i never thought i would hate college
what a disappointment it has been
what a pathetic excuse of a life
because i cannot conform to the mediocrity surrounding me
i am drowning in the hope of what great new person i could meet
and yet
although there are three i can eat a meal with
where are the ones with passion?
transferring will be my savior
hopefully

scavenging in this wasteland i search
i look and unfold
i pick apart
i break open
i crush i smash i ruin
i disassemble
i assemble
i am in search of something
something i cannot place
i look
i hear
i taste
i click
i write
i try
the everlasting search is an ongoing investigation
yet it is an open and close case
the verdict has been made
oh boy i am being so ******* cliche
but how much longer will i search for my question i have not asked

my preconceived notions are dismantled
and i am told i am nothing
i know the refection
i understand
i am found
i was not lost i do not need this search
i was prepared
i was well equipped for my future with
an arsenal of knowledge and
social skills
but

i was not prepared
to go from
social butterfly
embracing her shielding cloak
to a
skeleton
drowning in
solitude
and open air
...
i was not prepared
for infinite opportunity of friendship
and yet
not a single
one has been found
...

the cozy nest i live upon is only a nest and only cozy with you in it
the serenity i feel is never a full cup of tea without you by my side
my hand is never quite okay without you in it
and my kitty is never quite satisfied without your tongue teasing it
my desire to achieve is not smothered by an essence of yours but only fueled even more
a beautiful morning is never quite as beautiful without your eyes looking too
not many things inflame my rage as much as the thought of you with another
and not to many things sooth my inner being the same way your look and touch does
and there is no other heart i would like mine sewn to forever and a decade than yours my love
xoxo

whispering in the wind is the voice of I love you
and howling back are the memories of love long forgotten

screeching in the night the demons light up the quite the sight
singing a perfect melody my soul has finally found a remedy

laughter in time with the beat
shivers down my spine
a twirl and drop
and a decade later
the years have flown by
sitting here
i hear
they say and they scream
they live and i watch


the slow decay of a living particle through the cosmos slowly
and yet delicately
melting away

i haven't visited this blank screen in quite a while
i would like to travel through the spaces between my words and letters and phrases and meanings
i would like to dream through the endless possibilities of creativity
i would like to succeed

I stare at this paper for an eternity and it swalllws me up and in all of my entirety. I am done for.
Gone.
I cannot do this. I've stared at this paper for 45 minutes and when the teacher asks how I've done
I will say, "I haven't done any of it."

And it takes me back to when I failed. To when I was left behind.

It takes me back to last year when I wasn't smart enough for chemistry.
I cry

I try

I fail over and over and in calculus I am a joke.

I can go to sectionals in track and my smile just can't reach my eyes

There is no glint and I can't bring up a facade
My friend
She asks, "why aren't you happy to be going to sectionals?
That means you're good autumn!"

And for the millionth time I cannot accept or say I am good at anything.

I am waitlisted to my dream school and I cannot accept that I still have a chance.
I win a national scholarship and I am still beaten down.
I win a community all star award and I win best lawyer and
I win another scholarship
And I'm accepted to a goodnight private school and the honors program
And I exceed the expectations of my family
And I am applauded by hundreds
And I am in the paper
And my photography is in an art gallery
And I am still
Not
Good enough.

I run and run and run and I throw and I try
And I still
am
not
good
enough.

I lose the weight and I'm still stuck looking at my meat jiggling

I am still stuck looking in this mirror that will never show someone good enough for anything in life at all.

I'm breaking
Snapping
Crunching
Folding under the pressure
I'm done
I'm down
I just want to cry
And In some miracle I am
I breaking down slowly and surely
Only to be fine again in a few seconds
I'm fine
I promise
And I don't know what wrong with me
And I don't know why I can't just accept that I'm not perfect
And I don't know why
And I don't know
And I don't
And I
And
An
D
And I'm not okay

I'm here
And I have everything
I have a scholarship I have a job
I have an amazing lover
I have this and that
I am thankful
And yet I still picture myself
Jumping through that window
To fall and die
I am still wanting to slice my flesh open
God I miss that release
I am still crawling down in that dark hole
I am still breathing
I am still attempting to live
I am trying to be me
I'm  trying
******* it and
I'm failing

And after a certain amount of time you think it's gone
Until you're driving and you take the sharp turn really fast in front of that car and chance crashing into someone head on
Until you realize you wanted that for a second
For a bit
For a little while longer
...
Until you realize while laying down that you still aren't good enough
Until you realize it's all still here
Until you realize maybe
I should do something about
It
Being
Here
Still.

