I drop myself lower and lower
Reaching out to the never ever land
I find myself griping the edges
As the light pulls and darkness gives way
I give way
I fall
I jump
I am no longer in
But I am out
In is gone all but a mystery
There for out is all i am
Out
Forever I climb to the mountain to drop
One last time
She climbs for the fall

the little monster was quite the talker

Is it because my depression gets worse with every day or is it because the love is withering away?

I’ve fought this long
To stay here for you
I have done my best to
Continue
So that you had an older sister
To save you
To be there
To hold your hand
To hug you
And give you all the love you cannot give yourself

I’m still here because I know if I left
Others would leave too
And it would break my mom
And my brother would not recover

And I have stayed for you and you and you.  
Today
I can say I stayed for me too
But I am still here
With tears
Fighting and crawling
My way
To continue

and the boy asked "What was your new years resolution?"
as the girl replies "To be happier."
"Your the happiest person I know though."
as the girl thinks  I should join drama what a great actor I am. as the words almost fall from her mouth, escape and end up dictating her near future, she ***** them back in. to never be told.. whispered to any other soul. what that boy didn't realize was how much it broke her inside to realize no one looks had enough to actually see me.
so she just replies with "ha-ha" and of course one of those famous class A smiles......

the butterflies swarm her, in utter beauty
and her insides are just turning to black
again
the virus has returned
the butterflies begin to melt away
one wing falling off, there all to human like screams filling her ears,
then she notices blood plunging from there wing that was left,
and as she watches her mind scrambles and blinks there gone,
and she is there with the blade again
remembering there utter beauty
as she plucks away at her scarred skin

death.
what a beautiful thing.
It has so much power, yet it's one opponent will always win.
death.
it will devastate you, and relieve you of yourself for a bit.
it is all so twisted.
death.
it will make you see things in a whole new light, whether that's a "good" or "bad" thing you decide that by how you react.
or by how you interpret it's intentions.
death.
will scare you and will also enlighten you.
death.
death.
and more
death.
is something to be obsessive of.
is something that will be our end.
so it is your decision, will your
death,
be the thing in which makes your life or the thing in which makes people celebrate it, remember it?
what will your death mean to everyone?
what will your death represent?
do you care?
or
does it even matter?

It never happened before.
no one else's poetry had ever brought tears to my eyes.
not even close.
and then I read yours.
and it happened.
the thing is,
I cannot tell you this.
I cannot say it.
because it reminded me of myself.
it reminded me of my own relationships with older friends.
and so,
the feeling your words made erupt inside me, has never been more resented.
because my bliss, curtain of ignorance was appreciated.
at least in that area.
because it never occurred to me that I could be the one damaging him, not the other way around.
and you see this presents myself with the question, am I really that selfish?
to not even consider, to no to even fathom the concept, that I am what made you fall?

the insignificance of your effort has significantly affected my insignificant self

And in the absence of light
The darkness embedded her soul once again
Memories penetrateing her facade of happiness
The scars reflecting her desires
But always hidden among the smiles
Her capture
An invisible man daring to combat every thought, want , need
The only thing left alone
The only reflection that stayed even was
Her persistent parasite
The tilt a whirl of emotion
Numbed by the red slices
But they have ceased to exist due to promises
The tornado of feeling is
Numbed by the cold
The frost bite
Oh how sweet
Take it all away
Because this it won't leave as many scars
The invisible man he can come back when I'm thawed
For an instant in this meaningless life I will be his utter essence
As I succomb to his sweet touch
His immortal being will withdraw
As the cold infiltrates his barracks

Depression is comfortable.
A warm blanket surrounding you in a comfy bed of thoughts.
One after another they won't stop but they're all the same.
I know this I can deal with this.
This pain the release oh I'm used to this.
Oh no, the thoughts are gone I'm free lets go explore.
And they return slowly and quickly but always return.
The warm blanket can no longer stay warm, the comforting death threats are no longer abided by me.
Depression can be comfortable.
It is there for you and everywhere and then suddenly gone and you're you again.
Until you start hating you and the cycle begins and I've you learn to like yourself a tiny bit the comfort recedes.
No longer will depression be comfortable.

