And sometimes you just fall into the corner and cry.
And sometimes you feel like you can do it all.
Like you can do anything.
And the next week you sit in that corner and ball your eyes out.
And you want nothing more than to die.
And that familiar feeling invades your soul again.
And what is the ******* point if it always returns?

Loosing hope in the man you love is a disappointing feeling like no other.

I think I’ll be disappointed

How are you?
Great!
What’s wrong?
Oh nothing, I just really want to die sometimes. Lol!

I go to the mall with 5 other people.
We have an enjoyable time.
I feel okay the duration of the visit.
Until the end, and I am not asked to be in any of the photos.
Until I realize I am still not a friend,
When I realize I still have no friends.
When I realize I’m not good enough.
When we get into the car and all I can think of is wanting to go home.
And then I remember how depressed I am at home as well.
And then I remember how my one person is going through a hard time.
And then I remember that there are no friends at home either.
And I imagine the ways to die in China.
I imagine all the ways to **** myself and maybe the only option is walking to the bridge and jumping off.
And maybe my body would be lost and then my family would think I was missing.
Maybe I should leave a note, I think.
And I try to feel numb. I try so hard.
I make it to the room and I turn the fan on so no one knows I am crying. I shower so no one hears but ******* ******* it, it is so hard to not take the razor in the shower and cut myself.
And ******* ******* it i made it so long.
And ****.
I made it years and I still just want to die.
I still crave and crave and need to harm myself.
Until I don’t. Because I didn’t get this far to cut my legs up anymore.
Until I sit In my bed and ******* ball my eyes out while I write a poor excuse of words complied into a post on hello poetry.
Until I listen to all the people in the common room chatting and laughing and living.
And I remember all the famous and amazing and accomplished people who still committed suicide.
And I recall those who got help that never worked.
And I remember the days before when I thought I was finally getting better.
And I can’t imagine living a life where I will always imagine myself walking off of a bridge.

And I keep wondering
Will there ever be a day I am satisfied?

I look around and know some people do like me

I look around and I know some people don’t matter

I look around and all I feel is rejection

I look around and all I want is to be alone and to be laughing with everyone all at once

I look around and maybe I am too judgemental

I look around and think how basic and fake and materialistic these people are

Yet who is the one alone?

The lack of friendships is getting stale but the predicament is that everyone annoys me

So maybe the issue is not with anyone but myself

But what about quality over quantity?

What about finding a true friend?

Even back home my roomate has her own group and does not include me. My other friend has her own group who smokes *** and I cannot. My other friend has her own group and they are graduating and leaving. I have my boyfriend. Maybe that is why I have no group.

Have I ever had a group?

I had a best friend.
I had a small group but somehow always felt slightly outside.
No one is perfect and I lost my best friend.
My group I was never a solid part in is spread across the state.
My future is one where I will move frequently.
How will I survive if I once thought I was a social butterfly and am now a socially awkward loner that desires to be included? That desires to go to clubs and dance but also desires to have alone time? That desires to read for hours but also desires to explore the city endlessly? That is shy of people I will see everyday but can spark up a conversation with any stranger I see?
And all I wonder is what is wrong with me?

The warmth I find in your arms gives me inner peace that is difficult to navigate alone.
The love in your eyes gives me inspiration no beautiful scenery can.
The acceptance that you wash over me is one I will never claim myself.
The grace of you is one I am forever grateful for.

What does it mean to be in a place you’ve dreamt of and still be crying?

I am all alone.
In a world that I do not know.
I am all alone.
Without a friend or foe.
I am all alone.
Without a mate or love.

I keep wondering,
Would I survive alone?
Is there better out there?
Is our *** life normal?
Should I explore my sexuality like I wish I could?
I keep wondering,
Would I survive?
Is there a new best friend out there?
Is the one I have now no longer mine?
I keep wondering,
Would I ever leave him?

He talks of love and trust and a future.
But every time he goes out,
All I can remember is that he cheated on his ex of 5 years.
All I can remember is how he shared an apple with a flirty girl right in front of me. How he yells to the strangers on the sidewalks to say “hello”.
How he yelled at me when I did not share my bed.
How he becomes mean and aggressive when he takes too many sips,
How he is a new person when alcohol is mixed.
In the moments or hours rather of silence,
All I think of is the girls attempting to flirt with him.
The girls that said I was not good enough for him.
The friends that said he could do better than me.
His voice talking to another girl other than me saying he is friendly but not seeing the glint in her eyes.
All I can think of is him cheating on me even though he has done no such thing.
I know he loves me.
I know I am good enough, I know I am The best girlfriend he could ever have.
******* it I know I am the best thing that ever happened to him.
But is he the best thing that ever happened to me?
The thought in my head says yes.
The darkness hides when we are together and he gives me moments of happiness.
And maybe this is why I am so afraid to lose him.
Is this why I tell him to leave?
Is this why I try to leave?
So I can say I left and was not left behind?
I know I am the best.
I do not know if intoxicated him is as trustworthy as sober him.
I do not know if all the worry is worth it.
If I am a chore to him what does that say about me?
Is it all my trust issues?
Even if it is should he not be accommodating to my feelings?
It has almost been 3 years.
Will we even get to 3 years?
Almost is such a bitter word.