I stared off into the distance
Always repeating
Never wanting to be the one retreating
I stared off into the distance
Always repenting
Never wanting to be the one sinning
I stared off into the distance
Always glowing
Never wanting to be the one dimming
I stared off into the distance
Always claiming
Wanting to be the one who determined the next distance

sometimes i trace over my scars with my eyes and my hands
the memories proclaim their ownership over i
i remember that i am the master who conquered and vanquished those demons
                   failing at an exponentially alternative universal rate i fall
the abyss swallows me up
the sunshine glitters over us
                                                                                            i glance up and see
                                                            i see him and i see what he sees in me
                                        and i remember
i am the master
                                       that vanquished
                                                                                            and conquered
her *demons.

The essence of your being is here to stay
as it infuses with my skin and heart and eyes and touch
my skin has been tattooed through your caress
and my heart has been mended by the way your eyes peer into my soul you fill me with love and make me whole

in retrospect i truly thought i knew what love was
but this was all a lie until i had met you
masochistic obsession is all i was familiar with
blinking the past away
i am aware of you and our future and our present
and how i will never let that get away

I feel like he doesn't truly love me
And I feel like he loves her
I feel like I shouldn't be worried
And I feel like there is nothing to fear at all
For the feelies they truly are here
Evident within the light in his eyes and hers his is theirs
I am here and he is mine

She is there and I am here and who she is
Isn't she a thing? you aren't aware?
Dear how clever you appear to be
The sound resonating between your ears
How could you beg to differ that the truth isn't really the reality you have always feared?

And so slowly I began sinking away into the abyss that they call death

The shadows cascade down his back and side
Reflecting upon the melody of his voice that prevails over my demons
The gasps echo in my head from his delicacy known as a mouth
His tongue I am sorry to be crude quenches my every desire
His being infuses with my inner Qi
For he is here and now and I am his for eternity

Sometimes I feel like a tree
in the middle of a field
with forests surrounding said field glancing upon anything
but the singular tree
Yet now I feel like I am the bark
and you are the leaves
And we are that one
single
tree
the only eyes I shall ever beg to look upon me
Are the ones that have accompanied my growing core
As you feed into me I support you
And we soak up the sunlight and water and nutrients like no other
Because you and me
We are that
one
Single
Tree

Your eyes glisten like the reflection of the moon within a dark nights pond
Your actions and laughter and simple being send ripples through my heart and soul
my love for you will forever fill said pond until the earth succumbs to one gigantic simple ocean my love you are my heaven and the Loss of you would be an all too quick sentence to hell for me
Because you are it for me
And I can be nothing else without you
You are what makes me me
my love never fear or worry do what was or has to be or may be or could
You are indeed It for me

I spent my days in search of you
Mending broken hearts with a simple thread
Through the looking glass I saw her legs spread
Bending here and there for you
Until the ***** came unscrewed
And the nail was broken in two

Depression is comfortable.
A warm blanket surrounding you in a comfy bed of thoughts.
One after another they won't stop but they're all the same.
I know this I can deal with this.
This pain the release oh I'm used to this.
Oh no, the thoughts are gone I'm free lets go explore.
And they return slowly and quickly but always return.
The warm blanket can no longer stay warm, the comforting death threats are no longer abided by me.
Depression can be comfortable.
It is there for you and everywhere and then suddenly gone and you're you again.
Until you start hating you and the cycle begins and I've you learn to like yourself a tiny bit the comfort recedes.
No longer will depression be comfortable.

My reality is that I am a failure
That I am never good enough my grade are not high enough my brain is not adequate for this world

My athletic ability is not good enough I lift I run I jog I practice over and over and yet I am still benched and middle of the pack

My abilities in the court room have granted me acces to plentiful rewards yet I am still not good enough for Albany

My friendship is solid I aid you in whatever way I can I am there for you I am always there yet you chose the drug and twin over me

My sister was good enough though she suffered from a similar thought process. And I failed to detect the lies she spewed. And I let my little sister to to **** herself because I was to busy with my life because I couldn't tell she lied. My sister is now scared physically and emotionally and I am yet again a failure. But she will be healthy and smile and laugh again whole hearted my some day


My father and mother to busy to really understand what Is going on. My parents I am aware have more important things to take care of yet my hatred and anger grow exponentially.