My reality is that I am a failure
That I am never good enough my grade are not high enough my brain is not adequate for this world

My athletic ability is not good enough I lift I run I jog I practice over and over and yet I am still benched and middle of the pack

My abilities in the court room have granted me acces to plentiful rewards yet I am still not good enough for Albany

My friendship is solid I aid you in whatever way I can I am there for you I am always there yet you chose the drug and twin over me

My sister was good enough though she suffered from a similar thought process. And I failed to detect the lies she spewed. And I let my little sister to to **** herself because I was to busy with my life because I couldn't tell she lied. My sister is now scared physically and emotionally and I am yet again a failure. But she will be healthy and smile and laugh again whole hearted my some day


My father and mother to busy to really understand what Is going on. My parents I am aware have more important things to take care of yet my hatred and anger grow exponentially.

My thesis of apparent disappointment is near it's closing.


My hair the color has changed my body has become more toned my personality ever so bright under the sunshine of the class. But no no no I do not understand how can the sun shine when the horrors of her interpreted reality are a film repaying? Oh boy how shall she shine when the darkness invades again when she cannot avoid facts of todays news report?

She stands and waits and holds a breath and puts a foot infront of the other and slowly walks away from herself.

It’s getting harder and harder.
And now I am crying.
And now I am laying in bed the entire day when it is beautiful as hell outside.
And *******.
When does it get easier?

It's white petals
Whistle in the breeze
Snow flakes dropping like
the ever escaent trees
Bees humming through the
Monumental screams
Sun shines
Blinding majority
The sun glasses just in reach but used by few
The grass
The vibrant
Green
Air
Sour taste that licks it's way into
The nostrils of your giant
Apples crisp as the fall of autumn leaves crumbling under the weight of any being
The crunch of snow beneath ones feet
Shadows swallowing your shine
Beetles coming out to play
Spiders dangling from your finger tips
The devil has come out to play
Clouds so bright the clean white
Sky reflecting the hope of what had once been
Water you gulp it down
The poison becomes you
And the snake slithers in
Greed has come for you
The moon that open look waiting
To take your hand
Let's go fly
Off to never ever land
Where your God awaits
The mushrooms decomposing
The trees still standing
Wind is blowing
And the eye lids continue to play tricks withon your sight
Sunglasses await
But the sun
So is still
oh
so
bright

Well I tried
But trying and being a victor
Are not the same
Effort
Put forth is nothing when the end result is all but a fail
I am nothing
Hence my effort is nothing
Because I tried
And now
We are here
You are there
I am gone
Lost in my mind
Suffocating under the fallen debris
I tried
This is now
Nowhere to be found
Wait is done
Anticipation has ceased
Her breath no longer taken
No longer lost in her mind
But out there in the questionable abyss
Floating in the water
Washing up on shore for all to see
And I breathe
The last breath
For she is gone
I
Am
Gone

I was tired of disappointing myself so I left
And when I tried to come back
There was no room for anything else
A monster had taken my place
Taken the name
Autumn
With the same hair and muscles
The bones were the same
But the smile was different
The eyes lacked the glimmer that once was
And I resigned
To the back seat
Of this fancy day dream

yes mother its tight around my neck I'm all ready to go
is the chair set up?
camera ready?
okay.
bye.
the mother pushes her daughter off her chair, the noise of a cracking neck lingering in the
bitter air.
the body is removed.
the mother watching the entire time, participating even.
family.
tying the noose around her neck.
taking the chair.
ah the love.
dearest you can be sane now, in your dark new home.
all by yourself.
finally.
you can be at peace with what was and will now never be.
thank you.
sweetie, the noose it's all set.
bye.
honey, I love you.
a few chuckles lacking innocence
torment their quiet minds
...

