for good that's when I'll miss you. That's when I'll regret not having done more to hold onto you.
It's a trait of psychopathic narcissism;
I love the idea of being loved, but actually being in love is too much. I cant give you that power even when I know you only meant good
And now I have nothing, because I refused to receive even when you were prepared to give me
Everything

Do you feel any better when you've been stuck inside?
Do you think it hurts me?
The only thing that hurts me is
a dead bluebird when I'm walking to work at 5 am.
I dont care who you ****, or how you parade yourself.
I'm a man now. Only the boy would have been bothered, because he couldn't bear to be alone with his thoughts, unperturbed, resiliant; he needed company.
Now my thoughts are company.
Now the wind has something to
say, and I listen

I'm living in a sort of dissociated daze
I don't feel real. I don't feel the warmth or love or intimate affection that I used to amongst supposed romantic partners. I feel detached and dizzy, ill.
I've gone through this before however, countless times. Numerous personality changes. I was different a month ago, more assured, more positive and in a spiritual frame of mine. Now I'm slightly nihilistic with a lingering fantasy for homicide; I wonder how it'd feel stabbing and gutting someone because I know it'd be like stabbing myself; we're all manifestations of the same spirit (energy). You're me, and I'm you. When you take a **** in the morning , I feel you expending that waste.

But this is rambling. I guess the point is im here and I'm getting tired with these life circumstances. I am merely existing;, and the remedy is to live spontaneously. I don't want to die with regrets. I made it to 30 (almost). Time to see if it was all worth it. But really it's nothing too serious. It's a joke really; give up, and find freedom. Let it all go, let all the prejudice die. Youre not what society or your parents expect from you; you are a being of free agency, alive and in the present, beautiful, fearless, unmolested, still born

Youve been stuck In a lift we've been trying to reach you for hours
The power has been cut
And the doors wont pry

  What is your name, do you feel Ill?
Where are your parents?
What do you do?

Press the button to the bottom floor,
And be on your merry way
There is no resolve

She's a new mother
and she's a beauty

Full of anxiety and uncertainty
I kiss her slow
  and feel the etchings on her arm

We drink a little bit and then do some other stuff.
The TV is annoying so I turn it off

When the day it awakens I remember
That
I never got to meet her,
I only dreamed of her and that's where she'll stay because I don't
get to meet any *******
   manic pixie

See these circus families come up in their SUV's snatching up the last of the real estate, desperate clowns
The market is garbage here in California and I'm in effect a holdout, a refugee seeking asylum

But theyll buy these dinky cabins in the mountain
& During 1 winter season roll a snowball and snowman
then retreat back to the plains. Gutless; those who live here only do so because they have no choice,
why is that so hard to comprehend

Crumpled up and tossed in the garbage, you had no chance

A heart too big and too much care, you had no chance

Feet that only carry you to a grave, you had no chance

Eyes that see only memories tinged with pain and remorse, you had no chance

Childlike wonder and fruitful vision, you had absolutely no chance

this is one of those no-hesitation days, seeping with sorrow and ache and gloomy sadness.
If you had a 12 gauge by your bedside you'd understand what I mean by no-hesitation

Just told the person who'd Id cradle in my arms and whose head I'd rub and whose tears I'd wipe when she was having a panic attack to go
**** herself.
Just told the person whose stomach I would kiss and whose thighs I would caress up and down that she's a fat ugly *****.
Told the one person I'd confide in all my insecurities and whose sense of humor would have me laughing hysterically to never talk to me again.