My thesis of apparent disappointment is near it's closing.


My hair the color has changed my body has become more toned my personality ever so bright under the sunshine of the class. But no no no I do not understand how can the sun shine when the horrors of her interpreted reality are a film repaying? Oh boy how shall she shine when the darkness invades again when she cannot avoid facts of todays news report?

She stands and waits and holds a breath and puts a foot infront of the other and slowly walks away from herself.

The doors are locked
My shutters closed
Beneath the ground I lay
Hiding away
From the terror and calamity
This defense is quite flawed
Here I lay in the field
As the wind blows above and grass itches at my sides
My eyes are open
My mind is quiet as I ignore the recollection of what I mean
Of who I am
Of why I am this way
And
I ignore it all
Breath they whispered
And so I did.

She took a nap and chose to leave for a little bit
She smoked and smoked and drank until she was fuzzy
She kissed and kissed so her head wouldn't be so loud
She let him inside so she could feel
She use to cut over and over and feels the burn
She wishes to throw up over and over and over because for once my stomach will feel empty
Oh no the my slips out this she is me
I attempt to escape
And in turn the tears they fell when I drank
And now I kiss and laugh as intoxication becomes hallucination
One step further I let myself feel the ache and burn of my muscles I don't deserve ice or pain medicine
I cannot escape these tendencies to hurt myself to punish myself
And maybe this is why I'm fascinated with him
The senior in college who's not over his ex
My poison is allowing myself to be used by others
I cannot even use myself to my advantage
I cannot use my thoughts
My best
Is not good enough for me

You tell me to be thin
You tell me to like a masculine boy that's strong and ****
You tell me to need to him
You tell me to cook and clean for him
You tell me to beseech him
You tell me to work out yet not to much
You tell me to be what he wants
The media, created by no one else but us,
Is you telling yourself to slowly **** yourself
Would you tell your little girl she isn't skinny enough? Would you tell 8 year old you that she's not smart or beautiful?
We sit and whine about needing to appease men, being unequal, not "pretty" enough or "skinny" enough
Yet we keep buying the magazines, watching the tv, feeding into the
Parasite known as the MEDIA
in order to change we must change our culture and our values
We must respect
Not only others but ourselves
Escape the hands reaching out to strangle you
Don't allow yourself to tie the noose around your neck
Defy the media
Define you

I went to the garage to throw up and came out with a glass of water and a box to store my waste
I wish I had thrown up everything all that was me
But nothing came up but a wee little bit
Our adventure set off and to the shed we went only to be disappointed by the crude lawn mower
Once more the travels we set off on to the couch it is
Where he shows me a trick to alleviate my nauseous head
My legs spread for him and I cannot control the yes daddy slipping from my ***** ****** lips at the time
21 and **** with the tats he was everything I wanted and so the game began where his **** ****** my ******* tight *****
Age is just a number I'm 17 ******* it a responsible one at that with a job and friends and good grades and a future and here I am wishing I was good enough for this man
But I was
And he was cute and funny and sweet and
Gone
And this 17 year old sits waiting wondering what the **** do I do when I want but do not need and what the **** do I do when he may not want me
But baby I'm a jumper and the fall is scary but
Am I strong enough to crawl out of that hole again?
Am o stupid enough to chance it?
Will this even effect me as much as I'm playing into it?
I may not even like him when it comes down to it
But ****
I want to **** again
And I want to be loved
But these are indeed not the same thing my first time guy

Baby close your eyes and don't wake up
Close those eyes and stay away I'll plug your ears and
Down in the water you shall
Lay
Baby hold my hand and squeeze
It's almost all gone the water is still filling you up
In and In and in it goes
Swirling into your lungs
Baby let go
close your eyes
Down in the depths you shall remain safe
My lord if I shall take a breath I shall sin and thus breathing is my trip to hell
I grace upon her the chance to stay pure
Down in the depths of water
Solid sound and free

I drop myself lower and lower
Reaching out to the never ever land
I find myself griping the edges
As the light pulls and darkness gives way
I give way
I fall
I jump
I am no longer in
But I am out
In is gone all but a mystery
There for out is all i am
Out
Forever I climb to the mountain to drop
One last time
She climbs for the fall

