Lost connection.

No signal.

Bad reception.

Cut wires,
sparks flying & fizzling.

Cancelled wedding reception.

I scream into
the woods
for you.

All I hear is static.

Ocean waves thrashing.

Heart monitor crashing.

The moon is silent,
staring at me from
Earth's attic.

Awaiting a response.

Don't know what I expected
anymore...

Would you come for me?

Is there anything left of my heart
you adore?

I will always come back for more.

Just to see you wash up ashore...

Mental health took a dive into the deep end and I don't know how to swim.

I could have stayed there
staring deep into your blue eyes
as the warm wind blew strands of your
light brown hair across your forehead..

I would have stayed there
as we silently looked into each other
for a sign that
everything would be okay..

I should have stayed there
gently holding your hand
making sure you know
I have always loved you
long before I met you...

everyone tells me that the reason we ended just means that something better is waiting for me...but i don't see how someone could be any more perfect than you were, darling? were we just stepping stones necessary to get us to where we are really meant to be? . . .

Nothing is worse than not being able to
love who you love.

Before
either of us
ever said
a word,
i saw you
from across
the room
& knew
i was meant
to love you.

"are you outer space? because i want to explore you endlessly"

i look out my window from across my bedroom and wonder if that's mars or venus blinking back at me.

everything is still so new.

then why does it feel this familiar? . . .

Silent was the sound of you when i asked what was wrong.
To make it through this week is the greatest goal of all.
Ontario was the lake where i found out i was beautiful.
Never will i ever not feel love for you somewhere in these bones.
Exit signs glow red across the dim empty room.
Stones to skip or stones to build a forever home.

Treacherous is the path we'd have to take to outlast, outrun.
Onward we'd rise, radiate, rectify, resil...

Sadness left me empty, sadness left me whole.
Knowing you're okay is all i could ask for.
Is it too soon to know?
Perfect was the night you came to see me when i missed you most.

they asked me how my love life is

to which i replied:

currently burning.

i'm watching it like a bonfire in the middle of a clearing on the outskirts of the woods...

at the edge of town in the middle of nowhere, where you & the ghost of us are anywhere & everywhere i look...

wearing a tearstained gown with messy smoke-saturated hair as the wind sweeps it across my face, grazing my collarbone, around my neck & over my shoulders...

with empty eyes & a heart made of glass, shattered & aching...my spirit of love, in shambles.

knowing that there isn't a **** thing i can do or say to resurrect what we once shared . . .

i bite the skin hanging off of my thumb with ladybugs in my hair.

last year, my mom made a wreathe of green and pink hydrangeas that she grew on the side of the house. they're dried up now.

i promise i'll make up for all the years i was supposed to be kissing you instead of them.

my eyes glaze over with euphoria from knowing i will soon douse my whole self in childhood.

ten years ago my father's day gift to my father was moving 2,429 miles away...

the sea turned into lakes, and lost it's salt and starfish.

i sigh heavily as i weave through the cars, another seven hours ahead of myself, and hold my breath as i walk through his cloud of cigarette smoke as he says, "you just coming in?"...

california hasn't forgotten about me...it waits patiently for me knowing i would always return
|
return to it's dusty air and beige dry grass, shriveled in my palms after i picked them out from the cracked ant-infested dirt as i sat "criss-cross-applesauce".

it waits patiently...i wait impatiently...

the mountains watched over me through every black-top-scraped knee and monterey sticky-fingered ice cream cone.

the seals slept soundly on the sun-heated rock beneath the obnoxious seagulls, unbothered by the tide-splash.

SEQUOIA NATIONAL PARK
|
KINGS CANYON
|
DINKY CREEK
|
YOSEMITE

the redwoods and i are related by blood, but they never believe me when i tell them. i can scream it until i am black and blue.

my hair looks like night in the evening, chocolate in the day, and becomes fire in the sun.

dopamine limbs, serotonin mind, and oxytocin heart.

i was never impressed by blue eyes until mine met yours.

eye-contact is a language in and of itself. but few are fluent.

i arrive at you fully made up and exactly how i want to be...
|
wisp and bisk rub off onto your clothes and skin as you love me whole.
|
i leave as more myself, seen raw and authentically bashful.
and to my surprise, i leave feeling more beautiful than before...

this morning i had to look up the definition of "LONELY" because i forgot what it meant.

