i was told today to find peace in the silence
to be okay when it is silent and you are alone
i was told to stop managing with clubs and grades and activities to busy myself with
and it struck a cord
who is okay with the silence?

I go to the mall with 5 other people.
We have an enjoyable time.
I feel okay the duration of the visit.
Until the end, and I am not asked to be in any of the photos.
Until I realize I am still not a friend,
When I realize I still have no friends.
When I realize I’m not good enough.
When we get into the car and all I can think of is wanting to go home.
And then I remember how depressed I am at home as well.
And then I remember how my one person is going through a hard time.
And then I remember that there are no friends at home either.
And I imagine the ways to die in China.
I imagine all the ways to **** myself and maybe the only option is walking to the bridge and jumping off.
And maybe my body would be lost and then my family would think I was missing.
Maybe I should leave a note, I think.
And I try to feel numb. I try so hard.
I make it to the room and I turn the fan on so no one knows I am crying. I shower so no one hears but ******* ******* it, it is so hard to not take the razor in the shower and cut myself.
And ******* ******* it i made it so long.
And ****.
I made it years and I still just want to die.
I still crave and crave and need to harm myself.
Until I don’t. Because I didn’t get this far to cut my legs up anymore.
Until I sit In my bed and ******* ball my eyes out while I write a poor excuse of words complied into a post on hello poetry.
Until I listen to all the people in the common room chatting and laughing and living.
And I remember all the famous and amazing and accomplished people who still committed suicide.
And I recall those who got help that never worked.
And I remember the days before when I thought I was finally getting better.
And I can’t imagine living a life where I will always imagine myself walking off of a bridge.

She asked the boy, "Why don't you like me so much?"
The boy, "You made yourself a personality."

The depressing reality of having no friends can strike a chord from time to time.

I feel it all slipping through my fingers
I can see the darkness creeping in
The highs and lows
I can feel my love for you hiding
Running away
To where she is safe
I can feel my heart
Closing
Trying to run
I can feel the gulp in the back of my throat
The feeling in my stomach
The tears on my cheeks
And I can see the road ahead
One that I continue to walk alone

i remember being afraid
and i remember being threatened in a way only i would be afraid
and i remember asking everyday as though it was a secret i had willingly aided in creating
and i remember anger
and confusion at the end
and it blurs all over but so does every other memory
and the thing is i just do not know.
and i feel ashamed and i feel weak
i feel inadequate and dumb
a misrepresentation of all that i stand for
i feel afraid
but i feel i must say something
when my mother asks again
and after 19 years i finally say yes
i finally confirm her questions
because it was no longer just i
but my sister as well
and that simply, will not do.
and that is what opened my mouth
and that may be what fuels my fist into his face

the numbness well it invades my soul, as I sit here and gaze at my two friends laughing, and smiling, and being innocent.
ii feel it creeping under my skin,
clawing it's way back inside,
scavenging for any bits of pieces,
to chew up and throw away,
I can feel it, whispering that your not good enough to be that happy, that you will never be able to view a simple, laugh the same way again.
that the glimpses of happiness through others eyes, will torture you,
that you indeed are not alright,
that your memories will come back.
that this numbness will become you, yet again.
that hey this is better than that other feeling.
that other feeling.
I remember now.
oh yeah, the way it would embody my entire being,
the way I fought it,
the way I gave up to it,
to the blade,
to it's infinite promises.
that other feeling.
oh yeah, I remember now, you let it hurt you,
you let it get to you.
why does their comments matter, who gives a ****?
but what my voices keep saying is that well I do.

and then I realize, I would rather despise every breath, every glimpse, every blink, every heart beat, than be numb.
the numbness, doesn't even subside with a blade,
oh how I wish they could stay like that forever in that, pure, bliss, that nonchalant happiness
that moment in which their identities shine through....
the moment in which you, your breath is taken away, and no you do not want it back, but this time you simply do not want to escape their enchantment.

Flap flap flap
She flew until she could fly no more
She fell until she landed, took hold of a branch
And this branch broke so she grabbed a hand
This hand let go
She grasped the walls and her fingers gave way
She landed
Stood up and stumbled away

I stare at this paper for an eternity and it swalllws me up and in all of my entirety. I am done for.
Gone.
I cannot do this. I've stared at this paper for 45 minutes and when the teacher asks how I've done
I will say, "I haven't done any of it."

And it takes me back to when I failed. To when I was left behind.

It takes me back to last year when I wasn't smart enough for chemistry.
I cry

I try

I fail over and over and in calculus I am a joke.

I can go to sectionals in track and my smile just can't reach my eyes

There is no glint and I can't bring up a facade
My friend
She asks, "why aren't you happy to be going to sectionals?
That means you're good autumn!"

And for the millionth time I cannot accept or say I am good at anything.