I sit here in this empty bed
Thinking
I wanted attention and love and passion
I wanted to be loved, ******* it I wanted to feel
Loved
I am ever in search of
My formidable years full of love and strength yet it was all lost somewhere along the way
Where I was no longer taught to love myself but change myself for others expectations
Where I was shown to belittle myself for your satisfaction
I am ever in search of
Love

Through one eye I see you
You're head is held high and eyes flashing with that dead glazed look
Through one eye I see your scars beneath your clothes and the dried tears upon your checks
And through one eye I see your regrets and the strength you have earned from them
The little girl watching believes you are a role model one to be followed, she plays the sports I play, she's on honor role, she's in all these clubs....
The class thinks she's joke in all the AP classes studying and still not being as good as they....
The mother looks and she sees her daughter growing into a young lady, finally blossoming intellectually, physically, and emotionally....
The father watches as his little girl fades away and a stranger is replaced one who will break his heart but mend it back together....
Brother notices her strange odd behaviors he is not around as much anymore, he realizes that the bond is fading....
I look at my reflection and see a 17 year old girl, trying her hardest to achieve in life and make a difference. I see a young women who is terrified of the real world but ready to take it head on. I see a women who knows what she wants, and what she deserves. I see a girl who has broken and cried so many times inside yet never breaks free. I see a million things, and still, not one of them, is good enough,
for Me.

I don't understand how to deal with these emotions.

His lips are fire
Eyes opaque beautiful
His artificial smile is sweet as honey
His thought darkest I have ever heard
Infatuation or interest
Experimentation or love
His broken wings will not be fixed by her scarred hands
Her words forgotten he allows himself to leave
And she breaks once more

Flap flap flap
She flew until she could fly no more
She fell until she landed, took hold of a branch
And this branch broke so she grabbed a hand
This hand let go
She grasped the walls and her fingers gave way
She landed
Stood up and stumbled away

I don't know where to start.
To go back down that path I once held everything in.
This use to be the community that held all my secrets, where I felt safe.
And now it's like a distant memory but I am ever searching for it to be rekindled
Because maybe I strayed away and am ready to come back
This is where I let the tears fall during the darkest times
So now that the time is lighter, that I have escaped the hole somehow
Now that I am okay and I can say that without wincing
It is difficult to reflect
But I am
How do I help him when he is reminding me of the scars so much when his issues are exactly what brought me down?
How do I save him when I don't know how I saved myself?
I don't know if I will fall again or fall that hard
I'm scared to because those were the worst years of my life and maybe I've just begun ignoring it more
But I am okay. And he is not.
And the mystery still stands how do I help him when he doesn't want to get better?
This cycle is never ending and I cannot leave
Shall I fall and trip or will someone pull me away?

Her little birdie fell
And did not fly
She was not caught
And broke her wing
Withering
A
W
A
Y
Thinking she flew, she passes into the bitter sweet end

I took a breath and I couldn't stop
And they kept coming
Over and over
And one more they came
Never ending and becoming all I could hear
The blood in my ears wrapping
My heart beating
Boom
Boom
Boom and my breath shatters
The cries fill the air and tears stain my cheeks
Because once more have I broken
Have I fallen down
This black hole grasping at my toes
But taking all of me every last strand
Until I'm someone else
That I still don't like
Because I can't look at myself
I may throw up
I can't breath
I can't go out and come back okay
And I can't talk to anyone
Because they're all wrapped up in their own little worlds
While they lean on me
Trying to stand on their own and falling
While I fall apart as I stand

Sometimes I would really enjoy having a friend.
Someone to talk to
Not just someone to hang out with and have a good time with because they are so abundant
Sometimes I want a hug
Sometimes I cry and sometimes my feelings that I do have get hurt
Because I really just want a real friend

I put my earrings in
                                                                ­                        and walked away.
back to myself.
                                                         ­                                away from you.
and all the rest,
                          for eternity,
                                               blessed be the ones that got away,
for I am here.
                                                

                          now  and  for  the  rest  of  eternity

farewell,
                dearest lost autumn.

hello stranger, for I greet you with open arms.....

yesterday I had fallen under your spell,
sweet, deep, dark and handsome
oh how could a little gal resist?

today we're stepping out of the corridor,
yeah we're making leaps and bounds,
reaching our hands out together,
and every beat I did indeed skip

tomorrow ill ask for more and what
ill expect is what you shall deliver
yeah thank you very much my love
you're so far away and yet you still give me what thyself hath expected

abound in the withering hands of deceit
my mouth waters for your delicacy sweet and inviting
drenched within the naivety of her singular truth

moments later I am cleared
the familiar parasite is quenched
I have fed him
and the wind is in my face yet again
anticipating what thou heart hath squandered up

fantastical dreams
beseech my lap
where art thou fallacy?

