I've had a long day, seems to be an even longer night

Dealing with you, but not you

I'm actually dealing with all of them

I'm actually also dealing things other then you

I'm dealing not drugs, but death sentences if I can't fix myself onto the track I'm just going to derail myself of later anyway

Each and every day I wake up with you on my mind

I wish you a good morning and tell you a daily reminder that you're beautiful and I love you

I know you won't be able to respond until much time has passed, but I can wait.

Time is but a tool I'll use in my favor

Time is for mistakes to heal, choices to be reconsidered, thoughts to be gathered.

I'll see you later and ask how you are, how was your day, and I don't always get the same response, but either way


I'm glad I can still talk to you at all

While some things are fleeting, I hope this is forever

Whether we're hanging out with a group or just the two of us, I may not show it, but I'm loving every second

If only we weren't just voices and faces heard and seen from a monitor

If you asked me what addiction meant to me, My mind would first go to maybe some drug, or a junk food, people get addicted to those, but

I'm really just addicted to you

I'd say I can't explain how I really feel, but I've actually tried to do it several times.

Your smile is something I'd like to wake up to on a calm summer's day

However I know that it's just me that feels this way

Is there even a way to really find myself,

If I'm still trying to find you

I wish I could ask my friends for advice on a topic that boggles my mind, but I don't want them to see the stress I'm under

I wish my I could see my friends tell me exactly what to do, without knowing what I'm doing

How do I go on about this, I'm so worried I'll mess it up. I need to take

One

Two

Three

Quick breaths to keep calm. I'll figure this out somehow

Another smash of my glass house

Another set back

Another realization

Another worry

Over 2 small things

Small to them

Do I even have the right to be upset

Do I have the right to feel the way I do

I want you to have happiness so I sacrificed my own

And now I'm at this all time low

I'm just hurt, confused, and tired.

You told me you could take it

I didn't believe you

You said I was a liar

I didn't believe you

You said I was unaffected

I didn't believe you


You told me you were sorry.

Are you really though

Around friends, you're cool and confident

Around her, you're unsure of what to say

Around your best friend of 7 years, you know exactly how to make them smile

Around her, you just have to be there for her... even when you don't know how to begin helping her

Around a large group of people, you're able to make friends fast and get to know them

Around her, you struggle to ask her what she likes to do.


Why do you act so differently when you're

Around her.


You're nervous, its okay.


Around her, you feel happy

Around your friends, you can't talk to them about your deep feelings and desires.

Around her, you'd share everything

When you're around her, she is your everything

I hate that thing

I that my mind is so focused on that, THAT. That of which I could end up horribly from

But I can't think of it being anything else but that

I don't see any other option then that, I just believe that, it's my key to happiness is to that.

What's your THAT

Mine is, well. Truth be told, it's just, THAT.

I can't stop thinking of you

and that beautiful face,

with the prettiest eyes I've ever laid my own upon.

I can't stop thinking of you

and your voice that just takes me straight to heaven

while I can hardly do much else but type.

I can't stop thinking of you

and that personality that I can't get enough of,

The humor is endless and the beauty I see goes on forever

It's like meeting your best friend for the first time and having that moment of the best joy you've ever felt,

Except with you I have that feeling everday

I can't stop thinking of you,

I like having you in my thoughts

I can keep you safe there for now, at least until I can hold you in my arms for real

I can't stop thinking of you....


And I don't ever want to stop

I feel..... Relieved.

I think.


I feel as if this weight has been lifted of my shoulders.

Although, this invisible divide is still there slightly. Unsure of whether if it wants to leave my mind

I guess I'll just see where it goes, if it goes anywhere at all.

Hopefully it won't just remain there forever

If love was a currency, I'd be in the top one percent

If loneliness was a currency, I'd be an ever changing stock market broker, constantly fluctuating between being at the bottom and the top


If my feelings were a currency, only one person would be rich because they seem to have control over them all

I normally get a decent amount of sleep, but lately that isn't the case.