I am waitlisted to my dream school and I cannot accept that I still have a chance.
I win a national scholarship and I am still beaten down.
I win a community all star award and I win best lawyer and
I win another scholarship
And I'm accepted to a goodnight private school and the honors program
And I exceed the expectations of my family
And I am applauded by hundreds
And I am in the paper
And my photography is in an art gallery
And I am still
Not
Good enough.

I run and run and run and I throw and I try
And I still
am
not
good
enough.

I lose the weight and I'm still stuck looking at my meat jiggling

I am still stuck looking in this mirror that will never show someone good enough for anything in life at all.

As I am justifiably talked down to
Verbally *****
I find it hard to conceive the notion that have any utter grasp upon knowledge any
Hidden trance of morale
The simple observations your actions have been noted
You are simple
A closed mind
One that has the capacity but let society tell it what it's capabilities entailed
A weak soul
You let yourself become an ignorant being whom is now lost in a sea of irony
For a moment you feel the depression
But how deep does it really go when your layers are oh so few
But the devastation of your reality is the perfection of another's
The veil you placed upon your head
The wall you let them put up
The ear muffs you applied
Allow you to feel as though you can belittle me
I allow you to feel your petty self preservation
And you still have yet to see what you have done

yesterday I had fallen under your spell,
sweet, deep, dark and handsome
oh how could a little gal resist?

today we're stepping out of the corridor,
yeah we're making leaps and bounds,
reaching our hands out together,
and every beat I did indeed skip

tomorrow ill ask for more and what
ill expect is what you shall deliver
yeah thank you very much my love
you're so far away and yet you still give me what thyself hath expected

abound in the withering hands of deceit
my mouth waters for your delicacy sweet and inviting
drenched within the naivety of her singular truth

moments later I am cleared
the familiar parasite is quenched
I have fed him
and the wind is in my face yet again
anticipating what thou heart hath squandered up

fantastical dreams
beseech my lap
where art thou fallacy?

I'm breaking
Snapping
Crunching
Folding under the pressure
I'm done
I'm down
I just want to cry
And In some miracle I am
I breaking down slowly and surely
Only to be fine again in a few seconds
I'm fine
I promise
And I don't know what wrong with me
And I don't know why I can't just accept that I'm not perfect
And I don't know why
And I don't know
And I don't
And I
And
An
D
And I'm not okay

And in the middle of the fight you have to remember what it is you are hoping for.
You have to remember what all the pain you’re enduring now, will gift you with later.
You have to know it is worth it.
Because loving yourself is attainable.
It is a goal that all the pain in the world is worth.
Self respect is what will aid in the travels to self love.
And it will all be worth it.

She hadn't realized until moments ago that others her age, do not think the same way.
That her peers she saw day to day, were so much more different.
She was an oddity.
and when she was told she had a good soul, she couldn't fathom the thought.
Because the little monster had dominated.
and her soul, was no where to be found.

her silence was mistaken for weakness
her words morphed into wisdom
but taken as something to brush off
one day she was loud, and the words just kept flowing and flowing and she backhanded that ******* for everything he had done
but then she couldn't stop her fist slammed into his face, crushing his beautiful exterior
because he had ruined hers
and she was bitter
wanted revenge
let her morals fall to the ground
because this one time she would stoop to their level
and later she knew she would regret it but ****
her fist pounding that face in and jaw
seeing the blood
made her wry in pleasure
and she loved it

Baby close your eyes and don't wake up
Close those eyes and stay away I'll plug your ears and
Down in the water you shall
Lay
Baby hold my hand and squeeze
It's almost all gone the water is still filling you up
In and In and in it goes
Swirling into your lungs
Baby let go
close your eyes
Down in the depths you shall remain safe
My lord if I shall take a breath I shall sin and thus breathing is my trip to hell
I grace upon her the chance to stay pure
Down in the depths of water
Solid sound and free

With a breath it all went away

whispering in the wind is the voice of I love you
and howling back are the memories of love long forgotten

screeching in the night the demons light up the quite the sight
singing a perfect melody my soul has finally found a remedy

laughter in time with the beat
shivers down my spine
a twirl and drop
and a decade later
the years have flown by
sitting here
i hear
they say and they scream
they live and i watch


the slow decay of a living particle through the cosmos slowly
and yet delicately
melting away

Memories embedding her soul
Attacking her flimsy mind, and solid walls
Imperfection plaguing her upmost desire
Truth frightening her to the inner core surrounded by demons
IT being there and here and everywhere

With no escape,
One must deal with issues inside
The conflict inside unannounced to your glare
Your judgments all wrong
Enlightenment that she was entitled to the whole time, just realized

Her walls had blocked her from truth
The hidden one is reawaken
And her suspicions come true
With no hiding it
It is here and now and there is no running away
She must fight

The conflict now brought to the skin
Rage, fear, sound
Infects her entire being
An eruption like a volcano
One that had been silent for all too long
Redemption and revenge,
They flood through her veins

She is back
Here and now
Nowhere for her to run
Facing the conflict that was once hidden
Now contemplated
Now spoken of

I was infected and now the disease is rampaging through my body.
It has taken it's course.
I am now a carcass.
The invisible vultures, have scavenged my body.
I am now a skeleton.
just like before.
just like our society.
just
like
you.

