Our strength
tears through the fabric of time.
We can take our time,
there's no need to rush..

Our love
perpetually growing,
u n s t o p p a b l e
within every fiber of our being.

Our trust
tested through trial & error.

Our vulnerability,
our fragile hearts
placed in each other's hands
for safekeeping.

Our minds
given away in pieces,
bite-size.
The unspeakable depths
unveiled..
hiding away no more...

do you truly love me
and want to be with me
or are you only lonely
and anyone
will suffice?...

and i can't help but feel that this could have ended differently.

and i can't help but think that i could have changed the ending.

and i can't help but think that if i had only done something different...

i can't help help but think that i should have been different that night...

maybe you'd still be here.

maybe you'd be standing in front of me, with your arms wrapped tightly around me in this rain,
instead of me standing here alone with it dripping down my cold cheeks waiting for you to appear...

maybe you'd be here next to me.

i can't help but feel...

i would have been different
i could have been different
i should have been different...

i can't help but think...

i wouldn't have said that
i shouldn't have said that...

maybe you'd be...

he would still be here...
he could still be here...
he should still be here...

maybe we'd be . . .

i don't want you to be blinded by how you feel about me now. i want every part of you to love every part of me...not just what your eyes want you to see standing before you...but also what your mind knows...what your heart feels...& what your soul was made for...

cherry-vanilla soda instead of strawberry vanilla

i drew a heart next to my belly button in navy ink

he never asked me how my day was.

i heard the geese fly by at midnight, peculiar but lovely

the air smelled of october

october: hay, orchard, football games that ended a week or two ago, bittersweetness, and fine droplets suspended in the atmosphere

desserts taunt and temp me but i stay away for now.

easter is not on april fool's day this year

but it's still His best trick yet.

my fingertips dry and raw from flipping through so many pages

she licks my hands until they're clean

"death, he is not mean."

i rearranged my vanity, displayed my new perfume

bought myself flowers to lighten up my sanity

i couldn't see the moon tonight, is that why there's been no gravity?

no gravity for the thoughts

i wish i could say they come & go as they please but they never really go.

i'm thinking about those little white pills again.

sleeping dust: lavender, chamomile, tonka, benzoin...soft like dandelion, smooth like milk slipping down silk

the childhood bird coos and suddenly, i feel better

spring is still cold but warm.

i want to be the sun, i want to be the breeze...

i want the monarchs & swallowtails, the lawn mowers & never-ending birdsongs...

today we laughed as hard as we could, "mission impossible style"

a love letter lost, laying on the ground

anonymous but sacred.

i wish it would feel like it did all the time.

i don't know what happened.

the ambulance screams.

i lay blinking in the moon-less dark.

my thighs warm against my stomach.

but for the first time, i know the only one who can free me, is me.

and i'll pull you along
until there's no need
as we run with whimsy along
the unbounded lakes

i will be right there
from sunrise to sunset
& all of the suns in between

our summer captured in seconds
until september ends,
we'll replay it until the curtain closes

a summer felt
in toes buried deep in the hot sand,
in cinnamon roll icing on the tips of our tongues,
in the tall grass that makes our legs itch,
& in the sting from a day spent too long beneath the sun

i'll hold your hand
as we drive through those trees
with the same sultry breeze
running wild through your sandy hair

a summer
through a camera lens,
where the glances are noticed only by
you & me

the graze of your fingertips
turn me wild, maddened with deepened
desire and fondness
as the road widens & winds

a summer
painted in blinding golds & puffy pinks,
far away from all the cities & dreams.
"this is one of our own," you'll say, as we build our house of hopes

the frogs & crickets
are no match for our harmony
& the unpicked flowers should be jealous
of the ones i will place behind your ear

a summer of
flushed cheeks & breathlessness,
fireflies in gentle palms,
& dandelion seeds scattered across your river

leaves with veins,
something so fragile-perceived
can grow through crack or concrete

i will move closer
& hold onto you tightly
even if we're in a sea of strangers

a summer of firsts
and exploration
and experiences

a summer of rain,
fireworks on your birthday
and sitting through lightning storms with you because you want me to

a summer of doting
and "finally"'s
and running

only this time,
not away from something
but towards  e v e r y t h i n g . . . . .