I could say it is because my brother is loud when he plays his videogames late into the night, but I know how to tune him out

I could say it is because I'm hungry from not eating enough, but I ate enough at dinner.

The biggest problem keeping me awake, is also the quietest.

My thoughts may be silent to others, are booming to me, my doubts and my fears materialise before my eye.

Why haven't you gotten this?

When will you do this thing that drags at you?

The darkness is warmth, it is peace and quiet and I can rest away my troubles, but my mind's voice refuses to let me slip away into the night to rest

I don't want to hear that I will.

I want to see me doing it

I don't want to hear that I'll get through this

I just want it to be over

I don't want to be in the dark

I may as well go into the light

Fight your own **** battles

Don't send your little army after me

Those you've manipulated before me

Those that'll suffer the same fate as me.

Fight your own **** battles

Be the adult you wish you could be.

You wouldn't go out of your way to make a random person on the street happy

For a friend like them, you'd spend the entire year devoted to making them feel happier

Would you put off other important things in your life for a stranger's needs?

For her, you would in a heartbeat

Would you try and give your advice, even though you knew next to nothing on the topic?

For your best friend, you'd try your best and wish them well

Why do we devote all this to a friend?

......

Because a friend would do it for you

The words I spend the most time writing, never actually appear before the eyes of anyone besides my own

I have to write them, but they won't be said

They reveal the side of me I hate

The side that is scared

The side that is selfish

The side that wishes it could be free.

I will bring these chains on my back as long as I go

Why do I have to be the only one alone

No I don't mean that I don't have friends or family.

I mean why does my brain make meeting someone special and being in a relationship with them such a concept that I can't grasp

Why do my hands and mouth slip at the chances I get, why do I hesitate until too late and my chance is foiled by none other then myself

She gave me a chance after no one else would

She gave me a chance when I thought nobody could

It's in my grasp and I can almost taste it

You always leave me guessing what your true intentions are.

Sometimes I love it


Other times, not so much


I'm not able to even think straight at this rate I'll just act like I'm 8 and full of hate can't escape this thunderous roar of feelings, quite concealing whether I'll get to the road that leads to you

I'm nervous but also like

I'm woah **** I'm excited

But I'm calm and collected

Although I'm also like

Losing my ****, is this really happening?

I can't wait

I figuratively can't wait

I literally have to wait

I'm a bit worried, I'll admit

Today wasn't all that compared to other days but any day with you is a good one

Sometimes I wish I had no self restraint, no self control.

Just give myself over to my inner emotions

Say that thing that's been aching on my mind for too long

Tell them that enough is enough

Stand up for the friend that doesn't think they're worth it

Just get in a car and drive to my destination

Just fly away from this problem

I wish I could have confessed sooner

I wish I knew where I stood in your eyes

I wish I could just reach into your mind and get a glimpse without actually having to ask and possibly not like the answer


Sometimes you have to do things you wish you couldn't normally do

Sometimes you have to not do things you wish you could do

I wish my feelings weren't just toys in your child's playset

I'm honestly dedicated to this goal, but your goals may not match mine

I'm worried this feeling might be allowed to grow,

Will I make to your next show?

I wish I could make you see the world as I do, see my intentions to the letter, my passion flaming high

I wish you understood that I'm sorry if I ever made you feel uncomfortable,

I blame my lack of knowledge

I blame that I don't know which of the thousands upon thousands of words in my vocabulary to choose from that will make you feel at ease

I blame myself for being who I am

What do I have to change to be better

Not a huh?

But just a

huh.

I read that

Don't know what to do bout' that

Can't say much on that

Wishing you the best

Can't comprehend it all

Huh

I've never let the thought of going into the military get too far in my mind, it is a serious commitment, but depending on how my life turns out I may just need that

The military teaches you many things,
And being weak isn't one of them.

