i know it's cliche,
but i am my own worst enemy.
whenever things go well,
my negativity takes over -
and all that good is clouded by
'what if?'s,
self-doubt,
anxiety,
self-loathing.


(and things always go south,
and i'm always the cause)

what a feeling
to be falling
for someone.
it's amazing
(but scary)
(because i don't know if it's mutual)

i want someone
to look at me
that way
johnny
looks at loretta
in moonstruck.
the way
johnny
looks at baby
in ***** dancing.

i no longer constantly write
from a place of sadness and hurt.
i am trying to write
from a place of happiness and light
because those feelings of
happiness and love
are what i want to feel
all the time.

i spent almost all of my teenage years
being sad and miserable -
doing horrible things to myself
and to the ones i love the most.
i never want to go back there
ever again.
i want to fianlly be happy with myself,
my body,
who i am as a person.

and i think i can do that.

perfection is
a hot cup of coffee
in a cafe full of strangers.
perfection is
christmas music
playing softly in the background.
perfection is
thanksgiving
and all the love it brings.
perfection is
christmas
and all the joy it brings.
perfection is
family gathered together
in rooms filled with love and laughter.
perfection is
mass on christmas eve
and the peace it brings.
perfection is
sleeping in on christmas morning
and waking up to a house filled with the smell of the ham cooking.
perfection is
the smiles on my loved ones' faces.
perfection is
a hug
from someone i love.
perfection is
a hot cup of coffee
in a cafe full of strangers.

to my (future) husband,
as i sit and write this, i don't know if i've met you yet.
but i honestly hope i have.

if you're reading this,
thank you for honoring my ridiculous request
to do the final dance number that baby and johnny did from ***** dancing
at our wedding
(if we didn't do the lift, it's okay)

thank you for always being there.
through the breakdowns,
the rants,
all the bad.

thank you for always being there.
through the endless summers,
the sunny days that turned into fire lit nights,
the endless godfather marathons,
all the good.

i will always be there for you -
through all the bad
and all the good.
through your successes
and failures
i will be there.

and i will love you until the day i die.

when i am sad, oh god i'm sad
but when i'm happy, dear god i'm the happiest person on the planet.
but those moments are fleeting.
those moments of pure, unadulterated happiness are the moments
i long for the most.
it's like i'm chasing a high i'll never get.
i'm like an addict,
constantly looking for my next hit in whatever crosses my path,
a cup of coffee,
a friendly face,
a song,
the sun on my skin,
leaves crunching under my feet,
trivial things,
anything.
those small things that used to bring light into my world
barely create a spark now.

i was doing well,
i was genuinely happy.

what happened?