You know what I am soooo sick of getting judged because of how I dress


Ok so you don't like it
Is it distracting to you
Disappoint you
Oh,sorry you poor, poor child...

Deal with the uniqueness!

Most of you probably don't know me that well but I usually say what is on my mind but abuse for a family, mind you a foster family, I just don't speak up well about those things. For those who have read my poems,and especally my most resent My Life, I Guess how much it hurts, they can see I have opinions on how this family treats me but they never get to see those poem or hear it. It was a call to action more. To encourge myself to do it, speak out I mean. I talke dto y social worker about what has been happening for the last year and a half-ish. I could have not done that without my loving and absoultly smart boyfriend. I am so glad once more for this platform. A place to speak out poetically. So thanks, i guess.

Here as in heaven-Elevation Worship


The atmosphere is changing now
For the Spirit of the Lord is here
The evidence is all around
That the Spirit of the Lord is here

The atmosphere is changing now
For the Spirit of the Lord is here
The evidence is all around
That the Spirit of the Lord is here

Overflow in this place
Fill our hearts with Your love
Your love surrounds us
You're the reason we came
To encounter Your love
Your love surrounds us!

The atmosphere is changing now
For the Spirit of the Lord is here
The evidence is all around
That the Spirit of the Lord is here

The atmosphere is changing now here in this place
For the Spirit of the Lord is here
The evidence is all around
That the Spirit of the Lord is here

Overflow in this place
Fill our hearts with Your love
Your love surrounds us
You're the reason we came
To encounter Your love
Your love surrounds us

Overflow in this place
Fill our hearts with Your love
Your love surrounds us
You're the reason we came
To encounter Your love
Your love surrounds us!

Surrounded by Your love, Jesus
We need Your love, oh, oh oh
Feel the song, feel the song, oh
Come on let's sing this together
From the depths of our hearts tonight

Spirit of God fall fresh on us
We need Your presence
Your kingdom come, Your will be done
Here as in heaven

Spirit of God fall fresh on us
We need Your presence
Your kingdom come, Your will be done
Here as in heaven

Spirit of God fall fresh on us
We need Your presence
Your kingdom come, Your will be done
Here as in heaven!

Here as in heaven, Lord
Sweep through this place, Lord
Sweep through this place, Lord
Heaven come to earth
Heaven come to earth
Kingdom come

A miracle can happen now
For the Spirit of the Lord is here
The evidence is all around
That the Spirit of the Lord is here

A miracle can happen now
For the Spirit of the Lord is here
The evidence is all around
That the Spirit of the Lord is here

White is pure
Black is dark
Gray is humanity
-------------------------------
Her/His
Undeserving
Meaningful
And
Neat
                         friend/lover

Depression means darkness
Depression means exaustion to no end
Depression means pressure to hide it
Depression means to eat to comfort myself
Depression means sleepless nights
Depression means sleepful days
Depression means sadness
Depression means isolation
Depression means people will overpity you because of it
Depession means nothing can help me but me

Asmodeus visits in the night
Whispers in my ear
The cravings deep inside
Grow with his words
A warmth deep inside flourishes as the sun sets

It grows and spreads
The farther it goes
The more I want satisfaction
To be held roughly
To be a pleasure object
Asmodeus whispers become a feeling...Lust

Lustful thoughts
Need, no, want
To be pinned
Tied and Felt up
With his lust, I just want to be the good girl

While his whispers happen
Hands wander
Clothes become something unbearable
And no matter how close
It isn't close enough
What was just whispers is louder now

He talking now
Guiding, gently, softly
Expressing wants that are becoming needs
Needing and wanting to become a blurry line
Pleasure at the words leaving his mouth

Lost in his words now
Lost in the moment
So close, so close for both
Wanting to close at the same time
Holding on with every fiber

Every fiber holding on
Until its impossible and you feel it
That ecstasy and thrill
That feeling you feel through your whole body
Muscles tensed up and out of breath...his voice has quieted...for now

Because of my anatomy
Because of my age
Because of my identity
You have no excuse.