You have to be strong, both physically and mentally, You are the wall upon which the enemy falls

You have to be smart, both in the words of a book and the words used in the common street

I like to think I'd meet lifelong friends in the military if I joined, friends I know will have my back and protect my life as I do theirs

Although I don't think of this is a first choice, I want to be able to have a calm life, not one stuck in a trench seeing bullets fly overhead from insurgents, maybe I'll do something technical, get a degree even.

Who knows, I'm young so I have time.

All it takes for some is a single blot of doubt to make me want to scream

I ignored it for as long as I could but I can't any longer

It feels as if the path I'm taking may seem right to me, it is a corrosive acid that destroys what I hold most dear and if it doesn't get the thing it wants it will ruin me

Why won't the rain clouds go away?

I hope I never have to publish this, I'm only writing this to vent, but if you see this poem then know I'll be fine. I just need time to accept all that's happened. May take a day, a week, month, or maybe months. However I'll bounce back. I usually do.

I thought we'd be fine, but you're going to be petty and annoying about it.

You're going to be ever the child.

You ignore me every where else but here maybe.

I should thank you for all the frustration I get from you

You wanna be like this? Fine


I've tried to remain nice but if you're gonna be true to your name. Then so be it.

I remember talking to them

I remember making them laugh, and smile.

I hope they're doing alright.

I don't know if they think about me.

I'm worried if I talk to them

It'll be opening old wounds

As the title says, it is nice to be be wanted.

To have a group of friends that want you to hang out with them,

but at times you feel a little stressed

When you find another group as well wanting you to hang out with them

It's nice to be wanted.

I wish I could cry.

I wish I could take back words that come from my head and mouth

I wish I could curl up into a ball, and maybe my future self could reassure me that maybe I still have a chance.

Just to know that even if I'm failing now, time and time again will I know nothing but failure, that I'll succeed once.

Just to hear that would keep me ease until then. I'd be able to keep my upbeat personality and charm people think I have up. Maybe I'd find it's actually real

But that won't happen

I won't ever know for sure until it happens

And that's not likely in my state





I wish I could cry

If I had a clone, he'd get how I'm feeling all the time, and I wouldn't struggle to put my feelings and thoughts into words

I like to think that someone like that is rarely found in life, and you need to cherish them when you do

If I had a clone, I'd be able to get a constant sense of reassurance,

"Stop stressing, you're doing fine"

Sometimes you have to be your own best friend, and that's okay

I wish I had a sister

I have enough brothers, 3 in fact.

I wish I had a sister to go to because she'd know exactly how to help me through certain situations,

I wish I had a sister because she knows how girls work and I just don't have a clue

I wish I had a sister because a family of basically all boys isn't a very emotional family.

I can't cry, not even if I tried

I just sit and ponder what's beyond this painful, this darkening, this overwhelming fear of what lies ahead

I wish I had a sister

The art of speaking another language then your own is quite the challenge, everyone grows up watching Dora the Explorer speak spanish to us, there were other shows for other languages,

But it never impacted many of us, at least not me. If I could, I'd learn as many languages as I could, to speak with others across the world, or across my yard with the recently immigrated neighbors.

I love Spanish because I just think it is a beautiful language, even with the insane amount of irregular verbs

He loves French because its part of his heritage, I'll tease him with my lack of it, but in reality I am just wanting to learn as well

She loves German because of how the words just seem to flow together, just how nice a single sentence could sound

We all have our reasons, but its not just a why we learn a language, it opens a whole new world of communication and media.

Late

Night

Head

Banging

Against

The

Wall

I feel like love is like a sword, not a double edged one, just a regular one.

You start off grasping the handle, but you drop it over and over, each time it falls with the blade facing you. You have to pick it up every time, cutting yourself another scar of failure, each one getting more painful then the one prior.

Sometimes you think it will land with the hilt facing you.

The only real question isn't how it lands. It's that you have to realize you can easily just pick it up by the handle, it's a lot harder and not as easy as grabbing it by the blade, but it's always been option. You just have to realize it's there

My mind is like a minefield

Certain things are like explosions, setting me off

Others are calm and peaceful, laughable and joyous


Watch where you step