I put my earrings in
                                                                ­                        and walked away.
back to myself.
                                                         ­                                away from you.
and all the rest,
                          for eternity,
                                               blessed be the ones that got away,
for I am here.
                                                

                          now  and  for  the  rest  of  eternity

farewell,
                dearest lost autumn.

hello stranger, for I greet you with open arms.....

i cannot show my poems to anyone in my life.
well poems that matter.
only to one person in my life have i shown the things that matter.
and that one person didn't leave, didn't flee, or run away,
but encouraged me.
and so i submitted a poem about peace in the peace poetry contest.
and oh so many will read, and analyze, and judge it,
and the thing is i was content with it,
yet when i showed it to those few teachers, and was praised,
the content vanished away and replaced itself with self consciousness.
how is it that the things i am most proud of,
the things i care about most,
i do not seem to want to show to those who care?
is this, myself, protecting myself from getting hurt,
or simply myself being to cowardly to let someone who i will face everyday, judge the things that show my rawest emotions?

the blood will drain from your face
you will finally feel
what its like to return
to the numb life
you will notice their stares, you will comprehend the words
but you will not care
nor will you care about the hand out trying to help
because you
are
numb
and as you have now returned to this state
the thoughts they return as well
because you are numb but not mute
they will not know
or realize
what you have become until they are there themselves

It’s the little things.
Like the feeling of my head against his chest, like the look in his eyes, the comfort I find in his presence.
Like the colors of the sky, like the sounds of the night, like the sights I have never seen but soon will.
Like the feeling of love, the feeling of acceptance, the feeling of embracing anything and everything.
The feeling of finding your match, your one and only.
Enlightenment.
Like the feeling of wind in my hair, and freedom at my grasp, and power in my voice.
Like the hope for a new tomorrow.
It’s the big things.

I tried to understand
When you asked me to let you in
I tried to open my heart
I opened my arms
I opened my past
I shared
And I do not feel the reciprocation
I feel my energy and output is much greater than yours
Maybe I fail to understand what it means for you to share something
I know you do not understand what it means when I share everything

She took a nap and chose to leave for a little bit
She smoked and smoked and drank until she was fuzzy
She kissed and kissed so her head wouldn't be so loud
She let him inside so she could feel
She use to cut over and over and feels the burn
She wishes to throw up over and over and over because for once my stomach will feel empty
Oh no the my slips out this she is me
I attempt to escape
And in turn the tears they fell when I drank
And now I kiss and laugh as intoxication becomes hallucination
One step further I let myself feel the ache and burn of my muscles I don't deserve ice or pain medicine
I cannot escape these tendencies to hurt myself to punish myself
And maybe this is why I'm fascinated with him
The senior in college who's not over his ex
My poison is allowing myself to be used by others
I cannot even use myself to my advantage
I cannot use my thoughts
My best
Is not good enough for me

I don't know what to do anymore. And as this repeats in my head I can't help but remember all the times I cried that exact phrase
How many times I repeated it in my head as I watched my blood pool or as I shoved a handful of pills in my mouth or as I puked 5 gallons of water up
But I don't know what to do with these feelings with this pressure with the future im determined to have with the reoccurring visitor of mine that drags me down
And I don't know what to do with this broken little heart of mine
And this broken little brain of mine
And this broken little view that you have of your society
And this little hand that keeps jumping up to grasp mine
But I cannot tell if he wants to fly me up or pull me down
Because
I
Do
Not
Know
And neither do any of you

is it odd that  i care about everything you say?
is it normal to analyze every word, every smirk out of or on your face?
                          is
                             it
                                pathetic
                                       that i honestly can't stop fixating over you?
is it normal to care about what exactly isn't what he said and think?
                                                                                                                                                  is
                                                                                                                                           it
                                                                                                                          wrong
                                                                                        to feel emotions i despise creeping into my soul,
                                              creeping into what i stand for,
creeping into what i am now made of?
it is WRONG to become something you hate,
but then again
        what if what you hate is what you were truly all along?
              what if what you hate is what other's wish for,
                     what others think is what is just fine?
so is it right or wrong to simply show your feelings every moment of every second, to show him what you have become or to show him whaat you've been this whole time?
                       or....
are you simply a coward, complicating things into a poem for others to analyze?
writing things out to run away from what you honestly can't deal with anymore, can't take anymore?
                  or are you simply writing in the past?