And ****.
You read these poems one after another and some, most they seem to blend all together.
But ****.
You keep reading and then there's a WOW and you remember why you joined hp, in the first place.
before the hash tags,
and ****.
that poem was wow, and hey I remember the passion, the free that was once there.
and ****.
thank you.
for reminding me the passion is still in there!
cause ****.
let the passion live on my friend.
and ****.
THRIVE for ***** sake
your already there my friend

You know that feeling where you are just so ******* ******* done and you can't take it anymore
Your craving the blade
Please I just need to release I need to think about something else
Your so ******* weak take the pain you pathetic soul
Where you just want to close your eyes and never wake up again
Whats enough you can't stop that tear sliding slowly down your cheek they overlap one after another
And ****
I'm so fragile it's embarassing
But I put on a smile for you all and then when I try with a real person
It is nothing
Because I don't know how to express them correctly
I'm so tired of this pain
The effort put towards happiness is there and then this occurs
And I'm so much farther down
Trying to find ways that this isn't the same exact thing as last time
But also realizing how in every way it's different
I just want to not hurt anymore
I just want to want to be here
I just want to not go to sleep thinking that I honestly don't want to be in this world
Because I'm so tired
Of me

Her little birdie fell
And did not fly
She was not caught
And broke her wing
Withering
A
W
A
Y
Thinking she flew, she passes into the bitter sweet end

The mass of this broken finality that has entitled me
To embrace the shards of glass
This empty vessel that has empowers how much she truly deserves nothing
This thing labeled a girl a teenager a liar
Is oh so broken.
The aftermath of my actions
Are not always as I had desired
This brain of mine does not allow me to critque my thoughts with the best of logical reasoning
As you try to repair
Something that was left behind long ago
The ashes will fill your lungs
Suffocate the innocence your intentions once held
While I watch
I will ****** you with utter satisfaction
As I weep in agony
For what you once were

I took a quick puff
and of course it sent me reeling
of course I would fall
because quite the clumsy ****** I am

I want to cry
But I cannot
So I get drunk
And then the tears will flow

how is it she asked, my love, that what I desire so much is selfish?
I understand, I suppose,
but isn't it selfish of you to not let me finally get my escape? how is it wrong of me, that you simply aren't enough, that you in fact,
add to my festering wounds,
how is it selfish, when I was already gone?
your telling me that by not breathing oxygen anymore, that that is when I had left you?
how?
she does not understand.
but wouldn't it be when she no longer cared to wake,
when there was no longer anything left in her to hide her pain,
to hide the scars,
to hide those red slices,
across her pale flesh,
how is it that she does not have the right to let her body decompose,
how is it wrong of her to want that,
when there Is already nothing left inside?
the action of pulling the trigger,
or gulping down all those pills,
or jumping,
is nothing.
because she was already gone.
so, how can you stare into her eyes,
and not see that all it is she had was a pulse?
that the "light" in her eyes,
is just a reflection of the naïve hope you all hold.
of the shade you refused to remove all those years ago.

mock his pain
feel the wrath
the bullets shall rain down
upon your oh so ******* innocent heads

**** his mind
you will feel the aftermath
your loved ones will be those to regret your birth

release your pain on those weaker than you
look down on those in need of help
and you will fall to their immortal souls
they must make the pain you once felt seem like a happy day

drown the girl who once helped you while you were ablaze
and watch the revolt
that will surely come upon you

****** those who tried endlessly, you must reach some kind of punishment right?

you will reach some sort of regret due to your wretched actions correct?

how do you inflict this much pain and go on feeling happiness everyday?

where is the real justice?
that never actually occurred?
and without the name of justice would you have ever craved it?
revenge it inks itself into your façade of justice

and without your belief that one day this will all be for something, what is it that would come out of you?

The peace within the night will never be found if you are always looking down.

I want to be lost in the sea of people
And stick to the membranes inside your skull

My greatest fear is to be remembered for what people thought they "knew" of me.

I don’t need you but I wanted you.

