I am an actor
In a primetime show
In national tv
Love me or hate me
It is not easy, I know.

I am an accused
Being questioned
Being judged
Believe me or hate me
It is not easy, I know.

I am a butterfly
Newly emerged from a chrysalis
The world outside
Loves me or hates me
It is not easy, I know.

When will they accept
When will they change
When will their words
Be an embrace
It is not easy, I know.

If I possessed all the knowledge in the world,
I would give it all up
Just to know where you went
And if you are alright.
I cherished every glance at your face
And every glance you gave to me.
Had I known my time for those opportunities would be so short,
I'd have cherished them all the more.
I never knew your name,
And I never needed to.
But to know of your safety,
I would give the world.
My heart aches as I question
Whether or not you are still alive,
For the last few times I saw you,
You appeared to be fading away.
Your skin was so wrinkled,
Your face so burdened.
What I would have given
To hold your face in my hands
And smooth out each wrinkle with my thumbs.
It's just a silly idea
Of making you young again,
With some crazy hope
That you and I could be together.
I swore I'd never loved you.
I knew nothing else about you
Except your physical appearance--
Not to be considered handsome.
But to me you were beautiful.
Your sunken, hollowed eyes,
Your muddy curls,
The shape of your figure,
And the age of your face.
You were the one I longed to know.
But this time I fear
You are gone for good.
I never knew your name,
I never knew your story.
All I knew is whom you reminded me of,
And I know how that eventually was separated,
And how you and you alone
Were the one whom I would give
All my years for one night of holding close to my chest,
Where we'd never learn each other's names,
But you would learn the warmth of my *****
And the rhythm of my heart.
And I would know you.
And that would be enough.

Two a.m.
And I stare up towards the ceiling
At a moth circling my light bulb.
I wonder what is so attractive
About my tiny glass sun
And am curious to know
Where the moth will go
When the sun burns out.
And as I stare at this moth
Hypnotized, determined in love,
I debate whether or not I lied to you,
As I slip my hand into my pillowcase
Searching for a sleeping pill
The same size and shape
As Manhattan.

You told me a story
Of mass destruction,
Then romanced the idea
Of self destruction.
You told me of a world
Filled with corruption,
Then added sugar to the taste
Of self corruption.
You told me of a people
Wrapped in infliction,
Then taught me the ways
Of self infliction.
You told me of a home
Trapped in desolation,
Then brought beauty to the thought
Of self desolation.
You told me of a family
Held back by ruination,
Then offered me a handful
Of self ruination.
So when you told me of a killer
And his tools for termination,
You suggested a simple gun:
Self termination.

I used to yell
And fight back.
Until I realized
That you hate it much more
When I remain silent
And perfectly still.

Like a statue.

The deeper I fell in love with you,
The quicker I came to realize
How much of a devil in disguise
You really were.
But you promised a healing
From the sickness you gave me.
And though I assured you I needed it,
You convinced me I would regret
Holding on to this disease.
So I allowed you your touch,
And like that, you were forgiven.
But you failed to tell me
That the fever had me tainted
Forever.