And I wonder,
Late at night,
Are these tears worth it?

Pain does not derive from strangers, but from those you thought were friends.

Give yourself the value you see in everyone else for once
Love yourself the way you want to be loved
Praise yourself the way you praise your friend
Be proud the way you are of your little sister
Respect yourself the way you respect your God or Idol
Learn to Love Yourself the way you deserve it
You are not less than anyone else
You are everything

life is passing by,
am i living it?
am i leading it?
am i a passerby in my dreams?
am i a spectator to the ambitions of a ghost?

life is slipping into the sunset,
have i enjoyed my accomplishments?
was i truly in the moment whilst trying to be?
did i let the depression overpower the happiness?

Will I get everything I wanted and continue to feel this way?

A beautiful smile empowers infinite possibilities
and hides minuscule imperfections.

Depression is the reason you think I am so successful.
I am never good enough.
My grades are never perfect enough
My weight is never low enough
My comments are never witty enough
My photographs are never the best
My poems are never decent
My life is meaningless unless I create massive change.
My life is disposable with each second that passes.
And that is why you think I am such a success.
How odd it is for people to compliment you and be jealous of some things when you youself only do these things because of your depression?
What a conundrum.
How odd it is to inspire another when you are the biggest disappointment you know?
How odd it is to have someone give your life value when you cannot?

Thank you for believing in me when I thought I was a joke.
Thank you for loving me when I could not love myself.
Then you for embracing my personality and heart and voice.
Thank you for accepting my identity as I am.
Thank you for claiming I am enough when I feel anything but such.
Thank you for finding value in my life where I see none.
Thank you for seeing beauty in a dying shell.
Thank you for keeping me here even when I wish I was not.
Thank you for giving my words power when I thought they had none.
Thank you for recognizing me.
Thank you for allowing my tears to fall and not make me feel ashamed.
Thank you for everything.

I heard this poem by the peace poets about how
The world is out there for me
And you.
About how the world is awaiting us
All the world has to offer
All the amazing and beautiful experiences,
Sights,
Tastes,
Loves.
And I could not help but break at the thought of feeling this amount of joy about what the world has to offer...
Because I want nothing more than to embrace it all and feel happy,
I want nothing more than to breathe and not have it be a deep sigh of disappointment in myself.

How I dream of traveling and embracing cultures and how I fear I will continue to be as depressed as I am here all the way over there.
how I no longer find moments of peace and solitude.
The hope is withering away.
My ambition and self love and confidence and drive,
Are becoming particles of what was once a grand masterpiece.  
And what is left,
Are the tears of opportunities, I will seize but fail to enjoy within my heart.

Who do you talk to when you need it but the person you depend on is the one who made you upset?

Is it because my depression gets worse with every day or is it because the love is withering away?

The depressing reality of having no friends can strike a chord from time to time.

It’s the little things.
Like the feeling of my head against his chest, like the look in his eyes, the comfort I find in his presence.
Like the colors of the sky, like the sounds of the night, like the sights I have never seen but soon will.
Like the feeling of love, the feeling of acceptance, the feeling of embracing anything and everything.
The feeling of finding your match, your one and only.
Enlightenment.
Like the feeling of wind in my hair, and freedom at my grasp, and power in my voice.
Like the hope for a new tomorrow.
It’s the big things.

It’s getting harder and harder.
And now I am crying.
And now I am laying in bed the entire day when it is beautiful as hell outside.
And *******.
When does it get easier?

And in the middle of the fight you have to remember what it is you are hoping for.
You have to remember what all the pain you’re enduring now, will gift you with later.
You have to know it is worth it.
Because loving yourself is attainable.
It is a goal that all the pain in the world is worth.
Self respect is what will aid in the travels to self love.
And it will all be worth it.

I feel like I am in a cycle of failure over and over again.  
I feel overwhelmed.
I am feeling a lot of feelings I do not like or understand.
It is hard work living.

The peace within the night will never be found if you are always looking down.