Look into the eyes,
the eyes which degrade and ******.
Condemning those who wish to escape to years in solitude.
Tearing apart the wounds of scars healed up long, long, ago.
Peeeeeeeling back the wall paper which covered up monstrosities, and capturing the deranged inside the wicked;
placing them upon the souls of those innocent thoughts,
those innocent desires and wishes
and dreams.
Burning the shape of water into the stagnant pose of fragility.
Grappling with dandelions trying to steal the berries.
Pouring gas into the wilderness
the beautiful,
free,
                                                                                            abyss of hope,
Shattered with the soft whispers of the trees themselves.

Infiltrate.
Just like a burning fire,
lights a can of gasoline.

Just like your eyes.

I don't know where to start.
To go back down that path I once held everything in.
This use to be the community that held all my secrets, where I felt safe.
And now it's like a distant memory but I am ever searching for it to be rekindled
Because maybe I strayed away and am ready to come back
This is where I let the tears fall during the darkest times
So now that the time is lighter, that I have escaped the hole somehow
Now that I am okay and I can say that without wincing
It is difficult to reflect
But I am
How do I help him when he is reminding me of the scars so much when his issues are exactly what brought me down?
How do I save him when I don't know how I saved myself?
I don't know if I will fall again or fall that hard
I'm scared to because those were the worst years of my life and maybe I've just begun ignoring it more
But I am okay. And he is not.
And the mystery still stands how do I help him when he doesn't want to get better?
This cycle is never ending and I cannot leave
Shall I fall and trip or will someone pull me away?

the rose
it wilted
the water and baking sun were not enough
the necessities did not suffice
it's thorns didn't keep the poison away
and so it collapsed under the weight of the pesticide
falling to the ground
while the dandelions mocked it
unaware of their similar journey to the grave
their jealousy
bitter to the end
the poison was after them too
until the garden was no more
and the sun
insisted on shining
while the rain
continued to blaze on

you see
if i were to be gone tommorro,
the world would still spin.
the sun would still
shine.
the snow would still
fall.
the laughter would
continue.
the insults would
keep
on
comin.
you see if i were not here tommorro, people would care,
yet people would
move
on.
you see if i were not here tommoro it would make a little difference,
but you see with my being here tommorro,
i can make a even bigger difference.
so why would i leave when i can prove you wrong,
why would i leave when i can be happy, and laugh,
why would i leave if you intrige me so,
why would i leave if i loved,
why would i leave if i wanted to be me,
why would i leave if i wanted to write,
why would i leave if i wanted to help you,
why would i leve if i wanted,
needed,
to prove myself wrong?

there is me and her
all in one
and she is angry, while I'm appeased
disgusted while I can't get enough of it
and she's there while I'm here and our arguments
they are never ending
infinite
because there is me and
her
all in one
she is cutting her thighs one after another more, more don't stop,
it doesn't hurt enough! your aren't ******* numb yet! pick the ******* scalpel up *****!
while I'm smiling, and laughing
she is intellectual, and remembers
while I blocked it all out
I no longer care to be "smart"
because hey
there is two all in one
and the game, it never ends
because she is there and I am here
prisoner to my keeper
always on my knees to please the master
because hey
its all in one
and no one really knows
that she is here and I am there
because hey we're all in
one

I took a breath and I couldn't stop
And they kept coming
Over and over
And one more they came
Never ending and becoming all I could hear
The blood in my ears wrapping
My heart beating
Boom
Boom
Boom and my breath shatters
The cries fill the air and tears stain my cheeks
Because once more have I broken
Have I fallen down
This black hole grasping at my toes
But taking all of me every last strand
Until I'm someone else
That I still don't like
Because I can't look at myself
I may throw up
I can't breath
I can't go out and come back okay
And I can't talk to anyone
Because they're all wrapped up in their own little worlds
While they lean on me
Trying to stand on their own and falling
While I fall apart as I stand