no matter how pure,
how nourishing, or how flourishing...

the itch drives me mad as i wait for it to heal...
impatient, i rub it just enough to satisfy it.

i wake up with dried blood crusted over my ankle,
where the scab used to reside...

a wound re-opened is a wound likely to stain, rip, and ruin every innocent thing in its path... i leave you with one word or less.

i stammer into the bathroom, and gather the tools needed.

THE ACHE! THE ACHE!...

i prepare for the procedure and breathe heavily...
with shaky hands i attempt to craft my own suture:
_  _  _

THEY'LL SEE YOU FOR WHAT YOU ARE!...

no assistant at my side, always the lone surgeon.
it bleeds...it bleeds...it bleeds...

a tourniquet, a needle, a thread.
just enough so abandonment doesn't show up at my door.

THE NOISE...THE NOISE...

just enough to heal in time for them to love me...
just enough to forget that seemingly perpetual past...

THEY'LL LEAVE...THEY'LL LEAVE...

THEY ALWAYS DO! THEY ALWAYS DO!...

DON'T SHOW! DON'T TELL! JUST FEEL!

deafening silence, whispered cries, and visible sighs.
NO MORE! NO MORE! NO MORE! . . .

i open my eyes as the sweat falls from my brow...
the blood is no more and my heart is full.

the silence has come and the light floods the bathroom floor...
my hands stop trembling and my heart beats slow.

i stand up and stay there for a moment.
i turn around and walk out...

out and to you.
out and to my love...

for now,
or for forever . . .

When we speak,
I am cautious.

I don't want
you to hurt me.

I will build my wall
and hope for you
to gently undo
my work.

Show me I can
trust.

Show me I can
give myself away
for you.

Show me I can
and not have to be afraid
of being
h u r t.

Break down
the wall I build between us
for the right reasons.

So I can love you
the way I know how to love.

I don't want to build
this wall

Make me see I don't have to.

Make me feel safe
with you

Make me feel
seen
heard
known

Make me feel loved
by you
as I want to make you feel.

every time i look at that striped sweater i think of us.
standing in the middle of that crowd in the pale blue lights,
sore throats & your thumbs in my belt loops.

we were going to rise above the rest,
rise above the rest who tried & tried but landed
sooner than they hoped
& fly with the eagles...

i had all my cutest outfits
picked out, hung up, lined up
waiting for you

but now i wear them alone
as i sit at our favorite coffee shop
where we first talked.

i should be there with you,
laughing at all the funny faces
your niece makes when she eats pizza

i should be there with your hand
intertwined with mine under the table,
as we sing happy birthday to your mom
as she blows out her wishes.

you should be here in the car with me
as we sing tennessee whiskey off-key
with the windows rolled all the way down,
taking in the last of the summer air

the wind doesn't know how lucky it is
that it gets to run wild through your soft brown hair
the way my fingers used to.

i'm walking on thin ice,
they say.

but really,
i'm skating on it.

whatever i'm in,
wherever i am,
in spite, i'll make it nice.

thick or thin;
i lift high, my chin.

or maybe i say i'm "skating"
but hide the truth;
i don't know how to skate.

you said you'd teach me someday,
one day there we will be...
you standing behind me,
our arms stretched out...
your hands guiding mine,
barely touching but just enough to
steady my balance...
clumsy but graceful.
there we glide blissfully across the ice
beneath the soft-falling snow & glow of
the plaza,
our hearts pounding...pausing amidst the raving city...

you said you'd teach me someday.
you said you'd teach me one day . . .




.