Yes, i know...female parts.
Yes,i know my looks
Yes,i know my brain is in a different place
You dont have any right to do this.

Spare me your apologies.
Spare me your words
Spare me those what ifs, only ifs
You have crossed an unforgivable bridge

Brick by overbearing brick
I will heal and once more fly like before
Spreading my wings wide, outside of this cage
Soar high, Soar far,

With every drop of sweat and tears
I carry my load to that wall
To patch up the holes that got created
Some heavy, some light

With every brick, theres willpower
Brimming, overflowing over
Always put another foot forward
Seeing it for what it is...an escape route out

Every drop of sweat and tears
Filled in the buckets by it
Used to make my rations
Watering for the future flowers outside this cage

This brick layed escape route worked
On the first, the older cage that imprisoned me
For my wings weren't fully grown and they were clipped too
Its escape happened and a new cage got made

This shall end in my demise or my freedom
I shall die from laying these bricks down or drowning in these buckets
I shall feel the wind in my wings if its by noose or flapping away
This requires no requiem but praise...

A praise for survival or escape
I took an effort to get to the end result
Made the bricks, used my sweat and tears
So i say goodbye for now, so i can try free myself once more

When I thought I lost me
You knew where I left me
You reintroduced me to Your love
You picked up all my pieces
Put me back together
You are the defender of my heart

Hallelujah, You have saved me
So much better this way
Hallelujah, great Defender
So much better Your way

They do start from one thing
A question, a word, a misunderstanding
At first they go over your head
Compressed so no one tears shed
  They grow bigger and bigger
   It seems they will not grow smaller
    Fears start to arise
     They are for sure not on your side
      But I'm not a enslaved to fear
       A doubt won't make me shed a tear
         I know one who made this be
          You know his name maybe
            I might not be ok inside
             But he walks by my side
               So I'm not a enslaved to this fear, this doubt, this age
                 Their words cannot put me in a cage
                    They cannot make me thing bad about myself
                       I only believe one person's opinion and
                          its is myselfs

Oh, dear.
Here we go again.
Shown to be less and just a footnote
A note for a source

Oh my.
Here goes another fix
Shown to be useless for this writing style
A note that wasn't needed

Oh ****.
My information erased?
Shown to be not needed
A note nonetheless

A note
In the winding version history
Shown to existed at one point
But I wish I wasnt even sitting there.

When my headaches get bad again,
When they envelop my brain whole,
I want to run to you, just I don't

When it spreads to my eyes,
When I just want to keep them shut,
I want to let them tear up, but the masking

When my ears ache with each sound,
When all I need is quiet and a break
I can because I don't have time for that

When it goes to my jaw amd my face
When sliences me from the pain
I just let it, I let it just be there

So I scream and scream
Your name, with pain
But nothing comes out because of the pain.

I quietly lay and I quietly breathe
Lost of my senses
Waiting...

Well, here are the thoughts for that one. I would be in two places but there are two places I wish I could be in. The first place to look would be in a theater for some type of play. Live performances are a joy to watch and be in. I may be the definition of a geek but I prefer just being me, really. It took most of high school years to learn that. Also just sitting in one is just peaceful and shows how small your existence is and, however small you are, can make a difference. So big yet so small is what this existence is to me. The second place to look is my basement, my haven of mess and living. In my haven, I could be doing many things. Commonly, I am writing, drawing or just on my phone. Well, sleeping and homework is also involved but not the most exciting thing in my existence to point out. I wish I could be out and about or even hanging out with my girlfriend at her place. She is unquestionably and awesomely my best friend too. The second place is with whom I am going to name the star-crossed lover, my other best friend, but for now let's shorten it to SCL. SCL is someone who I know we weren’t destined to be with each other but I still long for this person. They told me in a different world they would date me. They say that phrase, you know what phrase I am talking about. Classic Romeo and Juliet without the dying and poison. Just two star-crossed lovers who are worlds apart and I am ok with that one. Thats why I have a girlfriend. Thats why they have a girlfriend. So its cool but laying my head on there lap and see there smile is just heaven on earth.

