Feelings of you
created by you
swirl within my heart

And all I can feel is
wholehearted trust for you
and within myself

It feels as if the past
has been shattered into oblivion
nothing else truly matters
but to give all I have to you
I vow to give you every part of me
heart and soul
concocted into who I am

A person still shackled to her past,
but also a person full of compassion and awe,
she’d set your world alight.

You’ve giving me the courage to trust again
and how you make me feel—
this trust I have for you
may forever be ineffable

I drown myself in music.
To forget everything I feel.
I remember and feel nothing
but what i am hearing at this very moment.

I need to forget it all.
Forget the shame,
the pain,
the agony of it all.

Every line I step across.
I only burden myself.

Every friendship I make turns to ruins.

Every cut
Every blood dropped on to the pavement
was all for you.

You broke me.
And all their touches deformed my heart.

But here I am
Still alive.

The iridescent light
Lingers in to her eyes.

I feel silence envelope me
As I stare in awe.

Her voice whispers
She will come back to me.

I watch her footsteps,
Slowly fade.

With the sound of the rustling leaves
An imprint left
in to the soft soiled ground.

As I see her
She smiles back at me.

Her presence aglow.
I feel her embrace me.

A last goodbye.

Our last moment together on earth.
As we silently cross paths
Only to find
that we were't meant to be.

As I say my last goodbye.
Tears stream down my eyes.
For I feel guilt
In not understanding you better
Not being patient enough.

But, now I see.
I did all that I could
To give you time and respect.
Only to realize you never loved me.

You were too selfish
and afraid to love me back maybe.

I changed my self for you.
But
It seems you never realized what I did
Only to make you see what I would do for you.

I only wanted affection.
But,
You could care less
About making me feel cared for.

Although,
Maybe I was too needy for you.
In the end,
It's better that I broke up with you.

You taught me to never expect things.
To love myself more
In case, the one you love does't love you back.

Everything happens in life
For a good reason.
Whether it's good or bad.

Life teaches us more than we think it does.

The calm always comes after the storm.

Alone but not
when others fail to treat you well
and when you suffer from demons within

You rely on those demons
to come and save you
all over again
a concept I believe
others without demons 
can ever comprehend

Because people can't be trusted
because I'm too ingenuous to see
overly kind and take their side
instead of my own

In my hearts eyes
it's crystal clear 
that I can't always be accepted
who would
but my demons do
so why seek love

Anyone would see me as insane
but I chose to be this way
because I'm done 
burdening others that fall for me
I should be fine on my own

You feel a part of you chip away
shh, don't say a word
don't let anyone see
this is our little secret

Every time
every second
always longing
for a way out

To stop feeling
his haunting words
his sickening touch

Pressing down
her mind too corrupted
to let her breathe

Nowhere else
to turn
but inwards

Deep
and safe
inside her mind

A world of
self destructive love
Her only way out
never giving up

Words can empower us
It can break us and devour our hearts
Until we're cold as stone

Words
Poetry, fictional stories
are all lifelines to our souls

To help reconnect with each other
To heal the wounded and broken

We are reborn through words
both hurtful and heartfelt

I write to remind myself
That I am never alone
That I can make it through this
I can conquer my darkest fears and the lies

I will prevail

The sky is clear
And as dark as can be
I feel something tugging at my core
From beyond the stars

I rest my soul
And let it wander

It only pulls me deeper into myself
My deepest desires
My fears
Longings I thought I'd lost in time

She reaches out to me
I take her hand and
Ever so gently
She shows me the way into the light
Away from the darkness
I feel freedom sweep over me

All I want is to be here
Swaying with her and the stars
Circling all around us

I inhale bliss
And exhale passion

Time is stunned
And I'm finally at peace with myself

I'm where I belong
With words
And living this life

At times
I feel
it's slowly eating me alive.

Sacrificing my sanity
in order to save other people's lives.

It's just a habit
I cannot break.

And a gift
I don't take for granted.

I've already let go of my heart.
You gave me no other choice.

You always crushed my faith in life
So unpredictably
You were able to shatter my dreams
Without saying a word.

The silent presence of you was enough to **** me.

You'll never knew that I kept our secret.

You've defeated me completely.

Yet my heart still beats heavily.

Filled with memories and emotions of you.

I want you to know.
But instead I decided to just let it go.

Let the past be left as a stain inside my heart.

So you will never know the truth.
What damage you put into me.

I'm speechless to speak to you.
Still in fear.

I'm already standing on higher ground.