(a week later) this morning i remember what being lonely feels like.

medical supplies is becoming my unfortunate attributed aesthetic, i fear.

i have never been particularly athletic but i would swim across all fifty seas for you if you needed me.

walking with purpose but mindlessly, all others only blurs i didn't bother to distinguish, daydreaming of your black shirt scrunched into my fist-

i notice she was asking me a question ! begged to know what smelled of indulgence and unidentified nostalgia...
|
: vanilla, salted caramel, saigon cinnamon, heavy cream, sandalwood, orgeat, ice cream shop.
|
she told me it fits me perfectly...sweet but subtle...niche but noticed.

eleven minutes left and feeling very corporate as i look out the third-floor window. neighboring building's & office windows.

the sky was cobalt but my skin was pale.

and you don't say much in reciprocal anymore...are you tired, my love?...

i cried when you told me you loved me.

much-anticipated days of strawberry milk mustaches, laughing until our stomachs ache, and sun-slapped cheeks.

eye watery, pigeon-toed in ***** shoes on the pale checkered floor. she's a summer baby.

i tell him i have known him for four years now, in asl from across the market (in my head, over and over and over again)

i only half listen as she tells a story of a woman who was obsessed with saffron-colored fabric. the other woman argued that the thread wasn't saffron, but red. in which she then stood corrected as the other explained how the water turns orange when the thread was dipped into it.

i miss her and her purple hair. i only pay her a visit when my bangs poke my eyes every morning before i curl them.

a box of chapbooks sat upon his desk touching a ripped manila envelope full of printing press letters.
|
"S"

between debates about jam v. jelly and strawberry v. grape jam/jelly, we dance as friends and friends only this time..

i recall, last summer tasted of cookies too-sweet, but this time it'll be just right.

our star beams & casts shadows onto your sheets. your eyes ablaze and your hair afire. i won't kiss you gently when you look that beautiful.

they told me they'd teach me how to swim, then left me drowning in their pretentiousness.

you held me down but i was set free . . .
|
you're more gentle than i thought you were.
|
it actually hurts thinking of you kissing someone else.

"she used to wear that shirt a lot." my mother told me. she deserved a life full of joy.

BRUISE COUNT: 15

BRUISE ORIGINS: WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, SLEEPING, SLEEPING, ??, ??, ??, ??

_ _ _ _    _ _ _ _ COUNT: 5

_ _ _ _    _ _ _ _ COUNT ORIGINS: LOVE

they don't know the valley the way i do. but i hope they will.

i take up as much space as i possibly can to feel more comfortable.
i only end up feeling more vulnerable. retreat or proceed

tears of fear when eyes should be closed.

i watch her weeping with poor statues of woeful beautiful women
with nameless faces and bare ******* not-quite covered by chiseled cloth. modesty.

my cheeks are flushed as glitter mixes with salty tears, making my skin itchy, raw, bare...

i lean over the vintage sink, peering deeply into the mirror in a dimly lit bathroom of someone i only met once before...

when i was younger i always thought that it was impossible to die in a church. i thought that being inside of it made us
INVINSIBLE . . .

when i was younger, i never really thought about how
birthday cakes don't only have to be "birthday cake" flavored
|
meyer lemon-raspberry, chocolate-cinnamon, quadruple-chocolate, key lime-blueberry-strawberry, carrot, german chocolate, red velvet !

the cars in the review mirror made a total eclipse.

you are the softest color i have ever touched.
and...
you still know me better than most, even if you don't know my favorite ice cream flavor.

logopoeia of ellipses.

i will know the touch of the rays, the slimy backs of 𓆏 after the rain,
and the sting from stepping on chipped shells in the wading water . . . . .

feeling feverish as i sit up in bed, bathed & with half-way-to-sleep eyes.

i just want to know that you're still mine, and i yours.

i've been writing for two hours now, i think!?...

my hair is drying a little too fast before i get the chance to blow-dry it.

it's 12:08 a.m. and i'm wondering if you got home safely.

i want to paint my nails your favorite color,

but i don't want to risk losing you.

magnificent - mundane

undeniable - grog & grain

how do you spell "gray"? with an 'a' or an 'e' before the 'y'?

the only ones who can ***** out our flame is us.

which brings both great relief but also IMMENSE fear.

simultaneity has been a close friend the past couple of years.

can we make this flame into a fire, one that can keep us warm through these cold, uncertain nights?