And the longer I breathe
The weaker the passion becomes
The harder it is to take a step
The easier it is to imagine death

“Don’t forget to be kind to yourself!”

1 she laughs and walks and calls a stranger daddy and never sees her biological father who cares
2 the terrible twos
3 she puts An Apple down the toilet
4 she is a big sister and a younger sister and a middle child and has many half siblings and her family is complicated
5 she is enlisted into the education system and she is touched by her cousin her own age
6 she struggles with holding hands and crayons
7 she is nicknamed by the older kids and she cannot remember how to spell or how to write the letters the right way
8 she has failed 1st grade but she has fought back against those who have labeled her
9 she has gotten better grades yet she is miserable
10 she is so excited to be double digits and no one comes to her birthday party but her bestie
11 she has grades and a few friends and the jerks in her grade matter less
12 tech is amazing but the boys ruin it and so she frowns
13 her bestie has left and she roams the friend groups
14 her dog from birth has died and she starting to realize she is sad all the time and has been
15 she has been smoking and circulating groups
16 she is driving and she has two groups shelf friends but they hate each other and she has grades and she has already tried to die 3 times
17 4 *** partners later she finds her love of her life
18 high school to college and her hopes of something better was crushed
19 she has yet to tackle her self diagnosed depression

What should you call the desire for a best friend that you’ll never ever have?

It is an awkward thing being depressed, in love, happy, suicidal, at peace, determined to bring change to the world, and being completely drained of all energy at the same time.

In the glimpse of the morning sunrise, I have found peace.
In the wake of the birds orchestra, I have found solitude.
In the first sip or morning coffee with a pinch of hazelnut creamer or maybe more than a pinch,
I found a calm serenity.
During my morning drive I have discovered the beauty of the rolling hills that reek of the stench assosicated with a dairy farm community.
During my entrance to a city I have the sensation of belonging, this road has been slowed down by the constant speed in which we all desire to go, we all must go.
During the work I realize I am part of something larger.
Withdrawing from the city and heading for home I am reminiscent of the hum echoing in my head.
Withdrawing to my work out I am pleased get my daily dose of happiness.
Withdrawing to my family is where I am comfortable.
Heading to my love is where my heart soars.
In the shut of my eyes I am smelling the sea, I am hearing the ocean, I am seeing the sunlight, I am hearing the crunch of leaves, and the sounds of exploration pound inside, I am feeling his kisses on my forehead, I am feeling the love of my family, I am feeling the hope for a better future, I am determined to enanct change, I will not rest until I am me and you know it.

And when nothing
And no one
Relieves the stress or
Depression
You find alternative methods
In order to feel free

i was told today to find peace in the silence
to be okay when it is silent and you are alone
i was told to stop managing with clubs and grades and activities to busy myself with
and it struck a cord
who is okay with the silence?

i remember being afraid
and i remember being threatened in a way only i would be afraid
and i remember asking everyday as though it was a secret i had willingly aided in creating
and i remember anger
and confusion at the end
and it blurs all over but so does every other memory
and the thing is i just do not know.
and i feel ashamed and i feel weak
i feel inadequate and dumb
a misrepresentation of all that i stand for
i feel afraid
but i feel i must say something
when my mother asks again
and after 19 years i finally say yes
i finally confirm her questions
because it was no longer just i
but my sister as well
and that simply, will not do.
and that is what opened my mouth
and that may be what fuels my fist into his face

Look into the eyes,
the eyes which degrade and ******.
Condemning those who wish to escape to years in solitude.
Tearing apart the wounds of scars healed up long, long, ago.
Peeeeeeeling back the wall paper which covered up monstrosities, and capturing the deranged inside the wicked;
placing them upon the souls of those innocent thoughts,
those innocent desires and wishes
and dreams.
Burning the shape of water into the stagnant pose of fragility.
Grappling with dandelions trying to steal the berries.
Pouring gas into the wilderness
the beautiful,
free,
                                                                                            abyss of hope,
Shattered with the soft whispers of the trees themselves.

Infiltrate.
Just like a burning fire,
lights a can of gasoline.

Just like your eyes.

the struggle lies in looking at the reflection
whilst walking down the street wondering how large my mass appears
the struggle is in wanting nothing more than a sweet yet knowing that i will regret it later
in wanting to be happy with my image
and yet never finding such happiness
...
it lies in building others up
simultaneously unavaible to myself
dedication to fitness and activity and never seeing change
...
the struggle lies in finding validation for myself
in search of something that is just beyond my grasp
...
wishing i could only believe the words that i believe when i send them to others
if only once
i could find acceptance or peace within my reflection