Tears will always be shed from time to time because of you.
I've already picked up the peaces you left for me.

Somehow I think I surpassed you.

I found a brighter light.
I found myself again.

Flower petals drift into the stream
stars fall from the sky
as they light up the earth

So close to my heart
I remember the day we first met

Your warmth
your love
your presence flows in and out of me

And like silk you slip away in to the distance
the wind taking you freely into the skies

I long to be with you again
I long to hear your voice
be in your loving embrace once more

You are the light
that always shines brightly
when I'm lost in the dark

Please don't ever change

I fill these pages
with long overdue confessions
of you.

Things may have been better between us
if some words were left unsaid.

I still think momentarily
of the things you said.

The anger in your voice
And hatred in your eyes.

You never would have expected me
to ask you such a heart-stopping question
that night.

I close my eyes
whenever I recall that night.

I take myself back
in to the depths of my fears.

A place you have long made me forget.

By now
you and I
are like any other family.

Even now
I feel I am still carrying a burden.
A piece of the past that I need to forget.

I will be okay.

One step forward
and two steps back.

I know that in the end
My life will feel whole again.

The burning desire
to live, grow,
and flourish just as you are

Let that guide you,
being your own protector
and advocate,
far into the horizon

Where the
shadows dissipate
and dreams come to life

These words which I write
From the lead of my pencil
Are words of not only truth
But also of hope

Hope
Which I give to myself

These words flow out of me
As if they are my last words
While I am still alive

My creation from ashes and sadness
Swirling its colours so lightly
Watching it create a world of its own

My safe place
Where I long to keep my secrets

A silent haven
The depths of my mind and heart
Where every piece of me is stored

I feel invincible
When  lost in this world

With a heavy heart
In return
It fuels me

To weave through my mind
Finding the hidden source
That's corrupting my sanity

And there, I find peace again
Intertwining myself and I
Where I belong

He says my name.
Pulls me in close.

Whispers to me passionately
"I love you".

I feel distorted.
Trapped
Lost in time.

I can't feel
My body's gone.

Away from my mind
And my self.

He clings on to me
Like a spider

Unwinds his web
As he silently moves.

Alone in the dark.
I lay in pain.

Tears that taste of betrayal
And mind-numbing fear.

I lay there
Unable to move-
Voiceless
And in tears.

He calls my name again
With fake sympathy.

He rolls back
On to his side.
Muttering words of disgust.

3 am
I'm still lying
Wide awake.

Thinking of redemption
Lost dreams,
and suicide.

Oh, how peaceful
it sounds.

I can learn to live with my shadow-
My demons-
Created by the past.

Sometimes I feel
As if I never made it out alive.

But, I will keep hoping
That in time.

Maybe I'll be alright.

I was naive
Too broken
and distorted
To see

With the past
occupying my mind

I never saw
that what he did
Was a crime.

Blinded by trust
He found his chance
To take away my soul.

This time I cried out
Stopping him from
doing anymore damage.

He stopped with a sigh
Wishing
that my voice would've stayed
Inside.

Wanting more
of what was mine.

I prevented further damage
Yet I realize now
That it was too late.

He succeeded
In obtaining my heart
And tearing it away.

My soul and mind
Clash
In to one.

The music
surrounding the room
Lingers
then fades.

And I feel no more.

Then realization hits me-
I was *****.

I'm a shard of glass
Splintered in to everyone's lives
Once I implode
Once depression swallows me whole

My mind goes blank
I feel nothing but emptiness
And acts of self harm
swarm inside my heart

When will I feel like I'm enough
When will it all cease to exist
When can I feel unshadowed
by this darkness

Words are what truly saved me
Despite all the harmful acts
I'd put upon myself

Written words became my voice
I couldn't vocalize

Words broke me down
And then recreated me

I will continue
to live and breathe words

Silence
It deafens my world

Numbness that engulfs me whole
I'm nothing but air
Which no one can see

I'm terrified of my own demons
They thrive
Without being seen

My heart
My mind
These demons are intertwined

As silence grows within me
I start to lose all sense
Of what it means to feel alive

Where am I
How can I feel
When all I see
And taste
Is complete darkness

You created my darkness
You created my sexuality

I'm stable
I'm uncontrollable
I'm a **** in disguise
What no one else can see

I'm a child
weeping to be heard

I'm a *******
Seeking vengeance
love
and acceptance

I know it's all in my head
The aftermath of the hurt you've made me endure
But I can't find a cure

I'm at an end
Nothing can save me

Alone
I'll forever feel alone

Even if you’re afraid,
it’s okay to take your time,
but you have to move forward.