"i've never moved so quickly from feeling so sure to feeling so lost in such little time."

i wish it still felt like summertime.

"just keep being your sweet self", you whispered through the phone

i could hear the sleep in your voice & ache in your heart.

you still know me better than most, even if you don't know my favorite ice cream flavor.

i wrap my warmth around me

wait for the chill to bite my bones

i wonder if you would ever let me touch you again...

stomach roaring for food.

the clock struck 1 am.

pale-faced, memories of us fading.

fading...fading... f a d i n g...gone.

i deserve this..

i do not deserve this..

i wonder if you still remember the rain on our skin when we first embraced...

tiny dim golden lights hanging on a string, holidays are near and here.

i wonder if you wish you had never met me...

"it can be scary to change something significant in your life...but there is nothing scarier than staying in the same place when it is the opposite of beneficial. never don't try something new that you could be passionate and great at because you're afraid it will change what you're used to."

it will not be easy, but things that are worth it rarely are...

the lake will soon freeze over

will you let me fall through?...

the day is young
the night is lonely

my dear, i know it's still too early
but never to know that i want this

"had too many close calls tonight"
but 1 missed call from me

"gave me no compasses
gave me no signs"

is it true?
it's me and you?
can i come out of this blue? . . .

i don't want to be your summer girl
i want to be your forever girl

is this going to be a repeat?
tell me now so i can just back out...

before it's too late,
should have looked for the signs
before i took the bait

"i miss you", i type
but find myself backspacing

heart skipping
mind racing
breath-chasing
legs pacing

i don't want to bother you
i don't want to bore you

i know you're busy
but darling, he was "busy" too . . .

i don't want to be your summer girl
i want to be your forever girl

is this going to be a repeat?
tell me now so i can just back out . . .

before it's too late,
should have looked for the signs
before i took the bait

Sun's warmth gingerly grazing my skin
Universal feelings
Nothing left unsaid

--You are perfect.
I am not
--You are perfect to me.
     Now go home and get some rest, because you are more than
     deserving of it.
I will try my best...
--And that is more than enough.
     Because when you do,
     It’s already lightyears ahead
     Of everyone else.

Running towards you running towards me
Embraced, enveloped, overwhelmed, overcome
Unable to deny the ache
No more lonely dawns
I knew it would be you all along
Open arms, submerged beneath your tidal wave
No more lonely dusks

If I had to go,
would you follow?

When I have to
say goodbye,
will you come
with me?

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

you say i will catch up soon,
love, you don't really know me
but you know i'm a sleuth.
i figure things out quick
and always on my own,
my heart may be sore
but let's save all the war . . .

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

darling she looks like your next
heartache
but honey i can be your next
heart break

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

"i don't want you getting jealous"
his green eyes say,
but now i find myself already
waiting in the lot
just to see who you're talking to, babe

[my heart may be grown
but it's also half-sewn . . .]

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting in my car with you here
on the tenth of may . . .

it's probably nothing,
but you've poisoned the grass
now the wishes can't grow.
i don't mean to be crass
but i wish you wouldn't go.
I don’t want to be the shiny thing you just pass,
I want to be the one you make last . . .

you say i'm not the only one,
my eyebrows raise.
but you reassure me,
"we may happen we may not"
what am i to say?
sitting here in my car with you
on the tenth of may . . .

what am i to say?
sitting here in my car with you
on the tenth of may . . .

what am i to say?
sitting here in my car with you
on the tenth of may . . .

the world felt like a bad dream
that would never end.

the sky, a violet so dark
it looked as black as a raven's feathers.

when the air smelled of
smoke, cinnamon & wormy, damp earth.

i went to the store & bought
a cologne that smells just like you.

you pulled me closer when
i thought you were about to let go.

i normally close my eyes,
but with you i have to keep a look-out.