It's all warfare, and there are no victors.
I'll just collect the remnants of my happiness and try to walk stoicly into the sun

I envy those who cry

I only cry when I'm drunk or high.
I just end up laying here lonely and empty in a literal cabin in the woods where I walk to my **** job to work with other miscreants and talk about dull Netflix movies.
I was a child with dreams. I wanted to be a rockstar before I started to hate what it all means. So I just sleep instead.
I sleep without dreaming
I talk to no one.
I don't even hate anymore.
I just sit like a shell and eat my trash and stare outside.
I want none of this
I just want to lay down for good

I sleep naked in my covers
With my window wide open
And the fan blasting with
The stink of September
& It's minstrel children parading through the lounge garden

When I'm still awake
I make a biscuit with Jam
And drink unfiltered coffee grounds
To cool off my sores
& Rinse my eyes

These puddles are now & the women have never been more ugly.
We're all
suffering

I can't look anymore all

All I see are dead lizards and gaping holes



The lonely watchman takes his drag; what was your name

Grace

thank you lime green
swimming pool with turtle neck doves that **** on  toddlers by the faculty
gym


thank you merica
  
  thank you iran

thank you god
  thank you
blm
  
thank you blt

  thank you mayo and chipotle sauces
   thank you my shoes for which I trample  blind mice
  thank
  you fathers of the land
  thank you  the dust which never settles and the hand which slaps .
thank you ,
liutenant dan . thank you  
          swallowers

the only thing stopping you from greatness is the fear that
others
won't find you great

Depression is where sadness is no longer comfort.
You lay like a corpse on your recliner and the flies buzz around and the food tastes like ****
And you can *** 30 times and you may as well ****** in a jug.
Your hair is messy
And your eyes are strained and the neighbors are yelling and there's a thin blue film which covers everything.
depression is like dancing without a song
And without anyone to care when you've fallen flat on your back
And the windows won't open and the carpet is grey

there's a guy at work who just says his name like a pokemon would
and it's ******* hilarious.

HAMMEEED

HAMEEEED


HAMMEEEDD


I AM HAMEED I WILL GET THE SALAMI
THANK YOU FRIEND
HAMEEEEEEED.



smells like diarrhea in a gentle rain
and looks like a turkey after gender reassignment surgery
while having an ******* in an October blizzard


but his tongue is  grey
and so is his hat

HAMEEEEEEEEED


HAMMEEEEEDD.

dumb ******, but his hat
is grey
so I don't judge
and he
picks up worms for cheap when he's still ******

Do not tell me to watch my mouth,
if you're cold
then go grab a blanket

I am a nothing man,
I sore amongst the eagles. I play with the itinerate dish wash band, I plant my seeds in the field of excess.
I watch your governments crumble and your
women ***** themselves for pocket change;
I see the rolling hills and the divide and cascade and assorted minutia.
I may not have much but I have time, and time only exists in the mind. So why cry

I never saw someone so angry.
It must be true. No-one ever wanted to just go on a hike with you and bake brownies and
play uno with you before with no expectations.

I didn't even kiss you until the 3rd date, because you were too drunk, and I felt like it would be scummy.

& now I see the rebounding dorks hitting you up,
saying ''when we hanging bae?''

I hope you have fun. I hope you treat the next guy better, and I really mean it, because you made me feel like a ******* chump.
you made me feel like I wasn't enough when  I am absolutely enough.
You made me feel invincible
and then proceeded to break me down to nothing.
  I  won't be
a victim,       no longer.       I won't be a  fool.  Thank you, for the
lust

I need to prioritize my health again and that means
mental health  too
.

That means absences from all the calls,
and time wasters; people looking to be strung along because they can't find their own path.

you need to detox,
and it takes a lot of self-reflection and
BOREDOM.

boredom heals in the same way starvation
cannibalizes
a tumor through autophagy. give yourself some

time

I don't want to love anymore,
because at some point, someone wants something that the other person can't
provide

it's never enough.

'I don't talk enough',
' I don't make enough',
'my friends are annoying' , ' I had previous girlfriends prior to you that make you jealous or something'
'I'm too affectionate'
'I drink too much' , 'you do this, you do that'
I'd rather just not be a part of it.
you want to be 'friends', but you know that could never happen.

there's nothing to gain by friendship, you need my
heart

But it didn't feel like enough. The yogurt was dry and the gaurds would bash his head with a mallet. He carved "deceit" into the walls and gargled with soap.
Push ups for days, and sit ups until he was a man.
13 deaths isn't anything as long as you're free.
The bars would not budge, and steel doesn't rust

I then went back up stairs and continued to knock the door for 2 mins and yell as loud as I could; no response so I charged through the door and the hinge flew off and the frame splintered in pieces and I grabbed the **** from the throat and pulled him to the floor from the toilet and he gasped for breath.
"You ******* OD'd you *******" I said to him.
This **** is grey, and they don't care. I just prolonged the inevitable and he was angry,
Maybe because I broke the door maybe because it didn't matter

I look at the star 50,000 light years away.