Security is what I crave
and words that
allow me to express
my deepest needs,
my darkest fears,
and unfathomable longings

Enveloped by frisson
as certain words
seep, like silk
into my veins
and there
lies everlasting
serenity 
all that I am

This love I share with you.
This love I feel for you.
Without you,
I would have faded years ago.

You took me in
and nourished me with unconditional love.
You gave me the strength to see hope,
and showered me with your smiles and laughter.

You gave me so much that I never knew existed.
Words cannot express what I feel for you.

I need you to stay with me,
for without you,
I fear I'll sink back into the depths of my fearful acts.

I still struggle,
but I want to tell you that your love keeps me moving forward.
I hope you can understand what I'm feeling,
for this will never change.

I will never take our small moments for granted.
These memories are a reminder
of how lucky I am
to have found you.

You're forever the light in my life.

She walks toward the bright sky.
Her face glowing from the rays of the evening light.

And she tries to forget all that she's felt.
Everything from the past and the present, that she try's to stay sane in.

She longs for warm arms to embrace her.
Cold heart breaking with despair.

Her heartbeat races and palpates.
A sudden feeling of loss and grief encircling her.

All she can do now is breathe.
Slowly and calmly.

As she stares out in to the sky,
Now twilight.
She inhales and exhales.
Smells the scent of the memories she's left far behind.

A past she longs to be forgotten.
A relationship she desperately wants back.
To feel normal again.

The wind slowly starts to pick up.
As if it reads her thoughts,
and abruptly,
blows her thoughts into the darkened night sky.

She stands alone in the dark.
Waiting for a sign of hope.
Waiting for her thoughts of him to diminish.

It dawns on her that it will never be gone.
She will never be fee nor alone.
Everything she's felt for him.
Everything she's heard and witnessed.
It'll never leave her side.
And will remain in her heart.
Like an invisible needle disguised between threads.

She stays in her silent solitude.
Hoping the more she tries to move on.
She can and will eventually be happy again.
And will be able to feel nothing but that.
Even with him.

"Time will tell", says a quiet voice in her head.
And she thinks no more.

Like glass.
He saw right through me.

Right down to my core-
Where everything was in pieces.
Lost with a fragile heart.

Verbally and emotionally abused.
Shunned from reality.

To bleed was her escape.
She had her words taken away one night.

Voiceless
Suicidal.

Too distorted to have a mind of her own.
Selling herself to strangers.
She'd never left so numb.

The world was bleak.
She only lived in her shadow.
The memories of him.

She took her luck too far
She made a deal with life-

Choose the wrong path and you'll come face to face with Death.

Death came and took her soul.
Ripped it apart.

Naked on deaths bed.
She was cremated into a lost soul.

No number of cuts were enough
To take the agony away.

An imprint of her identity was sewn on to her heart.

How much longer will I have to remember?
How many times will I have to tell myself to 'just forget it'?

I can not seek revenge,
I mustn't let death win.

One day
I will have the power to cease these memories of you.

She walks toward the bright sky.
Her face glowing from the rays of the evening light.

And she tries to forget all that she's felt.
Everything from the past and the present, that she try's to stay sane in.

She longs for warm arms to embrace her.
Cold heart breaking with despair.

Her heartbeat races and palpates.
A sudden feeling of loss and grief encircling her.

All she can do now is breathe.
Slowly and calmly.

As she stares out in to the sky,
Now twilight.
She inhales and exhales.
Smells the scent of the memories she's left far behind.

A past she longs to forget.
A relationship she desperately wants back.
To feel normal again.

The wind slowly starts to pick up.
As if it reads her thoughts,
and abruptly,
blows her thoughts into the darkened night sky.

She stands alone in the dark.
Waiting for a sign of hope.
Waiting for her thoughts of him to diminish.

It dawns on her that it will never be gone.
She will never be fee nor alone.
Everything she's felt for him.
Everything she's heard and witnessed.
It'll never leave her side.
And will remain in her heart.
Like an invisible needle disguised between threads.

She stays in her silent solitude.
Hoping the more she tries to move on.
She can and will eventually be happy again.
And will be able to feel nothing but that.
Even with him.

"Time will tell", says a quiet voice in her head.
And she thinks no more.

Take the plunge
face your fears.
And through doing so
underlying courage appears.