Really. This could depend if you are religious and well I am not. This could be you looking for warning signs in teenagers for suicide too, which I lack, I am just very impulsive. I have been told many things but the one that sticks to me is, why else would you be here? No reason, good. Follow me. Its a question that puts a rabbit hole of things that I think you dont want to hear. On a different day, I could tell you that there is a purpose but not everyone knows what it is. Its something you find within yourself. In a dark time like this, I would tell you that you just exist and you just live and breathe. Both are the sides of the same coin, Your purpose is within you. You define and live by that. It's your choice and that is my thoughts.

Forget this world with me
Because if the stars aligned differently
We could have been...more

Forget this world with me
Let time pass...fast
Snuggled close in that beat up car

So If we lay here
Would you lie with me
And forget this world...

The way love is
is hope in disguise
but it can be absolutely destructive

Love is a privlage
A privlage most deserve
  A privlage that makes people happy
    But i do not deserve love
     I am a dying corpse
      I push people away because of fear
       I cannot say that I am a slave to fear
        But I am at times anyways
         I do not deserve self-love
          Ugly and Fat
            I lie to the people I love about my feeling
             So I cut to punish  
              And thats why I dont deserve love and I give it to others

Take me to the rooftop
I wanna see the world when I stop breathing, turning blue
Tell me love is endless
Everybody says it's all okay, everybody says we're fine but
Guess someone else is what you need to make you feel alright
Know it's only human, but I never learn
You know the echos in my mind of shouts and slamming doors
And I’ve done better with goodbyes

I'll never let go
Like a river, I flow
To the ocean, I know
You pull me close, guiding me home
But It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless

You're a word that I can't forget
Though the thought rattles my brain
Well we must be insane
So blind to consequence

So I will go anywhere as long as you are there with me
I will take you to the places I have seen
And all the things that we will see and all the things we'll know
Take my hand and walk with me, we'll never be alone

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

"Don't leave me here alone, you are the one I love"
And I am so far from telling you the truth, now
Because you keep pulling me down
So take my heart out, that will make it better

Try coming to find me alone at midnight
Inside my mind, trying get things right
No sleep, up all week, wasting time
I think that something's wrong with me

Now I am crying behind my computer
I'm trying to look cuter
So I am getting thinner
Because Barbies never end up alone

But then you give me ten CC's
Of something super sweet
I'm getting drowsy
Then you are telling me countdown from ten

Ten, Nine, Eight
You've got me hooked now
Seven, Six,
You kiss me on the cheek
Five-four-three-two,one
Don't put me back where you found me

Pain.
One thing people don't want but get

The Heartache.
Because of you, I think that it is my fault that something happens

That's the truth

That is my pain I feel everyday behind every smile.
Hidden underneath my breath with every burst of laughter.

The pain has made love and myself a stranger to myself

The pain you feel because of everyone looking at you like you are not there.

The pain that you know only a few people can see you.

Love and Pain
Fear of Falling Apart Everyday
It is a big disaster.
This is me.

Chasing cars-snow patrol



We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Eye of the storm- Ryan Stevenson

In the eye of the storm
You remain in control
And in the middle of the war
You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor
When my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me
In the eye of the storm

When the solid ground is falling out from underneath my feet
Between the black skies, and my red eyes, I can barely see
When I realize I've been sold out by my friends and my family
I can feel the rain reminding me

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me
In the eye of the storm

Mmm, when my hopes and dreams are far from me
And I'm runnin' out of faith
I see the future I picture slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache
Are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name

In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah)
You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war
You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor
When my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (Your love surrounds me)
In the eye of the storm (in the eye of the storm)