i promise
to keep you safe, i promise...

the feeling of wanting to go home,
bur you're already there.

my stomach turns like the sea,
churning it's foam & shells to the shore.

in the end, the world will always be
a bad dream we can't wake up from...

a bad dream where
we cannot be together.

i mirror you.
i wait for your every move
to predict mine.

i don't want to hold back anymore.
i can feel everything inside of me
changing for the better...

i want to love fearlessly.
loudly..
endlessly..
unconditionally..
surely..
passi­onately..
the way i do..

i will love without shame..

i don't want to
overthink every expression..
interpret every gesture..
analyze every word..
ruminate every action..

i no longer want to hold back & wait to see if the other person feels for me as intensely as i for them..

otherwise..
i would only be taking and depriving them of all of the love i have bottled up inside of me..
i would be waiting for a perfect time that will never come..
and they will walk away
thinking i never loved them at all.

i want to just say things..
just go for it..
no hesitation to express or allow myself to feel..

because what else is there, but love?
because how much time do we have until it all runs out?
and who can say they know...

i had a dream that my mom threw a surprise birthday party for me.

you were the first one to arrive, in a suit and tie, too.

he was an hour away, roaming the halls of a museum, admiring art with my best friend instead.

it's not hard to make a decision when you're standing right in front of me.

flushed cheeks, dark hair, and the scent of a little too much champagne sparkling off of your tongue as you say anything just to make me laugh.

You're a dangerous
chemical
I'm told.
"Stay away from him"
(Red).

"You are a treasure"
I'm told.
They say my compound
will never mix well
with yours
(Blue).

But the closer
we got,
the more I felt
our electricity.

The moment
your hand gently grazed my cheek
& our lips slowly came together
(Violet).

I knew our elements were
meant to combine.

they used to tell me to stay away from you because you'd hurt me...
but now it's you who tells me.

i won't let you close enough to hurt me like before.
and you shouldn't let anyone do the same.

you were the sand that i tightened my grip around, causing you to slip through my fingers faster than if i loosened them...

i wanted to get it right so badly that i always got it wrong.

& we had no idea that electricity would turn to lightning.

you said you'd never break the bottle

don't . . .

while mine is tucked away, safe & in a place no one could ever remove the lid again (no one but us)

just in case we'll ever need it . .

our world caved
& has never been the same.

how many times until
they've learned their subjective lesson?
the night passes slower
when the heart is aching.

that moment's fog of not knowing
what was real & what was a dream...
then knowing & wishing, praying
what was real was a dream.

she said she wanted to
take it but they all told her
she couldn't.

she tried & tried anyway
until the torches & chains
swung away

i lay on the ground
pinned down & never
going out without a fight.

end scene.

start scene,
you are my getaway car
as we set for the cinema,
crowds of strangers & familiar
faces alike.

i never thought we'd be here
but we are & i've never been
more afraid & glad,
with you it's all the same
with you it's all the same...

the monsters came out
& the lines started forming,
you left when i thought you
were waiting for me.

did you know i wasn't right behind you?...

i walked out of the big red doors
& scanned the lot with fear-studded
eyes into the shimmering damp night,

the rain always allows
everything to be reflected
through it's remnants across the earth.

i called & called
& called & called...
i didn't know where
you had gone.
gone... was you...

the prison guards came,
they pulled up only this time
without the chains & reigns
but with smiles & greetings of relief.

i rode away with them
until i realized you were coming back
for me, so i lied.

i lied
& i had them take me back to that
crowded empty cinema our bodies
once occupied.

we felt small, 2 in a sea of hundreds.
the curtains called but not as much as
i did.

i waited in line again
& twirled my fingers
as i sat on the velvet cushion
comparing my beauty with the rest of
the nameless faces.

i don't know how i knew,
i just did
& there you were.

no frame & chairs full of glass,
you apologized over & over
& i told you i was just happy
you came back.

we drove off into the night
& you made sure i knew
your lips were meant to
touch mine,

now & until the very end
of time...