~

this is me healing.
this is me longing.
this is me struggling.
this is me living.
this is me loving.
this is me moving on.
this is me finding myself.
this is me forgiving myself.
this is me loving myself.
this is me remembering.
this is me recovering.
this is me trying.
this is me learning.
this is me changing.
this is me growing.
this is me falling.
this is me standing back up.
this is me reflecting.
this is me coping.
this is me processing.
this is me expressing.
this is me feeling like myself again.
this is me healing.

~

I always imagine myself
telling you exactly what
I am feeling in the moment,
and how I am feeling it.

This never goes as planned.

The rain pours heavily on
the car roof,
The windows are decorated
with droplets that cast a
gentle shadow, speckled across
your moonlit face.

When our lips meet,
the words never come
like I mean for them to...

When our lips meet,
the words don't work
nearly as accurately as
everything else does in the
moment...

Every subtle & gentle touch
is a language speaking all on its own.
We have no need to speak
with words any longer...

I know every word
you are telling me
without you even saying a thing...

The lightning lights up
the night sky
with every intention of
bringing us closer,
our electricity creating more..

The thunder
that our pounding hearts
make when we get one second
to reunite..

carpet floor,
i rest my chin
atop my knee.

behind the door,
swallowed whole
by my oversized
tear-stained
t-shirt.

i sit back against the
velvet green and red
holiday skirts,
work jeans,
and pajama tops.

muffled sobs
amidst the
kaleidoscope closet.

nowhere is my
comfort zone
when i feel this way...

bruised wrist.

bloodshot eyes.

raw cupid's bow.

broken heart.

why...
all i can ask
why...does everything i do and say...
all i can feel
everything i do...
all i can think
every breath i take...
all i can believe
everything i say...
all i can see
every little thing...
just
why...


bittersweet memories
or just bitter.

watching you
walk beside her...
behind the tall glass,
watching her inaudible laughs
as you make jokes to her...

watching as your smile disappears
when i'm around.

the physicality
of emotion
as i feel my heart
ache...pounding...
quieter as if it knows
it's about to break
if i allow myself to look...

to look when she walks
you to the door...
smiling
laughing
talking
dancing...

all i can do is watch...
or pretend i do not see...
i hate that i always do.

the way i'm making everything worse
when i try to make them better...

you hate it.
you hate it.
you hate it.

wondering why you don't see...
why you don't see why i'm always so unsure..

you tell me in your silence...
you tell me in your eyes...
you tell me in your words, if i'm lucky...

the words that are daggers,
slowly twisting blades,
deeper, without remorse.

the way it feels as though
you want me to know
how bad i make everything...
how inconvenient my
too-much-not-enough existence is...

like a tick that won't let go...

actions speak louder than words.
silence speaks louder than both.

water turns to ***.

night sweats
and tangled hair tossed into
a too-high bun.

stragglers of stray
curls, twirls and twists
falling gently on either side
of flushed cheeks.

when sunrises won't turn to sunsets
fast enough.

a red rubber band.

five-hundred no's.

tears and tummy aches.

silence . . .

a beige rubber band.

silence follows . . .

i loved who i was...

silent words.

i loved who we were...

you never noticed me since...

tears and tummy aches.

i'm unsure of who i am these days

do you make me forget
or remember?

masterpiece.

work-in-progress.

human.

mistakes.

"­**** near perfect"...

mess.

*"best"...

Time is a thief,
I learned today

Where were you
as I took the bullet?
("I do care")

And the second one?
("I do care")

And the third one?
("I do care")

And the fourth one?
("I do care")

Will I be alone
if there's a fifth?

Why did it take this long for you to suddenly want to be there?
Where were you when I needed you the first time?

"We're just friends."

Haunted by words.

You may as well be the one
pulling the trigger.

You forget that saying nothing can be more painful than saying something hurtful.

And time is a thief,
I learned today.

Will we do something we'll regret or
will we not do something & regret it?

I want to feel like you want to
know me.
see me.
hear me.
protect me.
love me.

Bright & certain
in the beginning of the Before.

And where will you be?

