I've had a long day, seems to be an even longer night
Dealing with you, but not you
I'm actually dealing with all of them
I'm actually also dealing things other then you
I'm dealing not drugs, but death sentences if I can't fix myself onto the track I'm just going to derail myself of later anyway
You tell yourself,
"Hey, maybe it might work out"
Yeah, maybe. But maybe not
You always should be ready for failure
Maybe you fail yourself
Maybe you fail the ones you care about
You need to accept that sometimes things aren't alright, and that you can't do a thing to fix it
You're just chasing the ghosts of dead dreams
You can still choose to feel the same as you had, but don't let that ruin things you've worked so hard for
Each and every day I wake up with you on my mind
I wish you a good morning and tell you a daily reminder that you're beautiful and I love you
I know you won't be able to respond until much time has passed, but I can wait.
Time is but a tool I'll use in my favor
Time is for mistakes to heal, choices to be reconsidered, thoughts to be gathered.
I'll see you later and ask how you are, how was your day, and I don't always get the same response, but either way
I'm glad I can still talk to you at all
While some things are fleeting, I hope this is forever
Whether we're hanging out with a group or just the two of us, I may not show it, but I'm loving every second
If only we weren't just voices and faces heard and seen from a monitor
If you asked me what addiction meant to me, My mind would first go to maybe some drug, or a junk food, people get addicted to those, but
I'm really just addicted to you
I'd say I can't explain how I really feel, but I've actually tried to do it several times.
Your smile is something I'd like to wake up to on a calm summer's day
However I know that it's just me that feels this way
Is there even a way to really find myself,
If I'm still trying to find you
I wish I could ask my friends for advice on a topic that boggles my mind, but I don't want them to see the stress I'm under
I wish my I could see my friends tell me exactly what to do, without knowing what I'm doing
How do I go on about this, I'm so worried I'll mess it up. I need to take
Quick breaths to keep calm. I'll figure this out somehow
Some people are just naturally alone, they don't choose to be, it's just how they've always been and how they always will be
I chose to be alone, but not on purpose.
I chose to be alone by pushing people away and not even knowing I was doing it
I guess now I'll be the type of person who's just naturally alone since I can't manage naturally to not be alone.
Another smash of my glass house
Another set back
Over 2 small things
Small to them
Do I even have the right to be upset
Do I have the right to feel the way I do
I want you to have happiness so I sacrificed my own
And now I'm at this all time low
I'm just hurt, confused, and tired.
You told me you could take it
I didn't believe you
You said I was a liar
I didn't believe you
You said I was unaffected
I didn't believe you
You told me you were sorry.
Are you really though
Around friends, you're cool and confident
Around her, you're unsure of what to say
Around your best friend of 7 years, you know exactly how to make them smile
Around her, you just have to be there for her... even when you don't know how to begin helping her
Around a large group of people, you're able to make friends fast and get to know them
Around her, you struggle to ask her what she likes to do.
Why do you act so differently when you're
You're nervous, its okay.
Around her, you feel happy
Around your friends, you can't talk to them about your deep feelings and desires.
Around her, you'd share everything
When you're around her, she is your everything
If a picture is worth
a thousand words
those of you are
a college thesis paper
And the Illiad rolled
Balance the tipping scale of your life
Does it lean in the way you want,
is it on its side, fallen from the weight of the daily stress?
From that upcoming test,
To that strained relationship
To the mystery of what is really what
Is it even worth it?
I hate that thing
I that my mind is so focused on that, THAT. That of which I could end up horribly from
But I can't think of it being anything else but that
I don't see any other option then that, I just believe that, it's my key to happiness is to that.
What's your THAT
Mine is, well. Truth be told, it's just, THAT.
A poem I wrote back in April, no longer sure if I relate to it
I can't stop thinking of you
and that beautiful face,
with the prettiest eyes I've ever laid my own upon.
I can't stop thinking of you
and your voice that just takes me straight to heaven
while I can hardly do much else but type.