If the me that existed a few months ago went through what I'm going through tonight, she would be broken & collapsed on my floor without a single word, thought, feeling, or action that belonged to her, but to everyone else who knew what was good for her.
The difference now is I only feel stronger facing my deepest & darkest & most vulnerable fears despite being the only one fighting for myself.
I only feel stronger.
I only feel s t r o n g e r . . .

i thought there was a gnat on
my arm, so i smacked it.
turned out it was just black fuzz from
my sweater.
i count 3 little cuts on my hand from
who knows where.

i drove past his subdivision for no reason.
or maybe it was to feel closeness, proximity--a new old kind of intimacy.
i deny this. i accept this. i deny this.

my teeth have shifted, i am paranoid.
self-assigned 24/7 retainer again.
i feel as though my lungs are being squeezed.

the circles beneath my eyes seem darker every day.
the bruises on my legs increase in size, darkness, and number.
the scars and bumps on my cheeks have gotten redder.

i feel less and less like myself.
i feel monstrous. unlovely. holistically.
i feel that lump in my throat return as i realize this.

i think of how much i would be okay if he said goodbye.
my eyes are dry.
my stomach doesn't turn inside out anymore.

i play the same 3 songs on repeat.
the moon and i have 2 things in common:
spots. and wanting to be noticed.

i can never look at myself with the light on.
i don't allow myself to stand too close to a mirror,
afraid of the details i will find if i look too closely.

i tried writing today but probably stared at my reflection
in the laptop screen more than the words on the screen.
when will it end?

i scrapped the rest of my chipped nail polish off in the shower.
little bits of pink, lilac, and baby blue flow down the drain.
i forgot my razor under the bathroom sink.

when will this come to an end?
when will i be able to breathe again?
when will my eyes close and close for good?

i keep waiting for summer but what if summer
never feels like summer?
what will i have to wait for then, if not summer?

i forgot that it was your birthday.
i think that's a good thing.

eyes wide open
but they're gently shut

vermillion eyelids
and the smell of warm...

dusty dirt-caked hoola-hoops
and birthday barbecue hotdogs,
lines of black and smoke-saturated hair

10-year-olds on roller blades, bicycles, and scooters, dropping f-bombs and kicking pebbles.

suburb golf carts
and splintery playground woodchips
waft through the leafless pencil-like trees

daydreams of sun-naps on the sidewalk,
when we would watch the shadows of ants march across the cracks with driveway-chalk hands...

saying "no no no" with a warning tone
as she tries to lick year-old sticky ice cream stains from the pavement

that new house smell
somehow being better than you remember it

summer's grand re-opening

and we're all here,
then, now, and waiting.

the tide rises higher and higher
each second.

white waves crashing hard onto the cliffside.

wind pushes,
chill, biting me to the bones.

no sun to be felt gently grazing upon my pale skin.

the warmth is gone...

only sad songs travel through the wires.

hands trembling, always.

terrified...

("aren't we just terrified?...")
"Roslyn" Bon Iver

no more trust...never knowing if you'll just disappear or stay any second...

that baby pink sweater i bought just for snuggling with you...

fading...fading...f a d i n g... gone.

that's all that i feel i have left of you...memories.

"i had all and then most of you, some, and now none of you...take me back to the night we met..."

i wonder if you would ever let me touch you again...

blurred city lights rushing past.

running on glass...

dreams of you.

"dreams".

hurting...avoiding...ignoring...walking...hiding­...hurting...

the most terrifying part of the nightmares
is that they remain reality
when i open my eyes...

"rather be dead"

"rather be dead..."

i had a dream my room was empty.

one second to the next,
i stumble, i struggle
to contain the screams.

i've been holding my breath
afraid that if i exhale, a cry will
make its way out instead.

grieving the loss of someone who is no longer with us
v.
grieving the loss of someone who is no longer with us
but sees you from across the room
and chooses to look the other way...

(and this time, it isn't because they didn't want you to notice that they love you.)

it gave me something to write about,
not the first thing i would have chosen...

i fear we made a mistake,
but even moreso that we didn't...

sometimes
i like to pretend
that you're watching me.

memorizing my every move.

noticing all of the subtle details.

counting the lines around my face.
("Mercy" Lewis C.)

wanting to keep me in your life because i mean something to you...

slowly falling into each other...

you are my oxygen..

"i fell in love the way you fall asleep...slowly, and then all at once."