Where will you be...

not a day that went by
did the lull become dull.

every waking moment that passed,
only deepened the ache
that roared within
these weary bones.

every atom
every cell
every heart beat
every inhale
every exhale
and with every fiber
of my being,
do i still want you.

i wanted you then
i want you now

will you want me too?

every moment
every memory
every glance
every touch

you live inside of me now,
from the moment our
souls collided
like the inevitability
of the thrashing navy waves
crashing upon the rocks at shore.

"i had all
and then most of you,
some, and now none of you..."

i find you in the gold sunrises,
i find you in the pink sunsets.

i find you in the california poppies,
and among the ripe sweet figs.

i find you between the branches and rained-on leaves,
park benches and hearts on sleeves.

i find you in the supermarket flowers,
i find you in the browning pages between my fingers . . .

mostly, i find you in the words.
the words between the soft melodies
and heavy harmonies . . .

the songs i used to throw myself into
i consciously avoid,
like a wound you are too afraid to rip
the bandage off too soon in case it hasn't
healed fully . . .

yet it's all i feel i have left of you . . .

darling
you never called me by my name

darling . . .
don't leave me,
not now
not ever . . .

the time,
reckless.
abandoning ship
as it uncontrollably
tears through all
sense and space.

the time . . .
the time we lost,
never saved . . .

time we had,
never made . . .

the time we made,
never had . . .

never paused,
never tamed . . .

not reclaimed,
just replayed . . .

I'm tired
of living in constant
trauma
from innocently loving you

I'm tired
of living in constant
pain
as my consequence for loving you

I'm tired
of worrying about
not having my family by my side
as punishment for loving you

I'm tired
of feeling like
everything but
myself...

Anger

Grief

Sadness

Impatience

Unkindness

Hop­elessness

Shame

Wrongful

Disappointing

Beyond repair

I'm tired
of being called
names I don't dare write
by those who say they love me

I'm tired
of the judgement
I've received from those whose
opinion I value most

I'm tired
of the abuse I had to
endure (still)
& then be told I
"did it to myself"

I'm tired
of living like this.

I'm tired.

This is not like me.

I'm tired.

I cannot do this anymore.

I'm tired.

I miss myself.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of not being happy.

I'm tired.

the thought of hurting me
no longer hurts you.

I call out for you
reaching my hand out
to pull you out
from under...

You don't seem to hear me
nor do I feel you want to

I ask everyone around me
"Have you seen him?"
. . .
"Do you know where he went?"
. . .
No one seems to know
nor do I feel they want to tell me

Why are you slipping away?
Was I right all along?
Will I make you realize
I am not what you
thought you loved?
Will I make your eyes see
who I really am
to watch you turn around & walk away. . .

My hand pulls back
as I fall into the black void
between vivid dreams & waking life

Toss & turn..
but when I wake,
will I still be dreaming? . . . . .

limited.

vulnerable.

raw.

primitive privileges.

pen.

paper.

outdoors.

you.

aching.

longing.

me­.

pen.

paper.

dear j,

i'm trying not to allow my emotions get the best of me.
i won't lie and tell you that that isn't hard,
because it is.
that's all i've ever been.
a little ball of intense emotions, longing to unravel, simultaneously scared to let you see because i fear you'd abandon me after being vulnerable.
i've learned that fear, is a liar.
it drives us to hesitate...procrastinate...prolong inaction.
so i also learned something about myself.
my fears exist because things are so important to me, i don't want to lose them.
and you are one of those things.

last night,
i stood in front of the mirror hanging on my bedroom wall
as an intrusive revelation danced through my head...
i've always hated myself for feeling so connected to others that i feel an unhealthy attachment.
and if i'm honest, that has never been "poison" for another...
it has only ever been "poison" to myself.
some people's chemicals combine awfully with ours and a toxic chemical reaction occurs damaging our outlook on the world, love, and ourselves...
while some people's chemicals combine smoothly, beautifully, naturally, and organically enhancing our outlook on love, challenging our perspective on the world, and supporting our mindset of ourselves.
call me mad...but i realize that i am not co-dependent either.
i have never felt like i needed anyone in order to feel complete..
at least not anymore..
"be with someone you WANT to be with,"
my mother says to me...
"not someone you NEED..."