When the test comes in and the doctor says
I've only got a few months left
It's like a bitter pill I'm swallowing
I can barely take a breath
And when addiction steals my baby girl
And there's nothing I can do
My only hope is to trust You
I trust You, Lord

In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah)
You remain in control
In the middle of the war (middle of the war)
You guard my soul (yeah!)
You alone are the anchor
When my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (yeah!)
In the eye of the storm

You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war (in the middle of the war)
You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor
When my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me
In the eye of the storm

Oh, in the eye of
Lord, in the eye of the storm
I know You're watching me, yeah
Ay

When the storm is raging (when the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and my hope is gone, Lord)
When my flesh is failing
You're still holding on, oh whoa

When the storm is raging (the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and all my hope is gone)
When my flesh is failing (my flesh is failing)
You're still holding on, ooh

When the storm is raging (when the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and my hope is gone)
Even when my flesh is failing (flesh is failing)
You're still holding on, holding on

The Lord is my Shepherd
I have all that I need
He let's me rest in green meadows
He leads me beside peaceful streams
He renews my strength
He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to His Name
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid
For You are close beside me

Joy-For King and Country

Lately, I've been reading, watching the nightly news
Don't seem to find the rhythm, just wanna sing the blues
Feels like a song that never stops
Feels like it's never gonna stop

Gotta get that fire, fire, back in my bones
Before my heart, heart, turns into stone
So somebody please pass the megaphone
I'll shout it on the count of three
One, two, three

Oh, hear my prayer tonight, I'm singing to the sky
Give me strength to raise my voice, let me testify
Oh, hear my prayer tonight, 'cause this is do or die
The time has come to make a choice

And I choose joy
Let it move you, let it move you, let it move you
Yeah, I choose joy
Let it move you, let it move, let it move you
Yeah-eh, back when I was young, my eyes were full of life
But now that I am older, I live at the speed of light
Feels like the cycle never stops
Feels like it's never gonna stop

Gotta get that fire, fire, back in my bones
Before my heart, heart, turns into stone
So somebody please pass the megaphone
I'll shout it on the count of three
One, two, three

Oh, hear my prayer tonight, I'm singing to the sky
Give me strength to raise my voice, let me testify
Oh, hear my prayer tonight, 'cause this is do or die
The time has come to make a choice

And I choose joy
Let it move you, let it move, let it move you
Yeah, I choose joy
Let it move you, let it move, let it move you
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of night
Oh, with You by my side, I'm stepping into the light

I choose joy
Let it move you, let it move, let it move you
I need that joy, joy, joy, joy
Down in my heart, down in my heart to stay
I need that joy, joy, joy, joy
Down in my heart, down in my heart to stay

And I choose joy
Let it move you, let it move, let it move you
Oh, I choose joy
Let it move you, let it move, let it move you
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of night
Oh, with You by my side, I'm stepping into the light
I choose joy
Go let it move you, go let it move you, go let it move you

I need that joy, joy, joy, joy
Down in my heart, down in my heart to stay
I need that joy, joy, joy, joy
Down in my heart, down in my heart to stay

Two bodies
Intertwined
Nails and kisses
So close

Noises of delight
One higher
One lower
So harmonic

Pace quickens
Closer and closer
Fantasies accomplished
All the while, you want it to never end

But a warmth spreads
Faces contort
Breaths heave
As it comes to a close

Why does speaking out
Speaking louder than I have before
From deeper than within than before
Make such a disaster
Make my hell I am stuck in worse?

Well, you can't sleep that off
No amount of time asleep makes that ok
No amount of time asleep makes that just disappear
I tried
Well, been trying still

"They," say I am running away
From what you ask,
My problems, I guess

I spoke out, for once!
I made a decision
That one decision I hate to make

Hate is a weak word for it
More despise works for it
Despise the fact that I have to make it
The fact that this predicts that my world is going to be turned upside down
Viciously turned upside down once more
The fact that this is alway how my life is

Of course I am afriad
Afiad of the fact that this is how my world is
That my luck is absolutly ****** sometimes
That I tend to lose everything I care for
But of course, I have to wait and see
Because it is not the end of the story

But why should I play a part?
A part that shows a grieving girl?
Why should I play a part of a girl who is sad to lose someone so toxic?
I could just curl up in a ball and give in to all the "sorrow"
But why should I?