I ask,

why did your father put me here?

Friday I'm in love,

Tuesday

im in dread,

wednsay
dont even say,

thursay

is another day,

Saturday
why,

sunday,

go away.

today is just a cloud, a smoggy
OC
blue bird in the dust.

I touch the shoulder,

so many dead people that I could cry. another neck to weep on, another back to caress, another
cheek to kiss,
another hand to hold---
we walk back to the hill.

dawn in the early hours.

   my  first kiss,  your big green eyes, in the stars,  I hold you tight and the sun smiles.

I walk back so happy,
and the car coughs, and the house just laughs. I want to be somewhere else.      I want to be
where the leaves don't turn brown,
in the ashen fall.


behind the gray fog, where love isn't just a meme, where love isn't just a word,

a word for shmucks. I want to feel again. feel your heartbeat;

but for now I count to ten and there's no-one to blame.

back to the street clogged adolescent suburbia. buy what you can, fill what can't be filled,
you are
still here


here


here beyond words in the   lonely wood

I could travel 100000 miles spanning all continents meeting countless people and encountering numerous obstacles and happenings but I'd ultimately still be stuck with myself.
Maybe that's why the wanderlust wore off.
You cant run from yourself, but merely distract yourself.
Sitting feels like dying but traveling feels like futility to reach a destination of which you never arrive.
But i keep searching nonetheless. Maybe the trick is killing yourself.
metaphorically of course. Complete detachment, dissolving into space like a
Low murmur

liquefied time and the absense of material location.

I'll still be there.

I'll still be here

It's like putting your hand to a flame when you're sitting in a barren room.
My brain is rotting and all my relationships turn to **** but I'm ready for the pain.
Crying my eyes out and getting drunk and slashing myself made for some dark miserable moments but they were so impactful and poetic in their own way.
Now I rot and there's no sorrow to distract me.
A cold dusty fog envelops my heart and I slip into apathy.
Void of pain and emotion all together, it is truly death. Not being. I want to live. I want someone to care. I want someone to love me. I want someone to hate me. I want someone here

hippy cracking his head,
just getting in the way as usual.
  they always get in the way; talk, never doing, at their investment firm
talking, then preaching  of world-unity and sustainability.
a generation of liars . punks had no pretense. to burn out, and not fade away
hey hey
my my

I'm gonna start excising just because I want to look like a viking warrior, something that hearkens back to absolute masculinity and
where men were praised for being fierce rather
for being nice.

where an ugly face was a sign of strength.

just an illusion that seems ideal.

buff yet ugly,

hideous yet
indestructible,


contemptible but
proud.

****** but not necessarily angry-

more like wise

Toothless
Fat

Hobbit.

Tip toe along a grey road; pick roses; pick plums.

TV on at 3, but most likely youtube.

I told my friend about my burthday.

I feel the carcinogens in my lungs.

I hit a new PR on close grip.

I have thoughts at 2 miles an hour.
I drive a Scion.

I blast suicide boys with my brother to be edgy but really like cannibal corpse.
I won't live to 50.
I'm sorry to no one.
I have a head ache; I cook meat, with hair.
You will one day be proud.
You will dance in
a pool of rain
you will be loved, love like fantasy, not
Truth. There will be roses in the corridor, and
leaves in the cellar like a dim hallucinaton in moonlight

1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5 6 Sven
1 2 3 4 5

I'm grateful to be an artist.
As difficult as this life gets, to the point of grappling daily with the prospect of suicide, at least I know what my purpose is.
Most die never having known what they were supposed to do or why they were born.
Let your art be your
guide, and savior. It's the only
One that listens.