I can't stop thinking of you
and that personality that I can't get enough of,
The humor is endless and the beauty I see goes on forever
It's like meeting your best friend for the first time and having that moment of the best joy you've ever felt,
Except with you I have that feeling everday
I can't stop thinking of you,
I like having you in my thoughts
I can keep you safe there for now, at least until I can hold you in my arms for real
I can't stop thinking of you....
And I don't ever want to stop
When I say I can't talk and I have to type, My headset is broken.
Do people really change? As the seasons change throughout the year?
Am I really different from what I once was?
I think a part of seeing someone change isn't even them changing
You simply get to see the real them and what they really think
I feel..... Relieved.
I feel as if this weight has been lifted of my shoulders.
Although, this invisible divide is still there slightly. Unsure of whether if it wants to leave my mind
I guess I'll just see where it goes, if it goes anywhere at all.
Hopefully it won't just remain there forever
If love was a currency, I'd be in the top one percent
If loneliness was a currency, I'd be an ever changing stock market broker, constantly fluctuating between being at the bottom and the top
If my feelings were a currency, only one person would be rich because they seem to have control over them all
I normally get a decent amount of sleep, but lately that isn't the case.
I could say it is because my brother is loud when he plays his videogames late into the night, but I know how to tune him out
I could say it is because I'm hungry from not eating enough, but I ate enough at dinner.
The biggest problem keeping me awake, is also the quietest.
My thoughts may be silent to others, are booming to me, my doubts and my fears materialise before my eye.
Why haven't you gotten this?
When will you do this thing that drags at you?
The darkness is warmth, it is peace and quiet and I can rest away my troubles, but my mind's voice refuses to let me slip away into the night to rest
I am not completely afraid of death, nor am I unafraid of it.
I don't intend to go peacefully if I may
I want to go out of this world as I came into it
We don't have control over how we go, but if I did
I want to go knowing my loved ones are safe.
I want to go protecting those that I hold dear and close to my heart.
If you asked me late last night, I'd think things are hopeless
If you asked me an hour ago, I could still be easily persuaded as such
If you asked me 5 minutes ago...
I'd tell you that I'm more sure of myself and my decisions
If you asked me now...
I'd tell you I've never been more sure of anything in my life
I refuse to let this happen again, I will fight to make it happen and I will not give up till an exact conclusion is made
Either we are
Or we aren't
I don't want to hear that I will.
I want to see me doing it
I don't want to hear that I'll get through this
I just want it to be over
I don't want to be in the dark
I may as well go into the light
I don't always know what to say,
But please don't apologize to me
You did nothing wrong
Yet you're in such pain
I know that you're above this,
Please don't apologize
You don't ever need to justify yourself to me.
Please, just understand I'm here and that you aren't alone
Don't apologize to me, when it feels like I'm the one who wronged
I want to sleep forever
I want to have dreams of the happiness I worry I'll need have.
I want to never forget the feeling of a warm bed on a cold night.
The feeling of freshly washed and dried sheets
The dream of someday waking up next to the woman I love
She's out there somewhere, but for now I'll only see her in my slumber.
Fight your own **** battles
Don't send your little army after me
Those you've manipulated before me
Those that'll suffer the same fate as me.
Fight your own **** battles
Be the adult you wish you could be.
You wouldn't go out of your way to make a random person on the street happy
For a friend like them, you'd spend the entire year devoted to making them feel happier
Would you put off other important things in your life for a stranger's needs?
For her, you would in a heartbeat
Would you try and give your advice, even though you knew next to nothing on the topic?
For your best friend, you'd try your best and wish them well
Why do we devote all this to a friend?
Because a friend would do it for you
The words I spend the most time writing, never actually appear before the eyes of anyone besides my own
I have to write them, but they won't be said
They reveal the side of me I hate
The side that is scared
The side that is selfish
The side that wishes it could be free.
