You  hurt me
In more ways than one.

You have no shame
In knowing what you've done.

You threw me under the bus
To save your reputation.

You're  selfish
Sick
Narcissistic
Psychopathic.

I know you'll come back
For me one day
But you don't deserve to be
Forgiven a second time.

What you did will forever
Be engraved into my life
But I won't let it ruin me.

A  twist in my story
created by an unspeakable act

He touched her
and in an instant
he chipped away a piece of her

Self-blame and self-hate
consumed her entirely

Her whole world was bleeding out
all her hurt and unstable emotions
being able to feel alive was everything to her

And despite fearing touch
she craved it at the same time
still a never-ending struggle

Forever bearing a heavy shadow
of doubt
insecurity
and a lost sense of self

I forgive him
but I can't undo the
damage within me
I can't erase these scars

His actions will
live within me
for as long as I'm alive

Think about what in 
life makes you the
happiest you can be

Follow the stepping stones
don't shy away from
what you know makes you come alive
and rejuvenated with love, purpose, and passion

And keep it close to your heart
because nobody can take
that away from you

My reflection
A timeless masterpiece
Of distortion and ruin

My savior and destroyer
A way to feel present
And alive

A drop of madness
Mixed with salvation

Like ink smeared onto a page
We're fused together
A collage that cant be broken

Without warning
the past envelopes my senses
distorted and reconfigured
all still deeply ingrained
when I least expect it to be

These moments make me
realize I'd failed to be human
failed to heal
and I'm terrified
this'll never leave

I can never forget your silhouette
that night and what you'd started
these scars I bare share more
than just stories of you

But as long as I'm breathing
this war within myself
will continue to be fought

You took away so much
left me in the dark
without anyone to trust
or any hope to hold on to

You broke me down
and the belief you'd engraved within me
changed me completely

As a person I was nothing
just an empty shell for others to
dig into
to break me down even further

I’m still feeling my way
through the darkness of you

You slated me with your actions and words
I’m still a slave to you

I love you
and yet I fear you

You’re my living nightmare
and I hate myself for
wanting to be close to you

You’ll never let me free will you
you’ll have me dead
before I can bring your
unspeakable actions
into the light

She finds herself trapped
as a wave of darkness
swallows her whole

Thoughts of suicide 
thoughts of intimacy 
race through her mind

Nothing can penetrate her 
for she is untouchable
when in darkness

And yet, feeling trapped
within herself
she longs to be touched

She wishes someone
would help her
find her true self
within the solitude solace gives her

That someone is herself
slowly
gradually
she chips herself away

And painstakingly
she emerges from her shell
anew

You gently take my hand
as you pull me out of the misery
that I so blinded created on my own

You took me in
embraced me
and scared away the dark

You saw who I was 
and came into my life
a godsend
from above
yet so much more

You somehow helped me find myself
a person I never thought I knew
existed within me

You're forever 
my blessing

All that lies within me
this shell of a being
a lonely girl

Trapped in invisible strings
 of self-hate 
and misguidance
only having herself 
as the candle of hope

If you told me years ago that I would get married
only to get left in a year, and left alone
to pick up the shattered pieces of my soul

I would have laughed and wondered
who would ever want to actually marry
such a broken-minded person like myself

Back then I didn't know I still
had to work on myself
to fail in love and in life
only to regain my broken,yet more than capable, wings

I can now look back and see
that I have renewed most of my internal scars
I am on my way, aiming high
with an even stronger heart

Life won't ever be perfect constantly,
and setbacks and hurdles will appear,
but we all eventually learn to grow and
teach ourselves to embrace all that comes

Cherish the times of love and happiness
no matter small those moments are in everyday life
since everything is temporary and
time is indeed precious
Always give, and never forget to love

You took away so much
and left me in the dark
without anyone to trust
or any hope to hold on to

You broke me down
and the belief you
engraved within me
changed me completely

As a person I was nothing
just an empty shell
for others to dig into

I’m still feeling my way
through the darkness of you
I’m still a slave to you
I love you
and yet I fear you

You’re my living nightmare
and I hate myself
for wanting to be close to you

You'll have me dead
before I can bring
your unspeakable actions
into the light

Intertwined with who I was
breaking her down
to renew my inner being

I shed myself clean of you
piece by piece
cell per cell
getting down to the root of you

These pages I fill
won't ever be enough
a timeless span of confusion
and temporary hurt

All that's happened
all that will be will
only keep me going
kindling my heart and soul

Write write write
Write to breathe
Write to feel

Write to forget
Write to survive
the turmoil inside my mind

Write in order
to see the light
at the end of the tunnel again.