I’m slipping  through the cracks again.
But hope tells me to hold on

I wonder if someday
I can weave myself
in and out of my mind

Vivid images
still seared deep inside

Some days I wonder
if I was really meant to stay alive

I feel the rush of existance
it once brought me so long ago
I long to feel alive again
to have the fleeting moment of ecstasy

I tap into my soul
it starts to unfold
as I let it take me there

Everything is lost
and yet emotions are strong

As I let my sanity
wander into oblivion
I am sold

I sell myself to all that lies within me-
emptiness, lust, desire, longings
of needing to feel wanted and alive

I slide another blade down my skin
as red pours over me
I let myself feel soothed
and stay in the stillness I call home

I know
without a doubt
that you'll never leave me

Music brings us together
We all lean on it
at times.

To feel understood
and heard.

A blinding light enters a room
alighting her as a whole
feeling as if it's meant to be

She tries to hold the light
into the palm of her hands
as it seeps through
silently, like water

She holds the lingering
touch of it
close to her chest
as she hears a little voice

Her inner child
sending her words of comfort
to heal the wounds
from her past

She too now knows
that nothing can harm them
together they will overcome

The voice whispers into her soul
she feels her heart aglow
"Stay with me", she says
she didn't want to break this spell

Her soul speaking
feeling reassured
knowing that time will come

Their time will come
and it will never be too far

Still learning the ropes
of how to survive
how to love myself
and keep my heart protected
while secretly longing for new love
to embrace me as I am

And yet, to guide me through
this treacherous storm
through fields of
lavender and ashes

Staying hopeful
I cling onto what I'd always have
my sense of self
and a heartfelt desire

And ever so slowly
I take another step forward
holding my heart in my hands
longing to be cherished again

A familiar sense
of longing
and hopelessness.

I feel her reach
into my mind.

Discreetly twisting the neurones
making me lose all sense of control.

What I feel
is never what I see.

I feel distorted
and completely alone.

I’m my own barrier.

This invisible wall
that cannot be seen
or broken down.

My safe haven
My cell.

Falling in to myself again
I hear her call my name
I pray that she’d save me this time

She pulls me back in
every single time
She know’s I’m still fragile

I fall into her grasp
Hoping it’s the last time

This disease that carries me
Just may be the end of me.

The urges and thoughts
toy with my heart
my mind collapsing in
what feels like slow motion

Old habits revitalized
like a dying need
to **** in a breath
after my soul being
bound and *****

A torturous nightmare
intertwined with the shadow
of truth and surrealness

Funny how trauma can forever
stain the mind with so many
shades of colors from the
darkest of blacks to hauntingly white

My quiet hell from the past
where self-sabotage, fear
and delusional trust collide

Deciding to live resiliently
I stride forward while fighting this endless silent war,
to reclaim my sense of self-worth

Putting my heart on paper
I know I am alive

I sabotage myself
because of all this hurt
because I fear no one
will love me ever again

And if they do
it will only be temporary
they will view me as
a burden eventually

I am only a stepping stone for others
who don’t want to
get to know the real
vulnerable yet selfless me

All I hope
is for a better beginning
in the long run

She comes to play with me again
tempting me
sharing secrets
that no one else can see

I fight to move on
yet I stay
embracing her comfort
I take her hand blindingly

Reminiscing
on how she never left me 
from the start
she took me in

As absurd as it seems
she makes me feel whole
loved
accepted

I fight to stay alive
I fight
hoping 
for a brighter beginning

A vulnerable feeling
An entity lost at sea

Alone in the dark
Wishing for something
Someone to claim it as their own

To nurture it with love
To accept it as it really is-
Its true form of never ending sorrow

It affects me to my very core
And because it's a part of me
As I've accepted it to be

I know I affect those around me
Those who care for me deeply

When it and I are both stuck
Glued to our inner world of inner tragedy and loss

A time for self-reflection
To be one with it
And for it to be one with me

See it as a hurting child
Longing for unconditional love
Aching to be held in a loving embrace

And once I do
All I sense is serenity

I only need to nurture it
As I, its host,
Gives it a home to sleep in

So it calls out to me once again.
This dark abyss I call my home.

It's too familiar
A grip so nostalgic
I can't let go.

A sickness that makes me feel alone.
Like a soothing drug
Yet a plague.

It's hard to feel or think
When in this state
I don't feel at all.

I let it take me there.
An invisible lead takes me whole.

I lose my self.
I'm broken once more.

