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 Jun 3 bleedingink
Jamie
That pain in your chest
That’s always there
Never completely gone even
Holding your heart

One wrong step
And the fingers holding your heart will let go
And it will fall
And you will crash

Walking on eggshells
But you still have to keep up
With the
Seemingly endless
Expectations

One wrong move
And everything shatters into a million pieces falling into the endless void of the soul and body that is mine.
You start to numb everything
To save yourself
Soon enough
the world has become a black and white screen

You watch time go by  
But you can’t go back
No matter how much the young child in your heart
Bangs at the walls of the body he is stuck in
The blackness starts to engulf everything
Surrounding you
Isolating you
And you lose more than yourself
It used to be I couldn’t dream
of anything but the silver screen.
Thought I’d “write my way out.”
Now all that’s left is doubt
that my dream will be more than a dream.
A shelter in your heart I seek,  
to hide from all the miseries and grief.
I will wait for the day
when you reopen your heart for me.
 May 30 bleedingink
R
What is grief,  
if not love  
wandering in search of a home?

It lingers in hollow spaces,  
quiet corners of empty rooms,  
whispering to walls  
that no longer echo back.

Grief is love without a pulse—  
a heartbeat still waiting for an answer,  
a name spoken into silence,  
hoping for an echo  
that will never come.

But still,  
I need it to become something.  
To sprout wings  
or take root in the soil—  
to turn into something I can hold:  
a garden,  
a letter,  
a breath.  
Something to name the weight.

Grief is love unbound—  
it spills,  
it seeps,  
it finds the cracks in days and nights,  
asking, always asking:  
Where now?

And yet—  
grief moves.  
It carries yesterday’s tenderness  
into tomorrow’s hands,  
grows roots in memory,  
builds altars from the ache,  
finds its place  
in every sunrise,  
every tear  
that softens the ground.

Grief is love  
that will not rest,  
will not relent.

But one day, I believe—  
it will bloom.
I woke up to the rose colored glasses being welded to my head. The pain is excruciating and i can’t remember, but according to the paperwork i asked for this. I willingly walked into this life. I refuse to leave. Why would i? Each time reality catches up to crack my perfect view, it’s fixed without me ever having to even ask. I try to see through the break. Please don’t think your other life goes unnoticed. I’m more aware to the deep and dark reality than you’d think i am, but i prefer to ignore it when I’m around you too. Our world is so much better. We’re on a downward spiral, in every way imaginable. I have never felt more safe. I have never felt more cheated in all my life. Why couldn’t you forewarn me just how good deception would taste laced with your spit? Some type of heads up that i’d become addicted to the way we feel skin on skin. if we can make it down this far, why couldn’t we go up too? It wouldn’t be easy, all of this has been so difficult. You’d only have to want to.
She bites the pomegranate—
not with hunger,
but with a soft kind of ache,
like remembering a song too late at night.

Juice ribbons down her wrist
in rivulets of rubies,
sanguine silk,

each seed a small beating heart
she swore she’d never swallow.

The orchard hums—
a low, bone-deep thrum of honey-thick dusk,
where shadows sleep in the eyes of foxes,
and the air tastes like cinnamon secrets.

There is gravity in sweetness,
a tug between teeth and truth.
She thinks: love is a fruit with a rind too thin to protect it
and eats anyway.

Inside her chest:
a garden blooming in reverse—
petals folding,
color bleeding into absence,

the sound of something unripening.

She is full now—
of myth, of molten memory,
of something holy and ruinous.
She smiles,
and the world forgets
what season it is.
 May 30 bleedingink
abstract
I just want them to stop gaslighting me.
the blood of the covenant
is thicker than
the water of the womb

my own flesh and blood
have let me down
countless times

however the family
I have made along the way
have helped me
more times than
I've been let down by blood

the familial ties I have now
will last me longer than
any blood relations
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