Nobody belongs to me
You don't belong to me
I wish you did, I wish this was permanent but love is temporary like life itself
It's conditional
I get sick and withdraw as a result and I feel you pull back
I see your performative displays, pictures for everyone but me
Attention elsewhere the second I don't supply it
And I'm content;
I already knew this, but it still hurts.
It hurts knowing that all we built were words
You'll never be mine,
It was just my turn

Just a perpetual sadness
Pure light out here;
In total illumination
And the darkness settles further into my
Cage
I am
A hospitable host

cant

think of it now


as you lay

in dusty
mist

and mountains surround your head
like a

granular headset.


prying these eyes open in the morning


is a wonderful dream
when you have money to waste,

mostly your stockings are still wet from the juice on the counter.

haven't smiled in 2 years.

laughter is just laughable at this point.


dave is your ***** and I knew it all along--

but I still sit at your altar when you pray to other holymen.


am running on steam,


and am slowly losing my cool.

COOL.

cool

cool


cool.



houdini never needed a crowd
just
the attention

got
up yesterday

and took
a ****

straight into a

can of heinz baked
beans

then placed
back into the freezer.

some days down
the line

an acquantence
found the beans
and took a bite
and complimented my culinary ability.


branches
were swining outside
from the coming
hurricane
and few
lizards
rolled underneat the carpet so as to escape the elements
and absorb the warmth.


suzy
is still crazy,

but she died in december.

george is ugly
like a cancerous bat-faced
ectomorph
but has a heart of gold.

larry is just a ***-

and he knows it.


but some nights
i still cuddle
with dawn
and speak to the mermaids that kiss me goodnight
as i stroke myself
to sleep
in a dull
memory
and voided
receipt that is the 'hour of beguilement'.

sentimental.


an absolute mess.



who am I?

who am I?

who am I?



sitting in some room,

bleeding black dust.


my tongue is full of LSD,

bad trips,

but nothing takes me out of this place.


I'm always stuck.

always stuck.



always on the short bus,

always behind,

always 2nd in line,

always 3rd to the date,

always the 4th leg in a table.


when will I get what I deserve?


when will I get some lee-way in my diarrhea-existence.


GOD

I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!

******* ANSWER.





crying in a gown in a broken cubboard.

crippled boy.

crippled smile.

crippled soul.



crippled spirit---


how dare you
have hope

Set
The schematics for the bomb, insert the nails and tie a little bow.

Hot shower, rent paid, isolation, isolation,
In a green tent.

Have my sweats on go back to cloud 9 baby.
Jump off a bridge, and hope for the best.
No love

Going to oregon
buying some acres
.

Buying a pet

Buying a shed

Buying a home in the hills with the dead spring gardens and gumdrop suns and making a life
where time stands still behind trees

saving up

Saving up


With myself

the bills pressed in pillows
The saints plead for mercy
I had so
Much time to

            Be

To be

     Me

i wear my skin
like pearls from a
   string

I wear my skin like silent dusk

I wear my face like loose fog

I wear my pain like dripping skies

I wear my sorrow like fading night

And pray to human
tragedy

What else can i do

What else can i be

Ohhh
too sensitive.

I'm depressed and get told to cut my wrists. That hurt because I have.
I need to stop being an idealist ,
Maybe I thrive on pain but it gets a little old.  I just wanna drift by on good vibes.
Tired of the suspense
I don't need the suprises. Give Me the shot to numb, and in the morning recall your life.  Not a test, just a sad dream

Zzzzzzzz

looking onward towards death. Nothing in my head but rain. Nothing in my heart but shade. I know who i am and it took only a few years to know; no more searching,  just becoming

I can't feel my toes due to the lack of a circulated hot air system delivering heat within this space.

My breath blows and is visible like Puzuzu

I take out a solid white piece of paper and make a few scribbles.
The names are written and spell out the
people I used to care about , which is about 1 too many