I drink wine before water
It’s better than beer.
Neither are like *****
They’re nowhere near.
Like beer, you can
Drink all of it you please.
It will never knock
Your life to its knees.

What? You say no?
You say they are equal?
This is a bad movie
I don’t want a sequel.
I have lived my whole life
Thinking wine is okay
And not contributing to
Alcoholism in any way.

I thought I could drink it
And party like a king
And the specter of addiction
Didn’t mean a thing.
Yes, I admit I ignored
Those drunks and hangovers
That woke me up feeling
I’d been hit by a Range Rover.

So, okay, maybe it’s real
This threat to sobriety
That is so accepted
And approved by society.
But now I have to find
A new way to celebrate
That won’t ruin my life
At some not too distant date.

I am growing faster than the grass
that covers our front lawn and somehow
I only need more affection.

I am often in tears after 4 pm.
I stay in my room wishing for things.

You might throw a question my way,
do not be offended when I stumble down
the dark hallway.

Do not be alarmed when I wear the same shirt for 3 days
and do not tell me I am beautiful.

Listen to me when I tell you I am not in the right body.
My whole life no one has believed me.

I only wanted to be perceived as worthless for three years,
I don’t know how you overcome that.

I don’t know how I’m still alive.
A lot of times I see myself as invincible.

How I wish I was not.
I get tired when the sun comes up,
and when it goes down.

I will die in less than ten years,
so all that I have strived for will be for nothing.
I will die in nine years and one month.

I know why my caged soul sings.
I’ve been digging my grave since birth.

I was born backwards,
racing towards something over the horizon.

I cry in the morning.
I hold myself a lot.

Some days I wake up blind.
Some days I want to carve my poetry into my veins.

I wish I was never born
and I wish you died in a fire.
I wish you never moved here from Chicago.

At 14 I cracked the veil and I went crazy.
I think there’s something wrong with me.

I think there’s something WRONG WITH ME.
I told you my secret
and you called me insane.

I wish you drowned in a bathtub as a child
I wish you had ugly eyes
I wish you got hit by a car
I wish I shot you in the head
I wish I shot you dead
I’m a sick girl
My head is coughing

My heart has a virus the doctors have no cure for
They stand over me with medicine
That I already know will not help me
I think there are worms in my intestines
I think my skin is rotting
My blood is turning to sewage

Do I smell yet?
I think I belong in a hospital

There's not a single star in the sky tonight,
Yet you're still lighting up my world.
Unearthing all my insecurities.
Calling what's left of me.
I can't go home tonight.
Not when those
eyes are as
weary as
mine.

Do you think if I fell off your mountain,
And split my head in two..
You would see my thoughts,
and sew me back together again, too?

Just to..

Tell me I was brave,
that I was worth the save.
Tell me I'm what you crave,
that loving you is why I was made.

I can't get used to not sleeping.
And I scare myself to death,
Every time I close my eyes.
Burned deep inside, the face I never met.
I've come to learn, I'll never be free.
There won't be one single moment of peace
as long as you're forcing yourself through me.
And my backyard is graveyard for cigarettes,
but the grass isn't the one dying of cancer and regret.
And my knees were never weak.
Even when I held you on my shoulders;
and you refused to speak,
your face was screaming every day of the week.
I don't want to feel love through a picture frame,
and telling her I love her never felt the same.

And with it, it feels like I'm bound,
To live a long life without the taste of success.
To walk with broken feet on hollow ground.
And I've lost my way,
Counting blessings in the sky.
Drowning memories and clearing haze
trying to remember warmer days.
And I veer off paths, but never in vain.
While I pave my own, those pale hands kept me sane.