So I will sing no requiem for you
Not tonight
Not tomorrow
Not ever, ok?

And don't force one out of me
Don't tell me you are not the monster that I know
I have so many do nots for you
I could just scream them out into your face
But I stay calm
Not for your sake
No why would I do that?
You deserve me to scream and yell
I am just merciful for your ears
Be grateful for that

Sometimes all I want to say is ***** life
Sometimes all I want to do is end it all
So my legs get marked and my back gets burned
Everyone says It will get better
Does it?

I've tried thinking that but it failed
What comes is depression, pulling me deeper
What starts as small, very little scratches
What starts out as not so often
Can it get deadly?

Deadly, the word that comes up often
Deadly snakes, Deadly spiders, and other things
But the deadly cuts are deep
But the deadly cuts are many
Can I get help?

Help is what I need
Help causes hope is what they say
Because Help has four letters
Also, hope does too
Does that mean it is true?

Does it mean it is trustworthy
That I can get better
Better, they say, comes from taking pills
Better, they say, comes from talking
But not isolating?

But isolating is the way I cope
But what follows is the marks and the burns
Then the tables turn
They start feeding me pills that can be meals
They start giving me more therapy than I can get sleep
But isn't that help?

Yes...Sometimes it helps when I say ***** life
Yes...Sometimes it helps when I want to end it all
But my legs still get marked and my back burned
So I try to look like I'm fine
But does it mean that I am Ok?

No, but don't worry because
My cuts are not deep
My burns are not bad
I take my pills
I go to therapy
So I get help.

But the question is...
Does it help?

Mended by Matthew West

How many times can one heart break?
It was never supposed to be this way
Look in the mirror, but you find someone you never thought you'd be
Oh, but I can still recognize
The one I love in your tear-stained eyes
I know you might not see him now, so lift your eyes to me
When you see broken beyond repair
I see healing beyond belief
When you see too far gone
I see one step away from home
When you see nothing but damaged goods
I see something good in the making
I'm not finished yet
When you see wounded, I see mended
You see your worst mistake
But I see the price I paid
There's nothing you could ever do, to lose what grace has won
So hold on, it's not the end
No, this is where love's work begins
I'm making all things new
And I will make a miracle of you
When you see broken beyond repair
I see healing beyond belief
When you see too far gone
I see one step away from home
When you see nothing but damaged goods
I see something good in the making
I'm not finished yet
When you see wounded, I see mended
I see my child, my beloved
The new creation you're becoming
You see the scars from when you fell
But I see the stories they will tell
You see worthless but I see priceless
You see pain, but I see a purpose
You see unworthy, undeserving
But I see you through eyes of mercy
When you see broken beyond repair
I see healing beyond belief
You're not too far gone
You're one step away from home
When you see nothing but damaged goods
I see something good in the making
I'm not finished yet, no
When you see wounded, I see mended
Oh, I see mended
Woah, oh I see mended
I'm not finished yet
When you see wounded, I see mended

Star-crossed and your happy.
In a different timeline
Adoration as your friend
Your "i love you"s are platonic
I know your taste and smell
I fell asleep in that lap
Cried the most painful cry to you
You held me and say you will never leave me
Haven't yet and see that my eyes scream my pain
The curves i know i shouldnt
Friends dont do what we do
I lost my name in the process of my exploition
Just trying to find myself again
Those eyes make it worth my time
Hold my hand, hug me tight
Catch a few more tears
Build my escape together...or I can do it myself
I dont want to ruin a friendship so ill love from a distance
That is ok
I wish you felt the same way too