I will bring these chains on my back as long as I go
Why do I have to be the only one alone
No I don't mean that I don't have friends or family.
I mean why does my brain make meeting someone special and being in a relationship with them such a concept that I can't grasp
Why do my hands and mouth slip at the chances I get, why do I hesitate until too late and my chance is foiled by none other then myself
Written May 25th 2018
She gave me a chance after no one else would
She gave me a chance when I thought nobody could
It's in my grasp and I can almost taste it
You always leave me guessing what your true intentions are.
Sometimes I love it
Other times, not so much
I'm not able to even think straight at this rate I'll just act like I'm 8 and full of hate can't escape this thunderous roar of feelings, quite concealing whether I'll get to the road that leads to you
I'm nervous but also like
I'm woah **** I'm excited
But I'm calm and collected
Although I'm also like
Losing my ****, is this really happening?
I can't wait
I figuratively can't wait
I literally have to wait
I'm a bit worried, I'll admit
Today wasn't all that compared to other days but any day with you is a good one
Sometimes I wish I had no self restraint, no self control.
Just give myself over to my inner emotions
Say that thing that's been aching on my mind for too long
Tell them that enough is enough
Stand up for the friend that doesn't think they're worth it
Just get in a car and drive to my destination
Just fly away from this problem
I wish I could have confessed sooner
I wish I knew where I stood in your eyes
I wish I could just reach into your mind and get a glimpse without actually having to ask and possibly not like the answer
Sometimes you have to do things you wish you couldn't normally do
Sometimes you have to not do things you wish you could do
I wish my feelings weren't just toys in your child's playset
I'm honestly dedicated to this goal, but your goals may not match mine
I'm worried this feeling might be allowed to grow,
Will I make to your next show?
I wish I could make you see the world as I do, see my intentions to the letter, my passion flaming high
I wish you understood that I'm sorry if I ever made you feel uncomfortable,
I blame my lack of knowledge
I blame that I don't know which of the thousands upon thousands of words in my vocabulary to choose from that will make you feel at ease
I blame myself for being who I am
What do I have to change to be better
Not a huh?
But just a
I read that
Don't know what to do bout' that
Can't say much on that
Wishing you the best
Can't comprehend it all
I've never let the thought of going into the military get too far in my mind, it is a serious commitment, but depending on how my life turns out I may just need that
The military teaches you many things,
And being weak isn't one of them.
You have to be strong, both physically and mentally, You are the wall upon which the enemy falls
You have to be smart, both in the words of a book and the words used in the common street
I like to think I'd meet lifelong friends in the military if I joined, friends I know will have my back and protect my life as I do theirs
Although I don't think of this is a first choice, I want to be able to have a calm life, not one stuck in a trench seeing bullets fly overhead from insurgents, maybe I'll do something technical, get a degree even.
Who knows, I'm young so I have time.
All it takes for some is a single blot of doubt to make me want to scream
I ignored it for as long as I could but I can't any longer
It feels as if the path I'm taking may seem right to me, it is a corrosive acid that destroys what I hold most dear and if it doesn't get the thing it wants it will ruin me
Why won't the rain clouds go away?
I hope I never have to publish this, I'm only writing this to vent, but if you see this poem then know I'll be fine. I just need time to accept all that's happened. May take a day, a week, month, or maybe months. However I'll bounce back. I usually do.
I wrote this January 7th, 2018.
The original reason for writing is temporary lost in the cosmos, but I had just enough space in my brain to make this relevant several months later
I'll wait for you, under the old oak tree,
I'll wait for you, whether it be for a year or three
I'll wait for you, because I love you
I thought that we'd be considerate about each other's feelings
Although, while I was trying to protect yours, you were busy ignoring mine
You won't ever see this. That's a fact.
But I hope you're happy with yourself. After all that.
I thought we'd be fine, but you're going to be petty and annoying about it.
You're going to be ever the child.
You ignore me every where else but here maybe.