i've never wanted someone
before i saw you..

i know who i am.
i feel complete on my own.
i love feeling independent.
i feel comfortable being by myself (not that i always love it...that would be lonely & selfish of me).
i'm aware i am equipped with everything i need within (though you are my compliment).
i can emphasize & embrace myself.
i can be deep, true, & authentic.
i am confident in what i'm crafted to do in this life...
this one life...

i love who i am.
i feel beautiful & happy in my own skin that i don't depend on other's words to view myself as worthy or valuable.
i used to hate my sensitivity in this wicked world but now i realize that it is a gift...
it is a rarity
and i will never allow anyone to convince me otherwise.
i wouldn't rather be anything or anyone else.

i want you in my life.
and that's my problem now.
you no longer want me in yours.

i called you..
you picked up on the third try..
then hung up after one second
like it was an accident.
was it?

i learned three things.
1) promises were meant to be broken.
2) perhaps i'm the only one in it for "we".
3) your love is conditional..

i'd love you no matter where we are or
what circumstances we are in...making the most of what we would have, through the thick and thin.
while you will only love me now if circumstances are...perfect.

my present best will not be my forever best.
i've not asked for too much..
and neither have you, love...

my one question for the evening is;
if we can have each other some day..if we met again..
would you still want me?
would you want us . . .

sincerely,
d

i sit plainly,

staring...blankly.

clouds thick,

the stars are dim

but the ones in my eyes are never fading...

love, are you tired of waiting?

you once told me that i am worth everything...

though now you sit silent.

11:11

come back to me...
words, mind, heart, body, and soul
come back to me...

know that it is not your approval that i seek...

it is your reciprocity that i am
missing...

craving...

longing...

needing...

wanting...

­.

i see us walking
in the big park as i drive by.

21 questions,
sun shining bright,
curious about each other,
& before we held hands.
we're alive.

"fast car" played
through the speaker
as i lay in the dentist office
beige leather chair.

parking lot seagulls
flying across the winter sky
on the other side of the snow-speckled pane.
i let out a long sigh.

how much longer
until this skin gets to graze home?

my social clumsiness
threw me in for a plot twist,
& not the good kind.

"grief is an ACTIVE process..."
my professor says.
a day of
prolonged sighs.

monday mourning
FRESH START
tuesday blues
FRESH START
wednesday...

Empty stomach.

The butterflies are hungry

Only by my eyes meeting you again
will they be fed.

i notice your sighs..
your pain is my pain.
i notice your eyes..
they tell me everything.
i notice the way you walk
when you feel low..
i noticed the way you looked
at my lips right before you
pressed yours against mine..
i notice your excitement..
i celebrate with you
from a distance..
i notice the exhaustion
that weighs heavy upon your weary
shoulders..
i know that i cannot take it away,
but i want you to let me
carry it with you..
i can take on more
than you think i can..
i can take on more
than everyone thinks i can..
i can take on more
than i think i can..
i'll take you..
i'll take you and everything
that comes with you..
i'll take you and all of your
brokenness..
your flaws..
faults & mistakes..
regrets & insecurities..
your hurt & perfect imperfections..
everything you want me to see as well as everything
you want no one to see..
everything you think will scare me away..
i'll love you..
i'll love you more because of these things..
i never ask for perfection..
just authenticity..
vulnerability..
truth..
passion..
trust..
i wish you would know how much it hurts
to hear you say you feel i don't know you..
i felt that i have known you my whole life
the second i saw you from across the room . . .
the second i saw you . . .
you've no idea . . .
i wanted to know your pain,
and all the while feeling like i already knew it..
because i felt it.
we were made from the
same stars..
same clay..
same hands..
same breath..
you are my twinflame . . .
the things that had to happen
in order for to be (re)united..
please, tell me it wasn't just me . . .