I read over and over of others asking for others
Time after time
Help help
Save me from my life that's a living nightmare
Help
I'm falling
I need you to catch me
...
I can't remember the last time I read a poem where someone tried to catch them self with the same vitality
...
in the highest moments of "change" we are under a dictator that is ourselves
While we complain and take "action" against what we have let become the problem
...
It is here because we us you I let it grow
...
As we fight to take a shade down from before our eyes, we in turn build a wall of righteousness
Because I am fighting to not be ignorant I am not ignorant
This is not the case
Because I am fighting for equal rights
I am helping
Yet you follow society's standards to a straight point edge?
You may not realize it but fighting for something simply because others started to is following society.
You are no exception to the majority.
...
In a world where we are all fighting for a voice, who is that has listened?
And grown?

Sometimes I would really enjoy having a friend.
Someone to talk to
Not just someone to hang out with and have a good time with because they are so abundant
Sometimes I want a hug
Sometimes I cry and sometimes my feelings that I do have get hurt
Because I really just want a real friend

And we get so use to ourselves
That at the point of change
We forget everything we once were and knew
Quite the culture shock
And some
They create themselves
While others
Miss what was once there

It is an awkward thing being depressed, in love, happy, suicidal, at peace, determined to bring change to the world, and being completely drained of all energy at the same time.

Your eyes glisten like the reflection of the moon within a dark nights pond
Your actions and laughter and simple being send ripples through my heart and soul
my love for you will forever fill said pond until the earth succumbs to one gigantic simple ocean my love you are my heaven and the Loss of you would be an all too quick sentence to hell for me
Because you are it for me
And I can be nothing else without you
You are what makes me me
my love never fear or worry do what was or has to be or may be or could
You are indeed It for me

I want you to know, I tried.
because that's all I could handle.
I struggled.
and you laughed in my face.

And they said I make other people's day
And in my head all I could think was
"Because why would I ever want anyone to feel the way I do"

the cozy nest i live upon is only a nest and only cozy with you in it
the serenity i feel is never a full cup of tea without you by my side
my hand is never quite okay without you in it
and my kitty is never quite satisfied without your tongue teasing it
my desire to achieve is not smothered by an essence of yours but only fueled even more
a beautiful morning is never quite as beautiful without your eyes looking too
not many things inflame my rage as much as the thought of you with another
and not to many things sooth my inner being the same way your look and touch does
and there is no other heart i would like mine sewn to forever and a decade than yours my love
xoxo

And so slowly I began sinking away into the abyss that they call death

how is it okay that the people we elect, the people that demand my respect,
are just as morally corrupted as the rest of us?
You ask me to give you respect but, where is my respect?
I don't care if you find me rude.
I will not give you respect when you look down on me, or others for their appearance, or how they talk, or their sexuality.
I refuse to give you respect when you try to shove your beliefs down my throat.
Why should I give you respect because of your tittle?
How do I know you earned that?
On the other hand where do I get off, suspecting that you didn't earn that tittle, that placement of power?
aren't I just as bad as the person who would demand it, as I judge that you don't deserve respect?
Where is the line?
all too vague,
is respect demanded, or earned?
or a courtesy?

if I cried would you then care?
if I screamed and punched would you finally understand?
if I wrote it out for you, on a single white piece of paper, would you comprehend?
if I told you, would you want to run or flee?
if I told you my secrets would you flinch or take my hand in yours?
if I ran away would you, chase after me or laugh?
if I gave up would you then make me try?
if I told you I love you how would you react?
if I told you I'm drowning would you be my savior or would you look away?
if I told you I miss you with every nerve in my body would you smile or frown?
if I just stopped talking, and looked into your eyes, would you know what i'm whispering inside?