I am standing still as a rock curled up on the floor shaking back and forth. I am overreacting in response to your underreaction and something in my body just doesn't feel right anymore. A piece of me is angry that you dared to have this much control over me. Why were you trusted with a sword you didn't know how to use? Because these wounds are leaking blood and staining the new clothes I'm wearing for you. My underwear is covered in pictures of your favorite fruit that will never taste the same again.

I am trying to rationalize your behavior. I am making up excuse after excuse for you and I am disgusted with myself. It was you who put me in this situation and it is all your **** fault which is why I am to blame. I didn't know that nothing was strong enough to break glass, but here I am shattered after your lack of words struck me. Who do you think you are, because apparently I know nothing about you.

It was so subtle that I almost missed its hands wrapping around my throat. My face was blue by the time your rejection had sunk into my skin, pins and needles over every bit of flesh. I was changed in an instant.

You don't miss me back.

That knowledge bouncing back and forth inside of my skull on a Monday night. And maybe you were tired or maybe you were stressed or maybe you were revealing the truth to me, finally, releasing your feelings, or lack there of for the first time. Wasn't I so lucky to be there for your debut? I can feel ants crawling around on my heart and they must be hungry because they keep biting away miniscule pieces of me that I guess I didn't need.

You mean so much to me but I must be meaningless. I am breaking down and apparently you couldn't care less. You never told me you didn't love me, you never told me you didn't miss me, I had to figure that one out for myself, you never told me I was nothing, but that is how I am feeling.

And soon you will have to see my face and I will get to look upon yours and we will be together. My soul will be screaming out at you, demanding to know what changed, but my lips will not make a sound. I am silent and it has always been my greatest weakness, well, until I fell in love with you, anyway. All of this pain, yet I won't have a word to say. I am trapped here wondering what way it will go. Most of me doesn't even want to know. It's only a matter of days and even after all of this, I still manage to miss you, but

You don't miss me back.

Lie in the grass to appreciate the clouds, notice off-color pixels in the sky, storm in the next level up so they're switching the simulation onto the backup generators and the head of operations is always complaining that

the blue takes too much energy, couldn't they just switch it, but the researchers always insist

it would be too much of a logical fallacy, the pixels are hardly noticeable, and besides, most of the test subjects hardly look up

and isn't it funny that you're just a few blocks of memory?

lists of lies told to our parents
hide the cigarettes hide the smell breathing **** rips out the window
check the hall check the smell we're doing well
you never introduce your parents to the friend that is always high
the friend that betrays the lie
by not bothering to conceal
the misery in their eyes
straight for a weekend straight for a dinner happy for a phone call
we do this to ourselves under pressures from every direction
some will decay inwards implosion
while the others will be building
swirling expanding explosion
something and nothing are in constant balance
who is responsible who are you disappointing
what is the worst thing that could happen
if you admitted you weren't doing okay
do you honestly think your parents will stop loving you
if you tell them your friends smoke ***
**** this species

**** everything.
It hasn't even happened yet,
But I'm craving some drugs-
Anything to forget.
Because you know me,
And I know me,
And I don't cope,
All that easily.
Rejection is the worst.
So find me an old hearse
Because we both know
Where I'm gonna go.

So tonight I'll get high
For the very last time.
Tonight I'm gonna die
For the very first time.

I might be lazy,
But I don't wanna be idle.
Days like this remind me
Of being suicidal.
That tiny voice living
At the back of my mind,
Saying it'd be better
If I wasn't alive.
You know I don't believe
But today I wanna leave
Got some pain to relieve
And maybe I'm naive
But I need to escape
Yeah, I gotta get away
And I mean, it's not like
My life matters anyway

So tonight I'll get high
For the very last time.
Tonight I'm gonna die
For the very first time.

And well maybe I just need a drink
If it means that I don't have to think
Anything, anything
To not hear no from you
Because chances are that's what
You're going to do.
Why the **** did I even ask?
Is there still time to take it back?
We'll pretend it never happened
And my dreams won't get flattened.
But no, that's not an option.
I'll find a new addiction.
And I guess
I'll just have to settle
Something new,
Maybe it'll be fatal.

*So tonight I'll get high
For the very last time.
Tonight I'm gonna die
For the very first time.