Reflecting on the flaws that
Might as well be parasites
I realize the amount of effort it will take to demolish them
I slink down
Down to the floor
And the tears they fly
Everything from the past, present issues, and future problems already conceived
Contemplation over heating and exploding
Hitting myself with the shrapnel
Not regretting a single bit of it
Reality sinking in
Of how alone I have caused thyself to become
Of how deep I have really gotten
Once again the amount of effort is remembered
And the challenge is accepted
I choose to live that day and since, I have had to make the same decision many times
The effort being put in
The temporary "bliss" becomes an addiction
The memories floating away
Effort being forgotten
And the shrapnel returns

In the glimpse of the morning sunrise, I have found peace.
In the wake of the birds orchestra, I have found solitude.
In the first sip or morning coffee with a pinch of hazelnut creamer or maybe more than a pinch,
I found a calm serenity.
During my morning drive I have discovered the beauty of the rolling hills that reek of the stench assosicated with a dairy farm community.
During my entrance to a city I have the sensation of belonging, this road has been slowed down by the constant speed in which we all desire to go, we all must go.
During the work I realize I am part of something larger.
Withdrawing from the city and heading for home I am reminiscent of the hum echoing in my head.
Withdrawing to my work out I am pleased get my daily dose of happiness.
Withdrawing to my family is where I am comfortable.
Heading to my love is where my heart soars.
In the shut of my eyes I am smelling the sea, I am hearing the ocean, I am seeing the sunlight, I am hearing the crunch of leaves, and the sounds of exploration pound inside, I am feeling his kisses on my forehead, I am feeling the love of my family, I am feeling the hope for a better future, I am determined to enanct change, I will not rest until I am me and you know it.

the struggle lies in looking at the reflection
whilst walking down the street wondering how large my mass appears
the struggle is in wanting nothing more than a sweet yet knowing that i will regret it later
in wanting to be happy with my image
and yet never finding such happiness
...
it lies in building others up
simultaneously unavaible to myself
dedication to fitness and activity and never seeing change
...
the struggle lies in finding validation for myself
in search of something that is just beyond my grasp
...
wishing i could only believe the words that i believe when i send them to others
if only once
i could find acceptance or peace within my reflection

Falling down to the ground
She tells you it doesn't hurt
Fading into the background
She whispers she's okay
As you embrace her
Jumping off the cliff she smiles
Cutting herself she's crying that it is her fault
Glancing back at the scars she laughs
Talking to you she says its in the past
Yes baby
You're my past and the future in unclear
So please just leave
As she's begging for you to stay

His lips are fire
Eyes opaque beautiful
His artificial smile is sweet as honey
His thought darkest I have ever heard
Infatuation or interest
Experimentation or love
His broken wings will not be fixed by her scarred hands
Her words forgotten he allows himself to leave
And she breaks once more

What if I get tired of letting him break little pieces of me?

Thank you for believing in me when I thought I was a joke.
Thank you for loving me when I could not love myself.
Then you for embracing my personality and heart and voice.
Thank you for accepting my identity as I am.
Thank you for claiming I am enough when I feel anything but such.
Thank you for finding value in my life where I see none.
Thank you for seeing beauty in a dying shell.
Thank you for keeping me here even when I wish I was not.
Thank you for giving my words power when I thought they had none.
Thank you for recognizing me.
Thank you for allowing my tears to fall and not make me feel ashamed.
Thank you for everything.

i never thought i would hate college
what a disappointment it has been
what a pathetic excuse of a life
because i cannot conform to the mediocrity surrounding me
i am drowning in the hope of what great new person i could meet
and yet
although there are three i can eat a meal with
where are the ones with passion?
transferring will be my savior
hopefully

A beautiful smile empowers infinite possibilities
and hides minuscule imperfections.

An actual connection with someone would be nice

My heart breaks more and more each day
And it’s like your words have no meaning
Because it takes you so long to respond
And you do not love me the way I need you to
You do not accept my feelings for what they are
Instead I feel guilty
Until I will feel no more for you
And I will find a better someone new

I don't understand how to deal with these emotions.

The intimacy I crave
My soul at peace with yours
My smile unafraid
My laugh free to fly around the room
My tears capable of swelling
My body able to breathe in and out, to sweat, to bloat, to become larger, to become smaller
My lips caressed often
You being you
With me

why is it that I can act fine, I can impersonate the happy...
and yet I can never feel it.
Is it that being content is being happy?
I felt it once.
I can remember it in an old memory.
I was the only one at the park, where most of my summer was and still is spent,
it was a fall day.
All the leaves had turned color, but not yet fallen.
I was about to go to a football game.
I had some time to spare.
So I joined the lonely swings.
It felt as if, one day I could breathe.
I had forgotten everything, and it was just the rapid squeaking of the old swing, and the wind at my ears.
My face, and ears getting bitten by the cold.
And my heart feeling warmth for the first time in a year and a half.
I jumped off that swing, when I could no longer get any higher.
Then I walked to the game.
Back to reality.
3 years ago.

I want to live the lie I've been smiling at all of you