I wish I had
the selflessness
the courage
to face death
the one that I'd predicted years from now

I want to run from it all
from my thoughts
that keep me in chains

From the misery that is 
my constant companion

How many relationships
will it take for me to see
that I am forever alone

When will I realize
that I am
to a point
unlovable
when all I 
really want 
is to be seen
and cherished

Cascading down
from the skies
your sense of care
deeply resontes

Time has opened doors
from our insecurities
and onward

Emotions of awe and serenity
soul-stirs my core
and yet I build up these walls
secretly hoping someone
gently breaks them down
with utmost patience

I can't help but wonder if
you feel the same
and perhaps we are unity
destined to intertwine

Sending a wish up into
the stars above
I appreciate all that's between us
and all that may be

I need this moment
to fuel my heart

Take me away from
all my insecurities
and make me anew

Consumed in the shadows
I take the risk

Soaring
and weaving
into the unknown

And there
lies ingenious

I crawl back into the darkness
where nothing can touch me
only the depths of my mind
where seeds of mistrust and longing 
which I plant subconsciously out of caustic fear 
simultaneously start to fester and grow

Struggling to understand
what I'd fight for
who I'd suffer for
never wanting to be forsaken again 
left with a heart that's 
only been distorted with time

Holding iridescent speckles of light 
of my future in my heart
I face life with ambition

Can there be a deadline to living
when all you know about yourself
could never be truly accepted by your loved ones

When all others see you as 
is a piece of meat
to devour
or a soul 
to shatter for their own
twisted entertainment 

Too many nights
I've wished for death to take me
but every morning I lie awake
overcoming the shadows 
of fear and insecurity

But it will never be over

I'm no longer human
or so I feel
doused in feelings that cant
tell themselves apart

A heart of purity
soaked in inhumanity
once its been ignited
by the unforseen
flames of insensitivity
and ignorance

Seeping through
freedom with just a blink of an eye
wipsing through the air
up into the sky
becoming one with the clouds above

Birds circling around the
invisible aura of light
that this universe beholds

Enchanted by this lullaby
of simplicity
it soothes my core
in knowing it's all right
to be where I am right now

One leaf at a time
we'll turn it
at our own pace

Reminding ourselves
that we aren't alone

Drawn to words and thoughts
I want what's underneath the skin
vulnerability, anxiety
fears and desires

Giving all of who I am in return
plastering naivety and hope
replacing what once was skin

Blinded by hope
heart becoming infected 
by this merciful truth
like an illness life's stitched into me

Hurt and narcissism 
concoct incurable fears
I'm here as I am
living amongst
the soft and
dark-hearted

I feel so alone
isolated from my own
mind and heart

Two beings at constant war 
I just want to feel normal
despite knowing I'd never be

A battle I'd forever be a part of
and I'm simply petrified
an ache in my heart
that'll never be mended

But I will love myself
most of all, cherish those I love
give every cell of my being 
to the few of those who truly see me, 
love me, and accept me
in all that I am and ever can be

A moment of silence
a shadow in the back of my mind
I don't think I can get away for good this time

Out of the blue
she comes back
it comes back
like it never left
as if its telling me
I am it
and it is me

A part of me is grateful
another part of me is in despair
I didn't think it still
would have a tight hold of me
after all these years

When will it end
would I even want it to end
when will I be free from it

Or is this thing alone
already a sign of me being free 
a sign that life is meant to go on
no matter how happy
or unwell I'd forever be