And they said I make other people's day
And in my head all I could think was
"Because why would I ever want anyone to feel the way I do"

I don't know what to do anymore. And as this repeats in my head I can't help but remember all the times I cried that exact phrase
How many times I repeated it in my head as I watched my blood pool or as I shoved a handful of pills in my mouth or as I puked 5 gallons of water up
But I don't know what to do with these feelings with this pressure with the future im determined to have with the reoccurring visitor of mine that drags me down
And I don't know what to do with this broken little heart of mine
And this broken little brain of mine
And this broken little view that you have of your society
And this little hand that keeps jumping up to grasp mine
But I cannot tell if he wants to fly me up or pull me down
Because
I
Do
Not
Know
And neither do any of you

And what do I do when my father is suicidal
My mother having back surgery, secretly hating the way her life turned out
My brother at college and asking for my advice about his gf cheating on him that he was about to get an apartment with
A biological dad that won't leave me alone but I can't get over the mistakes he has made over and over
Brothers hours away that I love and never see
A little sister in a place similar to where I use to be
But oh so different
A little sister who has an older one to come to and ask why do I feel this way?
A sister who now has someone to know that I ******* CARE ABOUT YOU to know that SHE IS NOT ALONE and a little sister who had a big sister to take her blades away to hold her when she cries to tell her to start a journal write every little thing in it and one thing you love about yourself or one thing you will do in the future
A little sister who I gave hope to
A little sister that I see much of myself in but in so many different ways
A little sister that I would never allow to feel the rejection from her parents
A little sister who came to me and told me she wants to **** people
She fantasized about it and she doesn't know what's wrong
And a little sister who cuts herself
But one that I would no longer let that happen to
A little sister that has broken me down and made me cry for hours
A little sister that has filled my youth with jealousy and a little sister that is as spiteful as my mother
But a little sister that I would protect no matter how many times she ruined me.

Shall I close my eyes tonight
The flowers enter mourning
I dreamt of tears flying from birds
And goats fleeing the pen

As I close my eyes tonight
I seek out the nightmares
Fright does not blind the eyes of forbidden anguish

As I close my eyes tonight i
Am you
And you are infinite in the reflection of every pond ocean lake mirror
For as my eyes close the reality is found
And the sun steps out from behind the cloud

I miss singing at the top of my lungs and swinging, feeling as if i was a bird.
I was free there in that moment.
I miss making mud pies and collecting bugs with my cousin.
I miss bike rides around the same old block everyday.
I miss the passion in my actions.
I miss dressing up in a floppy hat skirt and shirt that didn't quite cover my flubby belly at the time and feeling like I was a model, feeling like I was the bomb dot com.
I miss making mud slides and the tire swing.
I miss the play fights and gun games and simply watching video games as my brothers wouldn't let me play.
I miss feeling comfortable with the man who's ***** led to my life.
I miss the ignorance my childhood Had kept me safe in.
I miss being able to hug him, without cringing.
And I miss being able to remember my thoughts.
I miss my life before anything had ever happened.
I miss when my mommy would ask has anyone touched you down there? And I could honestly say no.
I do not miss the lies I told everyday
I do not miss the feeling of never being able to open up.
I won't miss the feeling of being a mistake.
Nor will I miss the feeling of being a failure.
I will not miss the feeling of disgust  over my own body.
I will not miss the jealousy my step father had with my sister she was his blood.
I will not miss my mothers favoritism over Her first boy.
I will not miss the memories that I cannot access.
I will not miss the echo of words that should never have been uttered to a child.
I will not miss the unknowing monster in my mind feeding myself ideas of what happened the snippets floating away.
I will miss the feeling of a smile, the affection accepted from a loved one.
But it won't matter will it i won't have the choice what I remember or miss I won't be here at all.
What will you miss?