The shadows of the leaves
Carve soft markings
On the pavement 
 
Crisp autum air
Soothes all my worries
As they fade along with the wind
That blows through my hair

I see my breath in the cool air
And I know I'm alive
 
I want to be absorbed
In this moment of tranquility
 
The world around me
Almost seems surreal

And all I feel is a sense
Of belonging in my heart
 
That I'm in this moment
For a reason

Painting stories of hope
Courage and
Everlasting dreams

Your words flow in and out of my mind
and goes straight into my heart

Time has stoped
and all I know
is that we were meant to be

Our silluettes
clashing with the sparks
we feel in our hearts

Stardusts
all iridescent
swirl around us
invisible to the naked eye

You will forever be the reason
why I've stayed alive.

No matter how much I want to trust
and love again
I feel as if I’m simply
damaged beyond repair
I gave my all

And as if I was merely some shadow
I felt unwanted and unseen
jealousy among other insecurities
the sense of losing everything

All I could do was either believe
everything would be okay
or withdraw from everyone I knew
including myself

I never knew love could
leave such a mark of self-hate and disgust
of terror and disorientation
about what love meant

I fear being loved again
but crave it
gaining the courage to trust
myself to trust again
is like walking on eggshells

Claiming my self worth and love
has gotten me far
yet this permanent fear
in my mind and heart
has already made a home

Music and words
are all I'll ever need
to survive in this life.

Feeling is healing.

I want out
I need out
this plague in my mind

How it takes over all of me
to a point where nothing
else exists of me

I am darkness
I feel nothing
I only sense death 
so close
it's almost comforting

I am so scared to live this life alone
but this is what I get for having 
a mind so corrupted
a soul so lost

I won't always be able to change 
in every way people need me to change

I wish I had the courage to live fully
I wish I had the courage to end it all

Whereas my soul
is smothered in
thick ashes from my past

The only way to move on
is to survive while 
dying to take my final breath

Hands shaking from fear
my heart silently shattering

He only loved me and meant well
he cared for me and cherished me
yet I'm still shellshocked
at how we lost everything

Why he kept it from me
why he thought that doing so
meant protecting me

I will never feel free from this
I will always second guess myself
and what love is

I'd give it my all again
if I could turn back time
and embrace him as he is
I'd do all I can to remind myself
he still prioritizes me
and how I should be thankful

My body still shakes
as I write and I recall
all the things I could have been
and should have been and done for him

I regret but I know I shouldn't
this had to happen
to save us both in the long run

He had to stop loving me
for a good reason
he needed to save himself
and I am just glad he did

In return I thank him
for making me resilient
in the long run

You take a breathe
Of what i exhale
You become all of me
You savor the emptiness
You plant within my mind

Ever so slowly
It grows
Darker and heavier

With every episode
It takes me away from myself

It steals my heart
And disfigures my thoughts

Every part of me is lost
A wish that could never be fulfilled
Only a star
Bound to implode

Nothing really lasts
Even a fraction of a second
can end as soon as it came

No love can last
None strong enough to endure
The madness that burrows
Itself deep within me

Unfixable
Unforgivable

I am nothing
But a mere shadow
Of existence

Seeking love
In all the
dangerous places

Nothing lasts
Not love
Not I

All that remains is
This illness
That carries me
That will always carry me

It gives me love
a feeling of being wanted 
and accepted

I guess its 
turned my brain

A never-ending 
war I never
want to forsake

Liar whispered
her soul

She’s back again
Climbs inside me
Like a virus
Just waiting
To be noticed

Blank-minded
Body-obsessed
And invisible

All I feel is you
In my head
In each cell

I draw you out
Like you’re my last resort
In knowing how it feels to be alive

Why can’t you stay away
I feel you come back for more
When I have nothing left to hold on to

I feel it gradually
engulfing my sanity
piece by piece

I feel insanely vulnerable
just by recalling your figure
 in the darkness

By hearing your voice 
all over again
reliving the life-threatening 
fear that rushed in 
and out of my heart

It was the first
and last time
I'd ever sense 
time has stopped

My soul froze
and still remains 
how you left it that night

You may have forever 
shaped and scarred me
but I haven't lost myself

The beautifulest thing about a broken past
is that the present can't be brighter than it already is
because despite the hallow-hearted days,
I let myself shine as I embraced all 
of myself, the old and the new

Found and cherished friendships of gold
miraculously reunited with true love
 after losing it before

I may still be a little bruised here and there,
I may fall down every now and then,
but I'm alive, and I can finally see that
I will forever keep going

We weren't meant to ever be together
years of wasted love and time together
only adding fuel to the flames

I've only been pushed further down
into my imaginary world I call home

Where love and kindness can't embrace me
where loneliness is my queen
and misery is my mistress