my melatonin kicked in strong & the last thing i remember seeing through the sleepy haze was a bright & golden 11:11 staring boldly back at me, demanding to be wished upon...
i made a wish but i can't remember what it was.

i crafted my heart into carefully selected diction for you, you said it meant more than i'd ever know to you...if that was true then why did you let me go?...

were you just an undercover bad boy, a face behind a masquerade mask? were you just sweet because you knew i always have a sweet tooth, because you knew you should be? were you remarkably thoughtful because you knew i was too, so i could think we were cut from the same cloth?...

i wake up every morning & wonder if you still think of us & how it all took a turn so soon. do you still think about the fun we had? do you still remember how we could never say goodbye before midnight with messy hair & flushed cheeks? do you still think about the stranger smiles & glances shared between two, the way the peach wine made me dizzy or the way you held my hand against your stick shift...

i gave you my everything because i knew you appreciated it...i gave you my all because i knew you loved it...because i knew you wanted to see it, know it, have it, want it, need it, keep it...

but were you just an undercover bad boy, just another face in the sea of strangers? were you just another narcissistic sociopath with an ulterior motive posing as a regular? were you just another walking heartbreaker, was i just another pawn in your game? was it all just a game?...

i remember thinking you were mine forever, and i can't say that you loved me because you never got there, but tell me darling why, why did it feel like you did?...

i was honest, i was true...i was falling without a clue...i was brave, i was bold...i was new, and you knew...i was me, we felt free...we were real, we were deep...we were vulnerable, we were everything they all wish they had...

please tell me darling that you were never just an undercover bad boy...tell me you were everything you showed yourself to be...that you were exactly who you told me you were, & that your feelings were true...tell me you meant every word, every dance, every song, every smile, every kiss, every touch, every glance...

you made me feel
like i was something . . .
you left suddenly
and tried (and succeeded)
to make me feel like
nothing . . .
i convinced myself
that it's okay
because i love you . . .
but it isn't . . .

i should be thinking of him
not you.

i guess i must still miss you because
i am sleeping with my head where my feet usually are,
and i don't do that unless my depression is acting up.

i was a one-track mind
with nothing but you
going round and round
on my baby blue crosley.

but you always had everything else
that wasn't me on your mind.

even now you're still a
rare breath of fresh air

"i'm usually good with parents,
except when they hate me.
but i can't blame them
because i wouldn't date me"

and i still talk to you
but your pale blue eyes
don't make up for your
stone cold heart

and i can't help but wonder if
i helped make it that way.

i didn't know it was possible to
miss someone
even though they're right next to you.

i wanted to be your
17th & last
and after all we've done
they can call it what they want,
but i will never be able to rewrite the past.

you were my reputation
from the beginning
middle
and end.

maybe i am
more fun to miss than to be with?

there are things i didn't get to say to you,
things i will never say now
because i can't
i shouldn't
but also because i no longer want to...

we were always better at talking with our eyes
anyway...we were fluent in silence.

the way a mere graze could set our souls afire
but we have to put that away now.

i want you to try...
i want you to try...

try to get better
try to move on
try to forgive me
try to remember
try to allow love in
try to feel & feel it deeply,
don't hold it back...
try to just say things,
because the other person
may be dying
to hear your words...

and i will try
to make sense of this
unfinished business.

i told you
i told you.

so it wasn't like it was a surprise
it shouldn't have been a surprise.

a few words could make you run
were you always on the run?

i told you i was fine
are we ever really fine?

but i don't want to enter the new year without you
i don't want to without you . . .

I cannot compete because I've already won.

9
13-9-19-19
25-15-21

i know why it hurts this much..
it's because you loved me so hard.
how could i not see it?
i loved you so hard.
could you not feel it? . . .
but now it's too late..
you're gone..
"i'm still here.."
you're gone . . .