I should thank you for all the frustration I get from you
You wanna be like this? Fine
I've tried to remain nice but if you're gonna be true to your name. Then so be it.
You know those long and irritated groans everyone makes?
I need to vent lol. Not usually this full of anger
I remember talking to them
I remember making them laugh, and smile.
I hope they're doing alright.
I don't know if they think about me.
I'm worried if I talk to them
It'll be opening old wounds
As the title says, it is nice to be be wanted.
To have a group of friends that want you to hang out with them,
but at times you feel a little stressed
When you find another group as well wanting you to hang out with them
It's nice to be wanted.
I wish I could cry.
I wish I could take back words that come from my head and mouth
I wish I could curl up into a ball, and maybe my future self could reassure me that maybe I still have a chance.
Just to know that even if I'm failing now, time and time again will I know nothing but failure, that I'll succeed once.
Just to hear that would keep me ease until then. I'd be able to keep my upbeat personality and charm people think I have up. Maybe I'd find it's actually real
But that won't happen
I won't ever know for sure until it happens
And that's not likely in my state
I wish I could cry
If I had a clone, he'd get how I'm feeling all the time, and I wouldn't struggle to put my feelings and thoughts into words
I like to think that someone like that is rarely found in life, and you need to cherish them when you do
If I had a clone, I'd be able to get a constant sense of reassurance,
"Stop stressing, you're doing fine"
Sometimes you have to be your own best friend, and that's okay
I wish I had a sister
I have enough brothers, 3 in fact.
I wish I had a sister to go to because she'd know exactly how to help me through certain situations,
I wish I had a sister because she knows how girls work and I just don't have a clue
I wish I had a sister because a family of basically all boys isn't a very emotional family.
I can't cry, not even if I tried
I just sit and ponder what's beyond this painful, this darkening, this overwhelming fear of what lies ahead
I wish I had a sister
The art of speaking another language then your own is quite the challenge, everyone grows up watching Dora the Explorer speak spanish to us, there were other shows for other languages,
But it never impacted many of us, at least not me. If I could, I'd learn as many languages as I could, to speak with others across the world, or across my yard with the recently immigrated neighbors.
I love Spanish because I just think it is a beautiful language, even with the insane amount of irregular verbs
He loves French because its part of his heritage, I'll tease him with my lack of it, but in reality I am just wanting to learn as well
She loves German because of how the words just seem to flow together, just how nice a single sentence could sound
We all have our reasons, but its not just a why we learn a language, it opens a whole new world of communication and media.
An overly excessive acronym for an otherwise meaningful phrase
When I grow attached to someone, there's a chance I may come to love them
You'll know when you truly are in love with someone when you see just faintest smile on their lips and you feel the warmth of a sun's strongest hug binding you to them
I feel like love is like a sword, not a double edged one, just a regular one.
You start off grasping the handle, but you drop it over and over, each time it falls with the blade facing you. You have to pick it up every time, cutting yourself another scar of failure, each one getting more painful then the one prior.
Sometimes you think it will land with the hilt facing you.
The only real question isn't how it lands. It's that you have to realize you can easily just pick it up by the handle, it's a lot harder and not as easy as grabbing it by the blade, but it's always been option. You just have to realize it's there
Bloodied hands for stupid plans
It's fast and it hits hard
Depending on what kind, it may even hurt
But you stand there tall with your armor of pride, protecting your inner self from this outer threat
But then there's the new kind of bullet, one you don't know how to fight back at
Maybe this love will be greater then others before
Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic
Always putting yourself first should be a priority of life, but sometimes you don't do that
Sometimes you stay up the whole night to make sure you have all your homework done
Sometimes it's because you want to make sure someone is going to still be there in the morning
Sometimes you get angry that you're not where you want to be at,
Sometimes you get angry that others aren't where they need to be at
Written March 20th, 2018
My mind is like a minefield
Certain things are like explosions, setting me off
Others are calm and peaceful, laughable and joyous
Watch where you step
Inspired by my new bio.