I know my life is just beginning.

As I sit at this bar with a drink in my hands.

With pride flags on the walls and outside.

I’m welcomed here.

Not because I drink regularly.

Or even smoke there often.

Because I make friends.

With everyone I meet.

Because everyone under this roof.

Radiates love.

I know you’ll never read this.

You showed me this website so long ago.

I don’t think you’ve been on here in years.

I still have dreams about you.

I don’t know why.

Sometimes we’re friends again.

Sometimes we’re lovers.

Although I don’t think I want to be either of those things.

We sit around and talk.

About life, lovers, college, a multitude of things.

Conversations that’ll never happen.

I know I wasn’t healthy back then.

I know I apologized before.

But again, I’m sorry.

I hope you’re happy and healthy.

Like you are in my dreams.

I hope you’re healing like I am.

I don’t know why you did the things you did.

Or why I did the things I did.

I hope you’ve found someone.

Like I’ve found someone.

Who loves you like you deserve.

I will try to forgive myself
For living in the dark
For my loss of laughter
For forgetting how to see

I will try to forgive myself
For being gone for too long
And being bored of breathing

For not remembering
For not being in my head
For not starting right now

I will try

‪Not valid‬
‪Not worthy‬
‪Not loved‬
‪Just disposable ‬
‪Unwanted ‬
‪Usable ‬
‪But only for his needs‬

‪So‬
‪Drip drip ‬
‪Drop‬

‪Uh-oh‬
‪My blood is spilt‬

‪You can’t wash off your mistakes now‬
‪What ever will you do?‬

I don’t know how god thinks
But god do you love me?

Drip, drip, drop

My heart is torn

For who does it long for?

Who does it know?

Does it long for affection?

From passbyers

Or from old lovers

For it does not know who it wants

Anymore..